The Holey Bible: Uncensored Complete Version

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, roughly six thousand years ago: Adam and Eve lived in paradise.

Now Satan, who as you know is extremely jealous of people, decided to get Adam and Eve kicked out of paradise.

Hence, one day the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came with them.

God said to Satan: have you considered my children Adam and Eve? How they obey me in everything? Aren't I so great? I'm so awesome.

Satan said: they obey you only because they are without sin. Let me tempt them to sin, and they will disobey you to your face.

God replied: you have a fair point Satan. What fun is it if humans obey me because they love me? Go down and tempt them to sin, so I can curse them with original sin, then test them to see who still loves me afterwards.

So Satan descended into paradise about noon when Adam and Eve were having some nice apples from one of the trees of paradise.

Satan decided to tempt Adam first, so he called one of his demons and put over him an illusion, so he became a man like unto Adam.

Satan said unto the man: you will be called Steve, for through you Adam will be tempted and become bi-curious. This is why homosexuality is against the eleventh commandment to this day.

Then Steve approached Adam, who had never seen another human besides Eve- and Adam was drawn away from his wife by the lust of his eyes. Then Adam lay with Steve late into the afternoon.

Eve went into Adam and tried to get his attention, but Adam simply ignored her and lay with Steve some more.

Finally Eve had enough and decided to go look for something to do.

Now the serpent was more cunning then all the beasts, for he was actually Satan in disguise, pretending to be a serpent.

He descended from the branches of the tree of forbidden fruit and said: has God truly said you should not eat of every tree in the garden?

Eve said: we can eat of every tree except the forbidden fruit.

Satan replied: yet your husband Adam has already done that which God has bade him not do, by tasting of the forbidden fruit. Come and eat, for God knows that when you have both eaten you will become like gods, and no longer be gullible children that believe everything he says.

Then Eve saw that the fruit was delightful, so she invited the serpent that she might taste his forbidden fruit. So Satan descended upon her, and felt her up exceedingly, and entered her- even her womb.

Then God saw what his children were doing and said: what is this you have done!?

Adam said: Steve tempted me, and then Eve went away from me.

Eve said: Adam ignored me, so I went and lay with this serpent.

God said: Because you have done this you will be cursed. You will bring forth children in pain, and your husband will rule over you.

Then God cursed all serpents, so that they slither on their bellies- because Satan chose the guise of a serpent.

Truly, a serpent allowed Satan to use him as his vessel, and so all serpents were cursed.

Then Satan came before God's throne after the man and woman were put forth from the garden.

Satan said: I told you they would sin against you. I won this bet.

God replied: Gloat while you can Satan. I'll win the bet over Job in about two hundred years.

However, Satan didn't have foreknowledge of Job, so he said: let us put a guard before the tree of life, so the man might not eat of it and live forever.

God said: That's a good idea Satan, for if the man eats of the tree of life, it will be pointless for me to sacrifice my son in four thousand years, so that they might have eternal life.

Then Satan sent the hydra to guard the tree of life, and God made a sword that levitates and cuts on its own, because God can do that. He's magic and stuff.