"Me and My Darkness"
by SK-chan
June 30, 2006
Series: Ouran High School Host Club
Character(s): Nekozawa Umehito, with bits of Nekozawa Kirimi mentioned.
Rating: PG-13 for implied insanity and everything else that comes along with it.
Summary: Nekozawa questions his own life…which allows his sanity to be questioned. Also, as a note, I'm basing this off of Nekozawa hating the light because it truly harms him physically (as in a disorder that he had ever since he was born), and that he founded the Black Magic Club because it was an idea that struck him to find more people who are limited to only being able to live in the dark, yet the people who joined were not like him at all. Apparently his disease is very rare.
Oh, and as a second note, this is before episode 11/book 5, and if something like this would have occurred, events in that part of the series would have been extremely different.
As a third note, I've only finished one fanfic before this (I've also started two others, but never finished them), so don't be surprised if it's not quite up to par.
On a final note, I bet people are going to hate me for writing this, but hey, I felt like writing angst. So no flames, please.
All characters of Ouran don't belong to me, yadda yadda.
Warning: Angst, angst, ANGST.
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Where is my life going?
It seemed as if I took a wrong turn at birth. My condition…
Why was I born to experience a life such as this? I can't show myself to anyone, anything. I cannot expose my skin to anything but darkness. My long, blonde hair and my kind, blue eyes shall never truly see the light of day as long as I live.
Heh. Kind eyes.
Yes. Truly, I am kind. Yet, I cannot show my kindness to anyone. They won't let me. I can hear their screeching now…those girls…they cannot bear to look at me. Me and my darkness.
I pull my hood down to cover my ears.
Does my life mean anything? It seems as if all I can find is depression. Around every corner, and even staring right in front of me is the unbearable feeling of sadness in which I cannot be free. No one truly accepts me as who I am. I feel…alienated. Weird. Different. Alone.
The Black Magic Club members…they don't see me for who I truly am. Yet they worship me. Adore me.
Why?
The answer is plainly laid in front of my eyes. Because I accompany the darkness.
They don't love me. They love the darkness. They are obsessed with my closest friend.
But then…
Heh. There is something that allows me to live on.
Kirimi, it seems that you have placed meaning into my life. My life of darkness. My true goal is to be accepted by you, my sweet sister. To have you jump into my arms without a second thought. Yes; that is my lifelong desire.
But what a foolish desire. It'll never be grasped. You live for the light. I live for the night…the darkness, your greatest and most feared enemy.
Hm.
It wouldn't hurt to be accepted by others as well. Look at them. Running around in their brightly colored outfits, smiling and talking to others as if they have no care in the world. They bathe in the sun, laughing and running around like children. Their wardrobe does not consist of hooded robes.
I lay my eyes on the clothes they wear…
Ugh.
Those colors.
They burn…
What an excruciating agony. It digs itself deep into my skin, eventually paining my bones. It causes my stomach to churn and my joints to stiffen; I cannot move once the light has caught me in its net of intolerable brightness. I begin to feel faint…
I turn away and yank my hood down further to prevent the light from reaching my eyes, my skin, my soul.
I hate this. I cannot stand this. And yet, I continue to live day by day dealing with such isolation.
Why do I continue to live? I feel absolutely miserable…the robes cause me to sweat uncontrollably…
The answer is once again right in front of me, gazing into my sad, melancholy eyes.
For Kirimi.
For the chance of one day confronting her as a human being, and not as a creature of darkness.
I continue to wait for that day, longing for her attention. I crave it to the point of falling on my knees and begging for her to acknowledge me as her brother…but the reaction is always the same. Kirimi's eyes begin to water, and she accuses me of being a monster, one who shouldn't even be near her.
Maybe I shouldn't be near her. Maybe that's what was trying to be shown to me all along…that I wasn't meant to be a brother…I wasn't meant to have a sibling…I wasn't meant to live.
I gaze over at the table nearby. There is a sharp object lying motionless, its blade reflecting the candlelight onto a nearby wall. The strange light dances as the lit candle flame does the same, mimicking every move.
The knife appears friendly. As if it only wishes for someone else to dance along with it.
I gaze with crazed eyes over at the weapon and smile slightly. Finally someone who appreciates me for who I truly am. I can even pull off these old robes if I wanted, and it would still shine on the wall, moving in tune with the candle's fire.
I creep towards the enchanting object…and accept the dance.