The outta this universe bonkers Volturi show!
The afternoon Sun floods through the satin blood red curtains in individual streamlined rays, each one intense, almost like the pale faced black haired cloaked figure sititng on the oak floor, singing to himself.
Aro: Dum dum dum dummmmmmmmmmm, super massive black hole!. (laughs manically yet childlike) go thunder!
Jane: (Walks into the room and gazes at Aro in confusion.) What the Marcus's gstring are you singing about?!
Aro: Just remembering the time where the Cullen's played baseball and the sadistic nomads showed up to eat little Bella, Jane my dear. (sighs whistfully.) Those WERE the days!
Jane: (Widenens her crimsons eyes in dibelief.) Um Aro, you wern't there. You just watch the "Twilight" movie. The song never played in real life. (Takes in Aro's sad puppy dog eyes and starts to panick. She has upset the king of the cats!) I'm very, very sorry, please don't punish me! I was only joking, that DID happen. You were there! Just like when you really did steal Harry Potter's wand.
Aro: (Begins to grin madly, like the chesire cats pedo cousin.) It was his flesh wand! Not his................
Jane: (Puts hands over ears and shivers in disgust.) Yeah, yeah, I know. I guess I'll give you some alone time. (walks out of the room, bolting the door behind her. She shakes her hands in even more disgust.) Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ewwwwwwwwwww ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Alec: (Hugs his sister spontaneosuly.) Woo, I love ya sis in a non incestial relationship! (Notices Jane's horrified expression.) Jane?
Jane: Oh Alec, Aro has gone, (takes deep breath,) completly utterly off his nut!
Alec: Oh my Marcus's gstring, Aro has lost one of his nuts?
Felix: (Jumps from mid air.) Boo yeah! Wait! Seriously Alec, did you check?
Alec: (Slaps one of his hands to his forehead.) No, Jane told me.
Felix: Little Janie is having an affair with Aro? Sulpicia will rip your face off, not to mention...........
Jane: (Scowls menacingly.) I'd shut up if I were you. I meant Aro has gone loopy loo, crazy, not that he has lost his balls..........
Laurent: (Zombified as he is back from the dead!) Speaking of balls, (picks up baseball, stroking it tenderly,) I beleive this is yours. (Hands it to Alec.)
Alec: Um, thanks?
Felix: Are you the new member of the guard? (Puffs out chest to try and look macho.)
Laurent: No, I am dead. But I'm here to bitch slap snow barbie for bitch slapping my girl and burning her cause she didn't find him as sexy as me! (Shakes hips and sings macareena.)
Caius: (Storms down the corridor shaking his hair.) Damm imbosilic wife who threw flour in my hair just cause I asked that tasty human girl to show me her moves!
Felix: (Laughs.) Hahahhahahah, wait I can't notice the flour!
Laurent: (Punches Caius in the face.) No one takes on Irina babes and gets away with it.
Caius: (Holds jaw.) Who in Marcus's gstring are you? Why did you hit me?! (Removes lighter from pocket. Singing immortal children pop up from the floor and shout halleluah. Caius snarls at them and they vanish.)I will burn you Lil Wayne lookalike!
Laurent: Good luck, I'm a ghosty zombie, raghhhhhhh! (pulls a scary face.) Yeah, let it rock! (Vanishes in thin air.)
Jane: (Rolls her eyes.) Why is this ridiculous place so randomly dumb?!
Aro: (Screams like a little girl from the room.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's a spider. Kill it Jane, KILL IT!
Felix, Caius and Alec rush away leaving Jane to stand outside the door on her own.
Jane: (A slight vein pops up on her pale forehead.) Comming Aro.
Aro: Teeheee, Jane you are a devil!
Afetr the break, find out what happens when Renata's stupidity costs her the man of her human dreams..........................
Heidi is staring transfixed at the wire rimmed mirror, placing in her blue contacts which make her normally red eyes look violet.
Heidi:(sings to herself,) I'm so pretty, so pretty, so witty and............
Renata: Vain! (grimaces behing Heidi.) You are such a slut you know that!
Heidi: (looks hurt.) Why Renata, why be such a meany. (Eyes glass over,) I thought we were friends?
Renata: We are silly billy, it's just that Marcus paid me in lapdances to say that to you! (hugs Heidi.)
Heidi: Wait? Why would HE be the jerk?! I get him old Italiana spinsters!
Renata: Well, he says that being a slut is good!
Heidi: (furrows her brow in thought.) That does not sound like Marcus! Are you sure it wern't Aro?
Renata: Oh yeah! (giggles,) I get them two mixed up, Aro is the white haired guy with the pointed chin right?
Heidi: (opens mouth in shock.) No. That's Caius! (Shakes her head,) gosh Renata you are such a klutz!
Renata: He said my nickname was donut. (Folds her arms defencivly.) I used to love donuts as a human. (Eyes glass over.) I could have married Homer Simpson. We were the goddamm perfect match!
Heidi: Calm down now. Homer is fictional.
Renata: No effing way! Next thing you'll be telling me is Edward Cullen is fictional. That I am!
Heidi: We are not fake! We exist! (Glances at large ornamental clock,) now I gotta get the food. See you in the feeding room!
A few hours later...................
Marcus: I'm hungry!
Aro: I'm hungry!
Caius: Shut up right now or I'll.............................
Heidi: (Skips into room with humans.) Food time!
All tourists are then attacked by the Volturi. Renata pounces on the nearest human, however stops mid feed......
Renata: (Gasps,) It's the human equivalent of Homer Simpson!
Guy: (in Homer's voice,) Get off me you pshycho!
Renata: Oh my Marcus's gstring, I'm sorry, please forgive me! (Hugs the bleeding man,) we can still get married, and live together forever.....................
Guy: Let me die now you parasite!
Renata: Nooooooooooooooo! (Runs from the room screaming.)
The three leaders glance at each other from across the room.
Aro: Dibs on the lard ass! (Jumps on the guy.)
Caius: Why is she even part of our official cloak club?! She should get burnt due to her madness! (Removes lighter from pocket. Singing immortal children pop up from the floor and shout halleluah. Caius snarls at them and they vanish.)
Aro: (Mouth is full from blood, which leaks onto his chin,) She protects me from the foul beast. (Points at Marcus.) The FOUL beast!
Marcus: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Heidi: I may have sparked a weird reaction from her. She did say that Caius called me a slut!
Caius: And is that a bad thing?! (Shrugs shoulders,) at least you aint a fridge like Edward Cullen!
In Forks, Edward is sitting on the couch beside Bella.
Bella: Edward whats wrong?
Edward: (Eyes wide,) I have a terifying feeling that Caius thinks I'm fridgid!
Bella: Don't worry, your not anymore!
Edward: Anymore?! I was?
Bella: (Mumbles guiltily.) Well, when I was human I didn't exactly get you excited and I needed a real man, so I kinda saw Jasper....................
Edward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Back in Volterra..................
Heidi: Good point! I really don't want Bella to cheat on me with Jasper!
As the moon rises over fair Volterra, us humans can't help but wonder why the seemingly dangerous vampire leaders are actually tool bags to the highest degree!
Tune in next time for more exciting shenanigans in the Volturi coven!