A/N: This is a fanfic I wrote for Deidei's birthday. This includes Sasuke tortures, a drunk Hidan and a hyper Tobi. Don't like, don't read. Rated T for Hidan's mouth.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and Akatsuki. They belong to Kishimoto, even though I wished I did so that Akatsuki can still be alive
The sun was shining brightly into the Akatsuki hideout. Tobi woke up, feeling afresh, but without his precious Sempai around, he felt rather lonely. Suddenly, he remembered something important. Its Deidara's birthday today!
Feeling extremely excited, the good boy rushed down to wake up others, except Deidara, who was out somewhere which I will explain later. It was still 6am in the morning, and most of the Akatsuki members are still asleep, save for Zetsu, who was taking his daily morning walk with his flowers.
"LEADER-SAN! WAKEY WAKEY!" Tobi yelled at the top of his voice. Pein and Konan were hugging each other in an awkward position, and immediately jolted awake when Tobi burst into their room. The couple blushed into a thousand shades of red, before Pein used his Shinra Tensei and pushed Tobi to the wall, which Tobi surprisingly, managed to survive without a scratch.
Now that Pein and Konan are both wide awake, Tobi went on to wake up the other members, managing to survive unscathed from being ripped into pieces by Kakuzu, sacrificed to Jashin by Hidan, avoid a Tsukiyomi, avoid being turned into a puppet and having Samehada get a taste of his chakra.
~Timeskip~
Everyone was groggy eyed in the meeting room. Hidan was swearing under his breath about how good Tobi would be for a sacrifice and Kakuzu was complaining about the loss of money.
"Well, Tobi, since you have woken us up much earlier before the morning call, you better have something important to tell us." A very pissed off Pein said.
"Tobi knows that it is Deidara-sempai's birthday today!" Tobi exclaimed excitedly.
"So? What about that brat's birthday?"
"Tobi thinks we should throw a birthday party for him!" the good boy said merrily.
"Tobi, you do know that we are a bunch of S-ranked criminals, not a group of 6-year-old kids." Pein sighed. Sometimes, he wondered why he actually bothered recruiting the good boy, when all he does is to wreak havoc within the hideout and run away from dogs.
"…" Awkward silence.
"I beg to differ from your opinion, Leader-sama. But someone in this organization still wears pink Hello Kitty pyjamas and hugs a teddy bear when he sleeps."
"Hey, fuck off, you asshole! What's wrong with hugging fucking teddy bears and wearing Hello Kitty? My dad used to do that all the fucking time too." A certain Jashinist yelled, earning the sniggers from Kisame and Zetsu.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MUTATED HUMANS!" Hidan yelled at the duo who were laughing at him. "At least I have a fully grown manhood that appeals to all bitches!" This, in turn, just earned more laughters and smirks from the other members.
"Hey, Leader-sama, I think that kid's gotta point. Remember the party we had for Konan's birthday last year?" Kisame asked.
"Woo! Fuck yeah! That was a hell of a party!" Hidan and Black Zetsu both exclaimed.
"Not only did I drink 1000 bottles of sake, I also managed to fuck some bitches with nice asses!" Hidan exclaimed.
While the more party-going members were busy discussing over the wonderful things that happened during the last birthday party, the more stoic members were rather unhappy about the incident.
"Hell no." Sasori said.
"It costs too much money."
"Hn."
"Leader-sama, you do remember that Konan nearly got raped by five guys that night?" White Zetsu asked.
"And Itachi and that brat nearly got killed by fangirls. They made that brat and I kiss each other as a symbol of love." Sasori added.
Flashback
It was February 20. The Akatsuki members were getting ready to hit the Konoha Pub for some fun and awesomeness. About why they chose that place, only Madara knows.
Hidan was busy getting drunk with lots and lots of bottles of sake on the table, Pein was busy Shinra Tensei-ing the dudes who attempted to rape Konan, who specially dressed very sexily for this day, Kakuzu was trying to rob money from people's wallets, as well as gambling with the drunk dudes, killing them off everytime he loses. Zetsu was arguing with himself about what to do. Black Zetsu wanted to hit the dancefloor, while White Zetsu wanted to have a tasty meal with so many people around to choose from. Tobi was dancing at the centre of the dancefloor, wearing the gayest costumes anyone can ever imagine. And of course, Madara was there, busying taking pictures of Tobi's poses.* Jeez, what a creep. Sasori was hiding inside Hiruko, apparently trying to avoid the crazy crowd, and Kisame was busying mingling with the others, hoping to find a girlfriend and not scaring off people.
Deidara and Itachi, well, they aren't so lucky. Due to the overwhelming number of fangirls and fanbases both of them have, they are constantly being chased and glomped by fangirls.
"Itachi-sama, marry me!"
"Kiss me, Deidara-chan!"
The duo were freaked out. They should have never came to this place in the first place. More and more fangirls started to arrive just to get a chance to touch their beloved and smexy criminals, until both of them were completely buried under a pile of fangirls.
The party got wilder. Hidan went from drinking lots of sake to having sex with random ladies that he find appealing to his eyes.
Hiruko was tore down by fangirls after one of the smarter ones noticed that a Hiruko equals to a Sasori. Sasori and Deidara were being forced to kiss each other by the SasoDei fangirls, while Itachi used Tsukiyomi on himself to escape hell. Kakuzu just robbed the cashier, and Pein and Konan were making out in an isolated room. Zetsu was still Zetsu, busy arguing with himself, while Tobi danced till the world ended. Kisame was having a major hangover, lying on the table, half dead with reeks of alcohol coming from him.
And then Tobi broke the entire dancefloor, and the whole Akatsuki were chased out, with fangirls still chasing after Deidara and Sasori.
End of flashback
"… Now that sucks," Konan said.
"Can't we just have a private party for ourselves. Seriously, we need a break from all these Bijuu hunting and stuff."
"Hm, that sounds like a plausible idea. I shall consider it." Pein said.
"Yay! Leader-san is the best!" Tobi exclaimed as he gave Pein a bear hug.
"Tobi, be a good boy… and… get… off… me." Pein said as he gasped for air.
~Timeskip (Let's just assume that Pein approved in the end due to Tobi's constant perstering)~
"Everything all set? Where's the host?"
"He's right here in the sack."
"Hn."
"Are the decorations done?"
"Yeah, we locked Tobi up to prevent any trouble."
"Can someone on the fucking lights? It's so fucking dark here!"
"Now where's that brat? And shut up Hidan. No one wants to hear your grumbles."
"Yeah, you shut your mouth up first you fucking piece of wood."
~With Deidara~
Deidara was walking back to the hideout contently. Like I said, I will explain everything later. Good thing he managed to avoid Tobi for the entire day.
"I bet no one here would actually bother to remember what date it is today, un." He sighed. He remembered telling Tobi and Sasori about his birthday, but the former was probably too hyper to remember while latter just don't care.
Deidara walked into the hideout, surprised that it was all dark and silent. Normally Tobi would be pestering Zetsu to play with him, Hidan would be swearing at Kakuzu for counting his money out loud and Kisame would be talking to Samehada about dog walks and fish.
Suddenly, the lights went on and everyone jumped out of their hiding place and screamed," Happy Birthday!" Deidara was completely brought aback by this when Tobi burst out of the room he was locked in and gave him a tight bear hug.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEMPAI!"
"Tobi, let... go... of... me... I'm... choking to... death...un..." Deidara said as he gasped for air.
"C'mon, bring out the fucking sake yeah!" Hidan yelled as Kisame dragged in a thousand bottles of sake Kakuzu stole from the market.
"Hey brat, we brought you a present that you would like," Sasori said indifferently. Well, he's a puppet, puppets don't celebrate birthdays, that's why he doesn't care.
Itachi took off the cloth that covered the present, only to reveal a gagged Sasuke tied to an assort of explosives.
"Just drop some of your clay and detonate it, the entire pile of explosives will explode." Itachi explained monotonously.
Deidara's eyes shined when he heard about colourful explosions and fireworks and a Sasuke killed in an explosion. He immediately grabbed some of his clay and made some clay spiders, which crawled towards the explosives.
Sasuke's eyes widened as the spiders crawled closer to him as he desperately tried to break free in a failed attempt.
"Katsu!" Sasuke was blown into bits and up into the sky where no one knows where and colourful fireworks shot into the sky in all directions.
"This. Is. The. Best. Present. I. Ever. Had. Un!" Deidara said as he shed a few tears of happiness.
And so the party went on for the entire night, with Hidan getting himself drunk and no fangirls and perverted drunk dudes around.
~Later at 2am in the morning~
"Ne Danna, how did you guys manage to capture Sasuke, un?"
"Oh, thats a long story, brat."
~Flashback~
Sasuke was walking in the forest hoping to search for clues about Itachi. Suddenly, a flock of crows flew past him and started to form a shadow of an Itachi.
Itachi looked at his brother, and said emoly," Sasuke, you lack hatred."
"Itachi, I KILL YOU!" A raged Sasuke yelled as he charged towards his brother with his sword, but Itachi just dissipated into crows.
"Trying to trick me with your genjutsu again huh?" Sasuke smirked. Just then, Sasuke felt a jolt of pain that paralysed him and a giant sword knocked onto his head and Sasuke blacked out.
"Hey, I got that kid', guys!" Kisame exclaimed as he withdrew his sword.
"Sasori, are you sure you paralysed him?"
"Yeah, like my poisons would ever fail." Sasori rolled his eyes.
"Let's get to the hideout before Zetsu finds us." Itachi said.
End of flashback
"Well, brat, tell me where you went for the entire day. Haven't seen you since last night."
"Oh yeah, un. I went out to my village to check things out and cause some havoc, un. I can't believe that old man still complains about me, un. Just look at his face when I appeared right in front of him, un! It was...so funny, un!" And I went to flirt with some girls there and got chased by Iwa ninjas and fangirls, but it's still fun trolling those foolish bastards, un!"
Sometimes I can never understand that brat, Sasori sighed.
~Meanwhile, in Iwa~
"DEIDARA, GET BACK HERE!" Onoki screamed when he realised that the Tschaikage tower was not only burnt from the bomb attack, but also have a clown face of him imprinted on it.
The end.
*Madara does appear in my other fanfiction as a photographer that loves to take pictures of people in exotic costumes for his magazine.
Dawn: Happy birthday Deidei!
Deidara: Aw, thanks! Can I blow up Tobi now?
Dawn: Sure! :D
Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!
Deidara: Katsu!