Title: Television Critic

Author: Scorpio

Fandom: Hercules & Xena

Genre: Uber, Godfic, Gen

Warning!Spoiler Alert: Yes Virginia, there is a Hercules & Armageddon Now Part 1

Disclaimer: MCA/Universal own Hercules the Legendary Journeys & Xena Warrior Princess. Kevin Sorbo, Kevin Smith (RIP), Lucy Lawless & Bruce Campbell own themselves.

Summary: Not everyone is a fan of the show Hercules: the Legendary Journeys.

"You know…" Ares drawled with a dark edge of sarcasm lacing his voice, "it's funny how this has become a weekly event despite the fact that I've heard Zeus chide that moralistic whiner about family loyalty, dignity, and sullying all of our reputations more than once."

Hermes snickered. "Now Ares…Hercules isn't that bad."

Ares gave him a flat look of distaste and Hermes chuckled softly before shrugging in sheepish agreement. "Okay…he isn't that bad usually. Although he does have his moments, doesn't he?"

Ares rolled his eyes and glowered. "Yeah, laugh it up. You're not one of the ones his little television show is constantly insulting and making fun of. And that spin-off show Xena is even worse!"

Hermes' grin stretched even wider and his eyes sparkled with mirth.

"As if any of my lovers would leave me! Me! Ares, God of War!"

Hermes made a snorting-choking noise before he was able to get his suppressed laughter under control. Then he patted Ares on the back soothingly. "At least he gave you credit for having good taste. That Lucy actress is fifty kinds of hot."

Ares huffed out a breath of air and rolled his eyes again. Then he sagged slightly and nodded his head because yeah, Lucy was fifty kinds of hot. So was Kevin Smith. Plus as a bonus, the actor that played him had a great scowl. That was sort of flattering.

Just then Hermes' demigod son sauntered over, a smirk on his handsome face.

"Dad, Ares."

Hermes beamed a huge smile. "Hey Auto. Are you ready for the weekly showing of Hercules' Legendary Journeys and Xena Warrior Princess?"

The immortal thief's smirk turned into a grin and he nodded. "I hope it's another Autolycus episode. Bruce Campbell isn't just the greatest actor in the world, he's also The Man."

Ares grit his teeth to bite back a snide remark. It wasn't Bruce's fault that the real Autolycus drove Ares up a wall. Especially since Ares sort of agreed that Bruce was great. He loved the movie Evil Dead and had been a fan ever since.

"Look, I'm gonna head in before the show starts. Zeus'll be pissed off if I'm not there to be publicly humiliated. Again."

Ares disappeared leaving a spark of red light to zip through the space his body had been and his outline dissolved in a rain of golden glitter. He reappeared in another zip of red light inside the theater itself.

The Olympian Theater was a lot like mortal theaters, but on a scale of grandeur that mortals could never reach. For one, it was open to the sky and made all of marble. A giant screen floated in midair at one end and the other was built like a traditional amphitheater. The marble seats all had blue cushions with gold trim and floating trays of food and drink wandered through the air up and down the rows. Minor godlings, demigods, and various immortals gathered there.

The amphitheater was also ringed on three sides of the screen with fancy marble box seats that floated above the main seating area. There were twelve box seats, one for each member of the Council of Twelve. There was enough space in each box for the Olympian that owned it and up to six of their retainers.

Zeus' and Hera's box seats were next to each other directly in front of the screen. Athena's was next to Zeus' and hers was followed by Apollo, Poseidon, Demeter and finally Hermes. Ares' own box seat was next to Hera's and his was followed by Artemis, Aphrodite, Dionysus, and then finally Hephaestus.

Ares glared around his box seat. Zeus had designed and decorated the place so all of the box seats matched. It was possible to change it while the owner was there, but as soon as he or she left it would revert back. So, it was as it always the same when he showed up. Blinding sourceless white light. Snowy white marble carved with images of Pegasus flying through the sky; day on one end of the fresco and night on the other. One large throne surrounded by six smaller thrones, all white marble with blue and gold cushions.

Yuck.

It was bad enough that he'd have to sit through an hour of watching his younger brother's television show insult he and his mother and then another hour of watching one of his so-called mortal lovers turning against him…he refused to do it while sitting in a box seat his father had decorated.

He sat down on the largest throne and it shifted into a big black leather Lay-Z-Boy recliner with heat and massage function. The other six thrones melted together to form two other Lay-Z-Boys that were both smaller and grey; one on either side of his own. The white marble of the box itself slowly darkened to charcoal colored fieldstone and the carved frescos changed to that of armored men in battle with swords and spears. The sourceless white light winked out as twin wrought-iron candelabra with creamy off-white candles snapped into place in each corner. They gave off a soothing flickering golden glow. The back wall shivered briefly and then liquefied to allow a shield with crossed spears over it to emerge from its depths before solidifying once again. Then four black lacquered tables popped up out of the floor; two on either side of his Lay-Z-Boy and one on the far side of the other two recliners.

Reaching out to one of the tables, Ares wrapped his hand around a golden goblet that appeared in a small flash of light and watched the balconies of the other box seats. You could always tell who had arrived by the decorating changes.

Dite was already there if the hideous pink marble was any indication. So was Demeter. Her balcony was still snowy white marble, but it was now overhung with vines and flowers. Ooo, Apollo just arrived. If the bright flash of light coming from his box seat didn't clue anyone in, the balcony slowly gilding itself in gold surely would. And here's Poseidon. His balcony just shifted to mother-of-pearl with twin statues of seahorses growing up out of each corner.

A small flash of light to his right distracted Ares and he turned to look over as his nephew Strife appeared. The God of Mischief had his face twisted up in a look of frustrated disgust.

"I can't believe I have to be here for this. I've got better things to do with my time, you know."

Strife flopped gracelessly down into one of the smaller grey Lay-Z-Boys and it instantly shifted from leather to suede and became embroidered with little black spiders all over it. Ares raised an eyebrow at him that was half curiosity and half 'get on with it'. Strife smirked.

"There's this peaceful demonstration in the middle east against the current regime being held by some university students that want more rights, more freedom, more representation, blah-blah, yadda-yadda."

A mocking look of amusement twisted Ares' lips and made his eyes sparkle. "And you…care about their little woes?"

Strife snorted. "Shit no. I was just planning to turn it from a peaceful demonstration into a riot."

Then he shrugged and looked thoughtful. "It'd probably even help their cause. Make the government take 'em seriously. Maybe even make international news." He grinned and tried to look modest and innocent. "They should really be thankin' me for taking an interest in 'em."

"Uh huh." Ares' grin widened in amusement. "I'm sure they'll be real grateful…right up until they start getting hit with riot batons or possibly bullets."

Strife shrugged, his lack of sympathy evident. "If it's that important to 'em, then they can suffer a bit to get what they want."

Just then, Discord flashed in on Ares other side. She glared all around her before she let loose a snarl and kicked her waiting Lay-Z-Boy. A red and orange flame design grew up the sides of the chair even as she threw her hands in the air.

"I hate Hercules!"

She slumped bonelessly onto her recliner and pouted. "I was in the middle of something important! Then I have to drop everything and come here. For what? A viewing of a stupid show that makes me look bad to millions of mortals world wide?"

Strife shared a smirk with Ares for a moment and then shifted forward to throw an innocent and sympathetic look at Discord. "Something important? I hear ya. So…what's his name?"

"Spike."

Discord's eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what it implied. Then her eyes narrowed in irritation and she also leaned forward to glare back at Strife. "Shut up, asshole!"

Then she plucked a dagger out of thin air and threw it at Strife's head.

Strife grabbed it a mere inch from his forehead, glanced up at it, and gulped down a swallow. He flipped the dagger around in his hand and scowled back at her. "That would have hurt! Bitch!"

"Idiot!"

"Slut!"

Ares threw out both hands and slapped Strife and Discord on the backs of their heads hard enough to knock them both out of their chairs and to the floor. "Enough! Both of you! I don't want to be here anymore than either of you, but until the old goat gets bored with it, we're all stuck."

Glaring at him and each other, Strife and Discord picked themselves up and flopped back into their chairs, identical pouts on their faces.

Ares sighed and leaned back in his Lay-Z-Boy. Reaching up with one hand, he pinched the bridge of his nose. He was the God of War, the strongest Olympian outside of Zeus and Hera. It was physically impossible for him to get a migraine. No matter that at the moment his head really wanted to explode.

Just then, the lights dimmed all around the amphitheater and the giant screen floating in the air began to glow. A larger than life sized picture of his younger brother Hercules flashed to life and that hated theme song began to fill his ears. Ares took a moment to wish that his head would just do as it wanted and explode. At least then he'd have a legitimate reason not to watch this crap.

Then the show started. Armageddon Now. It was a two-parter and it seemed as cheesy and over done as all of them.

When Callisto came on screen and started mouthing off to the evil Demon Hope the real Callisto, an immortal demigoddess Amazon in service to Artemis, groaned loud enough to be heard by all. "Oh just great! Another 'Callisto is a psychotic maniac' episode!"

This was met by chuckling and a few of the other demigods teasing her. Popcorn and small candies took flight through the air over the amphitheater for a moment or two.

Soon the scene shifted as the onscreen Callisto came to Ares' Temple to do Hope's bidding. Discord snickered loudly and sent wicked-eyed smirks at Strife every time his doppelganger on the screen got insulted or smacked around. She was particularly delighted when the Ares onscreen called Strife a worm. Leaning forward, she turned her head to face him and silently mouthed, "worm" at him. He retaliated with a thrown handful of popcorn.

Ares ignored them both in order to fume at his onscreen counterpart. "Oh Zeus…don't be an idiot!" He threw up his hands in exasperation. "Even Strife can see she's manipulating you! Stop thinking with your erection and use your brains!"

Sadly, onscreen Ares didn't listen to the advice shouted at him from the real God of War. Although, the part where Hercules got tossed through a portal into the void was kinda fun. He wouldn't mind doing that in real life.

Then they were back in onscreen Ares' Temple and the inevitable fight for the Hinds Blood was on. It was enjoyable to watch. He had to give props about that at least; both shows, no matter how annoying and ultimately insulting they might be, at least had good fight scenes in them. And of course, he kicked Callisto's ass.

Then the Demon Hope showed up.

Then Ares had the distinct displeasure of watching a super-powered Callisto kick his ass. Not amusing. Then his onscreen counterpart tag-teamed Strife to head into the metaphorical ring. Not good. When he watched Callisto pour out some of the Hinds Blood onto that dagger a sinking feeling swirled in his gut and he whispered harshly at the screen, "No idiot...don't stand there chatting. Grab me and go. Escape!"

Only, the onscreen Strife didn't listen either. And then Callisto spun around and stabbed him in the chest.

The audience of Olympians went deathly silent as they watched Strife collapse. Iolaus dashed over to Strife's crumpled body and said aloud what everyone there feared to hear.

"He's dead!"

What happened next in the show was lost to them because the real Strife leapt up from his chair and screamed at the top of his voice, "NOOOOOO!"

Waves of shock and anger rolled off of his body in sparks of energy that singed everything they landed on. He dashed across the box seat and gripped the railing on the balcony, leaning forward far enough to glare over at Zeus's floating box seat. There, sitting next to Zeus and smirking wildly was Hercules. "What? Not enjoying yourself, Strife?"

"How dare you!" The railing began to crumble under his crushing grip. "You call that entertainment? Killing off your family members?"

Strife's face crumpled from blazing anger to chilling horror. "Killing me?"

Then Discord was there, pulling Strife into her arms so he could sob on her shoulder. She sneered up at Hercules. "And you call us cruel?"

Hercules began to look a little less smug as he noted all the faces of his family turned to him in disapproval. Strife wasn't popular by any means, but killing him off…even onscreen, was a bit much.

Ares has finally had enough. His patience with this had finally hit an end. Standing, he walked over to Discord and Strife and placed a hand on each of their shoulders. Then he turned and glared over at his brother and their shared Father.

"I'm done. This is the final straw. I'm forced to sit here each week and watch on that damned screen as Hercules insults me, my mother, my sisters, and my nephew. I'm forced to make nice and not kill off his actor buddies and his screen writers and producers. I'm supposed to just grin and bare it while he makes fools of us in front of millions of mortals."

Ares pulled Discord and Strife in close to him, the God of Mischief's sniffling loud enough to be heard by all. "This is just one insult too many. I'm done."

And then he disappeared from the Olympian Theater and took them with him. In his wake, Ares left a huge fireball that burnt out his box seat. It burned hot enough to crumble even the fieldstone to ash that blew away in the wind.

There was a long pause and then Hercules shrugged. "Huh. Everyone's a critic." Then he chuckled. "Didn't think he'd take it that hard."

END