Umm, right now I'm blocked on ideas for my next chapter on Fallen Angel, its half way done but I have hardcore writers block. So I've decided to put it hiatus until I come up with the right ideas. This is my stress reliever to my writers block, so I hope you enjoy.

Summary: Rachel and Quinn have been dating a year, during that year Quinn has been diagnosed with cancer; and to addition to her fight with cancer, her and Rachel are battling her parents from keeping them apart. Things get too hard and Quinn becomes distant and into a world of depression, filled with nightmares and shattered dreams.

I hope that's enough to entice you all, also there is established Brittana, but they're just keeping it down low to remain friends with Quinn and not catch any bigotry from Quinn's parents. Also Quinn never lived in Belleview but in Lima, her entire life and became best friends with Santana, Brittany, and Kurt, and just friend great friends with Mercedes in grade school.

This is mostly au, however Quinn did cheat on Finn with Puck and had Beth but instead of living with Finn, then Puck, and finally moving in with Mercedes she moved into the berry home when Rachel asked for friendship. After the birth, both Mr. and Mrs. Fabray took their daughter in.

I own nothing but my errors, so don't sue me.

Alice out of Wonderland

Chapter 1

Fighting Fury and

Welcoming the Dark

"Why, why are you doing this? Can't you just accept that I love you and want to be with you?"

"This is not enough, ok? You and I had a great run, but that was then and this is now." Her tone suddenly softened when she noticed Rachel's distraught features; she gently took her girlfriend's hand into her own, her thumb tracing calming and loving circles onto the girl's wrists, before talking again. "You're sixteen; you shouldn't have to worry about a sick girl in the hospital, Rach. You have a future in front of you."

"And so do you, Quinn!" Rachel shouts out in frustration, snatching her appendage back and threading it through her chocolate locks. "Baby, just have hope. I am not going to give up and neither should you. You are doing fine and even getting better; you just need to stop fighting the hospital staff tooth and nail every step of the way, and take your meds, then you wouldn't be in so much pain." She says as she reaches out to caress the sickly blonde's face, but only to have it callously slapped away.

"Funny, it seems like you're blaming my sickness onto me. Do you think it's my fault? That I wanted this!" She all but yelled, trying her hardest to stop her anger from relinquishing itself onto the fighting brunette; and also not to rouse the attention of the nursing staff. Her parents left clear orders not to allow Rachel in, if found out they would be watching her 24/7; not a moments rest or peace of mind.

"No, Quinn!" the brunette silently yelled. "I'm just saying those are the things you need to do to get better and then we can go back to the way things were, baby. I'm not abandoning you."

Quinn saw the vivid determination on Rachel's features and knew this conversation wasn't going to go end in a clean break like she planned, so she needed to break the headstrong brunette's grit; it was the only way to save her from the real heartache she might endure in the next few months if her health further deteriorated. She would rather have Rachel to hate her and be happy with someone else, then to love her and be unhappy with their situation. It was the best for everyone.

"Rachel! Just stop, ok. You know what?" Quinn says as she uses all her strength to sit up and gaze at her soon former lover with a voided and vacant stare that was no longer warm and loving, instead cold and emotional less. "The reason why I'm suddenly breaking up with you is because I don't love you anymore and there is someone else."

"What?" Rachel's voice hoarsely crocked as brimming tears threatened to spill over; and her once bright shade of lovely auburn orbs, now lifeless and filled with heartache and disbelief. "No, you're lying. You wouldn't do that to me."

Quinn knew the brunette's purpose was now weakening and degenerating, that her heart was now shattering and ripping her soul in half; it hurt her to no end but she had to, no she needed to. Rachel was too good for her and needed someone who could help her reach her dreams, instead of someone holding her back. So, she needed to keep her cold Fabray persona until she knew Rachel would never come back for her.

"I tried to save you the heartache, but you kept pushing and brought this upon yourself. We are over, now leave before we further make a scene and my parents are notified." She says in a harsh whisper, needing Rachel to leave before her resolve crumbled and pulls her girlfriend into loving embrace while she sobbed.

"But…" the songstress's attempt plea was unsympathetically interrupted as the cold blonde continued.

"No buts, pleases, or anything of the sort; get it through your head that you and I can never be." Quinn quietly shrieked. When the golden haired teen was met with silence, she looked up and her breathe was momentarily stilled as she gaped at the girl she loved with all her heart shatter into an unknown being before her. The gutted songstress's body trembled and knees buckled beneath her as she broke out into a silent blubber; all dignity leaving her small frame while other emotions took it's place: anger, betrayal, depression, but most of a sense of unbearable grief. It took everything in Quinn's being not to get up and pull the broken girl into her arms.

'This is the only way before things get worse and complicated. She will get over me when time passes; I'm doing this for her.' She reasoned to herself.

Moments of asphyxiating silence covered them as substantial tension took over; neither of them not knowing what to say or how to truly express raging emotions flooding both of their chest cavities; the only thing that could be heard was the various machines that was connected to Quinn, she looked so frail and small (losing so much weight that she was now weighed as much as twelve year old child), yet she was still the most beautiful and strongest girl Rachel had ever laid eyes on, or even met for that matter.

Finally with a tear stained face, Rachel looked up into comatose azure eyes and spoke. "Just tell me two things, please" She was begging and Quinn could not deny her.

"What is it Berry?" The golden locks girl questions with a cruel snare as she restored back to teasing reference of her girlfriend's last name.

Rachel involuntary flinched as memories of the HBIC Quinn invaded her thoughts and it killed her that now she meant so little to the blonde that she could easily revert back to her old ways without hesitation. "First, who is it?"

"No one you or any of the other gleeks know. I met her in New York when they prepped me for my surgery. She was my roommate and we hit it off. She understands what I'm going through, and that's comfort you cannot provide for me." She lied. Rachel may had not understood, but she did feel her pain and never asked questions that were too difficult answer; instead she provided normalcy and romance: sneaking her out of bed and taking her to the park to star gaze, to the Lima Bean for coffee and sweet treats, or just to the botanical gardens to slow dance and share kisses. Just one touch from Rachel provided her with all the comfort and love in the world.

"How can I when you never want to talk about it? When I try nurturing you and being a caring girlfriend, you chastise me for treating you like you're sick. So when I act like you're not sick at all, you get angry at the world and at me. This is not fair!" The short auburn girl yells as she stands up abruptly and stares down at the girl that is nearly breaking her spirit.

"No Rachel, this isn't fair for me. I'm 16! I should be at home, hanging out with my three best friends and not have a care in the world; to be normal and happy instead of alone and sick in a cold hospital with crooning old nurses and doctors who are far too desensitized to even care about their patients anymore; that is not fair!" The head cheerleader retorts, while tears steadily streams down her cheek as her chest heaves; their argument now getting the best of her as her body screams for rest.

Rachel exasperatedly sighed as she ran a frustrated hand through her hair and paced, before delicately speaking, her voice laced with affection. "I know this is not fair for you, but you can't just give up. We can sneak out like last time and go to the cathedral."

"For what, Manhands?" Quinn tried to bit back the wounding insult, but it was too late; it had distressed her for what she had restored to, but no matter how unpleasant and painful this was for her, she easily kept it hidden underneath the guise of indifference.

Rachel ignored the stinging words and suffocating build in her chest, and kept going. "To pray."

"Why would I pray? There is no God. If he existed, then why would he forsake me, huh? Why would he allow my father to break my arm as my mother watched when I came out to them? For my sister to ignore my pleading calls when I need her most; simply because she's scared of what they may do to her if they knew she supported me for being gay and strong enough to stand up to them. So, I won't be leaving this room and won't pray anymore." Quinn snarls bitterly as she snatches off the golden crucifix from her neck and throws it at the tiny Jewess in front of her. "Keep, I don't need it anymore." She replies coldly, before lying back as her body succumbs to intense exhaustion.

"Just stop, Quinn! This is not you, this is just your anger and resentment; baby stop pushing me away because you're scared, and allow me to be here for you." She says while cupping Quinn's face "I love you so much it hurts." Rachel's thumbs soothingly caressed Quinn's cheek as she gazed into hurting emerald eyes that once shimmered and sparkled like bursting green fireworks on the fourth of July; now ever faded into the past and it tugged at the brunette's heart and soul. She leaned in, lips touched tentatively, both savoring it as if it was the last time they would ever kiss again. The kiss grew passionate as they softly pressed against each other and melding as one; it felt as though for a few moments they escaped into a world of their own before everything returned and came crashing down all around them once again.

It was moments later until Quinn realized what she was doing and that her resolve fleetingly lapsed. She used the last reserves of her strength to shove the brunette away as she hissed maliciously.

"No! Don't touch me ever again. Why can't you just accept this Rachel?"

"Because I just can't Quinn, I can't believe that all of the love and tears we shared were lies; that none of this meant anything, and that all the pain we endured was just because."

"Damn it, Rachel! Listen well, because after that this will be the end of this argument." Quinn takes a deep breath, steeling herself for another hurtful lie that will only destroy the auburn girl. "I don't love you and I never did. You were just here until I found someone I would rather spend my last few months with, I found her and she's more than what I could ever ask for; now leave and move on, because I already have. Goodbye and don't come back or I will have security throw you out." The blonde says as she turns away and gazes out of the window, silently wishing for better circumstances.

Rachel groaned in pain, all of it becoming too much for her to handle as she inaudibly rose and walked to the door. She paused as her hand grabbed the door knob and tenderly spoke with her back turned towards the eerily silent blonde. "This isn't goodbye, I don't know what it is but I refuse to say goodbye when I know you are the only one for me. This is just a see you later for now. I love Quinn and that can never change." When Quinn didn't respond, a defeated Rachel turned the knob and somberly ambled out as her heart left shattered on the floor.

Quinn turned over and intently stared at the door as she clasped on the yellow ducky and bunny that Rachel had gotten for her birthday; the two stuffed animals were now her only means of comfort. She held them tight while burying her face into the plush dolls, the scent of Rachel still lingered onto them, and it was all it took to push Quinn over the edge into a sobbing mess. And silently saying to no one, Quinn uttered "I love you too, Rae. Goodbye baby."