I always said I wasn't going to write a fanfic with Olivia and Noah but for this I need Noah in it as it is towards the end of season 16 and trying to keep in line with the show

Hope you enjoy it, the other fanfics are still getting written just had this in my mind for ages and put it to paper and been working on it for a while and with the season premier and knowing there is probably going to be no Bensidy this is my therapy LOL

It probably won't be long famous last words and not sure about the ending even but a few chapters have been written so enjoy and please review.

The bits in italics are flashbacks or dreams or what she is thinking

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Had it been really over a year since she said goodbye to Brian and only two months later that she got her son, even though Noah is still only fostered she still considered him her son. She didn't know what she would do in two months if she wasn't allowed to adopt him, motherhood was more than she ever imagined. She couldn't of loved him anymore if he was her own son, it was the family she had wanted a dreamed about the door that she thought had closed, the false pregnancy the relief that Brian felt and the disappointment that she felt but didn't say. Just when she had given up hope, wondering if it would ever happen believing it would never happen not with her PTSD and age, saying goodbye to Brian because she believe he didn't share her dreams of growing old with her. How many times did she wonder if she did the right thing.

The photo on her desk smiling back at her taken about three months ago at the beach the two of them happily playing in the sand her building sandcastles Noah happily stomping them to the ground his laughter echoing on the beach, tossing the sand and jumping around, she never imagine motherhood being so great and wonderful, trying to find a balance between work and home. She never thought she would get this much enjoyment out of being a mother, the early morning, sleepliness nights were all worth it.

Opening her drawer the photo lying there of her and Brian she had left it in her desk she couldn't throw out what they had her thoughts would often go back to what he was doing now, the last she heard from him was a congratulations when he heard she got Noah. She missed him there was a part of her that wished he was there helping her with Noah but she was the one who pushed him away, didn't open up to him, didn't share she was the one who broke up with him.

Balance she had finally worked out some sort of balance where she put Noah first, that was part of the problem the relationship at first was fine both of them putting work first, but then when they got close work seemed to come first, not Brian, he tried to put her first but still he missed her Sergeant crowning, the parties as congratulations but he was there for me during the trial and he was every day of it, waiting for me at home or coming to the trial.

Would she have gotten Noah if they were together would he of taken to him too, he didn't seem to interested in knowing about Baby Boy Doe, or was it she was more interested in that and work.

She did love him very much and when he lay his heart on the line she broke it, he tried to fix it, she didn't want to open up.

"There is something I need to tell you, something I've been meaning to say for a long time" her heard had skipped a beat "go ahead I can take it"

"no not like that, not at all, not even close… I love you" there he had said those three words even after moving in together they hadn't told each other that "I love you too Brian, always will" and with that they parted.

"Liv"

Looking up hearing her name slamming the drawer closed "Yes Nick"

"you alright" slight concern in his voice

Nodding her head "I'm fine, what's up"

"The perp is going down to Central booking to be charged, he folded in the end" walking away turning to look at Olivia she was somewhere else her mind seemed somewhere else not here.

"we're going to get a drink, you coming or you have to get home?"

Shaking her head looking at her watch "I have to get home to Noah, Lucy has something on tonight" grabbing her coat "I should of left here 15 minutes ago"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Running into the apartment "so sorry I'm late Lucy"

Scooping up Noah in her arms "how's my little man been"

Turning back to Lucy "sorry again Lucy, I'll see you Monday"

Picking up her coat "no problem Olivia, we will still make it"

Putting Noah back down on the floor with his toys "enjoy the night" her mind back on her son

Watching Noah happily play with his toys kneeling down next to him "enjoy your day with Lucy"

Picking up the toy Noah gives her "momma"

The happiness in his voice "that's right my boy

The big toothy grin "I miss yu" as he falls into her lap.

Ruffling his hair watching as he walks unsteadily over to some toys and back to her, "I miss you to baby, sometimes I wish I could just be with you spend all day with you, I love my job too and can't imagine not doing it" sighing

her baby boy was now eighteen months old a smile on his face as he grabs onto the lounge pulling himself up a big smile on his face "momma"

Putting her laptop down, it had been hard trying to juggle work and being a mother a lot of work was taken home with her so she could spend precious time with her son "what a clever boy you are, you hungry want your dinner"

Watching as he points to himself "Noh hungry wot dinner"

"What's the magic word my boy"

"plse, can I wath"

Picking him up putting him in his highchair "let's see what we have for dinner"

The fridge now full of food the day of take out most nights behind her, Olivia Benson actually cooking or the lovely Lucy making something for them "I think we will need to go shopping tomorrow my man"

Turning around to face him a huge smile on his face how did she become so lucky to have this little man in her life.

Closing the door quietly behind her it was this time of night she got her work done and also cleaned up the apartment slightly, Lucy was a god send, making dinner most nights cleaning up on call when she needed her.

Her eyes scanning the apartment what was a neat apartment now had toys scattered over it, the bookshelf which at one stage was full of her and Brian's stuff now had kids books in it and her and Noah's things. After Brian left the apartment was empty again there were many days she wondered if she did the right thing then Noah came into her life her precious baby boy, the family she had wanted so badly with Brian.

Shaking her head she couldn't think about Brian that was in the past she had a shit load of work to get through, the bottle of red wine in front of her she didn't want to admit it she missed Brian. She missed someone to talk to, she missed the intimacy she had, lying in bed with him, the way he made her feel. He came back into her life after 13 years apart it was more than comfort, what started out as something casual was more, it was like finding something you forgot you had and it was a perfect fit again. He was there for her through the toughest time of her life helping her night and day, helping her get through it and she couldn't open up to him she couldn't tell him what happened.

As Eileen said he was there for you during the trial and he was he made sure he had time off work to help me, and he helped me for the 2 months afterwards whilst many might of run away he was there, waking up, holding her making her hot chocolate not pushing her, giving her space showing a side of Brian that no one else saw or knew a side that she would have been loss without.

"I feel we are out of sync…..you went through the worst time with Lewis and the trial and do you realise you never once not once told me what happened to you… we're tired" why was it those words kept replaying through her mind was it because instead of growing close like he thought they would they drifted apart, did they have more fun hooking up.

Her phone ringing bringing her out of her thoughts "Benson"

"Have you got the TV on Liv"

"No, what's this about Nick"

"I think you'll want to see this Liv channel 5"

Switching on the television her eyes scanning the screen "what's going on here Nick" her voice questioning

The question not answered "do you know if Cassidy is working undercover again or is he still with IAB?"

The ache in her heart at hearing his name trying the confusion there, what was happening "Undercover still I think, Nick what is this about" her voice demanding

"I'm coming over, I'll be there in ten minutes, I'll text you when I arrive so I don't wake Noah"

The phone going dead her eyes moving down to the phone in her hand the worry evident on her face, what had happened to Cassidy, she knew Nick didn't think much of him but something must had happened for him to call her now.