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Keroberos becomes introspective and decides that furniture no longer had a place in Sakura Kinomoto's bedroom. The future holds much angst for our beloved winged beast. / Kero-centric – one-shot fic.
Keroberos, also known as Cerberus (Greek mythological three-headed dog thing), affectionately termed Kero-chan by a select few (but never by that stupid Syaoran brat, duh), also recognised as the Guardian Beast of the Clow (now Sakura) Book, also the Official Cardcaptor Candidate Selector (but that was just a one-time thing, until maybe Sakura dies or something), also The One Whose Symbol Is The Sun And Not The Moon, also Yue's partner in crime, was in somewhat of a foul mood.
Just moments ago, his best friend and ever glorious Master, Sakura Kinomoto, had confided in him that she had just gotten engaged. Granted, she was like, 24 now, and sure, she was an adult with adulty rights and stuff, but Kero would have none of that. This was his MASTER, who was headstrong and admirable (though a little bit of an awkward klutz and almost brainless to a fault sometimes). And now she was gonna get freaking married and what? Was Kero and Yue supposed to bow down to that stupid brat and address him as a co-master or some shiz?! Well, fine, Yue probably wouldn't even give a crap, but Kero was undeniably peeved about it.
THIS WILL NOT DO.
The yellow squish toy flew to the nearest wall in Sakura's bedroom and started banging his head against it in unhidden angst, repeating "THIS LIFE IS TOO CRUEL" over and over to his patient listener, who was sitting quietly in a corner, all poise and grace.
Tomoyo Daidōji, also known as Tomoyo-chan, also known as Sakura-chan's Talented Best Friend, also known Personal Wardrobe Maintainer For Sakura-chan, also known as Sakura-chan's Videographer, also heiress to her mother's multi-million dollar corporation Daidōji Toys Co., also co-owner of an outrageously successful yuri manga production company in Tokyo, also arguably the most celebrated singer in Tomoeda, was indeed a very patient woman. Sitting cross-legged on the ground, she sipped at her steaming genmaicha, extending her pinky finger in the air like a real lady. She paid close attention to Kero's rambling, noting how the creature took painstaking care in bashing his head against the wall in the most excruciating manner possible.
She finally had enough when Kero started to scream about how Sakura could do better.
"—AND I DON'T CARE IF HE'S GOT CLOW-SAMA'S BLOOD IN HIM OR WHATEVS, BUT—"
"Kero-chan, calm down."
"NO WAY, SISTER."
"You're overreacting."
The Guardian Beast whipped his head around so fast his neck cricked. "AM I?" he demanded, arms flailing like a hostile teenager throwing a hissy fit. "AM I OVERREACTING, MISS I-HAVE-EVER-ONLY-LOVED-SAKURA-CHAN? WHERE IS YOUR SYMPATHY, WOMAN?"
Tomoyo put her cup down and sighed. "Look here. You are clearly distraught. Why don't you—"
The rest of Tomoyo's sentence was drowned out by the subsequent crash that Kero made as he picked up Sakura's lovely alarm clock and threw it straight at the window ("DAMN THIS CLOCK!"). Glass shattered and the clock sailed right through the window and down to the ground below, narrowly missing the neighbour's unsuspecting cat.
"Oh my goodness, Kero-chan!" Tomoyo was shocked. "What in the world do you think you're doing?" she squeaked nervously, realising that the angry creature had suddenly transformed into his much larger self. "DON'T—" she started.
Too late.
Keroberos stomped onto Sakura's bed and started jumping up and down. The bed splintered spectacularly and broke in half. Grabbing the mattress by his sharp teeth, he started to rip it to shreds. The room was suddenly filled with a plume of fluttering feathers and bed stuffing. When Kero had enough of gnawing and tearing at the mattress, he flung what was left of it at Sakura's desk. Everything on the desk flew in various directions.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME," Keroberos continued to rant, doing a barrel roll off the bed and almost battering Tomoyo in the head with his powerful wings. "OBVIOUSLY SHE SHOULD JUST REMAIN SINGLE LIKE CLOW REED-SAMA REMAINED SINGLE, AND SHE SHOULDN'T MARRY 'CUZ CLOW-SAMA DIDN'T MARRY, EVEN THOUGH THE DOOFUS HAD A GIRLFRIEND. I MEAN YŪKO-SAN WAS AN OKAY CHICA, BUT NO ONE DESERVES CLOW-SAMA, NOT EVEN THAT SAD EMO YUE, AND NO ONE DESERVES MY BELOVED CARDCAPTOR SAKURA. UGHHHHH."
Tomoyo ran out of the room then. And she ran smack into Sakura's wonderful brother and his boyfriend.
"The HELL is going on in there?" the handsome Tōya Kinomoto growled.
"Um. Uh." Tomoyo fidgeted uncomfortably and tried to pluck stray feathers out of her frazzled hair. "The... the... earthquake...?"
Tōya shoved Tomoyo out of the way and barged into Sakura's room, catching Kero in the act of lighting Sakura's desk on fire. Sakura's bedframe was already merrily smouldering away.
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK."
Despite his outrage, Kero managed to freeze. Semi-sheepishly, he slowly turned around to look at Sakura's furious brother, who was standing at the door with Yukito peering in from the side almost innocently.
"WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY SISTER'S ROOM?" Tōya all but screamed.
Kero tried not to look guilty. He put on his most defiant face and stuck his tongue out. "YUE WILL UNDERSTAND," he declared and glared pointedly at Yukito, who blinked back.
"UNDERSTAND WHAT?" Tōya yelled. "WHAT PART OF ALL THIS NONSENSICAL VIOLENCE AND DESTRUCTION WILL HE UNDERSTAND?"
Kero huffed. "SAKURA'S GETTIN' HITCHED, BRO-SAN. SHE TOTALLY IS."
Tōya's eyes narrowed. "... I know."
"AND I AIN'T HAVIN' IT," Kero defended himself, puffing his chest out self-importantly. "SHE AIN'T GETTIN' WITH THAT STUPID KID-"
The disgruntled lion did not even have to finish his sentence before Tōya joined him in destroying what was left of Sakura's room, chucking a pretty pink photo frame displaying a picture of Syaoran out the window.
"I DO REALLY HATE THAT KID."
The hefty photo frame landed on the cat.
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