AN: I'm alive! And I survived my first year of grad school! (cue trumpet fanfare) I know I haven't updated my stories in FOREVER, but I really had no time to write anything that would have actually been worth reading… sorry about that. So, here's a little one-shot to get my head back into the world of Sailor Moon :)

Don't worry – I just finished rereading all my stories so I can remember exactly what my characters have been up to (and finding all the typos I'm still too lazy to fix), and will be working on updating Pass the Syrup, Please and then the others as soon as I can. Also, can I just say that I think my third chapter of Lost for Love is hilarious? Is it weird to read your own stories like someone else wrote them? Because I was cracking up so much I forgot it was mine…

I am so so so grateful for all the amazing reviews I got while in grad school hell. I can't express how much they meant to me. You all are the best :D

Disclaimer: Alas, Sailor Moon does not belong to me, but this shamelessly ridiculous story does. Yup, you've been warned – it's stupid. You're welcome.

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Motoki was wiping down a couple glasses behind the counter and Mamoru was just starting his first cup of coffee after lunch. All in all, it promised to be a nice, relaxing, regular –

"Motoki-onii-chan!"

Both young men looked up to see a sunny teenager come skipping through the sliding doors toward them. Motoki gave her a winning smile and even Mamoru allowed his lips to tilt up in a silent 'hello'. Anything more would be too noticeable.

"Usagi-chan," the arcade worker greeted, setting his glass down and whipping his towel over his shoulder, "And how are you today?"

"I'm great!"

Both men watched with amusement as she scrambled onto her barstool, but her next words shattered the beauty of that regular Saturday for one dark-haired college student.

"I finally had my first date!"

Mamoru choked on the sip of coffee he had just taken, his lungs screaming in protest at the intrusion of hot caffeine where they wanted air, even as his brain screamed even louder at what it had just heard. The Odango? On a date?! No that couldn't be right, he must have heard wrong, she must have said –

"A date? That's great!" Mamoru looked on in disbelief as his once best friend leaned onto the counter opposite the golden angel and smiled even wider. "Did you like it?"

"Like it? I loved it!"

Having finally gained his breath back, Mamoru listened in horror to what his brain could no longer deny, his heart plummeting into his stomach while he gripped the counter for dear life. No. This couldn't be happening. He had thought he had a few more years left at least! What happened to that over protective father of hers she was always complaining about?!

"I can't believe it took me this long to give them a try! I mean, Mako-chan was really persuasive and everything – "

Makoto! Mamoru had never liked that girl. She was too…nice! Yes, she was far too nice.

" – and of course you were always telling me I shouldn't be so picky – "

Motoki said that? To Usagi?! What the hell had he been thinking! Of course she should be picky! This was Usagi they were talking about – the most innocent, pure, light-hearted, kind, beautiful person he had ever met! Someone could take advantage of that! Who the hell did Motoki think he was giving her the awful advice to just date any old, random, stupid, disgusting teenage boy who decided to ask her out? Oh, Mamoru was pissed now.

" – so I had one this morning and you were right! Dates are the best!"

"I told you, Usagi." Motoki, the traitorous bastard said, winking at his young friend, "You should try new things more often."

"Yeah, you're right!" she agreed, leaning her head on her hand as if in memory of-of, Mamoru didn't even want to imagine what her date had been like. This couldn't be. This just couldn't be.

"What?!"

Two blonde heads whipped around in astonishment at the animalistic yowl of the dark-haired man they had momentarily ignored beside them.

Motoki raised his eyebrows in surprise even as Usagi lowered hers.

"What the heck, Mamoru-baka?" she winced, "And you tell me I'm loud."

Oh, so now she was going to act cute?! Oh, no way. This was not okay. "You had a date?!"

Usagi's nose scrunched up. "Yeeees." She said, slowly. What had him so upset? It was just a piece of fruit. She had thought he might be proud she was eaten something even remotely healthy. He had been part of the reason she had even tried the damn thing…

"B-but, you're – you can't – " She watched in confusion and a bit of enjoyment as the usually eloquent, calm, collected young man in front of her spluttered and stammered, his face growing red with the effort of speaking. Geez, he was actually pretty cute like this. Not that he wasn't normally, but still. This was new.

She grinned at his discomfort, "Spit it out, Mamoru!"

His hands fell from the hair he had been trying to uproot from his own head and clenched painfully around his coffee cup. He needed to stay calm. He needed to convince her never to do that again. But how? He had to have a reason she couldn't – aha!

"You're too young," he stated, in what he hoped was a firm voice. To his own ears it sounded more like a desperate wheeze, but maybe they didn't notice?

Oh, here we go, Usagi thought, rolling her eyes. This wasn't normally how he insulted her – usually he said 'immature' or 'baby,' but she supposed the sentiment was the same. She wasn't quite sure what had triggered the pronouncement at this exact moment in time, but if he wanted a fight, she could give him one. In fact, she had been hoping for a run-in with her handsome nemesis today.

She opened her mouth to reply when he decided to continue.

"You're too young for a date."

Usagi's mouth stayed open for a moment longer and then shut slowly. She mulled over his statement for a second, but found it didn't make any more sense than it did when he first said it. "What?"

Mamoru nodded as if his verdict was final, his calm face belied only by the death grip he had on his coffee mug. "You heard me. You're too young."

Even as she found his statement out of place and ridiculous, she felt her hackles rising at his ever-superior attitude. Holding on to sanity for a moment longer, she spit out through gritted teeth, "Mamoru, that doesn't even make sense!"

Mamoru's eyebrows lowered and she watched as his body stiffened with the tell-tale signs of anger. Why the hell did he have a right to be upset right now? "You can't even study for a test. You're too young to handle a date."

Usagi growled in frustration, slipping off her stool to poke the hard-headed upperclassmen in the chest. "Just where do you get off telling me what to do? Motoki is completely okay with it and I don't see what the heck it has to do with you!"

Mamoru surged off his seat and suddenly the anger she had seen simmering just under the surface of his skin came rising up, and if she wasn't so confused as to just where it was coming from, she would have been in awe at the sight. His face was a red mask of fury, his eyes like chips of ice under the fringe of his hair as his hands clenched into fists at his side. She could even see a vein throbbing in his temple. She had never seen him this angry, and that was saying something! She tried to repress an odd shudder of attraction as he towered over her. This was definitely new.

"I'm trying to protect you! Going on dates with guys your age is dangerous. Those idiots only want one thing and you are far too young and nice to be able to look after yourself!"

Usagi's eyes widened in comprehension and a small giggle slipped past her lips before she could stop it. His own eyes widened in response and then narrowed in fury and she cursed her lack of control. Raising her hands to make shushing gestures, she quickly tried to pacify her raging enemy by pointing out his mistake, but before she could he had turned his attention to his soon-to-be-dead best friend behind the counter, who had been watching the entire exchange with an air of general bemusement.

"And you!" Mamoru all but shouted, his finger sharp and eyes burning, "You're supposed to look after her! How could you let some-some greasy, hormonal teenager take her on a date?!"

"Bakaaa, you don't understand!" Mamoru felt a tugging on his arm and looked down to see a red-faced Odango pulling on the sleeve of his shirt in frustration. "It wasn't that kind of – "

She cut off with an 'eep' when she suddenly found a very angry Baka's nose two centimeters from her own. His warm breath puffing across her mouth made her go weak-kneed even as his eyes promised murder. "Who is he?"

"W-What?" she stuttered, suddenly having trouble concentrating.

"Who. Is. He?" Mamoru enunciated slowly, his face getting, if possible, even closer to hers.

"M-Mamoru, there isn't a – "

"Usagi-chan!"

The three people at the counter looked up in morbid fascination at the poor soul who had just walked in. Usagi immediately recognized her lab partner, who she had promised to meet this afternoon so they could work on their project before he met his boyfriend for dinner.

"Taikei-san," she breathed out, momentarily relieved to see someone sane before her eyes grew wide in fear as Mamoru gave a low growl beside her.

"No," Usagi turned quickly with her arms outstretched, but the Baka had already left her side and begun prowling toward her poor, innocent, unknowing friend. "Baka, no! He's just my friend, he's not – "

But Mamoru wasn't listening, having already reached Taikei who looked up at him curiously before smiling brightly and holding out his hand. "You must be a friend of Usagi's. I'm Ono Taikei, her – "

"Taikei, run!"

Taikei looked at Usagi, who now stood next to them, in bewilderment. Run? Run where? Was this a game? He had just opened his mouth to ask for clarification when every nerve in his hand screamed in pain. Taikei looked into the face of the young man now towering over him and felt his blood run cold. Was this what death looked like? Lean and muscular, with sweeping black hair and hard blue eyes – strong and cold and extremely, extremely attractive? The hand crushing his somehow constricted even more and Taikei felt his knees buckle.

"Baka!" he dimly heard Usagi screech, "Let go of him! You've got it all wrong!"

"Hello, Ono-san," the young man murmured darkly, completely ignoring the girl now hanging off of his arm in an attempt to save her friend, "You and I are going to have a little talk concerning Usako."

And with that he was being dragged right back out the sliding glass doors he had just entered.

Motoki stood in stunned silence behind the counter, unsure if he should run after his friend or just call an ambulance now. Usagi remained frozen in the middle of the arcade, her mouth hanging open, arms outstretched where she had, only a moment ago, gripped his very angry, very jealous friend, while they both watched Mamoru all but carry one of her classmates past the glass windows and down the street.

"Usa-Usako?"

He looked over to see Usagi's face light up in comprehension and glee and then she was off like a bullet, speeding after the two men as fast as her legs could take her, her shrill voice fading into the distance. "Mamoru-baka, stop! Geez, Mamoru-san, wait up, he's not – MAMO-CHAAAAN!"

Deciding that she could probably handle the situation just fine, Motoki finally allowed himself to give in to the laughter that had been bubbling inside him since Mamoru had first started choking. Oh, today wasn't a normal day at all. No, it was much, much better.

AN: Ridiculous, right? I did try to warn you. I'm sure this idea has been used plenty of times before, but I watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights recently, which has a pun about dates in it, and I was inspired!

Again, I'll be updating my other stories soon, I promise!