underneath my outside face,

there's a face that none can see.

a little less smiley,

a little less sure,

but a whole lot more like me.

- underface by shel silverstein

Simon Spier's underface started to show itself when he was in the sixth grade, and of all people, it was coaxed out by Harry Potter himself.

His twelfth birthday had come and gone, and with it, the annual Harry Potter marathon in Simon's basement, attended by Leah and Nick. It was as great as ever- Nick fell asleep halfway through The Goblet of Fire like he always did, and Leah and Simon ended up starting a whispered deep chat towards the end of The Order of the Phoenix like they always did (both Simon and Leah had seen the movies in their entirety multiple times over). The conversation didn't end until three-fourths of the way through The Deathly Hollows, like normal. In all aspects, Simon's twelfth birthday was as normal as any other birthday, and that's how his life stayed. Normal.

Until a week later, when Simon awoke at 3:29 in the morning after dreaming about kissing Harry Potter, Simon's life was just as normal as it had always been.

He shook it off. It was nothing strange, right? Everyone had those dreams every once in a while. He shoved the dream into the back of his mind and did his best to fall back asleep.

But the next night, Harry was back. And the night after that. Simon pulled his first all-nighter the fourth night. He spent the time he'd otherwise be spending dreaming about kissing Harry Potter researching, trying to figure out why he was having this recurring dream. He Googled for hours, everything from "why am i dreaming about kissing harry potter" to "do most boys think harry potter is attractive" to "do most boys think boys are attractive" to "am i gay quiz".

His conclusions? One: He was dreaming about kissing Harry because he thought Harry was attractive. (True.) Two: Most boys didn't think Harry was hot. Three: Most boys didn't think boys in general were hot. Four: He was maybe a little bit gay.

Simon hid his underface well. His smiley, fake Hetero-Simon mask fit perfectly. It looked just like his underface, too, which was a plus. He had girlfriends, which only solidified his gayness in his own head. He was sure they always felt more for him than he did for them.

Ninth grade rolled around and with it came a new group of friends. Leah and Nick were definitely still Simon's MVP's, but Nick's jock buddies Garrett and Bram were definitely inching their ways up onto Simon's list of friends. Especially Bram, who was known as Cute Bram when Simon was sure no one else could hear him. Bram was lean with an athletic build and some really nice calves. However, his body wasn't the half of it. He was actually really kind, rather nerdy and quiet, but so thoughtful and sweet and so Simon's type.

It was around December of sophomore year when Simon's underface began to fight its way out. At that point, he'd ruled out girls completely, and his crush on Cute Bram Greenfeld was as strong as Bram's calves (that is to say, very strong). Throughout the remainder of sophomore year, Simon had this compulsive urge to out himself through jokes. In math, they'd be graphing, and when his friend would draw a crooked line, Simon would have to fight the urge to joke about his sexuality and how it and the line had a lot in common.

Although on the outside looking in, Simon was happy and smiley and laughed all the time, on the inside, Simon was fighting himself. He'd come out to himself, accepting that this was the way it was and that was valid. However, he still had the rest of the world to come out to... and that thought made Simon's heart beat fast. He didn't like the thought of exposing his underface to the rest of the world, because just like he'd said to Blue, what if the world didn't like it?

It took blackmailing from Martin and all kinds of shit at school to make Simon's underface really make its way out. Simon wasn't even sure he wanted to show his underface, but Martin was set on Abby's heart. So when Martin ripped off the Hetero-Simon mask and exposed Simon's underface, he had no choice but to accept that his underface was now his outside face.

And that was really fucking scary. Being his genuine self was terrifying, and losing Blue in the process didn't help anything. Those weeks were the worst of Simon's life- more confusing than Harry Potter Week, scarier than coming out to himself, and more unbearable than his urge to out himself through puns. But like all good things, all bad things come to an end. And as Simon sat on the merry-go-round alone, he reminded himself of that.

He sat there for almost an hour, reminding himself of that, reminding himself that this torture had to end soon, one way or another. And then Cute Bram Greenfeld was running up to the ferris wheel, and then he was sitting next to Bram, to Blue, and he was talking to Bram, and staring into his eyes, and then he was kissing Cute Bram Greenfeld, and his underface was completely free. Hetero-Simon was dead, killed off, and instead of the smiley plaster mask that was Hetero-Simon there was real, raw, Simon Spier.

And that was the most freeing feeling that Simon Spier had ever felt in his life.

written for the april monthly oneshot contest at the lovely caesar's palace.