something new by denryuu
disclaimers etc: Pocket Monsters is not mine, but property of Tajiri Satoshi, Nintendo, Gamefreak and probably a few other people, too. Shounen ai (boys love) implications. Feedback appreciated ^_^
---
I miss him, a lot, which isn't like me. Although I'm a romantic, I'm definitely not your typical girl. But I miss him-- him, the clumsy, bigheaded, overly optimistic boy whose faults I can overlook with the blink of an eye.
It's certainly been a long time since I first pulled him out of the river, the years I note idly as I sit trying to teach Togepii a new attack. Long enough ago that I can't remember the reason I traveled all the way to Tokiwa in the first place. How could I forget any details of that day? I sit there struggling to remember, refusing to forget. I won't forget.
Slowly the urge fades away, for one reason or another. It's for the best, anyway. That day was over a long time ago, and it's time to focus on the days ahead. So why is that so hard? Him, I guess. The answer comes easily, as though I've known all along. And perhaps I have.
Togepii isn't learning anything. It's perfectly content with yubi wo furu attack, and I am too. I'd never use Togepii in a real battle, anyway. Only against Pikachuu, I decide, a small smile playing on my lips. It's not exactly genuine, but it's the best I can do for now.
Sort of serendipitous, you know, for Satoshi to exit my life so rapidly. It's given me time for other more important things like training, and keeping my place as a Gym Leader. I guess I finally am a Water Pokemon Master, though to title yourself is rather pretentious-- that's really more of his way, anyway. But my skills as a water pocket monster trainer are unsurpassed as of now, which I hope speaks for itself. I'm even being considered for the Shitennou, although that would mean being around Satoshi and I'm not quite sure I could handle that... But I'm finally content, as far as that's concerned.
I'll never admit it to anyone, but I'm sad. A hollow sort of pain that won't go away... trite isn't it? But there's something that makes him so much more untouchable when he's with that guy, and it hurts. He was supposed to be mine, not his, because I took care of him. But I can't make him change his mind. I won't try, more for my sake than anything else. I've always been selfish.
Is that, I wonder, why he never loved me back? No, I decide, throwing that useless thought away. That guy was selfish too, even now, although I guess he's changed a little. We've all changed. All those times I wished he'd notice me are now replaced with my present wish of things being back how they were. At least then he didn't love anyone, and I still had hope for us.
But... it's strange and frightening to think about how it would be if he loved me back, because I've never experienced that feeling-- someone you loved loving you back. And I want to know how it feels, even if it hurts. I wouldn't care if he went back to that guy; just to be loved! by him! for even a moment, I would be happy.
That's a lie. Of course it is. If you believed that, well, then you must not really know me at all. I just wish he would loosen his grip on my emotions, because it's a real pain to be so easily manipulated. Satoshi manipulates unknowingly with small affectionate gestures, like holding that guy's hand, or brushing a hair off his forehead; things he doesn't know hurt me. I'd hope he'd stop if he knew they did, but the chances of him getting a clue are about the same as me joining up with Roketto Dan.
I can't hate him, either of them. But I can sulk, and I can angst, because I am still me.
And maybe that's the problem here, because it's not me that he loves. Furthermore, I'm not even in the category of people he loves, which is incredibly discouraging. Or maybe he just loves that guy for who he is, regardless of gender. I hope it's the latter, not for any reason other then that really is the best way to love. But I won't change for him. It really is beneath me.
Togepii has fallen asleep in the few moments I've allowed myself to brood freely. I scoop the tamago monster into my arms and walk slowly back to the house, feeling heavy.
I wonder if it's true what they say, that there is that one special person out there, because... surely for me that person must be Satoshi. And if that's true, who, then, decides whether you're that person's one person, or if instead you're to live for them from a distance? How unfair to have so much power. No one should have to be unhappy in love, but I guess that's why I'm a romantic-- though my faith is admittedly wavering.
And there I go thinking like that again. Satoshi's really screwed me up, you know? At least he bought me a new bike, which gets me back to thinking about my reason to leave Hanada all those years ago. Maybe I do remember. Yes... I wanted to find something new.
And I did.
But I can't hate them. Even Shigeru. I really don't hate them at all.
O-WA-RI