Hi! This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction, so be kind :) After the 100th episode, I couldn't get the Brittana scenes out of my head (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) so I decided to try and write something about it. I wanted to post this sooner because now we all know how it ended but I couldn't finish it on time. Anyway, hope you like it and if you want to leave reviews, I'd appreciate it. You can also find me on 8tracks (I'll be doing fanmixes that goes with the stories I write) and tumblr, if you wanna ask me something. All links are in my profile.
Also, just wanted to say that english is not my first language and this is unbetaed, so any mistakes are all mine.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Glee. If I did, Santana would have more scenes and solos.
I believe we'll be okay
"If you want me, I'm here..."
She left a while ago but I can't seem to be moving, not anytime soon anyway. Her words keep running through my mind and I don't honestly know what to do. Should I go after her? Or should I stay here?
She laid all her feelings on the table and practically told to me to decide whether I want to be with her or not. But I'm thinking maybe it's too late now, I have a girlfriend for god's sake. If she'd asked me a couple months ago, I would have said yes in heartbeat but I can't do this to Dani. She's amazing, I care about her, she cares about. I can't do this, not to her and certainly not to me. I mean, what's gonna happen when Brittany goes back to MIT? Like I said to her, I worked my ass off for months to move on and I can't stand the thought of getting back with her, or at least trying, and then be left alone. I refuse to go through that again.
I feel the couch sink beside me and a hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my thoughts. I look up and see Quinn looking at me with a raised eyebrow.
"What happened?" she asks, concern written all over her face.
"Nothing, just thinking about glee club, that's all. Why?" I try to play it cool but it seems like she sees right through me.
"Don't lie to me, Santana. I know you and by the way you're scowling, something is seriously bothering you, so...spill it." She's not amused. I guess I forgot she knows me pretty well. I mean, we had our moments but the girl is practically one of my best friends, aside from Brittany, obviously.
Suddenly I find that looking at the floor is way more interesting than looking her in the eyes. It's not that I'm ashamed to tell her what happened. It's just that even after all these years I'm still not one hundred percent comfortable with sharing my feelings. I see, from the corner of my eye, that she wants me to say something but she doesn't force me. She waits and I'm grateful for that. It's now or never, I say to myself. So I break the silence.
"She kissed me." I mumbled under my breath.
"Sorry, I couldn't quite catch that. What did you say?" She asks confused. Of course she wouldn't have heard me, I barely heard myself.
"Sh-She k-kissed me." I stutter out.
She watches me for a second and I can tell she's about to ask 'who' but then it hits her. She knows who I'm talking about. I lift my eyes and see her smiling at me as if she knew something like this would happen sooner or later or as if she was waiting for it to happen.
"Finally! It was damn time for you two to figure things out and go back to being togeth-" she looks up and my face falls so she cuts herself off. She raises one eyebrow before continuing, damn she's giving me the 'Fabray look' and I don't like it. "Damn Santana, why do you look so concerned about the fact that Brittany kissed you!?" she's almost yelling.
I open my mouth but before I can get a word out, she cuts me off. "Don't even think about saying you have a girlfriend because I know you and that would be a lame ass excuse because you love Brittany"
"Why do you even care? It's not your damn busin-" I can't even finish that sentence because again, she cuts me off and I start to get angry because damn Fabray, just let me talk!
"I care because you're my friend, Santana! Even though we had our fights, you and I both know we can count on each other. And it's my business when I can see that you're not happy in NY and Brittany is not happy at MIT. And you know why that is? I think you know, but I'm going to tell you anyway to try and knock some sense into you. It's because you're not together" she moves closer and places a hand on my shoulder and that's all it takes for me to breakdown. A sob escapes me and I can't control it. She doesn't say anything else, she just starts rubbing my back so I can calm down.
When I'm calm enough, I look at her and she gives me a look that says she's concerned. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand and clear my throat, "You think I don't know that?" I sound so small now that I almost hate myself for it. I take a deep breath, I need to get this out of my chest. "Yes, I love her. More than anything, Q. But I can't hurt her, not again" My voice is trembling and I swallow hard to continue, "Before we broke up she told me I left her behind and it hurt. And I don't want to be the reason why she's hurting, what's going to happen when she goes back to MIT and I go back to NY? We once tried the long distance thing and it didn't work" I'm full on crying right now but Quinn says nothing because she knows I didn't finish yet.
I need to tell her because maybe it'll help me clear my thoughts, I know I count on Quinn and even though I won't ever admit it, right now I need someone's advice. I can't do this all on my own. "I think I won't survive if we rekindle our relationship and then don't get pass this week. It doesn't have to do with the fact that things are the same, because I know it's Brittany and me, and even if things are totally different, even if we are totally different people than we were before, I know we could go back and pretend like last year didn't happen because we'd be happy just being with each other and nothing else would matter." I'm breathing heavily by now and I close my eyes to try and compose myself. After a while, I open them and look Quinn in the eye, "I just want her to be happy and she's not going to if we get back together. I don't want to have a relationship with her where we only see each other through skype. I want to be able to walk her to her job or whatever, to hold her hand anytime I want, to kiss her goodnight and see her face when I wake up in the morning. I want it all Q, and if I can't have all that, I don't want anything. Simple as that" I look at the floor, embarrassed by what I just said. I kinda blurt it out, always thought about it but that was actually the first time I said it out loud and it feels good.
I hear her chuckle and when I look up, I see her practically beaming at me for what I just admitted. "And what makes you think Brittany doesn't want the same things? Did she ever gave you any indication to think that? I think you're just afraid for what happened in the past, but you guys have grown so much and I'm sure you can figure things out" She smiles, letting me know everything's going to work out, or at least that's what I want to believe. "You need to tell her, S. Just like you told me" She stands up from the couch and waits for me to watch her. She's smirking at me. "Grow a pair, Lopez", and with that, she's gone.
I drift into space for a moment, just basking in everything Quinn just told me. She's right, I need to talk to Brittany and see where she stands, were we stand. I'm determined, it's now or never. I need to find her.
I head straight to the auditorium because that was where the glee kids were earlier so I'm hoping to find Brittany there.
As I enter, I notice them talking with one another in small groups. I scan the room and spot her in the corner, with Sam. She's laughing at something he said, probably one of his stupid jokes or impressions, and I can feel my anger boiling inside of me.
I make my way over to her while trying to calm down, I don't want to snap at Sam, even though I don't want him near her. She's not mine to claim, I lost that right a year ago. Anyway, it seems I can't help but glare at him because when our eyes met, he looks kinda scared. I guess Brittany was concerned or something because she follows his line of vision and sees me approaching them.
As I stand there, between the two of them, I clear my throat to try and erase the awkwardness of the situation. "Can we talk?" I ask hopeful as I look her in the eyes.
"Are we going to have a real conversation or will you continue with your excuses?" her tone is firm, her eyes never leaving mine.
I look at her to let her know that I don't want to do this here, especially with Sam in front of us. I'm pleading with my eyes and she seems to understand because she says goodbye to him and starts to head to the emergency exit. I can't help but stare at her and the way she walks. She turns around to see if I'm following her and that's when my brain reacts and I start to walk after her but not before glaring at Sam for the last time. Lopez' style.
Once we made it outside, I keep following her till we reach the bleachers. Nobody is out here so it's just the two of us.
I'm so caught up in my own thoughts that I don't realize Brittany stopped walking and I bump into her. I mumble a sorry and start cursing under my breath. Why am I so nervous?
We stand there for a minute and there's an uncomfortable silence I never felt before, not with her anyway. She clears her throat and crosses her arms over her chest, she's losing her patience and I know it. I want to look away but I can't because her eyes are boring into mine. I open my mouth a couple of times but I'm unable to form words, so I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
She furrows her brows, "Are you going to say anything anytime soon or can I go back inside?" She's mad, I can tell and the only thing I can seem to do at the moment, is look at my shoes. I'm such a coward.
Taking a step forward, she lifts my chin and looks me directly in the eye, "just say it already", she closes her eyes in defeat. "If you don't wanna be with me, just tell me so we can cut this and go back to our miserable li-" I don't let her finish. Instead, I close the distance between us and connect our lips. I feel her smile into the kiss and when she surges forward to depend it, I instantly back away. I watch her face fall and try to compose myself, we're both breathing heavily.
She opens her mouth but I don't even let her say a word, "I want you…" her smile grows and I can't help but give her a small one in return. "but I ca- we can't", I watch as her smile disappears and her eyes fills with tears. "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you. More than I already did" I whisper the last part as I extend my hand to wipe the tears that are rolling down her face.
Her hand cups my wrist and she leans into the touch, she closes her eyes once again before speaking. "I love you, Santana. You can't hurt me. You don't see it, do you?" She tightens her grip, "I'm hurting without you, I need you" she's looking at my lips now and I can't help but swallow hard.
"Before we broke up you said I left you behind and I don't want to do that again, I don't want to see you sad, much less be the reason why you're sad. That's why we can't be together", my eyes fill up with tears and I start shaking. I'm having a hard time breathing but I need to tell her everything I told Quinn, it's only fair "truth is, you're are the best thing that's ever been mine, Britt and I love you so, so much", my breath hitches in my throat and I try to suppress a sob, "and I want you, B. I want everything with you, I really do" she's looking intently at me and a faint smile appears on her face but I know she's waiting for a 'but' because she knows there is one, "but as much as I want to, I can't get back together with you and then have us separated when you need to come back to MIT and I to NY. I won't stand it. So I'm setting you free so you can live your life and be happy because…" my breathing increases even more and I can't contain my tears anymore, so I let myself breakdown in front of her. "…you, mo-more than an-anyone deserves to be happy" I tell her between sobs.
Looking at her, I realize she's crying too. I feel guilty for making her cry but halfway through my apology, she cuts me off by crashing our lips together. This kiss lasts longer than the one we shared a few minutes ago and it's more intense, both trying to convey our feelings into it.
We pull apart when the need for air is necessary. She smiles at me and wipes my tears with her thumb. I lean into her touch, loving the feeling of her skin against mine.
She's smiling so big that I can't stop looking at her lips, but then they start to move and I shake my head to focus on what she's saying but with not such luck. When my eyes find the piercing blue ones in front of me, I realize she's looking intently at me, like she just asked me a question and is waiting for my response. Question I clearly didn't hear because I was too caught up lusting over her lips. I feel my cheeks burning red; she takes that as a hint and starts to repeat what she was saying.
"Tell me you don't miss this and I swear I'll accept that you have a girlfriend or whatever excuse you'll use to not want to get back together", her voice is so soft that if I wasn't this close to her, I wouldn't have heard her.
I open my mouth to say something but she cuts me off. "...but you and I both know that you want this as much as I do", she's breathing heavily and it's now that I realize I've been holding my breath.
I don't even try to deny what she's saying. It's useless, she knows me so well. "I can't do long distance. We tried that once and it didn't end well. What's gonna happen when…?", the question lingers in the air, I don't even have to finish it because she knows what I mean.
"I'm not going back to MIT", she says as she takes both my hands in hers.
"I-I…" I stutter.
"Just say it, say that you want me with you and I'll take the next flight to NY", her voice still soft, trying to convey her feelings.
I take a deep breath, "Britt, I can't ask you to leave MIT after all the hard work you did", I look at our hands and give it a gentle squeeze.
She chuckles, god I really missed that sound. "You don't understand", a smile tugs at her lips. "I'm not asking you to tell me I should leave MIT…" she pauses, "…I'm not going back, it's settled". Her eyes travel from mine to my lips and to my eyes again, "I'm just asking for you to say that you want to be with me so I can go pick up my stuff and meet you in NY so we can rent an apartment because there's no way in hell I'm sharing the loft with Rachel, Kurt, Blaine and Sam. I love them, but I want alone time with you. That's all. So…what do you say?" she looks so smug right now and I can't help but smile at her.
I take my time to answer her even though I know what I'm going to say. I'm just taking in everything she just told me. She wants alone time with me and I'm not even thinking about sex, I mean she wants to give up everything to be with me and it's overwhelming. As cheesy as it may sound, I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel like my face is going to rip into two because of how much I'm smiling. God, I love this woman!
"Yes" I whisper. I don't know why because there nobody else in here.
"Did I hear correctly?" the smug look on her face is long forgotten, she's whispering along with me. "Santana, I need you to say it again and a little bit louder this time so I know this is real", her blue eyes are now filled with tears but I can tell they're happy ones.
"YES!" I yell and I'm instantly being lifted off of the ground by Brittany, as she starts to spin me in circles. A giggle escapes me and is soon followed by her laugh.
When she puts me down again, I see a tear rolling down her face so I wipe it with my thumb and place soft kisses trailing the path the tear had been trailing just a moment before. I smile at her and she smiles back at me even wider.
"So…yes, huh?" she smirks at me and I nod, reaffirming what I said. "Then, that's it. I'm not letting you walk away from me again, San".
"Wouldn't dream of it" I can't believe this is actually happening. I got her back, I don't need anything else. I'm so happy right now; I think I've never smiled so much in my life. My face is actually hurting but I don't even care. "I love you and I missed you so much" I say in between kisses.
"Me too, sweetie. Me too". She pulls me even closer by the waist and depends the kiss.
Right now, I feel like she's everything I need and I know we can keep working on this. We both want it and we've grown so much that I think everything is possible.
No more heartache for either one of us, no more sad tears, no more loneliness. A year ago I made the worst mistake by breaking up with her, but I learned my lesson. She's the love of my life and I plan on showing it to her every day from now on and as long as she lets me because I believe we'll be okay.