I See You Through Those Bloodshot Eyes

This wasn't her bed. That was the only thing she knew as she pried her eyes open. It was `dark but she knew what her bed felt like and this wasn't it. She shook her head and immediately regretted it when the room started to spin. So, she was drunk. Very, very drunk. Okay then. She knew at least two things.

"April?"

She jumped even though she immediately recognized the voice next to her as Jackson's. Her head fell back to the pillow. She was in Jackson's bed. Of course she was. Apparently, that was the kind of thing she did now.

"Are you okay?"

Was she? She didn't know. "I—" she stopped as the recollection of the previous day's events hit her like a freight train. "I failed my boards," she sighed.

"Yeah." She felt herself falling into him as he reached an arm under her shoulders and pulled her close. "You did. But you'll be okay. We'll figure it out."

"Uh-huh." She remembered walking back out of the hospital into the ambulance bay and seeing everyone else celebrating. Joe's. They had taken her to Joe's with them and poured drinks down her throat until she had forgotten everything bad that had happened. She closed her eyes and drummed her fingers against his chest. He was wearing a t-shirt tonight. She had lived with him long enough to know that he never wore t-shirts to bed and for a split second, she was sorry he had felt that need to cover up around her. She supposed that was her fault though. April took a moment to make sure she was also fully clothed, which she was. Of course she was. Jackson would never have taken advantage of her like that.

April wasn't so sure she trusted herself as much as she trusted him. She turned her head into his chest as his hand kept playing with her hair. She liked the way he started at the crown of her head, running his hand through her hair, over her shoulder and down her arm before starting back at the top of her head. She flexed her legs and was surprised by the dull ache in her thighs. She blushed, remembering why they ached. The tightness in her muscles only sparked a new familiar feeling low in her stomach. She licked her suddenly dry lips and looked up at him through the dark. "Did we…?"

His hand stilled at the back of her neck before dropping to the mattress. She instantly missed the contact. "No," he promised. "You fell asleep in the car. I brought you in here so I could keep an eye on you."

"Okay." Her fingers stopped their tapping and splayed out over his stomach, curling under the well-worn fabric. Her body seemed to move on its own as her legs tangled with his. A beat later she felt his hand on her back, burning into her skin.

"We could," she breathed, leaning up to kiss him. The hand on her back pressed harder into her and he caught her lower lip with his teeth.

"Are you sure?" She nodded mutely but Jackson still pulled away. "No, April." He rolled them, hovered over her and stared into her eyes. "I need to hear you say it. I don't want another morning after where you cry and blame me."

She cringed and remembered their earlier fight. April reached up to palm the side of his face, her thumb running over his lower lip. "I'm sure," she said clearly, curving her hand around his neck to bring his mouth back to hers. He hesitated but she felt his mouth open under hers. She arched up into him when his tongue slipped past her lips and brought him with her as she fell back against the pillows.

April couldn't believe how quick her body was to respond to his. It had been barely more than twenty-four hours since she had pulled him into her hotel room and here she could barely wait for him to slip her shirt off. She always thought she would be shyer about sex but her own hands were quick to push his pajama pants down. It was possible that the quarts of alcohol coursing through her veins made her feel braver.

She hummed with contentment when Jackson finally pushed into her. April closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the feeling of his body against hers. Her fingers traced invisible shapes into his back. He shifted against her, moving one of her legs to steeple next to him. They were both surprised as she winced.

"April?"

She felt her cheeks flood with embarrassment. "I'm still a little sore," she explained lamely.

"Oh." Jackson's brow furrowed. "Oh." He dropped her leg, feeling like a complete idiot. He should have known she would still be feeling their bathroom encounter. "I'm sorry, I didn't think." He went to move off of her but she clutched at his arms.

"Don't you dare stop," she demanded, leaning up to kiss him. "Please don't stop." She raised her hips to meet his and was rewarded when he sank back down into her.

Jackson wondered if he should stop. Not because he didn't think he could do this without hurting her, but because she was still drunk. And because she had accused him just that morning of taking something from her.

She sensed his hesitation and ran a hand over his face, forcing his eyes open. She made sure he was looking at her before she smiled at him. "It's okay," she promised. "This is good."

It did feel good. He still couldn't wrap his head around just how good this felt with her. With April, of all people. He just nodded and bent his head to her shoulder. He was careful in his movements; slow and controlled.

April moved with him; surprised again at just how well their bodies fit together. They were so in sync with each other that she couldn't even really tell where she ended and he began. It wasn't long before she felt herself begin to come undone.

It was only later, when the sun started to peek through the windows and the alcohol started to rebel in her stomach that April began to panic.

How had she let this happen again? It would have been easy enough to blame the liquor but she wasn't sure she could. She couldn't blame Jackson. She wouldn't blame him but she couldn't; he had asked her if she was sure more than once. No, this was all her fault. She was the one who couldn't control herself.

She needed to get back to her own bedroom but her head throbbed every time she thought about moving. She made it as far as the door before Jackson woke up.

"April?"

She winced. "Go back to sleep."

"Where are you going?" he squinted at her. "It's early still."

"My room," she said. "I just…I need to go."

He sighed. "Just come back to bed. You can freak out in a few hours if you want, but it's too early for this."

"I can't. I'm sorry." She hated the look he was giving her. She edged her way out to the hallway. "We can't do this again," she said sadly, shutting the door.

April wasn't surprised when he didn't follow her but it didn't sting any less.

He didn't come for until two hours later, barging into the bathroom where she was laying on the floor, propped up against the cupboard. She looked miserable.

"Jackson, no." She sounded as miserable as she looked. "Please just go." She raised a hand to shoo him back out of the room but it fell limply to her side.

He sighed and handed her the bottle of water he brought for her. "Drink this."

"No." She shook her head and then pressed her hands to either side as another wave of nausea swept over her. "Get out. You don't need to see this."

"I'm a doctor," he reminded her. "I've seen worse."

She opened her mouth to say something but instead leaned forward and emptied her stomach into the toilet again.

Well, this was great. Now Jackson had seen her in just about every undesirable way possible. Her head throbbed and she wasn't sure if the tears pooling in her eyes were due to the vomiting or the mortification over Jackson just standing there watching her. April took a shaky breath and rocked back on her heels, refusing to look up at him. "What did I drink last night?"

Jackson took a minute to think about it. "Tequila," he remembered. "Yang and Meredith kept putting shots of tequila in front of you and you kept taking them."

Her stomach churned at just the mention of tequila. "I don't drink tequila." Her voice was one step above whining and Jackson would have found it adorable if he hadn't been so pissed at her.

"Yeah, you mentioned that every single time another round showed up at the table. But it didn't seem to slow you down." He pressed some aspirin into her hand and set the water down next to her. "You'll feel better," he insisted.

She grudgingly swallowed down the pills and after deciding that the water could stay down, leaned her head back against the wall. "Thanks."

"You know this is crap, right?" It wasn't the best time to do this but he couldn't wait any longer. "You can't just decide again that I've taken advantage of you or made you do something wrong. You don't get to make me feel bad for what we did, April."

His words were like a jackhammer into her brain. "I don't want you to feel bad," she said weakly.

"No? Then maybe don't try sneaking out of the bedroom next time."

"There isn't going to be a next time!" She winced and lowered her voice. "You might not feel bad about it but that doesn't mean I don't. I do, Jackson. I don't like that I do, but I do and I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep breaking my promise to Je—"

"Do not bring Jesus into this! This is about us, April. You and me."

"Jesus comes with me, Jackson. I can't change that. And there is no us!" Her eyes filled with tears again and she just looked at him. "I already told you, I hate that I'm not going to be a virgin for my husband. I still can't even believe that I just threw that away. But I did. And there's nothing I can do to change that. But just because we did it, it doesn't mean I'm just going to keep sleeping with you. I won't."

Jackson just stared at her for a long time. "Okay then." He turned and walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door harder than necessary for her headache.

This time when April threw up she couldn't blame the tequila.

April bolted up at the sound of someone turning the door knob to her on-call room. "I'm in here," she called out, wishing she had remembered to lock it when she had claimed it.

Jackson poked his head in. "It's just me."

"Is there news?"

"No," he said with a shake of his head. He turned the lock and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I just wanted to check on you. Alex is with Torres and the Chief and Webber are dealing with the press and I…I didn't know where else to go."

April noticed the dark circles under his eyes and was sure they mirrored her own. She patted the mattress next to her. He hesitated but finally stretched out next to her. She rested her head on his shoulder and squeezed his hand.

It had been six hours since they had learned of the missing plane. God only knew how long it had actually been missing by then. They had all left the restaurant and came back to the hospital because really, where else would they have gone? However, there was nothing else to do but wait for news and the waiting was driving everyone insane.

"I've called Lexie's phone like, two hundred times," April admitted. Her eyes filled with tears again and she didn't bother to stop them from falling. "It's stupid, I know. If their phones were working, they'd use them if they could. But I can't stop calling her."

"I've tried Mark's phone too," Jackson said. "I don't know what else to do."

"Jackson, they've got to be okay," she said desperately. "We can't lose anyone else."

"They'll find them." He wished her sounded more sure of that than he did. Before he could stop himself, he pressed his lips to the side of her head. He just wanted to comfort her; she looked like she was two seconds from breaking down.

April froze as she felt the kiss on her temple. Up until earlier that evening, she and Jackson had barely been civil to each other. She had taken Callie's words to heart; and then after finding out she no longer had a job, April had wanted nothing more than to enjoy Chief Webber's dinner. And to do that, she had needed a friendly face in Jackson. Still, she was uneasy being in such close proximity with him now.

She could still smell his cologne and found herself wondering if she was just remembering it or if the scent was permanently etched into his skin. His hand was warm against his and she found herself rubbing her thumb against his knuckles.

April jumped up from the bed. She needed the space between them. "Zola! I should go check on Zola. And Sophia. They're probably scar—"

Jackson stopped her before she reached the door. "They're asleep," he told her. "Callie and Alex are down in the daycare with them."

"Oh." She turned toward the door again. "Food. Maybe we should get food for everyone, it's been hours already and we don't know how long we're going to be here—" She stopped talking when he put his hands on her shoulders and turned her away from the door.

"Let's wait on the food," he suggested. "I don't know about you, but I can't even think of eating right now."

He was right. She wasn't hungry. He still had her by the shoulders and she raised her hands to grip his elbows. "I don't know what to do," she whispered. "This is bad. This is so, so bad Jackson, and I can't.. I can't…" Her head bowed forward as her tears fell harder and she struggled to catch her breath.

"Hey, hey, hey. Come on." Jackson's voice was low and steady as he pulled her into his chest. He had no idea what else to do; she was completely falling apart in front of him and he was barely keeping it together himself. "Everyone's going to be okay." His voice betrayed his confidence but he didn't know what else to say. It didn't matter, April was crying so hard by that point that she probably hadn't even heard him. "Everything is going to be okay," he repeated because there wasn't anything else to say. She just nodded and looked up at him.

"Everything's going to be okay," she parroted. Tears were still streaming from her eyes and Jackson thumbed them away without thinking. Neither was sure who moved first, but the next thing either of them was aware of was that they were kissing.

"Oh God." She pushed away from him and pressed a hand to her mouth. What was wrong with her? This was not what she should be doing while her friends were missing. "Jackson, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he said. "Don't worry about it." He gestured toward the door. "Maybe I should go check on everyone else and see if there are any updates." April grabbed his arm before he could leave.

"Jackson." She refused to look at him, keeping her eyes downcast. "Don't go." He let her pull him back to her and lace her fingers with his. She finally let her eyes meet his. "I don't know what else to do. I know we said we wouldn't and I know it's not the time or the place, but I need to not think about why we're here. I need to forget for just a little bit. Please."

He was torn as he watched her twist her hands nervously. He knew that he should just leave. She didn't know what she was saying right now and just once, he would like to have sex with her where no tears were involved. Still, he got what she was saying. Truth be told, he could use the distraction just as much as she could.

Jackson nodded mutely and stepped closer, sliding an arm around her waist. Her mouth found his quickly and he was surprised at the intensity with which she kissed him. She pressed her hands to either side of his face and pushed him down onto the bed before climbing into his lap. Her skirt rose up on her knees and his hands skimmed her thighs.

She pulled her head back abruptly but didn't drop her hands from his face. "Is this wrong?" she asked, her eyes searching his.

It probably was. Jackson didn't have an answer for her. He didn't have answers for anything that was going on. "Do you care?"

"No." Her fingers were already undoing the buttons of his shirt. She pushed it down his shoulders and kissed him again.

April was sure this was the worst possible use of their time, given the current situation but she really didn't care. Half of her co-workers and some of her best friends were missing. They had already survived a crazed gunman, she had no idea how they could possibly get through this too. But being here, right here with Jackson, that made sense to her. And she desperately needed something to make sense.

They were too impatient to bother with the rest of their clothing. It was enough to undo zippers and push fabric aside. April shuddered as she slid over Jackson and pressed her forehead to his. She shifted her hips experimentally and was pleased with the results. In the handful of times they had done this, they hadn't actually been in this exact position. Her movements were slow and unsure at first but she learned quickly that Jackson liked it if she rolled her hips a certain way.

Jackson, for his part, was content to let April take the lead. There were plenty of ways he could keep busy while she rose and fell above him. He pushed her dress straps down and bent his head to lick the tops of her breasts before kissing his way back up her neck. She tugged his chin up, fusing her mouth to his.

She gripped Jackson's shoulders as she settled into a steady pace in Jackson's lap. Skin melded against skin as her nails bit into his skin. She needed to feel as much of him as she could.

His fingers dug into her hips, trying to slow their pace but April was relentless, desperately trying to find her release. One look into her eyes and he knew that she was trying to fix things the same way he knew they couldn't. Leaning forward, Jackson kissed her hard on the mouth and then with his hands still on her hips, he gently pushed her back so that she was resting her weight on her hands. Her head fell back as he gripped her waist again, pulling her straight down onto him. He was able to take charge from this angle, to thrust up into her the way they both needed him to. It was only a matter of minutes before they both found the release they needed.

The on-call room was quiet as they put themselves back together. April's hands were shaking as she tried to smooth out her skirt and she refused to look at Jackson.

He sighed and reached out, running one hand through the tangles he had just put in her hair. "It's okay," he said finally. "We're okay." They weren't, but they were already waiting for news of their friends and the last thing he wanted to deal with was another one of her freak-outs.

"Right." She pulled away and stood up, heading toward the door again. "I'm going to go check and see if anyone else has heard anything." She left the on-call room without looking back at him.

"Everything's fucking okay," he muttered sarcastically as the door slammed shut.

April rapped her knuckles against the side of the hospital room door. "Are you up for some company?"

Lexie looked up from her magazine. "God yes! Get in here." She nodded at the vase in April's hands. "Didn't you bring me flowers yesterday?"

"Oh these aren't from me." She put the arrangement down before settling into the chair next to the bed. "Technically, I'm supposed to tell you that they're from me, but they aren't. They're from Dr. Sloan."

"Mark?" Lexie's eyes lit up. "How is he? They won't let me into ICU and all Meredith keeps saying is he's fine."

"He is fine," April agreed. "I went up there to say goodbye this morning and he was awake and alert enough to make really inappropriate comments to me, so I'd say he's almost well enough to get out of there. He asked about you, and I told him that you were going home tomorrow, and he insisted on me bringing you these." She nodded to the flowers.

"Wait, goodbye?" Lexie frowned. "So you're really leaving?"

April nodded. "As of fifteen minutes ago, my last shift here ended." She forced a smile onto her face. "And you're getting out of here so there's no reason for me to hang around any longer. It's time for me to go."

"There has to be something-"

"There isn't," she interrupted her. "And it's okay. I'm okay with going back to Ohio. I'll figure out my next move there. In the meantime, I've kept myself busy. I filled the freezer at Meredith's house with enough food to last you all at least three months. I even cleaned your room and made sure it was ready for you to come back to." She shrugged. "There's nothing else for me to do here."

"And Jackson?" Once the doctors had been brought back to Seattle Grace Mercy West after the crash, April had spent a good deal of her time at Lexie's bedside, since Meredith had been at Derek's. As a distraction from worrying about everyone else, she had spent most of the time telling Lexie everything that had happened between her and Jackson.

April studied the nails on her left hand. "You and Sloan are the last of the doctors not back to work. Once you are, I'm sure he'll be going to Tulane. I don't really know."

"He turned Tulane down."

April's head shot up. "What?"

Lexie nodded. "Last week. He told me that he was staying here. You didn't know?"

"Yeah." She pointed to her own face. "Because this is the expression of someone who knows." She shook her head. "He didn't tell me. But then again, we really haven't talked." That was the understatement of the year. For the last two months she had actively avoided being anywhere near Jackson because every time they were within fifteen feet of each other, they ended up locked in an on-call room.

"Well does he know you're leaving?"

"The goodbye cupcakes in the lounge probably tipped him off." She took a deep breath and slapped her hands against her legs. "Enough about me. How are you feeling?" She grabbed the medical chart from the end of the bed and they started going over it together.

That Lexie was alive, let alone actually talking to her and being released from the hospital was nothing short of a miracle. The piece of plane that had pinned her to the ground should have crushed her; it very nearly did, and it would have killed her if she hadn't landed in a hollowed out piece of ground. Still, her internal injuries had been severe and almost two months later, April still shuddered to think about the four days they had been lost in the woods. She couldn't imagine how Lexie or any of them coped with it all.

After about an hour, April pushed her chair back. "I should go."

"I think you should stay. I know you don't want to go back to the apartment, but you've still got a room at Mere's. She won't kick you out anytime soon."

She picked it at the edge of the blanket. "And what would I do, Lex? Clean and cook all day long?"

"What are you going to do in Ohio?"

"At least there, I won't be constantly reminded of everything I've failed at," April pointed out. "It'll be good to start over I think."

Lexie studied her carefully. "I almost believe you." She sighed and held out her arms. "Okay fine. Do what you need to do. But give me a hug goodbye and promise you won't forget me or group me into the things about Seattle that make you sad."

April laughed as she hugged her friend. "I will drive you crazy with phone calls and texts," she promised. "Take it easy the next couple of days." Her eyes twinkled. "No playing doctor and nurse with Sloan."

"He'd be such a pretty nurse though." Both girls were laughing as April turned to leave and promptly ran face first into Jackson's chest.

"Oops," Lexie snickered from her bed. April just stepped around Jackson, muttering that she was sorry and darted into the hallway. She just needed to make it to the elevator before Lexie opened her mouth.

No such luck. "April." Jackson's voice was sharp as he stuck a foot between the closing elevator doors. "You're leaving?"

"You're staying?" she shot back as he stepped into the otherwise empty elevator.

"Yeah, I'm staying. I didn't want to leave when everything was so-" he ran a hand over his head. "I'm staying."

"Great. That's great for you that you still have a job to stay for. I don't. So I'm leaving."

"That's not why I'm-" He stopped and looked at her. "When do you leave?"

She looked down at her shoes. "Tonight. My um, my flight leaves at nine."

"Tonight." He punched the emergency stop button on the wall panel and the elevator came to an abrupt halt. "So what? Were you even going to tell me?"

The toes of her heels needed a good polishing. "No," she whispered. She refused to look at him and he wouldn't stop looking at her. Finally he jabbed at the button again and sent them down to the first floor.

"It was easier to just go," she said just as the doors opened. "Because I didn't know what would have happened if I told you." Oh she knew all right. He didn't say anything so she just stepped out of the elevator. "So okay then." She tried to smile at him. "Bye."

"April, wait." He caught her elbow just before she walked out of the hospital. "I've got one last thing to finish up here before I can leave, but will you wait for me at Joe's? We can have a drink and I'll drive you to the airport. You shouldn't have to take a cab. Someone should see you off."

"I don't know-"

"Just one drink. Please."

She felt herself nodding. "Okay. I'll see you at Joe's." She finally locked her eyes on his and they held each other's gaze for a moment.

"I won't be long," he promised. And then he was running back toward the elevator and she was left to look around the hospital one last time before walking out the front doors.

April did go to Joes. She did. She sat at their usual table and she waited, tapping her nails against the drink she had ordered that wasn't calming her nerves. She had no idea why she was there. She wouldn't kid herself into thinking that he was going to ask her to stay. Why would he? There were plenty of other women in Seattle that could keep his bed warm. She had seen the way one of the new interns looked at him, there was no way he was going to need her anymore. The plan had been that they would both leaving town. All strings would have been cut and she could finally stop feeling guilty. April was so tired of feeling guilty.

She had a plan. Finally, after two months of sleepless nights, she actually had a plan. A good one, and she couldn't deviate from it.

So, April had gone to Joe's. She really had. But then Jackson had sent her a text saying that he was on his way and she knew she couldn't stay. She paid for her drink and one for Jackson; leaving it, along with a hastily written note on a napkin for Joe to give him when he got there. She was a coward and she knew it, but she had a plan and she wanted to go back to being the girl who stuck with her plans.

Jackson would understand, she decided as she left the bar. Probably not right away but with time, he would understand. She hoped he would understand.

She hoped she would understand.