Defect

I am afraid. There is something wrong inside me and I'm more scared than there are words to express. I can't understand. Nothing is his fault; I am destroying myself from the inside and out but I am strong. I am healthy. My heart is beating far too fast but it won't show me mercy, it won't burst and let me sleep. I'm afraid to sleep forever. There might still be a chance. I let myself be broken and I was given a chance to make it right but I was blinded by my sight and now there is only pain. I do not deserve a second chance to be healed.

I have always been imperfect, lacking. There was something everyone around me could do that I could not, an innate ability I was incapable of possessing. Revenge was my attempt to recreate the feeling I had lost but now I see there is no equal for that power. Power. All I did was in the name of death. Murder. I am a reflection of that which I lived to destroy. I am the snake consuming my very own tail, fated to destroy myself forever. Snakes. Black, lank on white sheets. White. White skin on white skin, in white skin, through white skin, everywhere.

Yellow. Cold yellow.

And I could escape to you, the green, so soft. I could leave and come to your door and tell you I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you like I did and you would open your arms and let me collapse, let me come back to you, let me heal this gaping wound, let me cry the pain of so many years. But I've forgotten how to cry. Another flaw, another way I've broken. And how could I let you take me back, how could I be that selfish? After I've already done so much. The mutt that bites the hand that feeds it is shot.

I.

I am less than a mutt. My missing part…I lack the love I need so desperately, I can't love right.

Love.

I want to, so much, I want to love you. I thought, before time turned my face the other way, that loving was open to all humans but I know now it's a gift, one I am no longer worthy of, one, among so many others, you received so strongly.

You.

I'm afraid. I couldn't tell you how much, more than anything. I'm petrified that if I force my heart, I'll hurt you. Again. Forever. It's a pattern, the wake of blood behind me, my love brings only pain. And I can't hurt you again. I'm so damn tired of hurting you. It's my fault, everything, it's my fault, the whole effing mess you're in. I'm in. Love. Because I'm not okay. I'm twisted inside, I'm empty. I forgot and now I can only bleed, no tears. I forgot how to love and now I can only wait. I'm too afraid to go to the doctor. I don't need a diagnosis. I'm defective.