"Daryl?"
He doesn't hear her the first time and she has to repeat his name once more. It takes everything that's left in her. Every last bit of energy. But she uses that energy wisely.
"Daryl?"
"Yeah, darling?"
But then there's just silence. She doesn't come back to him. He stops his motorcycle in the middle of the road and turns to her. Her skin is gray and sunken and she shows no signs of life. Her arms are limp around his pelvis. She doesn't respond to his voice, his slapping hand, his rough treatment. She breathes but she's not alive. She's slipping away. She's dying on the back of his motorcycle.
"Hey! Hey!"
He doesn't mean to be so rough when he shakes her, but he can't really control himself. It can't end like this, after he's combed the whole fucking country for so many days, looking for her. It can't end like this.
Can it?
He doesn't have time to answer his unspoken question. His body runs on sheer adrenaline. He leaves bruises on her skin and fingerprints on her face and in the end she opens her eyes. But it's not her anymore.
Eyes that used to change from blue to green vividly and at random intervals are now white and empty. She's Andrea but not Andrea anymore. The Andrea he used to know is still lost in the woods. And he knows she'll stay lost forever. Knows from experience. He found her, sure. But he only found her body. An empty shell.
Andrea is gone. Still lost. Lost deep within those endless rows of trees.
But her eyes are open and for now it's a small victory.
"Stay here, alright?" he tells her and it's the most un-Daryl thing he's ever said to anyone but desperation starts to sink in and when it takes over he doesn't know himself anymore.
"Carol..." she breathes hard, struggling, "is okay?" she whispers and the minute she does he knows he's gonna have some words with Carol. Carol who left her behind without even trying to help her. Carol who then lied to them all about Andrea's fate. Carol who abandoned her and put a death sentence on her for her own easy convenience.
Oh, he's gonna have some words with Carol, alright.
"She's just fine. They're all alright," he lies to her. "Come on, stay with me, Blondie."
But her eyes close again and she gives up once more and possibly for the last time.
"Tired."
He shakes her again, but this time it's fruitless. "I know ya are, but that's a nasty ass bump you got here." As he says that he runs his fingers through the wound on the back of her head. They come out of her hair with blood. "I ain't fucking around, Andrea. You don't wanna see me pissed. So you stay awake, okay?"
But all the anger in the world, all the threats, are meaningless. Her body goes limp and she starts to slide off the motorcycle before he catches her with a, "shit," picking her up and shifting her so she sits in the front now.
Her body is limp in his arms and all he can think is, 'Hershel' as his bike roars loudly down the road like a deadly premonition. He holds her tight against him knowing he can't let her slip away, can't let her die, can't do this to Amy and Dale. Can't do this to Glenn. Amy is gone, sure, so is Dale. But Glenn is still alive and Glenn still cries for Andrea, for his surrogate sister. His only family left in this world even if it's a makeshift, broken family.
Daryl doesn't think much. He's never been a thinking man. But as he drives her back to safety, he allows himself one thought: he needs to bring this girl back to Glenn. He's lost Merle and she's lost Amy but she still has that stupid Asian boy. Her baby brother who cries for her every night. He has to bring Andrea to Glenn. Has to.
She's out, but she's breathing and that's all he concentrates on as his bike roars loudly and invites everyone to crawl out of hell and chase after them. The walkers aren't even a real threat anymore and he swerves by them easily, wanting to take this anger and frustration out on them but ignoring that yearn and thinking only of her and that stupid Asian boy.
When he finally reaches camp it's a whirlwind of people and words, questions and Glenn's cries and he doesn't hear them or sees them. He carries her straight to Hershel and the old man looks at him like he's looking for answers, directions, what to do. Like he's lost and Daryl is a fucking manual. A medical journal.
He curses loudly and Glenn cries and in the end it's Rick who saves her.
And not too kindly, either.
Rick is too rough when he handles her, muttering obscenities about how he's done burying people and leaving more bruises behind. Andrea's wound seems serious but in the end she proves to be the tough bitch Daryl always knew her to be and the bleeding stops. Hershel stitches her head close and everyone prays but Daryl just waits.
It's kind of a recurring theme, really, one he can't believe they haven't caught on to. Everyone in camp looks at her, even before, and they expect things from her right when they want. They don't know that with Andrea, you just have to wait. With Andrea, you need time. You need to be patient. Andrea always needs time and when someone gives her some time she eventually comes through. Shane saw that. He sees it, too. So he just waits. And she proves him right hours later when her eyes open weakly.
When he brings her water her body goes desperate and she chokes on it. He has to stop her and push her away from it. It kinda breaks his heart to see her there in Glenn's arms, at least 20 pounds lighter than the last time he saw her.
"Ya hungry?" It's the first thing he's said to her since and he can't help it. Every single bone in her body is sticking out sadly. When he looks at them all he can think is: 'Jesus. Fuck.' She looks like a starving, African orphan.
"No," she replies and her pathetic body sinks further into Glenn's arms.
"Come on, Andie, you should eat something. When was the last time you ate?" Glenn asks but she's gone again, slipping and sleeping in his arms.
Glenn looks at Daryl for some kind of reassurance and Daryl doesn't know what to do or say except, "ya got her?"
"Yeah," Glenn replies, holding his big sister protectively. He's unsure, sad, weak, wavering. But he knows Andrea needs him now and he plays strong. She's been strong for him before, after all. "Yeah, I'll stay with her."
Good enough, Daryl thinks. It's been a long fucking two weeks and he's too tired. He nods at the pair and rises to his feet and as he walks away he hears Glenn again.
"Hey Daryl?" Glenn calls out and when he turns around Glenn has Andrea tighter in his arms like he's hanging on to a lifesaver. "Hey, thanks dude."
He just nods and walks away.
That night Daryl makes Carol cry but he feels no remorse when he finally closes his eyes, feeling so tired he falls asleep the minute his body hits the ground. It's been a long fucking two weeks.
When he wakes the next day she still sleeps, her little body curled into Glenn.
And when she wakes it's not just Daryl who realizes she's different. Rick sees it, too. But Rick sees it behind a glass built from guilt and regret. He takes in the new her and blames himself for leaving her behind. Takes that bullet deep within. Too preoccupied by his guilt and his problems with Lori to do something about it. Glenn sees it, too, but is too overwhelmed by this new sense of mourning. Mourning for someone who is still alive, who is there. Skin and bones. But not there, not really. There physically but not there. Gone. Lost.
He sits with her every day and talks to her, touches her, holds her. She very rarely responds the way she used to but Glenn doesn't give up. Daryl wants to slap him sometimes. That kid is so stupid and naive he can't see that Andrea is not Andrea anymore. Glenn clings to her nonetheless like he clings to the old world, like things are just gonna get back to normal in the morning and everything's gonna be okay. Like this is just a video game and he's just waiting to kill the last boss. God, Glenn is a fool.
But Daryl leaves him alone. This is something the kid needs to realize on his own and he'll just deal with whatever damage.
But Glenn is too blinded by mourning and foolish hope. He sits right there by Andrea every day and talks to her. Talks to her about Dale, Amy, Maggie, Lori, and the baby that grows inside Lori. Every once in a while he manages to get a smile out of her. It's not much, but it keeps Glenn sane. Kinda keeps everyone sane, too. They don't know how to act around her, after all. Lori ignores her like she always did. Hershel checks on her wounds every once in a while. Maggie resents her for all the time Glenn spends with her. Carol avoids her out of guilt. It's fucking stupid to see all the women around camp treat her like that. He always thought girls supported each other, chicks before dicks and all that crap. But the women don't even try to reach out to her and it pisses him off.
Only the men do. T-Dog is on a stubborn mission to feed her until she gains the weight back. Glenn hovers over her like a mother hen. Daryl makes sure he knows where she is at all times and Rick tries to pull her back into the group by giving her more responsibilities. Oddly, she responds to Rick the most.
But every day it's obvious that the Andrea they knew will never come back.
When Glenn finally realizes it and asks him about it, however, Daryl allows himself to tell the kid a white lie. He just can't break Glenn's heart like that.
-/
She doesn't sleep much. Like she's scared to close her eyes. He finds her keeping watch one night. She does this now. Keeps watch all night like she doesn't trust sleep. He stands next to her and doesn't say a word.
They're too much alike now, and it kind of unnerves him. Both quiet, swift, stealthy. Loners. When she shifts on her feet he almost doesn't feel it. She's light as a feather now, whereas once upon a time she was loud as thunder. If she gets lost in the woods again, he fears he wouldn't even be able to track her.
"Daryl," she whispers at him and it's needy, nearly desperate. But then she sort of chuckles dryly and he frowns. This isn't Andrea anymore. Something inside of him itches to get back on that motorcycle and ride into the woods again. Find the real Andrea. The old Andrea. Could she still be out there?
She doesn't look at him as she continues. "How did you get out of there?"
He frowns at her, confused. "Where?"
"The woods," she says, and when she finally looks at him there's barely any emotion in her eyes. "When you were lost?"
"Shit," he mutters, remembering their conversation, surprised that he shared that with her to begin with. He scratches the back of his head and flinches. "I don't even remember."
"Yeah you do, I know you do," she says resolutely and he shifts uncomfortably under her gaze. This Andrea sees too much. Knows too much. It makes him nervous. "It's not something you just leave behind."
He doesn't move, doesn't react. Doesn't give her a definitive answer. Just kinda nods absentmindedly and shrugs his shoulders. "Guess not."
He doesn't give anything away, but feels like she takes something away from that, anyway. She looks ahead and the silence that precedes is filled with tension. Not for her. But for him. Finally, "I feel so stupid."
"Why?" The minute he asks he regrets doing so.
"Because you were out there all alone. Sophia, too," she says looking down at her fingers and it's the most vulnerable he's seen her since he found her nearly dead. But not nearly as vulnerable as it should be. "But you were just kids. I don't... I should just get over it."
She's doing this now. Doing what he does. Pulling away. Growing cold and distant. Funny, she started out deeply rooted into this group, this family. And he'd been distant from them. Now they've exchanged roles. Now she's drifting and he's all tangled up in them.
But he realizes, from experience, that she's not cold. She's not gone. She's not dead. Quite the opposite. She's too there and that's the problem. She's so there and so traumatized that the only way she knows how to deal with it is by pulling away from herself. Stay up all night to make sure nothing stumbles over to kill her. Not say anything because she's afraid she'll say too much. Kill herself emotionally because if she doesn't, life will do it for her. He recognizes all the signs, all the nervous ticks. Knows them because he's lived this, too.
Dale would hate this. Would look at him disapprovingly if he doesn't try to pull her back. Really, he only does it for Dale.
Another white lie, anyway.
"Ya were gone for a while," he tells her. Tries but knows he's gonna fail. He's too new at this. "With that herd chasing ya."
This Andrea is so not Andrea that she shakes her head at his words and walks away from him with a quick, "I don't wanna talk about it. I'm sorry."
His eyes follow her as she retrieves. His tent is pitched right between Rick's and Hershel's. Now it's her tent that lies far away from camp.
-/
He's surprised - but not really - when he feels her the next night. She doesn't say anything. Just crawls into his tent and into his arms and settles herself there, still carrying the weight of that exhaustion and days of running. When she falls asleep it's with her nose pressed to the side of his neck, her breath warm against his skin and shielding him from the autumn cold.
It's only after she's asleep that he wraps his arms around her loosely, remembering that 9th day when he finally recognized that familiar path and made it home. He'd only been 8 years old. When he stepped into the house and marched to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich he didn't really think much. Time runs faster when you're a kid. Events don't seem as important. Even if they're traumatic and the scars show up much later, to a child they're insignificant. He got over being lost in the woods as quickly as he finished eating that sandwich.
But now he remembers those nights out there, lost in the woods. Remembers crying every night, cold and hungry. Remembers calling out for his gone mother, wanting nothing but for her to come and find him and hold him tight. Remembers being cold, shivering, attempting, in vain, to make sheets out of dead leaves. Remembers how much it hurt every time he fell or cut himself or had to close his eyes and pray the howling wolves wouldn't find him, shred him to pieces. Remembers wishing someone, anyone, would come for him. Save him like he couldn't save Sophia. Like he couldn't save Andrea.
Even there in his arms. He got her back, but he left most of her out there. Still out there wandering and running. Scared and hungry.
When he grips her tighter she moans against him and he whispers into her hair, "I got ya."
She whimpers in her sleep and drifts away, and he makes her a one sided vow.
He's gonna go deep into those woods in her mind and he's gonna find her. He's gonna find Andrea and bring her back. He doesn't know what it's gonna take, how long it's gonna take, or if he even can. But he promises to find her. Find her for Glenn and Dale. And secretly, just for himself.
He might be going crazy but he swears he feels her nod.