Firstly I'll say this:

I do not nor have I ever owned Sherlock whether it be the books or the TV show those belong to their respected owners. Same with NCIS, Criminal Minds and Skyfall. Yeah that's right this is a disclaimer...Shocking I know.

(Sigh) Now that I got that off my chest. I'm finally catching up with the times...I think...Anyway here is my version of the aftermath of Sherlock's "Heroic" jump. Now I haven't written the back story for my Oc Alex and her daughter Lily or Toni Taylor, but I will get to that eventually...I swear! Don't be put off by the fact there are Oc's in here please. This is written from Alex's point of view, not that her name is mentioned at all what so ever. You will also notice there is Reid from Criminal Minds, I put him there along with the BondLock belief that Q is a Holmes. Yay!

So sit back and enjoy the read.

Standing on the Edge about to Fall

No one saw it coming. Least of all me. It happened while I was at work, which means that it happened the night before as Lily and I slept. No one told me, I had to go through the emotions at work surrounded by my team. They asked, but I said it was nothing and went home. There was no call or text, no Skype or email. I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse, maybe just plain mad. These emotions were just not wanted.

I didn't have the time for useless things like them.

Lily was different then me on this point. She's twelve so tears and sobs could be heard after I told her. She didn't sleep that night. She sat up in bed with me as a read, out loud for her to hear. The sound of my voice seemed to calm her down somewhat. Silent tears could be seen throughout the night. I didn't stop them, nor did I cry myself.

We made quite the sight the next day. Dark, purple circles under bloodshot eyes. Just dishevelled in appearance. Thank god Spence wasn't home. He was on a case in Nevada I think, maybe, I'm not so sure any more.

That made me mad slightly.

Sadly Starla was home and she did ask. Lily was the one to tell. Starla was furious with the news, furious with the fact that I wasn't reacting to it at all. Though, she was more concerned with how Lily was taking it. I let her take the roll of consoling. I couldn't handle it at the moment.

I went in to work the same day and left Lily with Starla. Boss told me to go home. Take time off to come to terms with what had happened. I told him he'd see me next week. He was not happy with me when I said that. Not like I actually cared. He gave me the look and I deserved it.

That made me madder.

The news was still going wild with what had happened. With their retractions of false reports. Tittles screaming "Suicide of a Fake Genius". Moriarty being a fake master criminal. A made up character. It made me grind my teeth together, anger spiking and me throwing the remote.

Still no one called.

I quit watching and reading the news.

Lily cried herself to sleep.

Starla was a wits end.

Boss stopped by, for the most part I ignored him and continued on, Lily was running to him in tears. Ziva was the next person to show up at my place, she just sat with me in silent support. I appreciated that more than anything. Tim and Tony decided that tag teaming was the key, Lily and they watched movies, and I read two books that day and well into the night. Abby, Ducky and Jimmy followed suit with bear hugs and stories from younger days. Still, none of them said what I wanted to hear.

The weekend came and with it was Spencer. Finally home. Not with a grand entrance, but in the middle of the night, as I feigned sleep as to not alert him of my distress. He crawled into be after having a shower and spooned up behind me. We were both exhausted, he fell asleep quickly and I stared at the wall for the remainder of the night.

It won't last.

Lily crawled into bed with us that night. Spencer woke up, I went back to faking, and Lily crawled in between us cuddling up to Spencer. Lily was trying to be brave and I was once again ignoring her pain, trying to hide it from Spencer, but he knew something was different. She never slept with us, she's too independent. He let it go for the night.

We woke to the phone ringing.

I answered it, naturally, I didn't want Spencer to know. It was Toni. She spoke with a thick throat and sobs that she couldn't stifle. "He's gone." Two words that held more meaning then any letter ever could. Words that brought reality slightly into focus.

"I know." It was all I could say.

The day for the funeral was set, plane tickets bought. My mood never changed, not even when I packed my best black cloths, standing next to Spencer while he did the same. No words were said, but I could almost feel what he wanted to say. Ignorance was not going to get me through this.

It was the night that 'it' hit the fan.

My insomnia would not cease and Spencer was draining himself by staying up with me. Just holding me and petting my hair like I was the most precious person in the world. Sleep still evaded my grasp. He had seen the news and read the papers, he knew what was wrong. It was that night he decided to tell me what he thought.

"You couldn't have known."

He said the words with such conviction that I almost believed him.

Almost.

We got on the plane the next day. Lily quiet and reserved, hugging herself close to me or Spencer. As if we'd disappear like her once called uncle. It was a surprisingly short trip for her though as she drifted in and out of sleep, trying to catch up from the sleepless nights we spent together. For me it was too short in my mind, not enough time to think.

There was no black car waiting for us.

I'm not sure if that made me happy or not. On one hand I wanted to punch the umbrella, black car kidnapper in the face, on the other I wasn't sure if I could deal with him. Toni told me what he did, if I ever saw him, I wouldn't stop after one hit. Lily would be mad at me for that.

She's too forgiving.

We hailed a cab and made our way to the hotel. Toni met us there as we were checking in, she didn't even give us time to get settled, not that we could. She didn't look too good with tired bruises under the bloodshot eyes, strung out, and defeated were two words that could describe her. Her mind was also obviously elsewhere. Not in the here and now. In a nightmare maybe.

A never ending nightmare.

John probably looked similar at this moment.

She spent the night with us, sharing a bed with Lily, cuddling her close. I didn't ask why. I didn't need to. Quinn is a Holmes and 221C is way too close to B for her comfort at the moment. Toni had abandoned Mrs. Hudson and John to their own grief. Spencer said nothing and Lily was just happy to have Auntie Toni here for hugging sake.

I didn't blame her either.

Morning came and with it weariness mixed in with depression and all out grief for Toni. Not one of us wanted to leave the room or our beds for that matter. Lily stayed attached to Toni and Spencer had me wrapped up in his arms like an octopus. We had to get up though. We had to move forward. Plans were made before Toni came room crashing.

We had to meet Mrs. Hudson.

Taking a cab to 221B was nerve racking. Toni was shaking and Lilly was crying silently to herself, tears running down her face into her scarf that I had wrapped her up in earlier. Spencer had his arms around her. I was still emotionless, not even consoling my own daughter, telling her it was going to be ok.

I wasn't being a good mom.

We knocked on the door when we arrived. Mrs. Hudson didn't keep us waiting. She hugged each of us tightly with tears in her eyes and watery smiles. I felt bad for the landlady, she lost a son in a way. She held tightly to Lily when it was her turn then invited us in and started making tea. Something about warming us up.

No comments were made about her not being our housekeeper.

We didn't keep track of the time as Mrs. Hudson tried to keep the conversation light. I didn't pay much attention to this, just sat there and drank my tea. She asked questions from how work was going to Lily's schooling to how Spencer and I met. Spencer did most of the talking while I nodded and added a few comments here and there.

Then John came in.

There was no smiles or happy hellos that came with a light voice. Just shaking hands and ghosts of what was once before. He hadn't slept and was probably having nightmares again like Toni only he wouldn't say anything about it. Neither confirming nor denying. All of us were don with this situation.

Done with this year.

He sat with us and we talked for a bit. He told us that he was seeing his old therapist again. It's not a surprise. Nothing was at this point. Not even the fact that his therapist isn't helping at all. All the while I thought he had something in common with me. He had the same look on his face. War hardened, broken down and not sure what to do. He'll never be the same again.

We'll never be the same again, but for different reasons.

As we left for the night, I caught sight of cameras following us as we got into the cab and even when we were ridding back to the hotel. I shot them a look and the kept following. Toni stayed with us again that night and I had to be the one to open my mouth.

"You can't avoid him forever."

Toni glared at me, a look I had never seen before. "Like you're one to talk."

I dropped the subject after that.

We had to get ready for the funeral, this was not the time to fight. No time was the time to fight about this. Lily was upset with both of us for the little tiff we had, she still came to us for comfort. Spencer kept his eyes on me, like he was waiting for something.

I wasn't sure what that would be.

Wearing black pants and a black dress shirt with my leather jacket was all the respect I could give besides helping Lily with her coat and scarf as we arrived. The funeral wasn't big nor was it small for my tastes. Not that he would care for who showed up. I looked around the somewhat familiar faces and didn't see the ones I was looking for.

Neither of the brothers showed up.

I didn't expect them too.

It really didn't hit me till the eulogy was read. My eyes stung as John went over his adventures and Toni's then to land on when Toni had invited me out here the last time. Full of heart and emotion. Tears running down his face. Down Mrs. Hudson's, Lestrade's, Toni's and my little Lily's.

No.

It didn't hit me hard till I stood, staring at the gravestone. Plain and boring. I know he'd say that. He never beat around the bush about his opinion on the world and the people or things in it. He would for sure make that comment.

He'll never get the chance.

Standing there with my daughter, boyfriend and one of my closest friends, made everything come into view. The sounds of sobs and silent tears were all that I could hear. Headlines in the news, all I could see. Spencer stood as silent support.

It wasn't enough this time.

Now was when it became reality. Now was the time where my mask broke showing that I did actually care for all the days where we were running around London. The showing off by spouting off information that nobody would think to look at. Sounds of violins in the early morning.

It's gone, never to happen again.

The tears were real now. Running down my face. Dropping to my jacket. Yet no sound escaped me. Not just for the fact a friend died, but for the fact that that his death could have been prevented by anyone and everyone. Silently I blamed John, Toni, Lestrade, Anderson and Donovan. I knew it was wrong though. Deep down, I knew who I blamed for real.

I should have known.

It's my job to know. I'm a profiler, I don't make mistakes. Then again he never came across as suicidal. Then again things change. People do things for no reason. I glared through my tears as the thoughts came. Glared at the granite grave marker that had somehow wronged me.

I believed it did.

Only one thing came to mind as last words to a dead friend. They wouldn't be the nicest, but I didn't need points for being nice. I took a step forward and sucked in a lung full of breath as I wiped my tears away.

"It wasn't you just standing on the edge about to fall."

It came out as a hiss almost, but I turned, picked up Lily and walked away knowing Spencer would follow close behind. Leaving the grave that bore the name of a magnificent person.

Sherlock Holmes.

There you have it! All spelling and grammar mistakes are mine. It was hard to finish because I didn't want what I watched for the third season to be accidentally added in! Haha all in fun! So please R&R I appreciate it greatly!

Hugs!

Alex