Title: Contemplation of Ovum Fabrication
Author: AllVowels
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Annie and Jeff have to take care of an egg for a week.
AN: This is just a fun little fic that is meant to make people smile. Hopefully it will succeed.
Day 1
An older woman in a blouse and pencil skirt walked up and down the aisles of the classroom, passing out small boxes to each pair of students.
"Your assignment for the next week is to care for an egg. This egg will in essence be your child. You will name it, dress it and take it wherever you go. At the end of the week, if your egg is still intact, you pass. If I see you without the egg, or the egg is broken. You fail."
Annie sighed, "How did you talk me into taking this class?"
"Come on Annie, it is the ultimate blow off class. We keep an egg from cracking for a week and we get an A. Otherwise we just have to show up and listen to advice on care giving."
Annie unpacked the egg from the box. There was a sharpie and scrapes of fabric in the box as well.
"I guess… But next time I get to pick our class."
He snorted, "If you picked our class, we'd end up taking the Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. No thank you."
Annie rolled her eyes and grabbed the sharpie, "What should it be? A boy or a girl?"
Jeff shrugged looking at his phone. "Who cares? Draw two dots for eyes and be done with it."
Annie gasped offended, "Jeff, this is our baby. He deserves more than two dots for eyes."
She peered at Jeff closely, making him slightly uncomfortable from the scrutiny, before drawing on the egg.
"Why are you so fascinated with my face today?"
"Well, the baby has your eyes so I'm trying to replicate them. And he'd have my nose and mouth. I think he'd have your hair though."
"You've spent a lot of time thinking about what our baby would look like, haven't you?"
Annie refused to look at Jeff and continued fussing over the egg. She found glue in the box and used a feather to mimic Jeff's hair.
"See, he is adorable. What should we call him?"
"Over easy? Hard boiled? Sunny side up?"
Annie placed two fingers on either side of the egg, as if she was covering his ears.
"That's not even funny. You'll hurt his feeling. We will call him Jeff Junior. Or JJ for short."
Jeff grabbed the egg and looked into its sharpied eyes, "Well come on JJ, it's time for lunch."
When Jeff arrived at the cafeteria booth Annie had already sat down and was introducing their egg to the Shirley, Britta and Pierce.
"His name is Jeff Jr. But we call him JJ. He was born at 1.9 ounces. So he is a little underweight, but I love him already. Isn't he the cutest thing?"
The group uttered their agreement, clearly not impressed by Annie's new bundle of joy. Annie, oblivious to their lack luster reaction, reached into her bag and pulled out a small cup of applesauce. She put a dainty amount on a spoon and proceeded to feed the little egg.
"Uh… Annie? What are you doing?"
"Feeding JJ."
"You realize it is just an egg right?"
"HE is our child for the next week. And if you don't want to be a part of his life you don't have to!" Annie packed the applesauce up, grabbed her backpack and cradled JJ in her hands as she walked away.
"Can someone please tell me what the hell just happened?"
"Your hot friend with the big boobs picked an egg over you."
"No one asked you Leonard! Don't you have an obituary write?"
He supposed he should offer to take the egg for awhile but he was unable to track down Annie for the rest of the day. All of her usual locales were empty.
Day 2
The next day he still was unable to find her, so he made his way over to the study room to wait. When he entered the study room he found Troy holding a small basket in his lap.
"Oh JJ! You crack me up. Did you get it? No? It's okay, I didn't either. Britta said it yesterday and I laughed, but I'm not sure why."
"Troy, what are you doing with my egg?"
"Sssh! If Annie hears you call him an egg she'll yell at you."
"Where is Annie?"
"She needed to carry her diorama out to her car. She asked me to watch JJ until she got back. But I'm not supposed to touch him. Or throw him. Or lick him. I'm just supposed to sit here and watch him."
"What if he started to roll off a table? How would you save him?"
Troy's eyes widened and he started to tear up, "That's not even funny Jeff. It's your child we are talking about."
Jeff rolled his eyes, "Give me the basket and you can go."
"Annie told me not to let anyone else take JJ. Not even Shirley." He leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "She might use him to make brownies."
"Well since the egg is mine too, not just Annie's, I think it's safe."
Troy looked unsure. "I don't know. You don't seem like a committed father. You weren't even there when we took family photos last night."
"You took family photos last night?"
"Yep see!" Troy flipped out his phone and scrolled through various pictures of JJ at chez Trobed. He stopped at a picture of Abed holding JJ while watching Inspector Spacetime. "That one is my favorite. Abed would make such a great daddy."
Jeff's face scrunched up, why was Abed acting all 'fatherly' to his egg?
Annie walked in at the moment, "Jeff? What are you doing here?"
"I was looking for you and the eg… JJ. Troy refused to leave him with me though."
Troy, oblivious to the tension in the room, handed the basket to Annie and headed out, "See you three later!"
"You left our egg with that?"
"I needed someone to watch him while I carried my diorama out. No one else was around."
"You could have called me."
Annie gave him a dubious look, "As if you'd come running to watch JJ so I could carry out a diorama."
"Well we will never know since you didn't call! I say it's my turn with JJ"
"That's not really necessary Jeff. JJ and I are fine on our own." She grabbed the basket and sauntered out of the study room, without looking back.
Day 3
"Jeff, have you seen Annie today?"
Jeff turned to look at Shirley, "No, she isn't speaking to me. She's not even responding to my texts. Why?"
Shirley let out a large sigh. "I'm worried about that girl. She is overworking herself. When she showed up to class this morning she had dark circles under her eyes. Apparently she has been waking up every 4 hours to feed JJ."
"Tell her it is just a stupid egg and go to sleep."
"Oh, heavens no! I would never tell another parent how to raise their child. My mother in law used to criticize my parenting skills and…" Shirley's nostrils flared, before she took a calming breathe, "Never mind. But you should talk to her. He is your egg too."
Jeff was searching the library looking for Annie and his egg. He spotted them through one of the shelves. Annie's head was bent over the basket as she sang softly.
"Lullaby, and good night, in the skies stars are bright.
May the moon, silvery beams, bring you with dreams
Close your eyes, now and rest, may these hours be blessed
Till the sky's bright with dawn, when you wake with a yawn
Lullaby, and good night, you are mother's delight
I'll protect you from harm, and you'll wake in my arms.
Goodnight. I love you Jeff Junior."
Jeff's heart swelled when he heard her utter 'I love you Jeff' and it quickly deflated when he heard 'Junior.'
Jeff's eye narrowed. He hated that egg.
Day 4
As Annie arrived at school, Garrett approached her.
"Annie Edison, you have been served." He handed her papers summoning her to meet with the dean. Sighing, she readjusted her backpack and made her way to Dean Pelton's office. Based on Garrett's words she expected him to be in his judge or lady liberty outfit. Instead he was in his normal white shirt and slack combo.
"Annie! And Jeff Junior. It's so good to see you."
"You needed me Dean Pelton?
"Yes. It seems that we've had a complaint about you."
"You have?" Annie asked in shock.
"Yes, it came to the attention of your teacher, you know the radical feminist one, that Jeff is not helping with your egg assignment. If she doesn't see Jeff with the egg, she may fail him, and we don't want that do we?"
"No, I guess we don't."
"Eggs-actly! Now, why don't you hustle off and get that little cutie pie to Jeffrey."
Annie did what she was told, frowning all the way. She found Jeff at his locker.
"Someone tattled on us. If you aren't seen with JJ you'll fail."
"Okay. I think I can handle not breaking an egg." He reached for the basket, but Annie refused to relinquish it.
"You are taking this surprisingly well."
"All I have to do it carry a basket around right? I think I can handle it. Now let the basket go Annie. I want to go to lunch."
Annie reluctantly let the basket go. "Alright. But don't eat any egg or chicken products in front of him!"
"Yes mother. Do you want to come with me?" He paused before adding, "I mean, us?"
"You want me to go to lunch with you?"
Rolling his eyes, "Yes and that way you can keep an eye on your precious JJ. Unless you already have plans with Abed."
"No, Abed and Troy are in the Dreamatorium today."
Jeff grinned, "Good."
Jeff took Annie to a quaint restaurant a few miles away from Greendale. Annie insisted that they get a baby seat to prop JJ up in.
"I think we should have eaten lunch at Greendale to increase the chances of Ms. Barch seeing you with JJ."
Jeff shrugged, "If she doesn't see me today, I'll just take JJ again tomorrow."
Annie tied a make shift bib around the little egg's body.
"I was going to take him to the park tomorrow!"
"Well, then I guess you'll just have to take me along as well. You've really gotten into this, haven't you?"
"School is important and should be taken seriously. They are trying to instill into us the importance of being good parents."
He eyed her skeptically. "I don't believe you. At first I thought that it was just your normal 'school should be taken seriously' crazy, but I'm starting to think this is a whole different kind of crazy."
"I don't appreciate being called crazy Jeff."
"Well I don't appreciate being treated like a deadbeat father."
"What do you mean?"
"For the past four days you've been fawning over that egg like it's a real baby. Acting like a mother and feeding it, burping it, changing its diaper. Correction a SINGLE mother. You won't let me help, but oh let Abed cuddle with it! Then Troy tells me I'm not a committed father! Do you really think I'd be a horrible father?"
Annie's face flushed, "Well Abed wanted to cuddle with him! You just wanted an easy A!"
"It's a blow off class Annie. That's the point! You don't have to work for it."
"Well this is the closest I'm ever going to get to having a baby with you, so back off!"
Jeff was stunned into silence. Annie hurriedly packed JJ back in the basket and darted out of the restaurant. Jeff sat back, banging the table once with his fist.
"My life used to be normal. What happened?"
Day 5
Troy sauntered over carrying a small egg. "I bring you JJ. Now I'll just be going."
Jeff stopped him before he could run away. "Where is she?"
"I have no idea who you mean…" Troy said uneasily, eyes shifting back and forth.
"Where's Annie?"
Awkward laughter burst from Troy's mouth, "Annie? I don't know what you are talking about."
"She wouldn't have sent you alone with the real JJ. So one, she is either somewhere watching this transaction, or two, this is a fake JJ. Which is it Troy?"
Troy's eyes kept darting over to the bushes at the far end of the courtyard.
"Or is it both? Tell me Troy, or I'll drop the egg."
Jeff tossed the egg up once and caught it. Troy whimpered.
"Tell me."
"I can't. She told me to give you JJ and come right back. I wasn't even supposed to talk. Ah man, now I'm talking."
"That's too bad." Jeff tossed the egg in the air, but made no move to stop its descent to the earth.
Troy watched in horror as the egg smashed to the ground. He collapsed to his knees next to the gooey mess.
"WHY?"
"Jeff! How could you?" Annie burst forth from the bushes with basket in hand.
"What, smash an egg?"
"You murdered JJ!"
"Oh, if that was JJ, what egg is in your basket? His evil twin brother?"
Annie, realizing she had been caught, amended, "You could have murdered JJ!"
"You honestly think I wouldn't notice the difference between that egg and JJ? You made JJ's outfit match mine that day. That one looked like he was wearing stuff from Old Navy!"
"I was tired when I made him! I didn't want to give up my JJ." She said with a pout.
"Our JJ."
Annie glared at him, "I was trying to let you carry an egg around so that Ms. Barch would see you with it and you wouldn't fail!"
"Then just let me take the damn egg."
Tears brimmed her eyes as she shoved JJ's basket into his chest. "Fine! Take away my happiness! I have class."
She walked away with her shoulders back and her head held high.
"I should have guessed she'd act like this after the pen fiasco." He turned to address Troy, "Troy, that was a clone. The real JJ is in the basket."
Troy peered in the basket, "Thank goodness! I thought I'd lost him."
Jeff slowly pulled the basket away from Troy, "Well you didn't, and I have class now, so we will see you later."
Day 6
It was one in the morning when Jeff heard insistent knocking at his door. Peering through the peep hole, he saw Annie.
Without opening the door, he called out, "Go home Annie."
"Just let me see him."
"He is on my time now. You can see him in the morning."
"Please Jeff. I'll do anything."
"Anything?"
"Anything."
"Fine."
He opened the door and let her in.
"Where is he?" He pointed to the couch where the basket was sitting.
"We were watching TV, would you like to join us?"
"TV? He should be in bed!" Annie checked the small egg for cracks before tucking him back in the basket and setting the basket in Jeff's room, away from the light and noise the TV was projecting.
She walked out of the room and headed straight for the door, "Well thanks for letting me check on him. I'll just be going now!"
"Wait! We still have to discuss our deal. You did say anything after all."
"I will do your homework for a week."
"Tempting, but I'd rather discuss what you said at lunch the other day."
"Two weeks." Jeff shook his head in the negative causing Annie to sigh, "Do we have to?"
"Yes." He patted the couch next to him, "Please sit down."
Annie perched as far away from Jeff as she could.
"I think what I said was perfectly obvious and embarrassing and I'd like to just let it go."
"I don't want to. Why do you think that egg is the closest we'll get to having kids?"
"Because…"
"Were you born without ovaries?"
"What? No! I do have my cycle, so I assume I have those."
"Infertile?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"So, how did you come to this conclusion that we'd never had kids?"
Annie responded sadly, "We've never even been on a date."
"That's because you walked out of one the other day. I was trying to take you out to lunch."
"You were?"
"Yes, but you were on a whole other level of crazy that day."
Annie chuckled lightly, "I guess I did get kind of crazy over the whole baby thing."
"Kind of? I thought I was going to need a lawyer to get custody of a damn egg."
"You'd just be your own lawyer. And if the dean was the judge I'd never win. You'd put on your sunglasses and he'd be a puddle of goo."
"True, so I guess if you want to continue seeing the brat, you'll have to work things out with me."
Annie leaned forward, "How would you suggest we go about that?"
Instead of answering, Jeff leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers.
The rest of Day 6 and 7 was spent in bed.
Day 8
"Congratulations class! Everyone passed. Today we are watching a video on the joys of birth!"
Annie leaned over to Jeff, "She didn't even check our eggs. How does she know we didn't replace them?"
"Oh, she never checks the eggs."
"Then why did Dean Pelton call me into his office?"
Jeff looked at her sheepishly, "I asked him too. And now I may owe him a lunch date."
"Why?"
"Because you were ignoring me, and Abed was honing in on my egg!"
Annie looked surprised, "You were jealous. Over an egg. And you said I was crazy."
"I blame Greendale on my crazy. I'm not sure where you got yours from."
Annie punched him lightly on the arm.
"Ow! That hurt."
"No it didn't… did it?" She asked uncertainly.
Jeff nodded gravely, "Yes, you need to kiss and make it better later."
Annie's eyes cut to the teacher, who appeared to be sleeping at her desk.
"I could kiss and make it better now. Meet me in the supply closet in 5 minutes."
The End
Jeff and Annie were holding hands when they ran into Shirley. She didn't seem to notice though, because she was still puzzling over Troy's recent behavior.
"I thought your egg experiment was over, did you decide to keep it?"
"It is, we got rid of little JJ after class. He was starting to smell."
"Then who is Troy carrying around?"
Troy and Abed rounded the corner.
"Troy, what is on your chest?"
"It's a baby bjorn. This way I can carry little AJ and still have my hands free. It's genius."
"AJ?"
"It is short for Abed Junior."
"Oh." Annie said in surprise. "Is there going to be a Troy Junior?"
Troy and Abed shared a look, "We've been discussing it, but we want to wait awhile before having another."
AN: Sorry about Annie going crazy… well I'm only sorry if you didn't enjoy it.