"Love's Light"
by darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated T. SLASH Warning!
Sanzo is injured in a fight… by Goku. Can the monkey find forgiveness?
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It had started out like just another stupid fight.
They'd become quite adept at handling assassins. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe they'd grown overconfident and careless.
So when one of the assassins unexpectedly dodged Goku's attack and made a grab for his diadem, they were all caught completely off guard. What alerted them to the problem was the monkey's agonized scream as he… changed.
They would never know what had prompted the youkai assassin to do such a foolish thing as remove Goku's power limiter, for Sanzo had quite coolly shot him right between the eyes.
The ensuing fight had been messy. Goku had attacked their would-be assassins as readily as his friends until not one of them was left standing.
Not even Sanzo.
His claws had bit into Sanzo's flesh, shredding it into bloody ribbons. The monk had screamed then, and the monster who lived in Goku had smiled. And with his last bit of strength, Sanzo had not tried to save himself. He had reached for Goku… and he had restored him.
The rest was a blank to them all.
…
Sanzo had no memory of being lifted and carried, of being gently laid to rest in a bed, of his wounds being tended. All was blackness… a blackness so complete it suffocated him, choking him on his own solitude.
He drifted there, trying to breathe, trying to live… helpless. Many thoughts passed through his mind… of life, death, love, loss….
He floated. He stayed that way for eons.
…
And then the voice came.
It was soft… warm. It called a name… his name? He thought perhaps it was.
The voice was calling, searching for him.
He didn't want to be found. It was quiet here. It was cold. It was what he deserved.
He couldn't remember why he thought that, but the feeling wouldn't go away.
He tried to hide from the voice, to pretend he didn't- couldn't- hear it. If he was quiet and still, maybe it would go away. Maybe it wouldn't see him.
Maybe…
Then the voice was all around him, and he was reaching for it before he even realized his hands were moving.
He grasped something… a hand?
…
Sanzo opened his eyes and blinked slowly, vision blurry. He took a deep, slow breath, then inhaled sharply as sudden pain raced through his shoulder and chest, sending stars wheeling across his field of vision. He blinked them away, hating his body's weakness even more than the pain.
"Sanzo?" came the voice, and this time it wasn't in his head but coming fro a point to his left…. "Sanzo, you're awake!"
Sanzo looked at the speaker, who sat next to where he lay, looking at him with wide, anxious eyes. He blinked again, forcing his own eyes to focus on his lover's face.
"Shut it," he said weakly, and Goku grinned, blinking away sudden tears.
As Sanzo slowly became aware of the rest of his body, he wished he were still numb. He ached all over. He flexed his fingers experimentally, trying to work some strength back into them, and realized Goku was holding his hand. He tried to pull away, to deny Goku and himself that small tenderness, but he was too weak.
Goku, though, felt the light tug Sanzo managed to make, ad he carefully disengaged their fingers and set Sanzo's hand on the bed. He pulled his hands back slowly, regretfully, and tucked them between his knees as if to loose them would be to risk touching Sanzo again. He looked down at his knees, at the floor, at anything but Sanzo's steady gaze.
"Um… Hakkai says you'll be okay in a few days. He and Gojyo are still recovering too, but he healed you as much as he could."
Goku stopped, at sudden loss for words. Sanzo didn't speak. He was too tired and the words, which were always a struggle in the first place, just wouldn't come. He gazed at the monkey, wondering where this mood shift was going and knowing it wouldn't be good.
"I'm so sorry," Goku said, voice small and lost. "I always say that, don't I? It seems so stupid." He wiped away his fresh tears with one angry fist, then tucked his hand between his knees again.
Still Sanzo said nothing, just watching as the boy struggled with his emotions. He wanted to comfort Goku, to kiss away his tears and just forget, but that was not what his lover needed right now. And he just didn't have the strength.
"I hate this! I hate hurting you. I hate being this way!
"I'll understand if you don't want me around anymore, Sanzo. Or is… or if you don't want me to- to touch you anymore. I get it."
Goku was heartbroken, tears falling freely, and Sanzo finally understood what was really bothering the boy.
"Stupid monkey," he whispered, and Goku's eyes snapped up, meeting his. Sanzo looked at him calmly, with no anger or fear or resentment in his gaze. Goku searched Sanzo face for forgiveness and found none. He sought out the anger he knew must be lurking just under the surface and couldn't see it. He looked for the wariness he feared to identify in the man he loved and came up empty-handed.
Confusion marred his features as he searched for something he could identify- anything that would let him know what his punishment was and what Sanzo was feeling.
Sanzo reached up with all the strength he could muster at that moment and touched his fingers to Goku's cheek. They came away wet with the monkey's tears, and Goku caught his hand as it began to fall, his strength failing.
"Sanzo?" Goku murmured, eyes filled with questions and a desperate hope.
"I won't forgive you," the blond whispered, every word harsh against his throat, like sandpaper.
Goku's face filled with hurt and a bitter self-hatred, but his lover wasn't done.
"There's nothing to forgive," Sanzo finished, watching as his love's eyes lit up with sudden joy as his meaning sank in.
Goku smiled again, his entire being suffused with the light of his love, and bent down to brush his lips against Sanzo's as he felt the sun's warmth return to his world.
"Thank you, Sanzo," he whispered, and all was well once again.