TS11

Redemption

"The horror of that moment," the King went on, "I shall never, never forget."

"You will though," the Queen said, "if you don't make a memorandum of it."

-Alice through the Looking Glass.

Johnny opened his eyes and saw a familiar ceiling, Rampart. He heard hushed voices in the background. When he closed his eyes he saw the horrible scene with Victoria all again. His stomach churned and he coughed as the bile rose to his throat. An emesis bowl was thrust at him as he emptied the contents of his torn stomach. The cold metal was a reminder of where he was.

"Must be the heat," Johnny whispered. He closed his eyes, hoping to watch the image of the warehouse disappear and wishing it was all a bad nightmare. But it was burned in his brain for all eternity, a testament to him and everything he thought or could be.

"Sure, Johnny, sure," he felt a cool cloth wipe his face and detected a hint of sadness in the head nurse's voice. Dixie looked down on her still pale charge; she noted the dark circles and the looseness of his bunkers. How had she missed it?

"Thanks for everything Dixie," John slightly grinned, knowing she was only doing her job. "I mean it." Those blue eyes penetrated him, betraying his failure and a constant reminder of remorse and guilt.

"That's all right Johnny. I'll let Brackett know you're awake."

She turned; the squeak of her shoes and then silence enveloped him. Not comforting but suffocating, sucking the little air he had out of his lungs.

He stared at the ceiling for answers, answers he knew already and pushed them down. Wiping his face he realized he was in his bunkers and his t-shirt. Gage had no recollection of passing out or even getting to the ER. Roy's voice penetrated his fogged filled brain and then there was nothing but blackness, darkness encompassing him.

He remembered nothing. Johnny balled his hands into fists. Victoria wasn't nothing, neither was Bruno and he had killed them both with his foolishness. He knew how Victoria was and it was all his fault. He was supposed to save lives, not end them. Closing his eyes again, he shrived and wrapped his non IV'd arm around his waist.

#######

Dixie walked into the doctor's lounge to find a subdued DeSoto and Brackett.

"And he just took off his gear?" Brackett shook his head, his eyebrows bunched and he frowned.

"Yeah, yeah he did," Roy looked into his coffee cup. "I mean what would you do?" The sandy haired paramedic questioned. "I mean…I…is he going to be all right?" He feared for his friend and his sanity.

"Kell," Dixie walked to the table. "Johnny's awake now and oriented."

"Okay," Brackett stood up and waited.

"You go ahead, I'll wait here. Besides I have to call Cap and let him know what's going on." Roy grimaced. He watched as the doctor and nurse left. Biting his lower lip he wondered how his partner was. Granted he wanted Victoria out of Johnny's life, but not this way, not dead and his friend traumatized.

#######

"Hey Doc," Johnny opened his eyes to the head of the ER. The room seemed especially cold, or maybe it was his heart.

"How you doing Johnny?" Brackett took a look at his IV. Then glanced at his chart. Brackett's jaws were clenched; he had been in this business a long time, but he had never seen anything like this.

"Cold and my head hurts," Johnny's voice was barely above a whisper. "Can't believe I went down like that."

"I think it's understandable John," Brackett looked at him. There was sadness his eyes.

Dixie rattled off his vitals. She tried to stay professional. DeSoto had been beside himself telling the gruesome details and Gage's reaction.

"Well I think you should go through one more IV and then we'll see about releasing you," Kell crossed his arms. "How does that sound?"

"Good, real good," Johnny didn't want to think of the hours of staring at his four walls and thinking of Victoria. Dear, sweet Victoria. He could feel the tears welling up and he bit the inside of his cheek. Damn it, he had killed her.

"Okay, Dixie get him another IV and I'll go tell Roy. Looks like you're off the clock anyway," Brackett shuffled out.

Gage closed his eyes and then felt a nice warm blanket.

"Thanks Dixie, really appreciate this," then he could hear her changing out IV's.

"You just take it easy tiger. I'll get Roy." Dixie left him alone.

Roy! Why would Roy ever work with me again! Doesn't he know what I've done? I'm supposed to save lives not take them.

Roy opened the door slowly, looking at the steady rise and fall of his partner's chest. He had called Cap and the rest of the shift. He had no doubt the whole department would know what happened to Gage by his next shift. Feeling uncomfortable he stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Hey Johnny," DeSoto walked over to his supposedly sleeping friend.

"Hey Roy," Johnny coughed. "Sorry about everything. I mean, thanks for saving me again. I just don't know what got into me."

"Oh I can imagine," Roy took his hands out of his pockets and crossed them against his chest. "Doc says you can go home."

"Yeah, home," Johnny grimaced, opened and closed his eyes. "Just damn tired, you know. Guess I'll be taking a shift off, huh?"

Roy nodded, "um yeah…considering."

Johnny nodded still smelling Victoria's perfume.

"You going to be okay?" Roy asked maybe knowing Johnny would be. It had taken awhile but Johnny returned to his old self after Drew's death, he figured Gage would return to normal—well Gage's version of normal.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. Of course I'll be okay," Johnny tried to convince himself. Wondering what his future held if any. Would they find him out? See he was a phony and a fool?

"Well looks like you're almost done with that IV. I'll get Dixie and then we can head home," Roy turned.

"Uh, Roy," Johnny felt like he was yelling.

"Yeah, partner," Roy pivoted.

"Thanks for everything I mean it," Johnny's voice wavered.

"Hey no problem. I'll be right back, 'kay." Roy turned away, wondering what he would tell Joanne when he got home.

"Yeah, not going anywhere." Ever, or falling in love ever again.