"Living For"

by darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated T.

Hakkai muses on the reasons behind it all.

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Maybe we're all doomed to die.

We've cheated death enough times for that to be the case. It's become commonplace for us to scrape by and survive with our skins barely intact. It's what we've grown accustomed to.

Our lives are so dangerous…how will we survive this journey? Is this just a slow form of suicide? Does it even matter if it is?

We're happy this way. Maybe each of us has our own death wish, or maybe dying just doesn't matter to us… but I don't care. We're here, together, and life is sweeter when you know that it might soon be lost.

Every day I spend alive is a gift. I was given a second chance to make a difference- to change things around and make things the way I always wished they would be. Dead men have no power. Alive, I can do so much more. It was Sanzo who told me that. I remember it clearly. That simple statement saved my life.

And I do want to help people who cannot help themselves, because that's just who I am. I know what it's like to need. I also know that this is my weakness, according to some people, but I wouldn't change a thing.

We're all here for different reasons. For Sanzo, this is a mission given to him by the Sanbutsushin and a chance to recover his master's lost sutra. Goku follows Sanzo wherever he goes- loyal and true and heartbreakingly devoted to a man who cannot be the same. Gojyo I will never claim to understand. I don't know why he stays, except that we are his friends- the only friends he has ever really had.

And myself? I'm no different. I'm here to help my friends and try to stop the suffering of countless innocents. In a way, I am atoning for my sins by devoting myself to this cause. Isn't it foolish of me to hope I can wash some of the blood off my hands by saving others? I know it changes nothing, but I can't help but try.

And maybe we're also here for another reason. We're all outcasts. Each of us has suffered tremendous pain and tasted bitter loss. What better way to keep from having to cope with what we've left behind us than to run away? And if we die in the process, well, at least we'll die happy.

And something inside tells me that this journey will be the end of us, one way or another. Perhaps it's just my pessimism talking. Perhaps I'm just worrying for nothing. But the happiest times are usually followed by the darkest- and these have been joyful days for us all.

I never thought I would experience the simple joy of friendship- until these men came into my life. Until then, I had only Kanan. The rest of the world was cold and empty.

Now I know how wonderfully warm it can be and I find myself dreading the end. But I'll try to live in the now, with thoughts of tomorrow buried deep.

And I will live. It's all that I can ask.