Realizing
Author: Renata Heckler
Categoria: Shipper, angst
Disclamer: None of these caracthers are mine.
Sumary: Scully realises Mulder is in love for her.
E-mail: Hi, i'd just like to say that althogh this is not my first fic, it is the first one in english and i'm still studing the language. So if something went really wrong here, please let me know.
It's wierd. For the first time I can see how much I lost. How much I have been waiting for something to change. And now I realise that it won't chance unless I do something to change it myself.
It is not that there is something really wrong with my life. It is just that it is not what it could be. And mostly, what I want it to be.
Now I see that at least I could have him. I could not have a normal life with him, because, after all, it is us. But I could have him.
Scully, for the first time were able to see in Mulder's eyes what he felt for her. She had been able to see that look in him before, but she had never realized what it means. And now she could see. Now it was really clear to her. He loved her back. Maybe even just as much as she loved him.
What she couldn't understand was why only then she realized that. It was a normal paperwork day. They were sit by their computer tiping their reports, and, all of the sudently, when she looked him and he responded her look, she saw it. He loved her. Just like that. As simple as that.
Since she first admited to herself what she felt for him, she had kept that in secret. A very well guarded secret. One that sometimes not even she was able to find. But wich now needed to be revealed.
Mulder – she had to do something about it now, or she would lost her courage and never do it.
What is it, Scully? – he asked her with a little of concern in his eyes caused by her sudent call.
Oh, it's not big deal. It's just that... you know, I don't have nothing to do this night since we're not in a case... so I thought that maybe you could come by and then we could have dinner.
That seemed suspicios to Mulder. It wasn't like Scully inviting him to dinner. Something had happened. And he wanted to know what it was.
Are you inviting me for dinner in your place, Scully?
Well, yeah. But if you already have plans...
Ok, Now Mulder was really curious. She was nervous. About what he couln't tell. But she definitly was nervous.
Is this a date, Scully?
Scully choked at the sound of that and then answered.
No, it isn't. It's just two friends spending a time together. I mean, we never talk about other than work. So I thought that, since we haven't a case in our hands these days, we could have a dinner like normal people do.
Uhm, OK then Scully. Since I have nothing to do – "and you didn't convince me with your arguments so I'm even more curious about this now than before" – let's get dinner.
Good. – it was all she could say by now.
Later they actually set things right.
Mulder would go home to get a shower and then go to Scully's not forgeting of stop in a video store to get a movie, Steal Magnolias like he once promissed they would watch.
Scully in the meanwhile would cook their dinner.
Later that same night, Mulder and Scully had dinner in her home. Scully hadn't had much time so she simply cooked a macaroni and cheese and a little salad. She had spent most of her time taking a long buble bath and not rushing getting dressed either.
Mulder in the other hand had his curiosity so awake that he took a five minutes shower and ran to Scully's. Once he got there she was still in her room getting dressed. So, when he rang the bell and she yelled him to come in with his own keyes, he did so.
By the time Scully got out of her room Mulder was well settled in her couch and the minute he noteced her presence in the living room he turned to her.
She was stunning. That was the only word he could find to discribe her.
She was wearing a simple white dress filled with red flowers. He could see she tried to wear something simple and at the same time beautiful. And she got it. She really did.
He never had seen her in those king of clothes and in that moment he wished she worn those more often.
Hi Mulder. – was all she sad. She was feelings all those butterflies flying inside her stomach and she didn't know how to act in front of him.
Is dinner ready? I'm starving – Mulder announced, trying not to think how much he wanted to kiss her, seeing her in that dress.
Yeah, I'll just go heat it a little because I believe the cheese already got hard. Excuse me. – and with that, she went towards the kichen.
A few minutes latter they were siting at the table eating their food.
No words were pronounced. Mulder tried to bring a conversation in sometimes, but Scully only responded him with some monosyllable words.
By that, Mulder was able to see that see didn't invited him to talk about a few uninterestings subjects. She had something to tell him. And she wasn't sure if she should say it. "But what is it?" He questionated himself. The last time she made a hole dinner to them and acted this anxious was when she asked him to be the father of her child. This time it couldn't be it, she already found out that time that it wouldn't work. "Well, maybe this time she wants to adopt" he thoght.
It was then that something hit him. She could be wanting to tell she was going to quit the X-Files and follow with a normal life. It wasn't impossible after all. She had lost too much in that cause of his. She had lost much more than a person could handle. It just could be it. She was abandonig him.
The rest of the dinner, then, was spent in complete silence. Scully affraid of telling him that she loved him – she knew she had to tell him, and she knew he loved her back, but it was still too hard to show what she had being keeping to herself for seven years – and Mulder waiting for her to tell him that it was all over, she would go away and never see him again.
The moment they both set in the couch with the television on, Scully took a deep breath and started.
Mulder, I actually called you here to talk to you about something.
I know – he shot sadly not looking at her.
You do? – she really looked surprised.
Yeah, I do. And what you want to talk about too.
He waited for her to say something, but she was frozen and nothing came from her mouth. She actually couldn't believe what he was saying. But if he knew and, by what he said, he did, well, for the tone of his voice she started to think she was wrong. After all, she could as well had imagined what she saw in his eyes that afternoon, it was really probable she missunderstood it.
I noteced how nervous you are and I ended figuring that out. And I am sorry, Scully. I really wanted things to be different. I know what you are feeling. I wish you didn't feel that way, but you do. And there's nothing I can do about it. And as most as I wish this moment never came, I knew it eventually would. I'm not happy about it, but it's ok. – it really hurted him, to tell her that she could go. But he did understand. And he did wanted her to be happy. And if she needed to be away from him for that to happen, then he would be glad releasing her from that life.
Mulder... – Scully didn't know what to say. Hurt? She thoght that word wasn't enough to discribe how she was feeling in that moment.
She really missundertood after all. Mulder didn't love her. That was clear. But what was going to happen now? Would they be able to keep working together? No, she thoght not. She wouldn't be able to see him every day and remember how she was feeling right now.
So... what now? –she asked, trying to hold her tears. After all he said, she didn't want him to know how hurt she was. But fortunetly he didn't look at her one single moment. She didn't know, though, if she felt reliefed for that or even more hurt. And as he didn't responded, she continued. – Well, I ... should admit that I was really hoping a different reaction – she tried to smile – I don't really know what to do now...
She was still hoping that at least he asked her to stay by his beside, as the partners they always were.
You don't know what to do? – Mulder asked in a ironic voice. – So what? What did you think? – he rose from the couch, looking at her madly – That I would bag for you to saty? You planed my reaction for you to comfort me? You thought that I would cry like a baby and ask you not to go? – Scully could see tears in his eyes now. She in the other hand was already crying. She was quite confuse now, she had never thought he would get mad for her to love him... and she didn't meant that she planned his reation nor anything. And as he saw her tears coming and her head shakig in negative he continued – well, I guess you don't know me as weel as you think you do, agent Scully! Actually, I think you don't know me at all!
Now was Scully's time to get mad. How could he say those things to her? Who did he think he is?
Well, I guess I really don't! Because of all of the ways I thoght you could react to what I was going to tell you, this was not only the last. It was unthinkable. And I am sorry, Mulder. Of every thing I can say, I am sorry. I am sorry for not knoing you as much as thought I did. I'm sorry for all the years I spent by your side. I'm sorry for taking your cause like mine. I'm sorry for think that all what I was working for worthed for something. I am sorry for all the times I argued with Bill because of you. I'm sorry for all the christmas and weekends that waisted with you insted of being with my family. I am sorry for had lost the chance of having a family. I'm sorry for not care enought for having lost a sister because of YOUR cause – Now Scully gave her back for Mulder, he was crying like her, but his face was like a rock, the only thing that showed something that he was feeling were the tears – And mostly – she looked to him back – I am extremily sorry for loving you.
And then she fell into her couch.
Now leave away, Mulder.
You what?
I told you, Mulder. Leave me alone. And since I now know that you want me out of the x-files, I'll call Kirsh tomorrow and ask me for a reassignment. You won't need to see me again.
A minute was past and, though she wasn't looking, she knew Mulder was still there.
May I know what are you still doing here? – she finaly asked.
Did... did you say that you love me? – Mulder asked. He knew that after all she said he should be way out of there. But those three words froze him. Maybe she didn't call him there to tell him she was ditching him. That at least would explain how insulted she was when he said those things.
I guess you had already, how was it that you said before, you noticed. You already knew what I am FEELING. Wasn't it what you said? – she looked at him ironicly. Her tears had stoped and the ones in her cheecks were already starting to dry. She looked hurt. Mulder could see it. And it was again his fault.
He was the one who missunderstood the hole thing. He did another of his leaps and mess averything up.
Yeah. – he didn't know what to say.
OK, then get the hell out of here now please. – she turn her back to him again.
No – he simply said and sat by her beside – I can't. Scully... I didn't mean all the things I told you. – she still wasn't looking at him – I don't want you to quite. I don't want you to leave me.
It wasn't what was looking like not ten minutes ago. – her face was completly closed when she looked at him.
I know. I know, but... I thought you were ditching me. – she was now staring at him, but still not talking – I once more jumped to a conclusion and messed everythig up. I thought what you were going to tell me was that you were quiting the x-files and me. I just couldn't bear that idea. But I also knew you were right in quiting.
Mulder, I would never... – her face was softer now.
I know. I know, but when the idea came to me, I... I went crazy. Scully, I'm the one who is sorry. I'm sorry for saying all those things. And I am extremily sorry for ruining a moment that would be completly happy for both of us.
Scully looked at him. Her eyes were pure hope. He couldn't be meaning what she thoght he was.
Mulder, are you saying that... – she didn't dear to continue the line.
That I love too, Scully. – he said putting out his best smile.- That I'm completely and totaly in love with you, Dana.
Scully's heart jumped a bit. This was actually happening. After all this, it was actually happening.
All Scully could do was close her eyes as she realized Mulder was leaning towards her. And then they kissed. A soft and passionate kiss. A healing kiss. They were fine. At that moment they actually realized, as long as they were together, they would be fine.
The End.
Yes, I know, it's a big thing but I came up with this in the midle of the night so... Still, i'd love to recieve somo feedbacks. Even if it's to say that my english sucks. I really won't care.
Kisses, and thanks for reading it till here!!