A/N: So, this one took me forever to finish, and I'm sorry about the huge amount of lyrics in the middle, but I really couldn't think of anything to go there. That was basically the main reason why it took so long. And I know that I should be updating La Bohème, but I just had to publish this one- I started writing it in July!!! And I'm also sorry ahead of time if there are any spelling/grammar/tense mistakes because usually I'm neurotic about that, but I kind of skimmed this one.
Warning: This contains yaoi and a bit of psycho!Matt, and that also means that Matt may be a BIT ooc, but only enough to fit the story and it's completely plausible.
Song: When You Were Young by The Killers
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
What am I doing? I thought to myself. Am I really going to do this? I don't know if I can. I mean, I've thought about it for a while, now, but I just don't know, I worried.
I was standing here, staring down at the city's lights below me. Here on the roof of the highest building in town. I was ready to jump. I knew I was ready, but I still didn't think I had the guts to do such a thing. This was only something one reads about, not actually does.
But I really wanted to…I think. I mean, I know I want to. All the times in the past where no one even noticed me, no one even knew I was alive, I just wanted to die- just to see if anyone would notice I was gone! Everybody just ignores me, even now! No one knew that I had snuck out of that goddamned institution!
Sure, I was third. But nobody paid any attention to third. It was all about the first and the second. All about Near and Mello. And, sure, I had pretended not to care, that it didn't matter that no one even knew there was a third. I pretended that as long as I had my video games, that nothing mattered to me.
I actually knew that I could become first, that I could surpass Mello and even the genius Near. But I couldn't do that, not to Mello. I couldn't bear to see Mello's face if I surpassed him, he would probably never forgive me, never speak to me again.
Mello was the only one who spoke to me without any trace of insult in his voice.
When somebody else said something to me, it was usually just an insult. Commenting on my attire, or hair, or personality- whatever they could think of, they would find something bad about it. I would pretend to just brush it off, pretend I wasn't affected at all by ruthless words of my fellow peers.
But I was. And everything mattered.
Does anyone really think about how the smallest of words they say would affect the person they're directing their hatred towards? No, nobody really thinks about that.
That's why I either wasn't there at all, or the biggest annoyance in the world.
I don't know how someone who is there in flesh and blood just be so blatantly ignored. It started from when I first arrived! Nobody even tried to say something to me, and I was actually trying to be noticed then.
I was shoved into a room with a golden haired boy that had a chocolate addiction. Wonderful, right? It turned out in the end that he would be the only one that really spoke to me.
And I might have brought this on myself, but I didn't want to be known as the boy who complains about everything, who threw a fit if nobody saw him like an only child who just got another sibling.
I don't want people to think of me like that. I hate when I see people like that. I hate myself. I hate that I want attention! I hate that nobody even sees that I'm really like that! I hate that Mello, the closest person to me in the world and my roommate for God's sake, doesn't even see what I'm really like, doesn't even try, even though he's the only one I really talk to! Even though I'm acutely aware of every time he's putting up a false pretense.
God, I hate that I think of him so often.
He's my best friend, so why wouldn't I think of him so much…right?
But, a voice in my head tells me, if he's your best friend then why didn't he even notice all the times you've stayed awake tormenting yourself? How is it that the person with whom you've become closest to, not even notice you sneak out tonight?
I hate that stupid voice; it represents the part of me that's way too logical.
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes
"Matt."
It's a statement. I didn't even sense that another presence was here with me.
I don't turn around to face the person who spoke while questioning, "What are you doing here, Mello?"
So maybe he did notice me leaving. But that didn't explain how he found where I was.
I heard him snort before saying, "I should ask you the same thing. What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
I could tell that his casual tone he had before melted slightly into a more concerned one on the last sentence. It also had a touch of anger in it, like Mello always is.
"What do you care?" I asked in a bored tone. I couldn't let him know that I was actually a little less likely to jump because he was here. But just a little. Him showing up didn't exactly change anything.
He sounded a bit angrier now when he answered, "Matt, stop being a fucking smartass right now, and come over here and talk to me! What do you mean, 'What do you care'?! You're my fucking best friend, or at least I thought you were!"
This time I snorted. So he did consider me his best friend. Interesting.
I still didn't look at him, but over the edge at the slow traffic, for it was quite late at night. I saw the lights twinkle below and in the distance before speaking to Mello again.
"Why do I need to come over there? I'm perfectly fine right here. Or, you know, I could take a couple steps further, but I'm afraid then you won't be receiving an answer from me for quite some time."
I was gone, and I knew it. Somewhere in my mind I knew that I– finally- had cracked. I really was ready to take a few more steps to my death. I was completely mad.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young
"Matt."
This time his voice held panic in it. I think he knew that I was gone, too.
"Hmm?" I questioned calmly. I was ready, and this conversation was deterring me from reaching my goal.
"Matt, please, come here. I need to say something to you, and you need to be facing me for me to do it." Mello was going into extreme panic mode. I had never really seen him like this before. Maybe he did care? But now, I believe it's too late. Nothing can stop me now.
I smiled to myself at that last thought, before telling him, "What is it that's so important? I really am just fine standing here. You know, this spot has a great view of the city."
And we actually were in a city, albeit a very small city, but a city nonetheless. It really was quite nice. I'm glad I picked this spot.
"Matt, don't be a fucking idiot! Just- just take a few steps back and think goddammit!" Hm, now Mello was angry and panicked at the same time. Interesting combination.
"Mello, I don't know about you, but I've thought enough. And I think that you're just holding me back now."
"Matt! Come on, now, don't fucking do this! What the fuck is going on in your head?!" Mello was into extreme panic mode again. Ah, nothing changes, does it? He's confused and he hates it, I know. So he tries to choose another emotion, one that he can control because Mello always likes being in control, but this time it wasn't working too well.
But he did have somewhat of a point. I don't believe that I do know what's going on in my head; it seems rather confusing right now.
Wait, no, I know what I want. I want to die. And now, I can. I can finally have blissful nothingness.
His voice interrupted my thoughts again when he said, "Matt! Come on! Just take a few steps back for a few minutes! Please!" I can't believe this, Mello is actually sounding desperate. Was I making him do this? Wow.
Maybe I was the closest person to him as he was to me? I snorted internally. He had a funny way of showing that. Then again, maybe I didn't do such a good job myself.
Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now
Watch it go
Hypocrisy wasn't a good color on me, so I dismissed my last thought. Maybe Mello really did care…maybe. But I wasn't getting my hopes up; I had learned not to do that a long time ago.
It seemed like Mello was trying to say something but couldn't find the words. That was a first, I had never actually seen Mello at a loss for words. Not even when I first met him. Ah, yes, the glory days of a childhood spent in Whammy's.
We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane
That started turning
When you were young
When you were young
And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young
I remember when I first got to Whammy's house. I really was an emotionless boy, one who basically had nothing so found no interest in anything. I really wanted nothing to do with the place, but because I was "just a child" I had no say in the matter.
And to make matters worse, I was put into a room with another kid even when I specifically told them if I was going to be there, I was going to get my own room. But, no, nobody listens to Matt.
Ah, if only I had figured how much that other boy would mean to me in the future, but one can never predict the future. No matter how hard one tries.
Mello was sputtering to say something, but still couldn't find the words. Now it was getting to me, I was getting impatient to get on with my evening plans.
"I-I just need to tell you something Matt, can't you listen for a few moments?" Mello's voice was cracking and it put me off for a bit.
There was a long pause with Mello looking increasingly uncomfortable before I spoke, "…Well, you know you can tell me anything."
They say the devil's water
It ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while
"Matt, don't you get it?! I love you!" Mello shouted. He was panting heavily and had an almost crazed look in his eye.
I was shocked, to say the least.
But after a few moments, it made sense. All the times where he was nice to me, when he actually got me a present for Christmas, when he asked me about certain things- it all connected.
And I made a connection that I had been denying practically since I met the guy- I loved him.
Ha! That actually felt good, admitting that to myself. I loved Mello! It felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders!
That information surprised me so much that I took a few steps back to Mello, unaware that I was consciously doing it.
Then Mello did something I wasn't expecting; he kissed me.
The next thing I knew, Mello had come forward and pressed his lips on mine. His lips were surprisingly soft, I have to admit. Mello gently moved his lips and I was shocked to find out that I knew what to do.
I just really wished that we had figured this out earlier, because I was too far gone to stop now.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he come
"Ha, ha, ha," I said out loud when we pulled apart.
Mello looked confused for a moment, then realization started to dawn on his face.
"Ma-"
"Ha, ha," I started laughing again. I had a huge smile on my face knowing I would die happy.
"Don't worry Mello, it's fine." I tried to reassure him. "I'm fine, it's cool."
"Matt! Dammit!"
"Hmm?" I asked, "What's wrong?"
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young
(talks like a gentleman)
(like you imagined)
When you were young
Mello just stood there sputtering for a moment before I spoke again, "You know what, Mello? I love you too. And I really am sorry, but I need to do something now."
"Ma-" he tried saying something, my name presumably, but stopped. Mello looked at me, a pleading in his eyes, and I truly was sorry. But he would be thankful someday. He would be thankful that he didn't waste all of his time on someone like me.
He would, I definitely knew it.
I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know
And that's why I held no remorse and jumped with a smile on my face as I felt the ground come out from under me and a weightless feeling take over, when I heard Mello calling out my name before I entered blissful darkness.
A/N: Wow. I finally finished this oneshot. This one's kind of dark and angsty, but I still love it. I've noticed that a lot of my stuff is like that….and by a lot I'm also including all of the various half written fics saved on my computer that I need to finish. And believe me, there's a lot of them. As always, my parting words are , please review!!
(And don't worry, a lot of free time is coming up in my near future so be prepared for the next chapter of La Bohème!)