"You want to have sex with him."
It seems so long ago since Rayanne Graff said those words to me in the 3rd floor girls restroom. At the time I was kind of appalled because she said it in front of Ricky which is really stupid if you think about it because Rickey understands my feelings for Jordan more than Rayanne does. I mean, Rayanne gets whoever she wants. If she want's sex, she'll have it and she doesn't care about what people think of her or how people see her even if some people think she's kind of a slut. Not that I think that, not really, and I'm not saying that she doesn't understand because she does. She knows exactly how much time I have devoted to my obsession over Jordan Catalano. So does Ricky. My point is, even then, Ricky understood just how deep my feelings went. He saw how Jordan leaned.
At the time my reply was "Sex or a conversation. Ideally both."
Truthfully, I think I would have settled for a smile. Not even a smile, really. Any kind of acknowledgement of my existence would have been good enough, not matter how small. Now I have more acknowledgement than I need. The conversation is there, sort of. What conversation we have is really good but that is mainly because when he speaks to me, part of me is still excited and awed because I'm having a conversation with Jordan Catalano. He's actually, like, talking to me. He's asking me questions and responding when I ask him stuff. Not that I ask him too much because he's Jordan Catalano and you can't like bombard him with all these questions that he's not expecting. It just doesn't work like that.
In a way, when we have a conversation it's about sex anyway. I don't mean that we actually talk about it. Not in so many words. Not in actual detail. Well, not in any more detail than it takes for him to let me know that he wants to do it and that he wants it to happen soon. It doesn't matter what we're talking about because whatever we're saying has a sub-context of sex. It's in the way he looks at me. It's in the way I can't stop myself from touching him on his arm or his hand or his hair. Especially where it's really soft in the back. It's definitely in the way he kisses me and sometime in the way that I don't want to tell him to stop.
The problem is the fact that I can't seem to stop the words from reaching my lips. Stop. Don't. Enough. As soon as I voice those words he backs off but he's becoming more and more frustrated and, in a way, so am I. When those words voice themselves, part of me is so relieved because by that stage my heart is hammering in my chest and it's kind of hard to breathe but the second after part of me regrets saying it. Part of me thinks why didn't I just shut up and let it happen. I mean, it's got to happen sometime. I can't stay a virgin for ever and isn't it right that it should happen with the person who I spend my entire life thinking about? However, do I really want my first time to be in the back of his car or in some abandoned building? Isn't it supposed to be nice? I mean, if you think about it, it's the only thing you can ever give away that you will never be able to get back. Shouldn't it be sort of special?
I can't believe I'm even having this debate in my head. I mean, he's Jordan Catalano! I can't imagine any other girl in school debating this. Who wouldn't want to sleep with him? Well, apart from Sharon or Rayanne because that would just be impossible. Is it even a question of whether I want to sleep with him? I've wanted to sleep with him since the first time I saw him. Rayanne wasn't asking me a question that afternoon. She was making a statement and the statement was true. The real question is when, not if. Is tonight our 'when'? If it isn't tonight, will I get another chance? On the other hand, should it really be a now or never kind of deal?
Oh God! He's going to be here in like ten minutes and I still can't make up my mind. The pressure is just too much. Maybe I just need to figure out exactly what my beliefs are. If Sharon can have beliefs even after she's had sex, why can't I? The problem is I'm not so sure we had the same beliefs to begin with. Are ten minutes enough time to decide what me beliefs are? I wonder if Jordan has any beliefs….