Why Don't You Love Me?
A/N: After spending a few hours searching for a Death Note fic in which L and Light do not hook up I figured the whole thing was ripe for parody...I'm probably far from the first one here but enjoy anyway!
Disclaimer: I own nothing Death Note related. In fact at this moment the only things to my name are this laptop, a very large DVD collection, and an even larger sword.
No matter where Light searched he couldn't seem to find the pasty detective and his closest friend/nemesis.
He had spent all morning searching for the man but so far it had turned up nothing at all. When all hope was lost Light heard a faint whisper from a nearby room. Light frowned, it was L's bedroom and usually the last place one could expect to find the hardworking detective.
"Yaoi."
"Yaoi."
"Yaoi."
Light's frowned deepened. What exactly was the pale detective doing in there?
Hesitantly Light reached out and knocked on the door.
"Enter."
Light cautiously pushed the door opened and stepped into the room. Nothing seemed that strange. L sat on his bed, legs pulled tightly to his chest, typing on a laptop with one hand and the thumb of the other planted firmly in his mouth.
"What are you doing?" Light asked curiously.
L paused and looked Light up and down as if carefully judging him. "Light-kun, it seems the world wants us to have sex."
The world came crashing down around Light. He had no idea what to think, no idea what to say.
A mistake! It had to be a mistake; Light's ears had temporarily failed him. It wouldn't do for the future god of the world to be caught with such a human problem as bad hearing.
Light straightened his back and shook his head as if he'd just noticed L was in the room. "I'm sorry I didn't catch that."
If L reacted at all to Light's little act he didn't show it. "It just seems that there is a rather large community out there that believe we are quite taken with one another. I just read one where you entered my room at night and ravaged me."
With that L shot a quick glance to the window in order to confirm that it was daytime and the story was not some sort of prophetic writing.
Light was stunned to say the least, his jaw hung open and his eyes bulged in surprise. Finally his mind caught up with the rest of him and Light managed to recover enough for an eloquent reply. "What?!"
L sighed and turned the laptop around, pushing it lightly towards Light. "Read this."
Light took the offered laptop and began to scan the page. Slowly his face grew whiter and whiter.
With each word it got harder and harder to focus as Light began to feel lightheaded. (get what I did there? Lightheaded? Ah the things I do with words.)
"We...we need to find out whoever wrote this, put an end to this slander." Light stammered out.
L shook his head dejectedly. "Go back to the previous page. It seems there are many people out there who think we...enjoy...each other. There are literally hundreds of those stories."
"But, how? Why?" Light seemed to be grasping vainly at any thought that would keep him from passing out.
"You must admit Light-kun you do seem rather disinterested in women." L murmured.
"But...but Misa and Takada...and..." Light stammered vainly grasping for the truth.
The world's greatest detective merely shook his head and took a small pastry from the night table next to him. "You must admit that even though you act rather cordial to them you show very little interest a male your age would."
"Yeah while neither do you..." Light trailed off as a new thought hit him. It was something he never really considered, L never really showed any interest in any gender. "You don't? Do you?"
L shrugged. "No Light-kun I have no desire for you whatsoever."
Light frowned. "Well then why did you ask me if I was interested in you?"
"I was curious about whether you shared the community's perspective on our relationship."
Lights eyes bulged and eye looked around the room to ensure that nobody was listening in. "What are you doing? Don't say it like that!"
"Like what?" L asked, clearly confused.
"Relation-"Light stopped and glanced around once more for snooping peoples. "Relationship." He finished in a hushed voice.
"How else am I to describe how we interact?" L asked earnestly.
"Well you-"Light stopped and looked around.
"Well you should address me as..." He stopped once more and searched for an answer.
Finally Light 'harrumphed' and walked out of the room.
Just as L began to settle into discovering the internet once more Light poked his head back in the room. He opened his mouth and stood there slack jawed before grunting and disappearing one more.
A/N: Well there you go my very first Death Note fic. I hope you all enjoyed it. I just felt a need to write it because despite the fact that L and Light were never shown as anything remotely beyond friends and nemesis the ratio of Yaoi fics to non-Yaoi fics between them seems to be somewhere in the area of 2:1...not that there's anything wrong with that...
Anyway I hope you liked it. I may write some more Death Note stuff in the future if only to throw off the ratio...