Goodbye To Yesterdays
Only a few current members of the expedition had been there from the beginning. Rodney McKay was one of them; John Sheppard another. Teyla had almost been there at the beginning. Close enough, in her mind. She had met them within a day of their arrival in the Pegasus galaxy.
So she understood what few others in Atlantis at that moment did—what Elizabeth Weir meant to those who had been there from the first day. The replicator, with Elizabeth's mind and personality, had been an unnatural and discomforting mix of traits and actions and words and expressions that were so 'Elizabeth' and yet not.
Replicator Elizabeth, in her strange, unfamiliar body, stepped through the gate and convinced the other replicators to follow her. By so doing, she destroyed that particular threat to Atlantis once and for all. Her final sacrifice settled Teyla's confused mind. It had been Elizabeth, and now Elizabeth was gone. She had seen it with her own eyes this time, and she felt her heart twist in her chest in sorrow, but now she could move on.
Rodney darted out of the gateroom as soon as the stargate shut down. Ronon had not been far behind him, and she wondered what those two were thinking. She turned away a moment later, wanting the solace and peace and joy she now found in the arms of Kanaan and Torren, but as she reached the door, a nagging feeling made her stop and look back.
John stood in the middle of the gateroom, frozen in place. He stared at the inactive stargate, gripping his P90 with white-knuckled hands. Teyla hesitated, waiting to see if he would eventually tear his gaze away from the last place they'd seen Elizabeth. He did not, and Teyla felt her heart twist again with a pain that ran deep.
"John?"
The gateroom was clear of people now. John stood rigidly, almost at attention, as he stared off into space. She made an effort to tap her feet against the floor as she walked to let him know she was approaching, but he made no sound or move to acknowledge her.
"John?" she called again, a little louder. She reached a hand out to grab his arm gently. Again, he did not react to her, so she tugged a little harder on his sleeve and stepped in front of him.
"That was Elizabeth," he whispered, his gaze riveted to the empty space within the ring.
"Yes, I believe it was," Teyla answered. "Are you alright?"
"It was her," he repeated, seemingly oblivious to Teyla's concerned question.
"John?"
"I told her she wasn't Elizabeth. I told her she might believe she was Elizabeth, but she never would be."
Teyla reached for his other hand, the one gripping the P90, and slowly loosened the stiff fingers from their hold. She had no idea what John had said to Elizabeth, or when he had said those things, but obviously it had upset him greatly.
"It was her. I told her…I said she wasn't Elizabeth, and now…she just—"
John's face had gone pale, and his eyes were bright with warring emotions. Teyla glanced up to see a few of the technicians from the control room above had wandered to the balcony to see what the military CO of Atlantis was still doing staring at the stargate. Teyla frowned, knowing that John would not want an audience to the turmoil he was suffering. She pulled on his arm and managed to turn him around toward the side door.
"Come, John."
John followed obediently. It seemed as if he had no will of his own once the gate was out of sight. He trudged along next to Teyla mindlessly. She could feel the tremors in his arm as she led him out of the room and down the hall.
"It was Elizabeth," he repeated again, but this time he stopped and faced Teyla, a look of abject horror on his face. "Oh, God, Teyla. It was Elizabeth. It was her, and I…I said…"
"John, listen to me." Teyla dropped her voice, forcing John to lean toward her. She grabbed him by both arms, squeezing painfully to keep his wandering attention focused. "It doesn't matter what you said."
John looked at her, but his eyes were unfocused. He looked completely dazed.
"John? Did you hear what I said?" Teyla spoke again, the words coming out forcefully, almost like she was reprimanding a school child.
John suddenly swayed, his knees buckling. Teyla, caught off guard, was able to guide him in a controlled slide down the wall to the floor, barely averting the boneless sprawl he would no doubt have ended up in. She felt a welling of panic as she took in the light sheen of sweat covering his pale face.
"What is wrong? Are you hurt?"
John looked up at her—confused, angry, scared, despondent. It shook Teyla to the core. John Sheppard was not a man who showed his emotions so easily or so openly.
"Hit my head," he mumbled. He blinked heavily, as if it had suddenly become very difficult for him to keep his eyes open.
Teyla immediately reached for his head, running fingers through his hair. She cringed when she found a growing welt on the back of his head. John groaned in response.
"How did this happen?"
"The other guy—Koracen—threw me into the wall. Elizabeth stopped him." He looked up at her, grabbing her arms in desperation. The torment on his face almost made Teyla gasp. "She saved me. I told her she wasn't Elizabeth, and then she saved me and then she walked into a space gate taking the others with her, and I didn't…I just stood there…Teyla, it was her—it was Elizabeth. It was Elizabeth."
Teyla swallowed against the pressure in her chest and the growing lump in her throat. She had no idea what to say to him. John's eyes were bright with moisture, but his gaze was distant and glassy again. Teyla glanced up and down the corridor, grateful that it was empty.
"Can you walk?" she asked gently, shaking John's shoulders to get his attention.
"What?" Confusion marred his face. Teyla noticed that the tears so close to the surface a moment ago had yet to fall, and she wondered if they ever would.
"You were injured in your fight with Koracen and need to be checked out by Doctor Keller." She pulled on his arms, and after a bit of struggling, John finally managed to stand. He gripped her shoulder with one arm and used the other to brace himself against the wall. Teyla wrapped her arm around his waist as they began to walk, keeping him steady.
"It was Elizabeth," he whispered.
Teyla sighed deeply. So much pain. "I know, and Elizabeth knows that we know."
John nodded, rubbing his face with his hand as if that would wake him from the nightmare he seemed to be trapped in. He was walking steadily, but each step seemed a little hesitant as it came down, like he wasn't sure that the floor really was right in front of him. When he stumbled, Teyla tightened her grip on his waist and felt his weight sag into her a little more, allowing her to carry some of the burden.
Only a few of them had been there from the beginning, had known Elizabeth Weir the way she had known her. John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, maybe a handful of others wandering the halls of Atlantis at this very moment, saying goodbye to the first leader of the expedition in their own way.
"I will miss her greatly," Teyla suddenly said, giving voice to her lingering thoughts.
John stumbled again and reached out desperately. She grabbed the flailing arm, shifting slightly to support him even more. His whole body was shaking now, and she wondered how much of it had to do with his head injury and how much with having to watch Elizabeth Weir die again.
He would need help saying goodbye, but Teyla knew him well. He would never admit to that or ask for what he so desperately wanted. They rounded the corner and entered the infirmary and Teyla led John over to the nearest bed. His eyes were already drooping closed, and she helped him lie back before he toppled over completely.
Keller would ease his physical pain, but maybe later Teyla would talk to him about their early days on Atlantis. She felt the loss of Elizabeth twist in her heart again, but it was a little less heavy, a little more manageable. She smiled, brushing the hair away from John's face as a nurse bustled over. She would call Rodney and Ronon, and maybe the few others who had been there from the beginning. Maybe together, their memories would pay tribute to the friend and leader they loved and ease the pain of final goodbyes.
END