Author's Note:

I thought the CC section could use more Stillman based stories, and I've never bought the John as Lilly's father figure thing, even when I was into L/S. So, if you're not wierded out, go ahead, read and enjoy. Hopefully you'll review, since it takes a minute of your time and brings me a lot of pleasure.

Pipe Dreams

The older I get, the less I'm sure of. They say youth is wasted on the young, but I wouldn't bet on that. To be young and know everything is something I wouldn't have traded for anything. I'm middle-aged, divorced; living on lousy pay, buckets of coffee, and I'm not sure of a blessed thing.

I stopped knowing everything in the heat of the jungle, seeing the guy next to me go down. The bullet ripped through him, his guts spilling free. I hunted with my dad, and thought I was hot stuff, I could handle it. I thought it was a game, that I could lick 'em, and go home and tell pops; he'd be proud. I learned quick. I became a man in 'Nam, not in the backseat of my dad's car with Glinda McNab two years prior.

If I weren't in the middle of a nightmare right now, I might chuckle over that. I'd forgotten all about Miss McNab, and the bumbling minutes of sexual discovery she provided. My buddies managed to smuggle me some condoms, even though it was against the law for unmarried couples to even have the things. I picked Glinda because I heard she went all the way with Bobby Butler, so maybe I'd have the same luck. Sure enough, she crawled into the backseat with me, ready to go around the world.

It was pretty much over before it started, an experience that was as much embarrassing and awkward as it was thrilling. She was nice about it, but you could tell she was less than impressed. The next day, we pretended like it didn't even happen, looking through each other in the halls from that point on. I never see her at the class reunions, heard she moved to London or something with a guy ten years younger than her a while back. Good for her.

The feel of the bullet takes me far away from my absurdly timed mental journey. It's funny. I made it through that shit hole called active duty without a scratch, the scars all up in my head. I got home, survived being a grunt on the force, going through the worst neighborhoods, wading through garbage that the academy doesn't prepare you for. I tear my way to detective, move on up to be the boss, where your biggest worries to your safety are paper cuts and heartburn. After all that, a bullet went clean through me, and all I can think about is her. I don't care about me, I'd take twenty to the chest to get her out of here.

My detectives think they got me pegged, case closed and shelved. They see me as Papa Stillman, boss, mentor, father figure galore. Will and I are more on equal footing, been friends and colleagues for more years than we'd like to admit. Hell, that old timer got's more milage built up on him than me, and unlike me, isn't disturbed by how fast the years go by. He went to Janie's school plays, I go to his nephew's baseball games. The others love me, but they only see what fits neatly into their lives. I can understand that. They make their living in so much choas and distruction, they need something safe and predictible.

Even her, especially her. I maybe her rock, but she's the color in my life. I see so much of myself in her, the drive, the social shortcomings, the arrogance, the skill. Being a cop was the one thing I did with skill. Everything else I stumbled and faked through. Lilly understands what it's like to only be comfortable in your own skin when she's working. I wonder how I'd feel in my own skin if things were different. Aw, that's just a pipe dream. If she had any idea how often I wanted her mouth on mine, she'd probably have a heart attack, or run for the hills. Then again, women have never been my strong suit.

Lord knows I felt awkward as a virgin on a first date during my marriage, going through the motions, and never quite getting it right. I loved Rita, but I loved the badge more. Like a lot of women do, she thought she could change me, rebahilitate me from my workholic ways. To all ladies out there, I'd make a tip. Don't bother, people only change when they want to.

I'm just glad Rita and I have something second cousin to a friendship these days. We have Janie and Sean to think about, we don't have the luxury of petty fueds. For a brief second, I thought we'd have something a little more personal, but that quick minute of insanity luckily passed. The dinner we had together one night proved that. It was nice, but distant, and it was hard to imagine ever being married to her. That was some other guy, some other life. She was beautiful, but it didn't interest me on a personal basis. I think she felt likewise, because ever since then, our conservations are strictly about Janie and Sean. Maybe it's a good thing I never changed.

Lilly won't change either. Oh, she wants to, really wants to. She's a step ahead of me in that department, 'cause I sure didn't. She's tried. I've seen her go through brief relationships with long, lonely periods of loneliness in between for as long as I've known her. I don't know how any man could leave her once they've had her, but history is full of fools, and they're no different. Ray. He's the biggest idiot of all. He has her heart, but chooses the open road, and the illusion of freedom that comes with it. If he had half a brain, he'd be at her house right now, keeping those sorry looking cats company.

Will Lil ever see them again? The pain is in my blood, my skin, everywhere, but Father who art in heaven, I don't care, just take care of my girl. She's so brave and stupid, trying to be one step ahead of that bastard, get him away from us. Go in there, you'll be safe, she tells him. But he's taking her with, the gun he smuggled in the sword over all our heads.

I get to my feet. I'm damned useless, but I'll stand, if it's the last thing I do. After all these years, that's my biggest goal. I don't know anything, and I don't care about anything, except no one can die, she can't die. The man that supposedly has all the answers, and all I can do is watch. I'm supposed to watch out for them. Well, I did a bang-up job, eh? I let Lilly down, like everyone else.

Not too long ago, I made a pointless effort to comfort her, cop style, about her mother. I think everybody else had a turn, I was up. Homicide cops live in death, but it doesn't prepare you for losing one of your own. A few hallow words, a touch on the shoulder, what else could I do? Maybe comfort wasn't the point. I wanted to let her know I care, that her pain matters.

Frankly? Ellen Rush meant less than nothing to me, if that. She was a symbol of Lilly's pain in my book, the force behind a little girl being brualized, forced into womanhood when she should have been playing baseball and going to slumber parties. Maybe Ellen loved Lilly, or maybe just what Lilly could do for her. Whatever the case, tough as nails detective Rush never gave up on her mother, even when the liquor stained memories of her childhood all but suffocated her.

Everyone let her down, but no one can out-do how Ellen Rush perfected the art. Even her death is another betrayl. She could have lived, but took the easy way out, leaving her daughter with another blow to absorb.

I didn't want to touch Lilly's shoulder, I wanted to hold her, to rock her, letting her cry it out. I've long ago resigned myself that she'll never see me as a man, that wasn't even on my mind. I think Lilly needs to be held, but none of us will ever do it. She wouldn't let us, so we settle for touching her shoulder and giving meaningless words of support. As much of a bum as Ray is, if I knew his number, I'd call him. She'd let him hold her, bring her solace. But I doubt Lilly even knows how to get a hold of him at this point, so she'll have to settle for us.

If I died right now, in my own handcuffs against my shattered office door, would my life have been worth living? A killer once said: Second rate medals in your second rate office. Were they really worth it? I thought they were once, thought I made a difference. I had a hand in Janie being born, and she's worth everything, but how she turned out, I can't claim credit for that. I was flying blind, and screwing up being a dad more often than not. I couldn't even protect her from what I spent my whole life fighting, it stole her childhood, tainted her life. Just hand me a Father of the Year Award, and hit me over the head with it.

I couldn't protect Lilly, either. She thinks she doesn't need protecting, that she's got it under control, she's still young enough. George shook that theory, but she walked away, he didn't. She pushed it away, never seemed to look back. She only brought it up once, to make a killer crack, but even then, she had peace, she was strong, still in control. Will she ever feel that way again?

She's gone now, with him, and his hostage, an eighteen year old girl that's whimpering for mercy, is with them. Bet she'll keep the shrinks well paid for years to come, right? That is, if Lil can keep them both alive, but if anyone can do it, my girl can. Will and Nick are frantic, working on me, trying to stem the flow of blood, I think. 'Shock' is what Will's saying I'm going into, and Nick tells me to hang in there. The words fall like useless leaves around me, my mind disregarding them. It doesn't have room for anything but thoughts of Lilly.

Images come back vivid of the first time I ever saw her. I haven't thought about that day in years. She was still in her patrol days, when she had her hair cropped, with the energy of a whirwind. She tried to be professional with me, in awe of me in those days, ironically enough. It wasn't long before that all changed, before she became comfortable around me. I liked it better that way, even if the hero worship was flattering. Her blue uniform was neatly pressed that day, the color making her eyes even more striking. There was such spirit in those eyes, if I remember right.

She hadn't gotten the hard shell yet, was still counting on a future with Patrick, still adoring of her little sister before sins of the flesh would drive her back to reality. Like all rookie cops, she thought she'd take on the world and win, shake it up, make a difference. These days, she just settles for taking on the world, and walking away in tact. I think we all get to that point.

Walk away in tact, Lil. Don't let that be another one of my pipe dreams.