Angel Peanut Gallery
Draknal: I was wondering what became of the angels after they were defeated and were sent back to heaven. Oh, they'd be pissed for sure! But I figured I'd add some commentary to go along with it. Enjoy!
(A/N: For the sake of my sanity and the effort I have to put forth to make this fic, I will simply be referring to all angels as "males", rather than taking the time to figure out which is a male and which is female. I don't want anyone commenting on that later, so I brought it up now. Oh, and I also listed what number each angel is, just to make it easier on the readers.)
"And… and… ugh! I can't believe we have been reduced to such a mockery of our race and-!"
Well, there went Sachiel (the third angel) on another one of his rants. This was the fourth one of the day, and this had been going on for a while. He just couldn't accept the fact that all of them had been defeated at the hands of a couple of fourteen year olds.
"Will you shut it?!" Sahaquiel (the tenth angel) shouted from across the white puffy cloud they were situated on. "I'm trying to sleep here!"
"I most certainly will not! Aren't you offended by how we were cast aside so easily by those human monstrosities?!" he vented.
Sahaquiel let out a sigh. "No. I really don't care. We lost, it's over. And I know I shouldn't use this human reference, but cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it!"
Sachiel looked as though he was going to pop a vein, as there were a great number of them now showing on his face mask. But before he could begin ranting and shouting angelic curses towards the humans that bested him, he was stopped by a question from his angel brother.
"Where are all the others?" he inquired.
Looking around, Sachiel could say he honestly had no idea where they had gone off to. "Wait, is there something going on that we weren't informed about?"
Sahaquiel could only shrug. "Beats me. Let's take a look."
After wandering around for a few minutes, they found the other angels, all gathered around a large circular opening in the cloud they occupied, and they were all looking down through the opening.
"Hey, what did we miss?" Sahaquiel asked as he floated overtop of the other angels and looked down through the hole.
Ireul (the eleventh angel) answered his question. "It looks like there's a battle going on down there between the humans and their monsters."
As the angels watched, they let out various "oohs" and "ahs".
"Wow, I'm glad I didn't have to face the red one when she was that pissed," commented Zeruel (the fourteenth angel).
As Unit-02 crushed in the head of one of the MP Evas, the angels all screamed "OOOOOHHHH!!!"
"Damn, those things are taking a worse beating then you did at the hands of the purple one Bardiel!" Sachiel shouted.
Bardiel (the thirteenth angel) was indignant. "I can't believe you just said that! You got your ass kicked just as bad as me!"
"Did not. I was doing a pretty good job of slapping him around," Sachiel remarked.
"Please, you have no excuse for losing. He was barely able to synch with his Eva. You had the best chance out of any of us to defeat him. But did you? No!" Matarael (the ninth angel) noted.
"Says the only one of us that was weak enough to be killed by their conventional weapons," Ramiel (the fifth angel) jested. "I think it's kind of funny, but it is the truth. Those… pallet rifles? Is that what they're called?"
After receiving a nod from his other brethren, he continued on. "Those rifles have never done anything to any of us whenever they've been used against us. But when they decided to use them on you Matarael, they not only injured you, but killed you!"
"Well… well… you're just a big floating octahedral thing!" the spider-like angel countered.
"Oh good one…" Ramiel replied sarcastically. "And you are just a poor, pathetic emo, goth, brooding spider that attempted to fight them by cutting yourself open and bleeding on them."
"It was ACID!!" the spider defended. "I was leaking acid from my eye!"
"So that only supports my statement that you are an emo, goth, brooder. You were basically crying on them."
Matarael needed to stop this before his other brothers started having a field day with him. Looking around, he found a decent target to switch the conversation to.
"At least I did better than Gaghiel (the sixth angel)."
"Hey, don't bring me into this! I did a damn fine job if I do say so myself."
"No you didn't," Arael (the fifteenth angel) remarked. "Out of all of us, other than Sachiel, you probably had the best chance of killing those humans. You had the element of surprise on your side! You could have gone straight for the boat that had the Eva on it, or the area that the humans were staying in, but did you? No!"
"Well… I was… scoping out the enemies! Ya know, to see if there were any other threats I should have known about!"
If Ramiel had any eyes, he would have been rolling them. "You failed, and that's that. So just give it a rest. We all know you screwed up."
"Yes, you could have executed your attack a little more efficiently," Tabris (the seventeenth angel, a.k.a Kaworu) pointed out.
"No one asked you ya fag!" all of the other angels shouted.
Tabris was taken aback. Where had that come from? "What did I do to deserve-"
"We said CAN IT queerbait!" the others shouted in unison.
Armisael (the sixteenth angel) continued, "We saw everything that went on down there. Honestly kid, we didn't think you went that way."
Tabris' mouth fell open. They thought he was queer because of that?! Oh brother…
"We were afraid you were gonna try to put the moves on that boy," Bardiel chuckled as he continued watching what went on below with interest.
"Hey, I'd rather be called queer then have gone through the royal bitch slapping you took," Tabris spat angrily. That was sure to get a rise out of the cloud-like angel.
"I WAS NOT BITCH SLAPPED!!" roared the hazy cloud of gas. "I fought and lost honorably!"
"Please… you had your wrists broken, your neck broken, and arm nearly torn off…" Tabris started, counting off each instance with one of his fingers.
"I was at a disadvantage then!" Bardiel attempted to defend himself with weakly.
"You had your armor ripped off, your muscles and innards removed, your head smashed in. Oh, that was a nice scene by the way, watching as your head imploded from the purple one's fist."
Bardiel was sulking now, as he had no retort for that. He really had been royally bitch slapped. Oh boy… they were never gonna let him live that down.
There was only one way out of this, and that was to switch the blame!
"Well how about Leliel, huh?"
"What about me?" the large sphere-like angel inquired.
"Let's look at your approach," Bardiel began. "You pretty much tried to eat the purple Eva."
"What?! Nuh-Uh! I was uh… trying to… use an unorthodox attacking method to um… throw off my enemies!" he proclaimed.
"You tried to eat him you fat blubbery bastard." The other angels got a kick out of that and began laughing.
Leliel felt like he was about to break down. So much so that…
"Hey!" Israfel (the seventh angel) shouted as he jumped away from a large shadow that appeared underneath him. Seconds later that particular part of the cloud they were on disappeared.
"You see!" Bardiel exclaimed. "There that fatass goes again, eating whatever his shadow can get a hold of."
"I'm a nervous eater! I can't help it! Whenever I get nervous I just start eating. And I'm not fat! I'm just big shadowed!" the shadow ball of doom exclaimed. "You would be nervous like that too if you had someone rip you apart from the inside out…"
Sandalphon (the eighth angel) began to chuckle at that comment. "Yeah, that had to suck pretty bad."
Each angel stopped their argument for the moment when they looked back down to see an MP Eva throw its lance in the direction of Unit-02.
"OH DAMN!" shouted Shamshel (the fourth angel) as he watched the lance bypass the Eva's AT field and impale the red biomech.
Sachiel was practically rolling around due to him laughing so hard. "Momma will protect me!" he mocked. "I guess not, BITCH!"
"I gotta say," Ireul started, "Those MP Eva things are pretty badass. They're doing what we couldn't."
"Well," Tabris began with a grin, "You know that those things are basically operated by copies of me, right?"
"Oh… well in that case they suck ass."
Sachiel was quick to agree. "Yeah, they do look pretty queer. I mean, look at those funky, odd shaped heads of theirs. And those big red lips. Wow… who built those for SEELE? Probably some gay fashion designer…"
This quickly got Tabris to shut up.
"I think it's safe to say that I did the best out of all of us," Zeruel stated offhandedly.
Oh that was certainly the wrong thing to say.
"Where the hell do you come off?!" Ramiel shouted. "I couldn't tell whether you were trying to kill them or convert them with all of the cross-flares you were firing off!"
"Well I-" But before Zeruel could begin he was cut off by a continuing Ramiel.
"You also had one of the best chances to kill the humans in that pyramid thing! You were RIGHT THERE! But did you shoot?! NO! You decided to try and scare them first by letting your eyes glow. Then the purple one came out and kicked your ass."
"So sue me for trying to make their end look dramatic…" the paper armed angel muttered.
The rectangle of doom didn't want this ridiculing to go any further than it had just gone, so he looked around for a new target.
"Well what about Arael, huh?" he inquired.
Said angel looked up from the battle he had been observing. "What about me?" he asked in an offended tone.
"Why don't we look at how you did," Zeruel challenged.
"Hey, I got the redhead to damn near kill herself!" the angel made of light yelled.
An uproarious laughter came from Ireul. "Yeah, you raped her. I'd wanna kill myself too if someone like you did that to me."
"WHAT?!" Arael shrieked. "I did not! I tampered around with her mind!"
The laughter continued, and soon his other brothers were joining in.
"You raped her and you know it," Armisael chuckled. "Why else would she have been screaming 'It's raping my mind!' if that weren't the case huh?"
"Her MIND!" the angel of the skies cried in protest. "Her MIND! I didn't physically do anything!"
"Yeah, keep telling yourself that, you damn pedophile," Sachiel smirked. "I didn't know you liked em so young."
Arael wanted nothing more than to just shrivel up and die… again.
"Speaking of doing nothing physical," started Sahaquiel. "We noticed how physically you responded to the lance they threw at you. Nice job dodging it by the way. Was moving to the side too much effort for you?"
Had Arael possessed a physical mouth, it would have been on the floor. "Are you insinuating that I didn't try to keep myself alive? How could I dodge something moving that fast?!"
Ramiel took it upon himself to answer that question. "Let's see. When the blue one was winding up to throw it you could have started moving. I highly doubt they could have hit a moving target. Oh, or you could have attacked the blue one with your… -ahem- "mental attack that isn't raping them but really is" to prevent them getting a chance to kill you in the first place."
Arael sulked in defeat. They had a point. "Well ya know, going thru the readhead's mind like that has probably scarred me for the rest of my unnatural afterlife. You should have seen some of the shit going on in there."
"Speaking of the redhead!" Israfel noted. "She's getting beat pretty ba- HOLY SHIT!"
All of the angels immediately ceased their bickering and looked down once again at the battle that had been taking place.
"Are they… THEY ARE!" Ireul shouted.
"Those things are eating her!" Tabris observed out loud.
Leliel seemed down at that. "How come they get to eat…?" he whispered to no one in particular.
Fourteen glares settled upon the shadow ball of doom.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"Fatass…" one of them mumbled.
Once again, their attention settled back to the battles of the humans. No one said a word, but instead watched intently as the MP Evas continued their rampage.
That is, until Armisael began laughing uncontrollably.
"Do you find this funny?" asked Zeruel.
The halo-like angel shook from side to side, clearly specifying a "no".
Instead, he directed their attention to the NERV facility. In particular, they watched as a soldier with a large metal tank on his back ran down a hallway of the installation.
Stopping at an open room, he directed the gun he was holding inside it and released a stream of flames into the quarters. Screams were heard from within.
"Hit 'em again!" shouted a nearby officer.
The soldier followed orders and fired into the room again.
"What the HELL?!" laughed Shamshel. "Overkill much? Or were they hoping to kill them again?"
"Well," began Bardiel. "What's worse than being on fire? Being on fire while being torched with more fire!"
Fourteen blank stares were fixed in his direction.
"That made no sense at all," noted Sandalphon.
A tremendous roar caught their attention as they looked down once again. They watched in awe as the fearsome form of Unit 01 rose into the sky on bright orange wings.
"Oooooh…" the angels all noticed. "Those MP thingies are screwed now…"
"Run bitch! Run for your life, go get help!" Sachiel shouted at the white Evas.
No one noticed how the cloud they were standing on began disappearing, compliments of Leliel and his inability to control his eating problem when he is scared or nervous…
-End-
Draknal: Sorry if that was kinda random. I just had to get that out of my mind and off my chest. I mean, how often do you wonder about the defeated angels?
R&R please. It'd be appreciated!