Asexuality explained, romance failed and the first step towards everything...
The Talk and The Choice
When Clint explains Asexuality to Steve the conversation doesn't even start with sex as the subject.
The closer they became and more time they spent together Steve started to notice the smaller details about the archer. The way he tried to keep everyone on his right side, his preference for Chucks sneakers, a favoritism for 2% milk.
But it was the odd design that seemed to be embroidered or printed or stuck to more than a few of Clint's personal objects and a favoritism for the color purple that drew Steve's curiosity. A sticker in the corner of the Jeep's windshield, a sticker on the back of his E-Reader, a laptop cover, embroidered on the side of his purple gym bag, printed on the front of tee shirt and the back of a hoodie. Even the purple leather stitched into his body armor for combat.
It was an upside down triangle the inside striped with four horizontal bars of color: black, gray, white and then the mysterious royal purple. Steve even remembers the poster from his time in the circus being in the same colors.
Had there been no actual symbol Steve might have passed it off as just a favoritism for the color set. The colors and symbol nagged at Steve but he never addressed it.
Then one early morning a walk to the corner bakery for coffee and a couple of fresh cinnamon buns, Clint tucked warmly in the emblazoned hoodie against the chill in the air, was approached openly by a complete stranger. The young man flashed a tattoo on his inner wrist to Clint, the same upside down striped triangle on the back of Clint's hoodie. The archer had relaxed instantly, warmly shaking the stranger's hand and invited him to join them for breakfast. Steve had had no issue with the new company, the man had been talkative and friendly and easy to get along with. In all it was a pleasant breakfast with a new friend but it left that nagging confusion in the back of Steve's mind.
Later that afternoon Steve finally asked, what the colors and the symbol meant and he braced for whatever it was.
Clint had only smiled gently, it was obvious in the calm way he answered that he had been asked before and the way he gave no more information that needed that he had experienced bad reactions to the answer.
The triangle and the colors were the Asexual Pride flag and symbol.
When Clint had relaxed at Steve's look of confusion the soldier realized that Clint had been just as braced as he had been.
The following conversation and explanation lasted until nearly one in the morning, far past Steve's normal retiring time and far earlier than Clint's but Steve had wanted to understand in exact detail. In Steve's era homosexuality was still taboo and considered a mental disorder, especially unacceptable in the military. He knew times had changed and the soldier had no issue with it, in fact he was glad that the suppression had lessened, that happiness and love could be found for those of the orientation just as readily as his own 'straight' sexuality.
But 'asexual' was something he's never heard of or encountered, which Clint explained wasn't surprising as the percentage of asexual individuals in the population was about one percent, less so seventy years ago and then not even understood as an orientation at all.
Clint explained slowly, carefully, in full, answering every question Steve had and even explained things a few times over to make sure that Steve understood. He explained the Kinsey Scale of sexuality, about the Asexual Visibility and Education Network –AVEN- and even pulled up the group's website for Steve to read. He explained the difference between asexuality and celibacy, about 'romantic orientation' and the different levels of physical behavior and action, the lack of legislation because of how small the community was and the 'protected class' status bestowed on asexuals in Vermont and New York. And finally he explained the significance of the colors representing the gradient from hypersexual to asexual.
The archer even boldly explained the entirety of his own situation. He told Steve honestly and fearlessly about his own experiences, the sparse two attempts he'd made as a young teenager with a member of each sex, trying to understand his lack of interest and inability to physically gain arousal much less release. The confusion and fear, a particularly harsh beating just weeks before aging out of foster care, the few attempts at relationships that had failed miserably when his partners found he couldn't perform. It had taken an hour in itself for Clint to explain that while he didn't and couldn't feel physical attraction he did feel connection and love, even admitting that he was a bit quick to give it away and though he'd buried most of his hope away he still quietly wished for a partner, someone to love though he had yet to meet anyone that had been able to understand or be willing to give up sex completely. There was a sadness and a bitterness to Clint's voice as he explained that particular truth of his life.
Steve had been so riveted by the conversation that he'd missed the passage of time and had forgotten to blush when the conversation had turned to more explicit explanations.
Though exhausted from the long talk Steve hadn't bee able to sleep as he turned the information over and over in his mind and trying to find how it fit in his understanding of life and social experience. He had no prior reference to it and it wasn't until the predawn hours that he realized that he had plenty of reference to fall back on. Clint. This was something solely individual to the archer and in his mind Steve cemented the concept to Clint and for that found no fault or fear or misunderstanding of it and dozed off soon after.
He slept in far later than his normal six am muster and to the scent of steak and eggs in the apartment. That alone told Steve that Clint was nervous and braced for the worst and considering his experiences the soldier didn't blame him. Clint would not relax for most of the morning because of Steve's unusual quiet over lack of sleep and coffee. The tension was nearly unbearable until the soldier chided the archer about his steak being underdone. It was a tease that they had kept running since the first time they cooked the breakfast and Clint actually had undercooked his steak. Clint was instantly soothed and the tense moments of their friendship passed quietly and became just another facet of it.
As time wore on Steve found himself growing quietly and steadily more protective of Clint, especially concerning his asexual status. Steve could tell that Clint was used to poor reactions and bad results, that he'd run the gauntlet and learned to endure. Clint had always put off an air of warning, his looks between the many scars from training with the bow to his quiet and watchful manner made most nervous and wary, to a point of instinctively avoiding him, as if he were some very dangerous animal that if touched or approached would savage them. Steve started to wonder if Clint unknowingly fed the perception with the failures and fumbles of his badly crippled social life and experience.
Steve's presence seemed to muffle or negate that air of inapproachability and slowly men and women not only approached to make attempts to Steve but extended invitations to Clint as well. None seemed more shocked than the archer and he often politely refused even when once in a while Steve accepted a proposal for a lunch or coffee date. It left Steve a bit confused and feeling horribly selfish when he realized that he was relieved when Clint would refuse. The soldier began to press and urge Clint to consider dating, even offering double dates at resorting to 'begging' Clint to come along to act as a buffer for a supposedly unpleasant date that Steve had been to polite to refuse.
They did not go well. Neither the singular dates or the doubles with Steve. The soldier witnessed first hand how though Clint was polite and attentive and if he was truly uncomfortable excessively charming, that his lack of attention to flirts and physical contact turned both male and female prospects off in an instant and though there were promises for calls none were ever made. But at Steve's reassurance and gentle urging the archer tried and continued to try.
Until a breaking point had been reached on a double date. Steve had seen a young woman, Alice, three times and the girl suggested the she set Clint up with her friend and roommate. The friend in question, Ruby, had been promoted at sweet, bubbly and outgoing. A stark opposite of Clint and Steve only agreed on a growing affection for Alice and the hope that opposites attract. Clint's discomfort at the idea of a blind date with 'a friend' increased tenfold when Ruby had greeted him with an aggressive kiss that took all of Clint's will power not to shove her away. The woman seemed absolutely intent on not only touching Clint in every way imaginable publicly acceptable or not but also in bedding the archer that night. No matter the subject at the table Ruby made it sound lewd and suggestive, punctuating each remark with a squeeze on Clint's thigh, a noisy kiss to his cheek and once a doggish snuffling in his hair. Even Steve was having difficulty stomaching Ruby and his horror at the situation he'd put his friend in shamed the soldier to no end. As the night wore on Clint grew steadily more silent and icy, he actually started to flinch whenever Ruby moved and shudder when she laughed, he'd migrated inch by inch around the curve of the table and booth until he'd nearly been pressed into Steve's side, though a fraction of air stayed open between them, Steve had no illusions that Clint had no desire to be touched anymore than need be, even if it was Steve doing so.
And the more Ruby drank, the higher in frequency her attentions got.
Steve watched miserably as Clint paled through the night as his jaw tightened until it seemed difficult for the archer to breath and how he ignored his food entirely and endured with polite respect until dessert and coffee were taken away. The archer even carefully paid for the meal, stopping Steve from offering and explaining that since they'd been kind enough to set him up with a date Clint would pay Steve, Alice and Ruby's way. The soldier didn't miss the slight tremble in Clint's always steady hand. The archer's knuckles were painfully white on the steering wheel while Ruby lavished attention on him from the passenger seat the whole ride to drop the women off at their apartment. Steve himself felt suddenly and terrifyingly trapped in the backseat with Alice curled up against him and pressing kitten kisses to his cheek and lips. Clint and Steve politely walked the ladies to their door the archer already doing his best to retreat when Ruby tried to physically drag Clint into the apartment by the front of his shirt and belt, squealing that Steve and Alice could have the boy's place for the night while they took the girl's for their own.
Steve had finally snapped and actually shoved his way between them, putting Clint protectively behind him and giving Ruby a nudge that sent her stumbling back a few steps in shock. The terror and shame Steve would have felt at his own actions were negated when he felt Clint shivering a little against his arm and shoulder where he'd curled against Steve's back accepting the support and protection without objection and the soldier held his ground. The shock in both Alice and Ruby was apparent, they screamed and ranted and raised the whole floor of the apartment building. Threats to call the police were made, accusations of homosexuality spat and Steve stoically and quietly walked Clint away, down the stairs and out to the Jeep. When Clint had pulled away from Steve's supportive hand with a quiet 'don't touch me' it broke the soldier's heart a bit and redoubled his guilt for the whole disaster of a night. Alice had followed them and while Clint waited behind the wheel Steve had a quiet conversation with her. He was appalled when Alice defended Ruby's behavior, claiming she was only being sweet and affectionate because she had liked Clint so much, that Ruby had been perfect for Steve's 'cold, dick of a roommate' and that Clint needed 'loosening up'. Steve didn't hesitate to break up with Alice right there on the stoop and before they had pulled away from the curb Steve asked Clint to delete her number from his phone.
Steve apologized profusely and begged for forgiveness and Clint gently reassured him that it wasn't Steve's fault, that Clint knew if Steve had had any idea he wouldn't have set them up. Clint's lack of blame did nothing for Steve's guilt. For a full week Clint shied from touch or even close quarters, even making sure to keep some distance and bit of furniture between them. Steve feared their friendship was annihilated and miserably tried to find ways to apologize while he suspected would be their last week at roommates and friends. But the end of the week came and the spell broke. The soldier had never been so relieved in his life as when Clint had roughly ruffled his hair out of place with a small smile, reconnecting and restoring their bond in an instant.
After that Steve stopped pushing Clint to date or offered double dates. The soldier himself found he suddenly very reluctant to return to seeking a companion himself, he made a few attempts thereafter with a few sweet girls but he never got passed a first date again and after a half dozen attempts he no longer asked for nor agreed to a meeting.
The Night of Hurricane Ruby as it had come to be called in their small circle and would many years down the line be laughed about hysterically, had scared Steve down to his core. Not only for Clint himself but for the idea of their bond suffering and snapping under the tension of another influence. Steve couldn't bring himself to remotely consider anything that put their friendship at risk, it meant too much to Steve.
It would be months yet before Steve was able to quietly admit to himself and to Clint that all his affection and protectiveness, adoration and dependence, respect and reliance on the archer had reshaped their friendship into unconditional love but the soldier had made the decision essential to the possibility of their partnership. Steve chose willingly to sacrifice his baser instincts to ensure the survival of their bond. The soldier was the first and only soul that had ever truly made the pact and found he had no regrets, it wouldn't be long before his resolve would be rewarded with the quiet passion and perfect devotion of the archer's heart.
A/N: This is one of my favorites, I hoped everyone enjoyed and that is provided some clarity on Asexuality.