Unspoken Fear

Erik started to let me go up into the main part of the opera house again when Madame Giry said that I had been cast in the next production to be Prima Donna. I hadn't self injured in a month and my angel considered that "great progress" I still felt low about myself and hated to go to rehearsals with everyone because they all stared at me. Whispers still floated about when I would enter for practice. It was during one of these moments that I had one of the first breakdowns in a long time.

"Has anyone seen Mlle. Daae?" Firmin announced loudly for everyone to hear. "She hasn't been seen since before we took a break for lunch. If anyone sees her or knows of her whereabouts, please let me know." Meg's ears perked at the name of her best friend's absence.

"Monsieur Firmin, she mentioned to me that she was not feeling well and would continue her rehearsal with her tutor. She didn't look well at all to me Monsieur, I think it is best if we leave her be."

"Very well then, thank you little Giry, let me know when she is feeling better again and we will rehearse the larger full cast numbers then." Firmin scratched his head wishing their star hadn't taken ill for the previous opera. Mme. Giry had told Firmin the smallest amount of information that she could about Prima Donna Daae. Her injuries were the first to be told and that she had fallen ill to a stomach virus which would prevent her from performing unless changes were made. Mlle. Daae would rehearse solos with her tutor and big scenes with him. It was also brought to their attention that Mlle. Daae was put under too much pressure and that it would ruin her performances, she was to have a break whenever she felt because before she would tell no one that something was wrong or overwhelming her.

I couldn't believe that I let what they said get to me. I was sitting on the floor in front of my mirror in the dressing room. I was shaking, trying to not go into a full panic attack, but it came anyway despite my wishes. The ensemble members were making fun of me. Spreading rumors that were mostly true. How I had become so thin, that I would cut myself in order for the "Opera Ghost" to love me. The last one wasn't true, but it made me want to harm myself again because the truth was that Erik became disappointed in me when I had hurt myself. He told me I was beautiful, perfect, and his angel. Angels aren't supposed to feel that way or be hurt that way. They were to be worshiped by all. The talk mostly just hurt me; it felt wrong to be that way, to be normal. I reached for a vase of dying roses planning to smash it and use the pieces to maybe just make life better for everyone around me. Tears continued to pour down my face, then I felt a pair of arms wrapping themselves around my shaking form.

"Christine," the sound of his voice made me sob harder, "Angel, please let go of the vase." I released it and he put it up on the vanity again.

"Erik, did you hear them! Could you hear what they said about me? I shouldn't be in the opera anymore. They need someone more stable than 'Crazy Christine!' I don't know why you still care about me." I mumbled.

"Love, have you eaten today since your fruit with me this morning?" I shook my head no in despair, noticing he changed the subject. "Well, I figured as much so I brought you something."

"But-" He cut me off.

"No buts Christine, I wont have it. I want to see you perform and shine again. I want you to be happy. You can't be happy if you don't eat, if you don't eat, I can't let you rehearse. If you don't rehearse then the understudy will do the role, and no one wants to see the understudy. They want to see YOU."

"Erik, please listen to me I am in distress! I cannot work with those people. The whispers put me on edge! I can't eat with anyone either. I can't be judged anymore. I want to feel, I want happiness again, but the fear is far too overwhelming. I will eat. But I want to eat alone."

"I want you to know Christine, I love you, and I will do anything to make you feel more comfortable back up here in the opera house. Which is why I'm going to let everyone know that the Opera Ghost cares about the stability and well being of his Prima Donna. You have nothing to worry about." I stared at him with wide, wet eyes. Thumbing the rest of my tears away he said.

"As for your request to eat alone, I cannot let you do that. Especially since you almost broke a vase to hurt yourself. I thought we were done with that. It's been a month since your last accident." He gave me a hug and held me tight.

"I will eat with you, I will eat what you brought me. I will not take any of my meals with the other cast members. It's too hard." I sniffed.

"Angel, I by no means intend to make you eat where it makes you uncomfortable. I tell you again that I want my Christine to be happy, and do the things that I know she loves most. And that is being onstage, performing for me and your father, bless his soul."

He handed me the basket containing my meal: soup, bread, cheese and an apple. I pleaded with my eyes to make him reconsider the bread and cheese. He had his visible eyebrow raised and looked at me credulously. I sighed knowing I would have to eat everything. So I took my fate into my hands and began picking at the bread and eating it very slowly.

A/N I am back and struggling with recovery. I have been harm free since before school started so its been almost a month! I am seeing a counselor while I'm at college and I love how many friends I actually have now that care about me and don't care what happened in my past. they just want to make my future better. (I am going to a christian university) anyway I'm back with a sequel. please review