Thump. The phone hits the floor, still ringing, and Dean covers his head with a pillow to block out the noise. The good thing about one night stands is that they don't last, don't require commitment or remembering the name of the person you stuck your dick into. They're also supposed to stay like that and be forgotten about in the next fortnight. It's definitely a mistake to give one your number. Dean ought to remember that from now on, as he didn't want this to happen again. When the first call came a few days ago he shouldn't have answered it at all. He should have remembered the name. He should have been able to say no. He had promised himself that would be the end of it, but there was the promise of sex – the promise of acceptance and feigned care for half an hour. He didn't even know if he was being used as booty call or if she had been mistaken and thought he wanted something more serious, which he was very much afraid of, as he didn't want to hurt anyone. She might have deserved it though, bragging about all the hearts she'd broken in the past. She was the same age as he, but seemed worlds behind, like a child who only cared about partying, sucking cock, and alcohol. It made Dean think about how taxing his life had been, he felt like he was so very old, like his time was over, which it probably had been already when John made the deal. He had actually been dead for many years now, but his body hadn't realized it yet.
The phone quieted down and Dean rose from the tangle of sheets he called a bed to sit at the edge. He sighed deep and placed his head into his hands. He didn't want this. He would probably never admit to wanting a real relationship, a proper life, even to himself, because he didn't deserve that. There was no way someone like him would be blessed with something so great. It was probably for the best too, as he would just treat them wrong. So he didn't even try, didn't want to catch a single glimpse of happiness, because it would be taken away from him right away. Either by his own idioticness or by someone else. So he fucked nameless people without faces. It was for the best. He even felt a bit happy about the agony that came with dumping and using girls, because that's what he was good enough for, being an asshole. A bitter laugh cut the air.
Sam was upset with the way he was treating his so called dates. He had a right to be. Dean wanted to call the girl to say that no, she couldn't come over. He was better than this, he could be. If not for him, then for his brother. Next time.
It had been like this since the only person he could see himself being serious with had confessed that he liked him and Dean had turned him down over some stupid fling, even if Dean definitely had feelings for him. He was just scared and stupid as hell. He had taken him for granted, an option who would always be available. Now he was gone. Now he had someone else and Dean laid people he didn't like.