Song: Big Ass Rock
I don't know who it is by…sorry (but you can find it on youtube)
Please note! This is suppose to be humorous! It is a parody song about suicide- please don't take offense to it in any way. I just heard the other day and thought how funny it would be to have the three guys singing to it. Also- there is swearing as the name implies. Enjoy.
Title: Let's Find a Rock
Edward was having Jasper and Emmett walk through the woods with him. He had just found out that Bella died by jumping off of a cliff. He knew they wouldn't go through with it but he had to ask. "You guys know why I brought you here."
"Bella's dead." Jasper said. Everyone was saddened by that, they all knew it to be the truth.
Edward nodded, "I need to ask you guys a favor."
Emmett shook his head, "You know we can't do that." He said. Living with someone for this long- you know what they are going to ask.
"If you don't then I will find a way myself." Edward said.
"We can't."
"Then I am going to find a different way." He said walking off.
Emmett thought about the options then stopped Edward, "I have an idea!"
"Let's find a rock!"
He turned to Jasper with a huge smile as he put his arms out to prove his point,
"I mean a big-ass rock"
He thought it about it even harder then came up with a better idea,
"Or maybe something like
A cinder block is better
I'll hoist it up
And drop it on your face, my buddy
And just before the lights go out
You'll see my smile and you'll know
You've got a friend
With a rock
Who cares
I mean a big-ass rock"
Emmett nodded, yeah that could work.
Jasper thought about it for a second and shook his head; he had a better idea,
"Or rope!
I got some quality rope
Made for a man who's devoid of hope
Like you are,
my buddy, Michael."
Edward looked worried at how much thought they were putting into this,
"Unh, that's Edward."
Jasper nodded his head,
"Edward. Right!
And I won't leave you swinging there,
Twitching like a fish while you claw the air.
I'll grab your feet
And pal o' mine
I'll pull real hard
And snap your spinal cord!"
Jasper made over dramatic motions to prove his point to pulling on him. Edward backed away; he didn't think they would go for it.Emmett wrapped his arms around Edward when he realized Edward was trying to run,
"The world is cold when you're alone and they ignore you
But don't kill yourself"
Jasper came over and put an arm around Edward's other shoulder,
"We'll do it for you,
You've got a friend!"
Jasper then looked frustrated and looked toward Edward which meant he had a story for him,
"You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting me in a barrel
and sending me over the falls.
You know what the son of a bitch said?"
Emmett looked over at Jasper, "What?"
Jasper growled before saying, "He said,
""Drop dead, asshole.""
Emmett looked upset from the words as Edward kept trying to back off from them but Emmett kept a good grip on him,
"People are pricks. I asked this guy to take his air compressor
and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye..."
Jasper looked at him flustered,
"What'd he say?"
Emmett sighed and shook his head,
"I'm low on nails."
Emmett growled, making his grip tighter on Edward. Jasper was flustered from his words,
"People are selfish pricks."
Jasper finally remembered another good story he had,
"Another time, now get this,
I just lay down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed,
you know, business as usual, and just squash me like a bug."
Emmett smiled,
"That's a good way to go, Jazz, the ol' bug squash.
We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head!"
Jasper shook his head,
"Naw, that's such a wimp suicide."
Edward thought he caught onto their joke as he said,
"I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me."
Emmett hung his head low and shook it,
"Edward, stay out of this."
Edward looked concerned, then smiled,
"I've got a friend
Like Carole King
Or was it Carly Simon
Used to sing?
I always get those two confused
But anyway -
I turned around
And suddenly
I'm not alone
It ain't just me
I'm like a player on the team
I'm part of the gang...
A member of the club!"
Emmett and Jasper came up to him and put their hands on his shoulder,
"Player on our team
Part of the gang
Welcome to the club!"
Jasper then got an idea, he looked over at Emmett,
"Oo ... let's get a club!"
Emmett sighed,
"I like the big-ass rock"
Jasper then swung his hands, Edward had to duck his head to not get hit,
"Naw, one good swing and
I'll clean his clock forever"
Jasper smiled,
"Let gravity do the work!"Emmett then turned to Edward,
"It's a man's way to die, Mikey."
Edward got mad, they could at least get his name right,
"Edward!
I got friends!"Emmett and Jasper wrapped their arms around Edward.
"Friends who will
Love you like a maniac
And lead you like a lamb
To the railroad track
And tie you down.
Or tickle your wrist
With a single-edge razor.
Or buy you a beer with
A Draino chaser.
Or dump you in the
River with a rock"Emmett smiled,
"A big-ass rock!"Jasper smiled and went over to a big boulder that was near the clearing,
"Here's a nice one right over here!"Emmett went over to Jasper who was picking it up.
"Can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy."Jasper shook his head, bringing it over to Edward,
"No Em
It ain't heavy...he's my friend"
Edward backed away from the rock that was coming at him, that was the last thing he rememberedbefore blanking out and waking up at the house.
In case you didn't read the top- this was to be meant as a joke. No serious parts in here. So please don't freak out at me.
Seeing what I get for reviews, I might make another song parody later on here.