"I didn't want to be the one to tell you this Michael, but I feel that it's in your best interests to know: I saw Tina and Artie at the movies together last Friday. For all I know it could be perfectly innocent but...you may want to talk to your girlfriend." Mike nodded curtly and excused himself from the choir room looking hurt.
"What are you up to?" Kurt asked, eyebrows raised. Rachel had that gleam in her eye, and two years of close contact and living in near constant fear of eventually becoming, however distantly, related to her had taught him that absolutely nothing good could come of that.
She started when she realized she wasn't alone, and for a moment Kurt wondered had he stayed quiet if he would've been privy to a melodramatic soliloquy. It did seem her style.
"I'm looking out for a friend," she replied stiffly, stacking her music and making for a quick exit.
"I was with Artie last Friday. I invited myself over under the guise of wanting to learn how to play that idiotic video game and then 'accidentally' tossed all of his suspenders into his electric fire. So I repeat, what are you up, Rachel?"
Talking with Rachel often gave him the impression he'd stepped into another universe: in this one he was evidently the bad cop to her inept criminal. If her very voice didn't send reverberations of pain and annoyance through his head the exercise could almost be called fun. Rachel's lip trembled and her eyes flicked from the door back to him.
"You can't tell anyone, got it?" she insisted.
Kurt weighed his options. Clearly, whatever it was that she had planned was Rachel Berry levels of crazy, and knowing the inner workings of her mind was likely to give him nightmares for weeks, which would in turn surely negatively impact his skin. Still, this was prime blackmail material. Maybe he could even convince her to stop playing the Original Broadway Cast Recordings of her favorite musicals every time she and Finn were getting busy in the basement.
(The two of them had absolutely ruined Funny Girl for him.)
"Fine," he sighed, disinterestedly picking at his fingernails. "My lips are sealed, an expression no one would shed a tear over if you decided to take literally one of these days."
Rachel ignored the thinly-veiled insult and skipped up to him, yanking him down into a seat next to her, her eyes glowing. He was so most definitely going to regret this. "I'm trying to get Tina and Artie back together." She paused, and judging by her excitement seemed to be waiting for him to praise her.
"Why?" Kurt asked.
The diva looked scandalized. "Why? Because they're perfect together. Their separation has lasted too long, and I can not be the only one who sees how much they pine for each other. Mike is perfectly nice, but he's clearly the footnote in someone else's epic love story, and I don't want him to get hurt as I'm sure he inevitably will. Tina and Artie are meant to be together, I'm simply speeding up the process."
Kurt really wished Mercedes was here. He needed someone to exchange bitch-be-crazy looks with. As it was, he settled with a cool appraising expression, hopefully conveying that he was not buying what she was selling.
"...No, seriously Rachel. Why?"
"You don't believe me?" She was doing that pouty, 'someone-just-cracked-non-vegan-eggs-all-over-my-unconditioned-hair-and-hideous-animal-sweater' thing with her mouth that always worked wonders on Finn, and he really ought to train his step-brother to resist it.
"No, I do not. There's not a selfless bone in your body, Berry, if you're doing this you have ulterior motives."
Rachel looked like she was going to protest for a moment, but Kurt raised his eyebrow and she relented. "Well, in addition to wanting to help two of my closest friends reconnect and find love again...I do think that their rekindled romance could have a positive effect on our team dynamics."
"So you're manipulating your friends so we have a better chance at winning Nationals?"
"I think manipulation is an awfully harsh word, Kurt, but if by that you mean that I am combining the best interests of my friends with the best interests of the club to yield purely positive results for everyone involved, then yes."
"How exactly is getting dumped a positive result for Mike?"
"Well, see, I've actually thought of that as well. In order for our team members to be performing at their optimum level, they need to be satisfied in all aspects of their lives, including romance, which for a teenager is exceedingly important. So, if we can have as many as possible of the twelve members of our club paired off in a way that is beneficial and healthy, we will have a much better chance of winning Nationals."
Kurt cocked his head and squinted at her, vaguely terrified. "It's like Satan's matchmaker," he murmured, realizing that she had in no way answered his question.
"What was that?" Rachel asked sharply.
"Wait, so is this why Puck shaved off his mohawk and keeps carrying Quinn's books? You've gotten to him too with your insane plan?"
"It's not insane, and Noah was quite receptive to my idea. He wants Quinn back, and I think Quinn would like him back as well, even if she can't admit it yet. It's a nice symmetry to the way we started sophomore year, too. The partners of our messy love square will have all shifted and everyone will be happier." Rachel was smiling and Kurt wondered just how much thought she had put into this plan, and also when he became inconsequential in what had been a love pentagon, thank you very much.
"So where does this leave Sam?"
Rachel waved her hand dismissively. "Sam is the quarterback, he's a jock. I'm sure he'll find another Cheerio to date. He's new to the group and seems to be the least codependent, I can't waste my valuable time and energy trying to find him a suitable girlfriend. I do not believe this will have a negative impact on his performance."
Kurt decided that debating ethics with the girl who led her competition to a crack den would be fairly fruitless, so he let it slide and instead mentally ticked through the remaining glee members. "So Puck and Quinn, you and Finn, Tina and Artie, I'm assuming you'll leave Santana and Brittany to continue their relationship," Rachel nodded and he continued, "so what about Mercedes?"
"Oh, well I hadn't really thought about that. She seems to enjoy being single, and this is really more about solving the romantic entanglements that we already have than creating new ones...but I suppose we can try to set her up with Sam!" Rachel amended quickly, noticing the murderous look on Kurt's face.
"No, not Sam, she says he's too 'vanilla,' whatever that means. How about Mike Chang? They seem to have a nice chemistry on the dance floor." Kurt rubbed his chin thoughtfully, contemplating the best romantic partner for his friend.
"No! Not Mike, I have...other plans for him," Rachel said cryptically.
"What kind of other plans?" Kurt asked suspiciously. When Rachel didn't immediately respond he felt his stomach sink. "You know, we need him for choreography, and he is our twelfth member, so whatever it is you're thinking about doing-"
"I'm not going to kill him or anything," Rachel interrupted exasperatedly. "I just think I know of someone who would be better suited for Mike's interests." Kurt pursed his lips and fixed her with his best death glare, which he'd been getting a lot of mileage out of this year, but Rachel didn't back down. Unsurprising, but still disappointing, that she would've grown immune to intense loathing.
"Fine. But if you want my help, we're going to have to expand this to include Mercedes. My girl is not going to be the only one without a dance partner when we get to Nationals. Got it?" Rachel was looking at him with wide, hopeful eyes that made Kurt extremely nervous.
"You're-you want to help me?"
"Only because this is going to backfire spectacularly, and I want front row tickets to the fall-out."
Rachel practically launched herself at him, her tiny arms encircling his waist. "Are we done with this display of affection now?" he asked tersely. "New rule: no hugging. Ever. I don't need to find out if polyester if contagious."
Pulling back, Rachel fixed him with a huge, blinding smile that he knew one day would be staring back at him from hundreds of magazines. "This is going to be perfect."
This was going to be a complete and utter disaster.
xxxXXXxxx
Two days later Kurt found himself examining the insides of what appeared to be a giant shrine to his arch-nemesis disguised as an unassuming suburban house.
"Is this one of your diapers?" he asked disgustedly.
"Oh yes, Daddy preserved and framed my first one. Come on, I've made cookies, let's go to my room." Kurt followed, trying his best to eradicate the image of the gold starred diaper from his mind for all of eternity.
"Now, Puck is set to serenade Quinn later this week, he just needs a proper song. Obviously we can't leave such an important decision up to him, as his musical taste consists of Nickleback and Blink 182, so I've called you over to help me sift through some Broadway classics."
A tiny part of him was slightly mollified that Rachel Berry would trust his music taste, then he reminded himself that of course she would, his taste was impeccable.
"I unfortunately don't know much about Quinn's favorite songs, but I'm sure that we can find a romantic song that appeals to nearly everyone."
"Love has Come of Age, Jekyll and Hyde," Kurt said automatically. In response to Rachel's surprise he added, "I lent her some Broadway CDs over the summer to expand her musical horizons beyond the Spice Girls. She was humming Lisa's part for weeks. And it should be in Puck's wheelhouse."
Rachel smiled that crazy-wide grin that always reminded Kurt of the Cheshire Cat (who, incidentally, used to give him nightmares as well) and clapped her hands. "Perfect! I'll send Noah the sheet music tonight. That was even easier than I thought it'd be."
They sat for a few moments in awkward silence while Rachel picked at her vegan cookie and Kurt looked around the bedroom trying to find a single non-hideous aspect of it. He failed dismally, but didn't take it too personally as he'd narrowly avoided being permanently blinded by her trophy case.
"Well, I guess if we're finished you don't have to stay," Rachel said, eyes averted.
"We're not finished. We still haven't figured out whose going to be Mercedes' new boyfriend. Don't forget your end of the bargain."
"Of course not! That may take a while...if you like you could stay for dinner? My dads would love to meet more of my fellow glee-clubbers." She's looking at him with that same puppy dog look that Finn used on him whenever he wanted to play x-Box in the basement and Kurt rolled his eyes. His dad had promised he was bringing home pizza that night, and Rachel was a vegan, surely she'd have more edible food in her house.
Plus, he was admittedly curious to meet the infamous Two Gay Dads who had frightened Finn so badly he refused to do anything more than peck Rachel on the cheek for a week. (And what a blissful, Fanny Bryce free week it had been, Kurt reminisced fondly.)
"Just let me call my dad and let him know I'm spending the afternoon at a friend's house." For some reason he didn't understand she looked like she was thinking about hugging him again, so Kurt quickly excused himself to the next room, which was covered wall-to-wall in Rachel's art projects, ages 3-9.
"All right," he said a few minutes later, after making sure that his father would not indulge in Cinnastix, no matter how good of a deal it may be, "explain to me again why Mike Chang is off the market?"
"Because he's on reserve," she replied matter-of-factly.
Kurt looked at her shrewdly. "You like him don't you? You're going to dump Finn and start dating Mike, that's why you're doing this, isn't it?" Rachel was protesting very loudly, but Kurt spoke over her. "This explains so much, you guys practically hump each other on the dance floor."
"We most certainly do not!" Rachel exclaimed shrilly.
"Oh, Mercedes is going to freak out when she hears about this. Tina's going to be awfully mad at you. Though, I suppose that frees up Finn. I doubt 'Cedes would have much patience for his, ah, less mature antics long-term, but he could do wonders to boost her popularity in the school hierarchy..."
"Kurt! I am not dumping Finn for Mike!" Kurt jerked out of his reverie, slightly disappointed. "I just happen to know somebody who would make a very good match for Mike, but I need to keep it a secret for it to work. Can we please move on from this?"
Kurt sighed, but nodded his assent.
"You know what might work, though it would mean undoing a good deal of my previous work..." Rachel muttered thoughtfully. "Quinn and Mercedes became awfully close when they were living together, didn't they?"
Kurt stared at her, slack-jawed. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Of course that would leave Puck out in the cold, but I have noticed a certain chemistry between him and Sam since the beginning of this year..."
"You are not turning glee club into a giant gay orgy!"
"I would think you, of all people, would have the least objection-"
"Rachel!" Huffing moodily, she blew a lock of hair out of her face.
"Fine. But I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas."
"That's because I'm too busy trying to cleanse my mind after the image of Puck and Sam cuddling together, reading the Sunday paper."
"Oh! What about James from the jazz band? I saw him play Radames when I took Finn to a community theater production of Aida a few months ago, he has a magnificent voice."
"You are aware that there are other, some would say more effective, measures of compatibility besides singing ability, right?" Kurt said skeptically.
Rolling her eyes, Rachel added, "He's also built like an Adonis."
Kurt smiled. "Much better."
"I obviously already tried to recruit him, but he was unreceptive to my attempts to ingratiate him," Kurt snorted but she ignored him. "And we don't want to add a new member so close to Nationals, it would give us at an odd number and completely throw off the choreography. However, if we managed to get him and Mercedes together, would that fulfill my end of the bargain?"
"Perfectly." He was already imagining the shopping trips and manicures Mercedes was going to owe him when she found out he'd sacrificed an entire afternoon to Rachel Berry in order to find her an acceptable beau.
"Now, I think the bulk of our plan will go down on Thursday, when Puck serenades Quinn. So tomorrow you should talk to Mike, planting the seeds of doubt about his relationship with Tina. Mention how you've noticed her sending Artie longing looks in glee rehearsals, how they had the quintessential teen romance, how you think he could do so much better than her."
"Wait, why am I the one talking to Mike?"
"Because I said so, and this was my idea. Meanwhile, I will be singing Artie's praises to Tina, about how much more mature he's gotten, how much better he treats women now. And Artie's set to make his move directly after Puck. By the end of glee on Thursday the relational dynamics of our club will be back where they belong, and all broken hearts will be mended."
"Except for Mike's and Sam's, that is."
Rachel glared at him, slightly deflated. "Would you stop pretending you have any sort of moral high ground here?"
He opened his mouth to argue before deciding that she may have a point. "This is still going to end in disaster," he said instead, examining his nail bed.
"No it's not," Rachel replied confidently. "Unlike you, my ideas always go according to plan."
Say what you will about him, but Kurt was pretty sure he was at least more self-aware than Rachel Berry.
xxxXXXxxx
"Puck, Sam, nurse's office, now! Finn, you go with them, make sure they don't start attacking each other again. Artie, Mike, I'm taking you to Ms. Pilsbury's office for a nice long chat about honesty and trust in relationships, and also what is and isn't appropriate to do with a wheelchair. Tina, I believe Ms. P has some pamphlets on celibacy if you were serious about that. The rest of you, you're dismissed for the day."
"Well that went well," Kurt observed, straightening his jacket and watching Finn forcibly keeping the other two jocks apart, though at this point it was alarmingly unclear whether they were trying to beat each other up or make out.
Rachel didn't reply, and Kurt wasn't about to miss an opportunity to gloat, so he slid down to a seat adjacent to hers. "Looks like your plan backfired after all."
"On the contrary," she finally answered, turning to face him with wide, bright eyes, and a smile forming on her lips. Kurt was suddenly wary again.
"I beg your pardon? Puck nearly took Sam's eye out, and Tina just vowed off of men entirely. We'll be lucky if they can all stand to be in the same room together at Nationals, much less date each other."
Rachel waved her hand dismissively. "Yes, but it has just occurred to me. Some of the most inspired duets that Finn and I performed came prior to our relationship. Sexual tension is a wonderful asset in music. This could be just the angle we need to win Nationals!"
There was a loud crash followed by angry shouting and the unmistakable sound of fist hitting flesh down the hallway; evidently Finn had lost his hold on Puck.
Kurt backed towards the door slowly. "You're actually a little insane, aren't you?"
"How stable would you say Brittany and Santana's relationship is?"