A/N: If I haven't mentioned it before I think I have a bit of OCD…my current obsession seems to be songfic. Trying something different this time…something from Sam's POV. Reviews are sunshine in my otherwise dreary day! As always, don't own them…just wish I did.
Warnings: Spoilers for Season 5, including Swan Song. Implied character death.
Life is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back
Meatloaf
(CD: Bat Out of Hell II – Back Into Hell)
I want my money back.
I want my money back.
It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about
It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back
Sam often thought that if he didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all. He tried, God knows he did, but things just never seemed to work out the way he intended them to. He'd tried to be the dutiful son, follow in his father's footsteps, but that just led to arguments and hateful words. He tried to leave, have a normal life, and that led to disaster. Normal was never going to be in his vocabulary and his attempt at grabbing onto some form of normalcy had only resulted in another death of another innocent. He would never forgive himself for not having protected Jess… never.
He tried to be angry. He tried to seek revenge as his father had taught him. So far all he had managed to do was drive a wedge between himself and Dean. He would never understand how Dean and his father could live this way, holding all of the pain and anger inside. Dean had tried to show him his way, "kill all the evil sons of bitches" he could get his hands on. Even his first attempt at that had almost gotten Dean killed. His only saving grace was that the Wendigo stored their food instead of eating it immediately.
He'd gotten better at it. Fighting and killing relieved some of the tension but nothing would ever alleviate the guilt. Nothing would ever remove the hole in his heart or the nightmares that wracked his sleep. Thankfully there would always be another demon or vampire or some other evil bastard out there waiting for the Winchester brand of justice. One thing you could say about evil, it never took a day off.
He wasn't naïve. Sure, he may have been once in his life, not even that long ago really. But, after Stanford…after Jess…he had no illusions about the real world. White picket fences and kids in the backyard were lies that parents told children to make them believe that the world was a place worth living in. He knew the truth, he had seen the reality of what was out there, in the dark…waiting. He wished he could go back to being blind to the truth but those days were long over.
And all the morons
And all the stooges with their poems
They're the ones who make the rules
It's not a game it's just a rout
There's desperation
There's desperation in the air
It leaves a stain on all your clothes
And no detergent gets it out
And we're always slipping through the cracks
And the movie's over fade to black
Life is a lemon and I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
For awhile he thought they should tell people the truth. It was wrong to hide the danger from the world. Wouldn't it be safer for everyone if they knew what was out there and how to protect themselves? But he had seen how well that plan worked. People didn't want to see the real world. They were happy to live their lives with their blinders on. It was obvious to any hunter who had a passing education in children's literature that there were people out there that knew the truth. The Brothers Grimm had certainly given their best effort to the cause, even if people treated their warnings as scary stories to frighten children into behaving.
Even law enforcement, the people who dedicated their lives to helping the innocent, just as he and his brother did, never believed them. Their support would have made life a whole lot easier but instead they were forced to live outside the lines, making up their own rules in a game that they were not welcome to play. He couldn't begin to count the times that they had made it out of a town just seconds ahead of the cops. With their records there would never be a way for them to go back to living in the "normal" world, regardless of the fact that they had earned those records protecting that "normal" world.
And now? Now the apocalypse was imminent. It was their fault that the battle between Heaven and Hell had begun..who was he kidding? It wasn't their fault, it was his fault. Chalk up one more for the best laid plans of Sam Winchester. Now, Lucifer was walking the earth and he wanted to wear Sam like the latest Paris fashion. He supposed that meant that the old saying was true after all, his road was certainly, irrevocably leading to Hell regardless of his good intentions. Unfortunately, it had begun to look as if he would be taking the rest of humanity along for the ride. He couldn't let that happen, no matter what he had to do to stop it. He knew that when the end came it would be his sacrifice that would set things straight again; only he could stop the threat of the destruction of the world…he only hoped that Dean could see that.
What about love?
It's defective
It's always breaking in half.
What about sex?
It's defective
It's never built to never really last.
Unlike his brother he had dared to love in his lifetime. He had lost his love to the same evil that had taken his mother but at least he had experienced it. It was no wonder that he considered love and heartbreak to be intrinsically linked. Everyone he had ever loved had been taken away…everyone but Dean…and because of his own mistakes he had even lost Dean once. After Jess he closed off his heart to love. It was too hard to let the spark of hope take hold only to lose another piece of his soul when the next person he cursed with his love was taken away.
He had watched his brother drown his emotions in meaningless sex for years. Dean had closed off his heart long before Sam and had learned to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh as strictly entertainment. With their lifestyle it wasn't hard to be out of town before the heat of passion cooled. But…after knowing what it meant to experience sex and love together Sam couldn't bring himself to cheapen that memory with a barrage of one night stands. His brother might tease him mercilessly about the "lack of notches on his bedpost" but the ones he did have meant more to him than the hundreds Dean had acquired ever could.
What about your family?
It's defective
All the batteries are shot.
What about your friends?
They're defective
All the parts are out of stock.
The only thing he had left to fight for was Dean. Dean was his only family; mother, father and brother all rolled together. More than that, Dean was his best friend. When he couldn't take the sadness any longer it was Dean's shoulder he cried on. When, by some miraculous intervention, he found something to be happy about it was Dean he shared his joy with. When he was hurt it was Dean he turned to for comfort. And, when it was time to make this final sacrifice, it would be Dean he was saving.
There were no two closer people on the planet. Sure they had friends, some anyway. There was Bobby, but then he was more family now then friend. They had lost so many, Ellen, Jo, Ash…he couldn't bear to finish the list. Being a friend to the Winchester boys wasn't exactly going to get your insurance premiums reduced. And so, in the end, it was always the two of them, just the two of them. Dysfunctional as they may be as a family, he would dare anyone to find any two people who were more devoted to each other. When your brother was all you had left in the world it wasn't surprising to find that every breath you took in was mirrored by one he let out and that the thought of either of you ever having to breathe alone was unbearable.
What about hope?
It's defective
It's corroded and decayed.
What about faith?
It's defective
It's tattered and it's frayed.
What about your gods?
Their defective
They forgot the warranty.
What about your town?
It's defective
It's a dead end street to me.
He knew that his brother had lost his faith, if he had ever had any to begin with, but he couldn't stop himself from holding out hope that God would intervene. After all, He had sent them an angel to watch over them and protect them. Ok, if he was going to be honest, He had sent an angel to watch over and protect Dean. The Holy Warrior of the Lord in the London Fog overcoat had taken a great deal of convincing to believe that he wasn't evil personified. Gaining the trust of an angel from Heaven wasn't exactly easy when you had the blood of a demon running through your veins.
But now…even Castiel had given up hope that God would take a hand in the war. It appeared as if he had finally given up on his creation. In his heart though, Sam believed in the mercy and love of God. There had to be a balance to all of the evil in the world. Call him an optimist but he had to believe that everything they had done…everything they had been through had had some meaning. Sam believed that God had given his only Son to protect humanity and now, it seemed that he was asking for a sacrifice of equal measure from the Winchesters. If his plan worked, if his sacrifice proved to God that the world was worth saving…then he was willing to make it...maybe then He would return and help in the cleanup effort.
What about your school?
It's defective
It's a pack of useless lies.
What about your work?
It's defective
It's a crock and then you die.
What about your childhood?
It's defective
It's getting buried in the past.
What about your future?
It's defective
You can shove it up your ass.
Sam was ready. He had done the best he could with his life and could only hope that it was enough. For him there was no future, he knew that. He had put on a great show for Dean. He had almost convinced himself that he was strong enough to win this battle. But, the reality was, he was just a man and a man held little hope against a fallen angel. He was ready to take action; every moment of his life had led up to this. Looking back now he could clearly see the path that he had been set on the moment that the demon had first given him blood. He now understood why his father had never felt that formal education was important. He had known that, for Sam, the only education that mattered was the one that prepared him for this decision. He no longer begrudged his father the childhood he had never had. He could see now that his father was, in his own way, providing the only love and support he knew how; giving Sam a chance to make it to this moment.
Ohhhhhhh I want my money back
Life is a lemon
I want my money back
Life is a lemon
Life is a lemon
It's all or nothing
And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back
And we're always slipping through the cracks
And the movie's over fade to black
Life is a lemon and I want my money back
Back…back…back….baaaaccckkkk
There was no more time for talk. No more time for regret and apology. No more time to try and show his brother how much he meant to him. The curtain was coming down on this scene and the final line left to be said belonged to Sam. He had always wanted to prove to his brother that he was grown up, could take care of himself, could stand on his own…but in this moment all he really wanted was to hold his big brother's hand like he did when he was small and afraid. He took one last look at Dean, still there, still supporting him even as that support was eating away at his heart. He could see the pain in his brother's eyes and prayed that he kept his promise. If there was still a God out there he would hear that prayer and make sure that Dean kept it. Sam knew that with him gone Dean would need someone else to breathe with and he hoped that Lisa would fill that void. It was the only way he could see to make sure that Dean didn't let this life end him as well.
He took one step forward, looking Lucifer straight in the eyes. "I want to say Yes".