Title: Dirt Brown and the Seven Dugongs
Rating: K+ for...swearing, sort of.
Pairings: None…maybe Sanji/Usopp, considering the roles.
Summary: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, OP style!
Notes: No racial slurs, racism, or anything offensive meant. It's humor, and really. Usopp's skin is brown to begin with, and if I changed it to white, I think that'd be more of a racial slur, no? Also, I'm terribly sorry if they come over a little OOC. I tried to keep them in character, but in order to progress with the story, sometimes they slipped.

Disclaimer: One Piece and this particular version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves belong to Eiichiro Oda and the Brothers Grimm respectively. Nothing is mine, except maybe the horrendous twists I may or may not put into the story.

Once upon a time, there was a queen by the name of Luffy. Gentle was she, and with a voracious appetite. She gave birth to a little daughter named Usopp. Her skin was as brown as the dirt on the ground, plump lips as thick as one's pinkie, and a nose as long as the pine trees were tall.

However, Queen Luffy soon became bored of married life and decided to embark on a grand adventure to find One Piece, a rumoured treasure. King Robin, relieved at her departure, quickly took on a new queen. The new queen was proud and cruel and beautiful, and being something of an engineer, had a wondrous magic automotive mirror she looked into every day. She only had one question to ask of it.

"Chopper-bro, how SUUPERR am I this week?"

Chopper would always giggle and reply, "Of course, very super, Queen Franky."

Queen Franky took no notice of the years as they passed. One day, she once again asked Chopper, "Chopper-bro, how SUUPERR am I this week?"

Chopper giggled and replied, "Queen Franky, you're still very super! But Princess Usopp is EPICALLY SUPER!"

In rage and envy, Queen Franky summoned one of her huntsmen.

"Brook! You are to take Usopp into the forest and kill her! Bring her heart back to me so I may know you have completed the deed!"

"Yohohoho, very well! But first, may I see your panties?"

The huntsman took the princess deep into the forest and drew his sword, telling her she must die. Just as he was raising his sword however, Usopp reached into a small pocket and flung something in his face.

"Tokusei Tabasco Boshi!" she cried, and fled from him. Brook, loathe to go back empty-handed (for there were panties to be seen if he succeeded!) caught and killed a wild boar and presented its heart to the wicked queen.

The forest appeared dark and terrible to Usopp, and just approaching it, she could feel her 'I-can't-go-into-forests-or-I'll-die' disease welling up. But she forged ahead, using her arsenal of ketchup and smoke screen stars. Soon, night fell and exhaustion nipped at the heels of the princess. Usopp stumbled forward blindly; "I will probably die in this forest," she told herself.

"Do not fear! Surely there is civilization just beyond those trees, Usopp-kun!" Sogehime berated. Taking another step, she pushed forward, and suddenly found herself in a large clearing with a cottage in it. The cottage was neat and tidy, with a table set with seven plates, seven mugs (one was oddly large), and a basket of bread. Usopp was so hungry that he ate all the bread, and fell asleep on one of the seven beds lining the wall.

The cottage belonged to a group of Kung-fu Dugongs, who went off every day to go exercise and practice by a stream. Upon returning that day, they stared in shock at Usopp, lying asleep on one of their beds. "Who in the hell?" they asked.

When Usopp woke up, and found seven Kung-fu Dugongs staring at her, she was frightened. "I am the Princess Usopp! I have 8000 men waiting outside at my call, so you better run away while you can!"

"We just came from outside," the eldest Dugong stated flatly. "And since you ate our food, you need to pay for it! It shouldn't be a problem, right, Princess?"

"A…ah? My wicked stepmother…"

"Oh? You can't?" Nami said sweetly. "Then you can stay here and take care of us, wash our clothes, and cook our meals until you've repaid your debt."

And so Usopp became their housekeeper. He soon grew to realize the odd quirks of the Kung-fu Dugongs. They awoke and left at sunrise, not returning until evening, at which point the youngest Dugong, Zoro, would consume mug after mug of ale. Nami would hole up in a corner and calculate their supplies.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Queen Franky had realized that Usopp was still alive. In a rage, she lashed out and destroyed half the palace with a vindictive Coup de Vent. She went immediately to a secret room below ground and used her skills to modify herself into an old peddler woman and took with her a basket of interesting devices into the forest.

When she came to the Dugongs' cottage, she invited Usopp to experiment with some of the devices. Once Usopp had turned her attention to the gadgets, the queen used Strong Hammer to hit her on the head so hard, she immediately fell limp as if dead.

That day, the Dugongs returned early, and rushed over upon seeing Usopp lying on the ground. Nami reached out and slapped Usopp several times. Soon, Usopp had recovered from the blow (albeit a bit puffy in the face).

"That peddler woman was the wicked queen," Nami said. "Stay away from her! You can't go back until you fully repay your debt! Also, I'm adding on another 10,000 beli for letting that witch into our house."

Queen Franky was livid when she found out Usopp was still alive. "What amazing resilience! This time I will succeed!" She quickly prepared a golden apple, filling one half with deadly poison. She took it out to the cottage, crying out, "The Golden Apple of Immortality! One bite will lend you a lifetime! Two bites will lend you immortality!" When Queen Franky saw Usopp leaning out the window, interest lighting up his eyes, she held up the apple.

"Oh no, I couldn't," Usopp protested. "Nami would kill me for spending so much."

"Then catch!" shouted the engineer. "I will take a bite myself to show you it is safe!" She bit into the half that did not contain the poison. Usopp caught the apple, took a bite, and instantly fell to the floor. Sure that Usopp was now dead, Queen Franky returned to the palace, congratulating himself by periodically posing and yelling, "SUUPERR!!"

That night, the seven Dugongs returned and found Usopp lying seemingly dead on the floor.

"Oh no," Nami cried. "Who's going to pay back the debt now?"

"Bill the palace," the youngest Dugong, Zoro, suggested. "Send her back with a letter and a bill."

"Moron! Where would we find such a large container?" Nami snapped.

"Cut her up into pieces," Zoro grunted.

It just so happened that a handsome young prince came riding by at that moment. He saw Nami arguing heatedly with Zoro and instantly strode over to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head. "Don't yell at a lady like that!" He spotted Usopp. "And what is the matter with this young lady?"

"She's de—fuck!" Zoro scowled at Nami, rubbing the spot where her foot had violently made contact with his leg. Nami quickly stepped in front of Zoro and told Sanji of Usopp's situation, fibbing about the debt.

"Aah. What misfortune!" Sanji swept Usopp up bridal style, and handed her to one of his men. "I shall take her back to my kingdom with me, and repay her debt for her. Nothing is too great for a lady!"

As his men lifted Usopp onto a horse, one of them stumbled, and the piece of poisonous apple lodged in Usopp's throat fell out of her mouth. She opened her eyes and shrieked.

"Villain! Witch! Tamago Bo-bo-sh-sh-shii…eh?" Usopp paused in her flailing. "She's…not here?"

Overjoyed, Sanji told her of his love for her. And his solution to her problems. The very next day, they left for his kingdom, and they lived happily ever after.

When Queen Franky heard about the wedding, she exploded in a large Coup de Boo and was never seen again.

Brook was quite happy to see (somewhat charred) panties falling from the sky.

Comments, suggestions, reviews much appreciated. :D Next up is Semsi Mountain.