This is heavy self loathing tbh.

originally posted of archiveofourown under my username 'problembacteria'.

The dread in your chest feels like a rock, and you want nothing more then just to stay in bed all day. The sun shining through the curtains of your room however, won't allow that. With a groan, you force yourself up, leaving the warmth and security of your bed.

It's been like this for a while. Sometimes you wonder if you're still human. It's a weird feeling that you wouldn't wish on anyone else, but day after day of this ache in your bones and this emptiness in your chest has been draining. You've been teetering on the edge of security and uncertainty for too long, but no matter how many books and blog posts suggesting how to cope actually stops this feeling.

So you just deal with it.

It's hard. You'll admit it. You still smile like you have before, you get all your work done, you keep your house clean and bills paid. It's like nothing has changed from when you first came to Japan. But jesus you just want to lock all your doors, close all your curtains and have no one look for you because of just how tired you are.

You don't really want to die. You just want to stop existing.

This can't be normal, you think. Or maybe it is and you're just too weak to deal with it. You feel like a failure and you hate that you just accept it now. You push your hair away from your face and take a deep breath. You just have to get today over with. You just have to do it. Get it over with. You'll be fine.

You stretch your legs and get up.

You're a police officer in Tokyo. You take the subway to work every morning at six in the morning, and you've never been late in your life. It's one of the few things you feel is important. And once one thing fails...everything follows. So, It's important you don't miss your ride to work.

Or at least, that's what you tell yourself.

Kira, Kira, Kira. It's all over the news, it's what everyone is talking about, and a major pain in the ass for law enforcement. You lean back in your seat with a sigh. Almost every criminal who is brought in is crying, sobbing, begging that it's a mistake; that they're not a criminal. Which is normal, having people cry over being arrested. But lately, that's all it is.

Normally, people would be mad, sad, anxious, silent, a full range of emotions for each person. But being arrested now a days means you die, no matter your crime. A lot of the people you used to work with no longer make small talk with anyone. A lot of people quit.

It's a guilt that previously as police officers you could come to terms with. Some people that you arrest may be in jail for the rest of their lives depending on their crime.

Now, by arresting them, you're killing them.

At least, that's what you think. But regardless, you press on. If you change your routine, if you change the one thing you're good at-who will you be?

This police station is one of the few things that can remind you that you're alive, that people need you and that your work doesn't go unnoticed.

Or maybe that's just your excuse for being too much of a coward to quit.

"[Name]-san, we're heading out. The night shift should be coming in a few hours. You mind taking care of the place? Yuri is still at the front desk." A co-worker asks, already putting on his jacket. You glance at him and nod your head, saying that it's fine and to take care. "Thanks, you take care too."

And now you're alone in the office. You finished your paperwork awhile ago, but you don't mind staying. Getting payed to do nothing? Why not?

You glance at your finished paper work once more, lingering at the names and the crimes. Once you turn those papers in...they'll be put in the police database. Kira will be able to find them. It sucks. It really does. You have to turn those in, because withholding the criminals names from the public is just as dangerous, if not more, than being honest.

You keep telling yourself that you're just doing your job. You're just doing what you have to do. What else could you do? You have no power over this situation. You have no alternatives to this, you're not really good at anything else. And you've always wanted to be a cop! You wanted to be good. You wanted to help others but you can't help but feel that you're the one whose killing these people.

You should have stayed home. You should have never left your hometown. You should have never wanted to be a cop. What a stupid dream, to think that you alone could make a difference.

Everyone wants to make a difference, what makes you do different? Why are you so full of yourself to think that you're allowed to feel happy? That you're allowed to have any achievements?

Selfish. Stupid. Idiot.

You're destined to be a minor character in your own life. Why can't you just accept that?

The tip of your nose starts to tingle, as if it's going numb. Your throat feels raw all of a sudden, too. You furrow your eyebrows and try to take a deep breath, but it comes out ragged. You gulp and bit your lip. Closing your eyes for a second, you try to focus.

Over Dramatic, attention seeking, annoying-

You feel your face heat up and your breath stutter. Your heart feels like it's about to beat out of your chest and all of a sudden with no warning you felt like you just jumped into the deep end of a pool and you never learned how to swim.

You feel the tips of your fingers tingle, just like your nose. Wait-are you hyperventilating now?

You try to count and match your breathing up with it, but to no avail. What was the point of reading how to calm down if you can't follow a basic breathing practice?

You feel stupid, you have a home, you have a job, why are you like this? Why aren't you happy? What's the use in feeling like this? You've tried to just ignore it, you want to be useful, you want to be good at one thing and you can't even be good at the one thing.

You just want to do your job.

You just want to do the one thing that you felt like you should want to do.

After all these years,

You realize that you're not allowed to have a dream.

You feel a sob caught in your throat, and your throat feels raw. But tears refused to fall. Not here, god not here. You need to leave, the chances of Yuri hearing are too high and you can't have anyone know. They'll tell you exactly what you've been telling yourself. That you shouldn't be crying, that you have so much and you have no reason to feel unhappy.

But as you try to stand up, you're legs could barely support yourself. Shaky. You fall back into your chair.

You feel so cold. Of course you'd be cold, you scold yourself. You're hyperventilating because you can't control yourself. You can't breath. Like any basic human could.

"Ah, really? Thanks!" You hear a voice from the waiting room of the police station. Is someone talking to Yuri? Maybe it's just someone asking for directions. Only police officers can come back into the offices anyways.

However, you hear footsteps come closer.

You need to leave. Hide in the bathrooms. Something. But if you try to get up again you'll fall.

You bite your lip, trying not to make a sound. Maybe if you just keep your head down and pretend to do paperwork, then they won't notice you. Yeah, that makes sense.

You don't hear anything for a little. It feel likes it's been forever, but you know it's only been a minute or too. You've been holding your breath, knowing that you wouldn't be able to control it normally.

"{Name}? Is that you?! I haven't seen you in forever! I mean, It's probably because I haven't been at the station in a while, but still! I didn't expect you to be here. Are you working the night shift?"

Fuck. You know him.

"It's probably been crazy around here, right? I would expect more people working, honestly." He says, laughing a bit, not yet noticing your state.

Play it cool. You can do this.

You open your mouth to respond, "Yeah-" You voice wavered, and you were reminded that yeah, you were just on the verge of tears a minute ago.

"...{Name}, Are you alright?" He asked in a concerned tone. You could tell he took a few steps closer to your desk, but your head was low enough and covered by your arm that he couldn't see your face.

What do you say? What could you say?

"I'm fine, just," You try to take a breath as quietly as you could, but you knew the minute you tried that he heard just how quiet you sounded that he wasn't going to by it. "Tired. Working late, like you said."

You suddenly felt his presence right behind you. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You face felt hot once again, and tears where threatening to fall again. You were so close to just getting over it. But you just had to respond. You had to try and talk and now it's all worthless and he's going to find out how pathetic you are and that you're just a child who can't do anything right and-

"{Name}, I need you to just breath for a second, okay?" You hear him talk in a low voice, trying not to alert you or threaten you. But it just made you feel like shit.

He was kneeling by your chair and was looking up at your face.

"What's going on? Do you want to talk?" His face was honest, he didn't look like he was mad or disappointed...but you still couldn't help but feel like he was. You shake your head no, you don't want to talk. He made a sound of confirmation. "Do you want me to stay?"

What kind of question was that? Like you could answer that honestly. You've known Matsuda since attending the police academy, you've never been best friends, but you were a friend, nonetheless. However, since getting a job at the same station, you actually saw less of him. You were always assigned different assignments, his usually directly supervised by the chief due to his... almost naive outlook.

"{Name}, can you hear me? I need you to stay with me and tell me what you need." You were snapped back to reality, you let your mind drift again. He was worried. And that made you feel like shit. He shouldn't have to deal with you. He probably came here for something important. You remember that he was one of the few people who stayed on the Kira case with the chief. He was working with L, and you're wasting his time.

What if people got mad at him because of you? What if he's kicked off the case because you can't take care of yourself- "{Name}" He reminds again, in a voice more stern than the last. Oh no, was he mad at you? Of course he would be anyone would be, "do you want me to get someone?"

You quickly widen your eyes with a look almost like terror and shake your head. "S-sorry! I'm annoying you, you don't have to deal with me, I'm f-" You quickly ramble out in panic.

"Breath, [name], it's fine. You're not annoying." He says, his voice completely opposite of yours " Tell me what I can do to help, please."

You gulp. "I-I don't know. I'm sorry." Talking just made it worse, because you know for a fact now that tears are rolling down your cheeks. You want to curl up and die. You want to go home. You breath get's more ragged.

"Tell me what not to do, then." He says.

You take a breath and try to open your mouth to respond but instead a sob broke out. You couldn't stop crying. It just broke, all your control.

You try to cover your mouth with your hands but it's more difficult then you thought it would be, after hyperventilating so much they went numb and cold. You could see Matsuda furrow his eyebrows in distress, not wanting to see you like this and just not knowing what to do in general.

In a swift movement, you felt his arms wrap around you. He was much warmer than you. His hug wasn't too tight, leaving you enough room to breath, but enough pressure to let you know that he wasn't going to leave.

"I've got you, {name}, It's okay. You're safe. Breath with me, okay?"

"See, you're already doing better."

"Are you cold? Can I give you my jacket?"

"Do you want me to get you water?" "No? It's alright. I'm not leaving. Keep breathing, okay? You're doing so well."

Later, 30 minutes before the night shift came, you were able to talk to Matsuda. Not much though, you're throat was still aching. You were able to tell him thank you, however.

He offered to drive you home instead of having to take the subway. You nod and say thank you again.

When he dropped you off though, he quickly gave you his number. "Please call me when you're feeling like this again, okay? We can just talk about mundane things to take your mind off of whatever's bothering you! You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but you can if you want" He says sheepishly.

"I really admire you, [name]. Remember that?"

When you got home and locked the door behind you, you could stop thinking over how kind Matsuda is. You look at the number he wrote down.

He just...really cared.

It was nice knowing that someone was there for you.