Summary: Some dreams are not meant to be.
Alec marries Lydia and Magnus doesn't come to stop him.
I know I already did one of these, it's just as sad, in a way it might even be worse.
"This is not a fairytale!" Alec yelled at Izzy.
She stepped back, startled at Alec's outburst.
"Alec..." She tried.
"No, Izzy. This it the real world and there are no happily ever afters. Not for men like me." Alec sighed softly as he sat down and hung his head, looking down at the ground.
Izzy sat next to him and put her hand on his shoulder.
Alec looked at her with tears in his eyes, "Men like me are lucky if they die in battle and are remembered for what they protected rather than what they didn't do."
"What about being happy?" Izzy asked softly.
"Men like me don't get to be happy, Iz, I've come to accept that, and I would never be able to forgive myself if Magnus was hurt just for liking me."
Izzy opened her mouth but Alec interrupted.
"You and I both know the Clave would go out of their way to make things difficult for him, maybe even kill him. And I can't... I can't let that happen, Izzy. Please, drop it, please, stop making my heart hurt by trying to get us together when we can't be." Alec let her pull him against her, "I'm marrying Lydia, promise me that you're going to stop."
Izzy looked at Alec with sad eyes and allowed her own tears to fall as Alec forced his back.
"I promise."
Izzy sat back on her heels as she pulled the small envelope from the box, she couldn't help her confusion as she stared at the name, a name she hadn't thought about in years.
'Magnus' was written on the front in her brother's neat handwriting but she could tell that it hadn't been sent.
The most confusing part for her was the tiny date where a stamp would have been, dated the day Alec had died.
Had it only been a week ago? Izzy thought. She sighed and started to look through the box, feeling her tears fall as she realized that it was just envelopes addressed to Magnus, all of them dated, going back years, back to when they were young and Clary had first joined them.
Without a care for ethics Izzy opened the one dated before all the others.
'Dear Magnus Bane, ' It began, 'This has to be the stupidest thing for me to do, to write down what I feel, what I want, if the Clave ever finds this...
'Never mind, that doesn't matter, I'm a coward and I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to find out what we could have been.'
Alec hadn't signed it.
Izzy was tempted to read the rest but she couldn't bring herself to defile Alec's privacy any further. She put the letter away and lifted the box.
"Hey, Clary?" She asked as she came down the stairs of Alec's house in Idris.
"Yeah?" Clary looked at Izzy.
"You still in touch with Magnus Bane?"
"Yeah, sort of, I can call Simon and he can talk to Raphael who still has dinner with him." Clary srugged. "Why?"
"I have something he should have."
"Oh?"
"It's silly." Izzy said as she set the box by the door and kissed her wife.
She had never thanked Alec enough for fighting the Clave's rules until it was no longer illegal for her to love and marry Clary.
When Alec had turned twenty-two he'd been offered a position in Idris and with Valentine and his son dead Alec had taken it, leaving the New York Institute to Jace and Izzy and Jace had never forgiven Alec for what Jace saw as abandoning them and hadn't spoken kindly to Alec since.
Jace hadn't even invited Alec to his wedding to Maia and Izzy knew how much that had hurt Alec.
Izzy had snuck Alec pictures and information about Jace and his family until Alec had died, she could still remember the tears of both joy and sadness when Alec had first seen the picture of Jace and his daughter.
Alec had kept every photo in a drawer in his desk and Izzy had caught him looking longingly at them before he put then away and closed the drawer.
Alec's own marriage to Lydia Branwell had been the envy of many Shadowhunters. Together the two had been unstoppable and had appeared very much in love. Izzy knew better, Lydia had been Alec's friend, his best friend after Jace stopped talking to him, and outwardly they had presented themselves as a perfect couple but behind closed doors Alec had slept in his office and Lydia in the Master bedroom.
And Izzy knew that the children Lydia had given birth to shared no blood with the man they called father and neither had ever acknowledged that even when they explained to the children that Alec wasn't related to them there had been no mention of the man who had sired them.
And the five children that Alec had raised had told him that it didn't matter that he wasn't blood, that he was still their father.
It was in part for them that Alec had spent the majority of last twenty-six years fighting to change the Clave and rewrite the laws.
Izzy remembered how terrified Alec's oldest son, Gideon, had been when they had come back from a hunt early and they had stumbled on the two fifteen year old boys kissing on the couch.
As Alec and Izzy had stared in surprise Alec's son had burst into tears and tried to promise that they would never do it again as long as Alec didn't hate him.
Izzy still remembered how gentle Alec had been as he sat next to Gideon and just hugged him close, pressing a soft kiss to his hair, she'd seen the tears in Alec's eyes and had felt sad herself as Alec whispered that he wasn't mad, that he still loved Gideon and that the other boy was no longer permitted to sleep over in Gideon's room with the door shut at any time.
Alec had promised that he would do every thing to protect the two boys if they wanted to pursue their relationship.
'The New York Institute turns a blind eye to personal relationships.' Alec had said, 'I could get you both sent there and Izzy would keep an eye on you.'
'Really, mom would agree to that?' Gideon had asked.
'Your safety comes first, you're not safe here, not loving a boy, you'd be safer away from here.' Alec had explained.
The two had nodded and Alec had arranged for them to leave when Izzy left Idris.
Jace had been pissed when he had found out what preluded then being sent to New York and Izzy hadn't been able to convince him that Alec was protecting them.
Alec hadn't been angry at what Jace thought of him, rather he was sad but every time Jace yelled at him for what he'd done Alec had ignored the hurtful words and kept working on the Clave and Laws, changing them or rewriting them until Alec could watch Izzy marry and mark Clary as hers in the Shadowhunter way and he had passed Gideon to his future husband wen they got married in a small ceremony, a larger one taking place after at the New York Institute as Alec wouldn't have been able to attend due to several meetings with the Vampires and Seelies.
Jace had assumed that Alec hadn't wanted to come.
Now Alec was gone, dead defending the Idris Shadowhunter academy, he was the only Shadowhunter to die and he'd only been there to see his youngest daughter, Vere, graduate.
Although Izzy had to be grateful that Vera was eighteen instead of younger, she knew that Alec would have worried about what would happen to her if she was younger even if they had plans set in place since Lydia had died six years ago.
And Izzy was sorting through the life Alec had resigned himself to, all the while fighting to change the Nephilim way to make them all equal, Downworlders and Shadowhunters alike, with a box of letters addressed to the High Warlock of Brooklyn waiting by the door.
Izzy knocked on the door to the loft apartment.
Magnus opened it with a wide smiled before he saw her and it faded as a slight sneer crossed his face.
"What do you want, Shadowhunter?"
"Here." Izzy said, shoving the box she held at him.
"What is this?" Magnus asked as he grunted slightly from the weight.
"They are addressed to you and I know Alec probably would want me to burn them but... I can't, so, they are yours, Magnus Bane."
Magnus watched Isabelle Lightwood walk away and closed his door, setting the box on his coffee table.
She had said Alec, Magnus sighed as he recalled the young Shadowhunter he'd flirted with years ago. After the boy married Magnus had put him from his mind, it wasno use wondering what might have been.
But now he had a box and as Magnus opened it Magnus saw it was a box of letters with his name on the envelopes, in, what Magnus assumed, Alec Lightwood's handwriting.
Magnus picked up the on on top. It was dated most recently, almost two weeks ago, and Magnus summoned his letter opener and opened it.
'Dear Magnus,' He read, 'I still don't know why I do this but... Hello. Today is Vere's graduation ceremony and I'm so proud of her. She and Antonio Roberts are going to open a place for newly turned wolves in the next few weeks, I can't remember in I told you that already and Gideon has been talking about adopting one of the Warlocks from the orphanage, an older on because apparently everyone would rather have the babies and he finds that heartbreaking.
'I'm not sure if John is coming, he hasn't come back to Idris since he graduated and Jace and Maggie are somewhere in India tracking down a Greater Demon so it'll likely just be me there for her.
'Jace is going to be there and I'm dreading it as always. It hurts, what he says, what they all say about me sending Gideon and his boyfriend, husband, I'm always forgetting that they are married now, to New York but I guess I'd rather them say bad things to me about me than hate any of my kids for being themselves.'
Magnus paused in his reading and thumbed over a circular spot that was slightly wrinkled, he frowned before realizing it was a tear mark. Alec had been crying as he wrote this letter.
'Today was the first time I saw you, do you remember? You kept flirting with me , you called me pretty boy and I... I wanted so much to be brave and take a chance to... It doesn't matter now, I guess, I was a coward then and I am still a coward now. Lydia has been gone six years and I am still only writing letters to you.
'You probably don't even remember me and I guess that's ... That's fine. It is, because it's not like I was ever important to you or anyone else really. How easily they all moved on, how easily Jace believed that I could hurt my son and send him because of who he loves.
'God, Magnus, how could he think that? I still wonder.
'I need to head out but thank you for listening even if you really aren't, this helps me, keeps me grounded enough to not join Lydia just yet.
'And I'm so sorry for being a coward, I think, maybe... I think I could have fallen in love with you. It is only in my deepest, most secret dreams that I believe that you could have loved me too.'
It was signed 'Love, Alec Lightwood' and Magnus felt something wet land on his hand and slowly reached up to his cheek and realized that he was crying.
Magnus stood, maybe Alec was a coward but Magnus remembered how that Shadowhunter had made him feel, maybe Magnus could be brave enough for both of them, it was, after all, no longer illegal for gay Shadowhunters to be with the same-sex and no longer looked down upon for Nephilim to be with a Downworlder.
Magnus grabbed his coat and summoned a portal to the New York Institute.
"Where is he?" Magnus asked Isabelle as he entered her office.
"Who?" Izzy asked as she stared at Magnus in confusion.
"Alexander."
"Oh... You read them?" Izzy asked, her eyes dropping away from him.
"Of course, well, I read one, the most recent one." Magnus said, "Where is he?"
"Warlock Ban-, Magnus, Alec died two weeks ago, I found the box when Clary and I were cleaning the house." Izzy said gently and watched Magnus drop heavily into the chair in front of her desk.
"What... what happened?" Magnus asked, voice small.
"Vera was graduating, there was a Demon attack and Alec..., he kept fighting while everyone else evacuated. The Demon was vanquished but Alec... Alec was already gone by the time we got there."
"It wasn't quick, was it?" Magnus asked, knowing the answer.
"No, it probably wasn't, he was probably in a lot of pain at the end." Izzy paused and opened her drawer, pulling something out and passing it to Magnus. "We found this in his hand, you gave it to me before asking about Alec and it was broken when I encountered a Greater Demon, I never knew Alec kept it."
Magnus twisted the ruby necklace in his hand and stared at the cracked surface.
"He kept it." Magnus whispered, fingers tracing over the embedded 'Amor' on the back.
"I'm sorry, Magnus." Izzy said.
"I am not the one who lost something." Magnus looked at her and tried to smile, he failed.
"I think, maybe what you lost is worse because at least I had him, I have memories, all you have is letters Alec never meant for you to see and I'm sorry for all that you could have been and were never allowed the chance to be."
Magnus nodded, "But thanks to Alexander others get that chance, his daughter gets that chance and ... I guess, that will have to be enough."
Magnus stood and offered the necklace back to Izzy.
She shook her head, "Take it. I think... I think Alec would have wanted you to have it back. I asked Gideon about it and he said he remembered Alec always wearing it, it never came off. There are pictures of Gideon with his tiny baby fist holding it tight as Alec held him." Izzy said softly.
"I ... I should go, things to do, you know." Magnus said.
"Sure, and, Magnus, I really am sorry."
Magnus nodded and left, slipping the necklace on and wondering if Izzy guessed that he was going to read the rest of what Alec had wrote to him, even knowing that the letters would likely make him fall in love with the Shadowhunter, even knowing that the man was dead and anything was impossible.
And Magnus wondered what it might have been like to be loved by Alexander Lightwood and how easy it would have been to love him in return.
Now all that was left were regrets and shattered dreams.
Small time line of events for Alec.
20- Marries Lydia Branwell and begins writing letters daily to Magnus Bane.
22- Goes to Idris with Lydia. Jace stops talking to Alec and feels betrayed.
24- Alec begins to change and rewrite Clave Law
25-Lydia gives birth to a son named Gideon.
27- Jace marries Maia and is exiled by most Shadowhunters except the New York Institute.
28- Lydia gives birth to twins, a boy named Jacen and a girl named Magdoline, Maggie for short.
30- Lydia has a boy named John
32- Lydia has a girl named Vera.
40- Alec and Izzy walk in on Gideon and his boyfriend, Alec has them sent with Izzy to The New York Institute for their safety Gideon is 15 Jacen and Maggie are 12 John is 10 Vera is 8
44- Alec succeeds in changing the laws for gay Shadowhunters. Izzy and Clary are the first to marry in a same-sex Shadowhunter ceremony then Gideon and his boyfriend.
Lydia dies this year in an accident while in Alicante. (foul play is unlikely.)
50- Alec dies in a Demon attack on Idris' Shadowhunter academy allowing them to evacuate. He is the only casualty the rest are only injured and could be healed.
Izzy finds a box of letters addressed to Magnus.
Gideon is 25 Jacen and Maggie are 22 John is 20 and Vera is 18.
A/N about the kids: Alec talks with Lydia about his sexuality and that he can never actually feel that way about her sexually and gives her permission to get her needs met elsewhere if necessary but discretely and this is how she becomes pregnant, Alec still considered all of them his and loves them like they are his.
Lydia falls a little in love with Alec for that.
Gideon is named for Alec, Jacen for Jace, Magdoline for Magnus, John for Lydia's first fiance, Vera also for Lydia's first Fiance.
Lydia's first fiance was named John Monteverde