Remus lifted his quill and frowned down at the parchment. The Goblin Rebellion of 1612 was significant because… He strained, trying to think back to the History of Magic lecture earlier that day. What had Professor Binns said? It had stopped trade between…?
Remus shook his head, trying to clear it. He was pretty sure that had been the part of class he had dozed off in. It figured that the one and only time Remus didn't pay attention he missed something important. It would be no use asking any of his friends, either; they had been trying to hit Severus in the back of the head with paper balls throughout the entire lecture.
Remus set down his quill and rested his head in his hands. He was sitting by the fire in the Common Room with his friends, who had already abandoned their essays and were talking animatedly about the upcoming Quidditch match. Sirius and James were making predictions and talking strategy while Peter sat as near them as he could, eyes shining with delight as they talked.
"And then Jerry's going to feint left and throw it to me," James said, his glasses flashing in the light from the fire.
"Didn't you use that in the match against Hufflepuff?" Sirius said with a frown. "Surely Ravenclaw's going to see that coming."
"Even if they do, it should startle them enough to let me get past the Keeper," James insisted. "Brown's rubbish, I could throw it right at him and he wouldn't be able to stop it."
"I guess so," Sirius said, still looking doubtful. "I still think- hey, Remus, are you alright?"
Remus looked up to find all three of them watching him with frowns on their faces. He gave them a strained smile. To be honest, he was starting to feel a little bit ill, and he knew why- tomorrow was the full moon, and Remus Lupin was a werewolf.
He had felt the stress of the impeding transformation wearing on him all day. He was just glad that he had woken up in History of Magic before his friends had caught him dozing. Despite his nap he felt absolutely exhausted, and the fire was making him uncomfortably warm. He found himself thinking about the dormitory above him. They had left the window open, he remembered. It was probably nice and cool up there. Not to mention his bed- oh, Merlin he wished he was in bed right now-
"Remus?" James was the concerned party this time. Remus blinked unsteadily at him, his head starting to swim. He needed to get out of there.
"I'm fine," he assured them, rolling up his parchment. "I'm just- tired. I think I'm going to head up to bed."
"Alright," said Sirius, frowning as he watched Remus slowly gather his things. "Need any help there?"
"I'm fine," Remus said again. He smiled one last time and then headed towards the staircase, arms full of his homework and supplies.
In the safety of his dormitory Remus dumped all of his stuff at the foot of his bed and then toppled onto the mattress. He breathed a sigh of relief as he shut his eyes. Away from the fire his head stopped swimming and he was able to think straight again. That had been a close one. If he had spent much longer down there he might have passed out, and then his friends would really have something to talk about.
Remus kicked off his shoes and curled up in a tight ball on top of his covers. He didn't have enough energy to change into his nightclothes, let alone lift his blankets and crawl underneath them. Besides, the cool evening air was pure bliss on his skin, and in just a few minutes he was asleep.
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"That was… odd," James said, watching as Remus teetered across the room and disappeared up the stairs.
"It's happening again," Peter said nervously, looking between his two friends.
Sirius frowned at the staircase as James nodded.
"I kind of expected it," he admitted. "He fell asleep in History of Magic today."
"He did?" Peter asked, shocked. Remus was a star student; hadn't he constantly reprimanded his friends for doing the same thing time and time again?
"Yeah," James said, stretching in his armchair. He wiggled his maroon sock-clad feet near the fire, basking in the warmth. "I don't think he knows anyone saw, but I figured it was just his… thing. Thought it was kinder to keep quiet about it."
"So he dozed off in class and then went to bed early," Sirius said, still frowning. "I expect he's sick, too. He was really pale."
"And then he's going to disappear," James said.
"Probably tomorrow," Sirius agreed.
"Maybe he just doesn't feel well," Peter said, uncomfortable about talking about his friend behind his back like that. Remus had always been kind to him, and although Peter was admittedly curious about where he disappeared every month or so like his other two friends, it didn't feel right prying into what was obviously his private business. Not that Peter would ever say that to any of Sirius and James, of course. They would just call him a wuss.
"Please," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "It's the same thing every month. I expect his mother has Spattergroit again?"
"That was last month," James reminded him. "It'll probably be the flu this time."
"I'm stunned his mother isn't dead yet," Sirius said.
Peter gasped. "Sirius!"
"What? If she's really so sick every month that Remus has to leave school and visit her deathbed, she should be dead by now!" Sirius kicked vehemently at his Transfiguration book, which was lying, abandoned, at his feet.
"Sirius is right," James said, frowning worriedly at his friend. "We all know Remus is lying- don't look at me like that, Peter, you know it's true- but what's he hiding?"
Sirius crossed his arms and sat back in his seat. The three of them had decided at the beginning of the year that Remus had to be lying about his monthly disappearances. They had been going on since they had first met; every couple of weeks Remus would start acting weird, and then he would disappear for a few days and come back with the excuse that he had been visiting his ill mother. He had gotten away with it for the better part of their first year, but Sirius's patience was wearing thin. He knew something was seriously wrong with his friend, and it irked him that he didn't seem to trust them enough to tell them the truth.
"I don't think he would lie to us," Peter said weakly.
"You act like he's a bloody saint, Pettigrew," Sirius snapped at him. "Remus is just as human as the rest of us, and he's lying about something- something big. And I'm going to find out what it is."
He got to his feet and roughly started gathering his stuff. Next to him, James rolled his eyes. He was used to Sirius's moods. He always got irritated when they started talking about Remus's disappearances. If there was one thing that Sirius hated more than liars, it was people lying to their friends- and his friends lying to him.
"Don't storm up there and start yelling at him," James warned. "We promised we'd figure it out first and then chew him out, remember?"
"I remember," Sirius muttered. The one and only time they had confronted Remus about what was going on Remus had nearly had a panic attack and made them swear not to go prying into his business. They had promised, but decided to devote their time to figuring out what he was hiding in secret.
The three of them headed up to the dormitory despite the time. None of them felt much like talking or doing their homework, and each of them had a lot to think about.
They crept into the dormitory, glancing at Remus's bed, expecting to find closed curtains- but Remus was fast asleep out in the open, still wearing his school uniform.
"He must be really tired," Peter said softly, tiptoeing over to his bed.
"Or really sick," James muttered.
Sirius strode over to his bed and dumped his things back in his trunk. Ignoring James's concerned look, he threw on his pajamas and pulled the curtains closed around his bed. He didn't want to have to talk to James or Peter anymore, or look at Remus, who looked even smaller and frailer in sleep than he had downstairs.
The thought of Remus lying to him made him sick. Sirius considered Remus one of his closest friends, and the idea of Sirius not even really knowing him- Sirius didn't like to think about it. But he had to, because he couldn't just sit by and pretend to believe all of the lies Remus told him.
I'm going to figure it out, Sirius promised himself. And I'm going to help that stupid prat.
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When Remus woke up, he felt dreadful.
Before he even opened his eyes he knew that something was very wrong. All around him he could hear his friends getting ready for the day, which was odd in itself; Remus was always the first out of bed. Now, however, the thought of dragging himself to his feet and attending an entire day of lessons made him want to keel over and never get up.
Remus tried to sit up but all he managed to do was moan and turn his head the other way. The sounds in the room ground to a halt, and he knew his friends were looking at him. Judging by the light eating at his eyelids, Remus had forgotten to close his curtains. Fantastic.
When he finally opened his eyes he gasped in shock. Sirius was leaning over him, his face set into a deep frown.
"Alright there, Remus?" he asked, watching as Remus slowly sat up, wincing as he did so.
"'M fine," Remus said, his voice hoarse. Then he doubled over, coughing, his throat aching. This was going to be a long full moon.
Bracing hands slid behind his back, helping him into a sitting position, and another pair of hands was pressing a cold glass of water into his clammy fingers. Remus accepted it gratefully, and as soon as he could he pressed it to his lips and took a long drink, soothing his sore throat.
When he opened his eyes again James was standing there, looking worried. Peter hovered behind him, eyes flicking from one friend to the next, and Sirius was seated next to Remus on his bed, looking ready to catch him lest he fall out of bed.
"You're fine, are you?" he asked dryly.
Remus ignored him. He set the glass on the bedside table and slowly slid out of bed. His friends backed away from him, still watching cautiously as he got to his feet, picked up his toiletries, and stumbled into the bathroom, shutting it behind him.
In private, Remus allowed himself to take a deep breath, leaning against the sink. He turned his gaze on the mirror, almost fearing what he would see, and winced. No wonder his friends looked so concerned; Remus looked as bad as he felt. He was so pale he was almost completely white except for two bright pink spots on his cheeks- he was getting a fever. The only other color on his face was the dark bags under his eyes. Remus was a mess.
Turning on the tap, Remus splashed some cold water on his face. Get a grip, he told himself firmly. He would be able to sneak away to the hospital wing at lunch. Until then, he needed to act as though nothing was wrong. He couldn't let his friends know he was sick.
The thought of them finding out Remus's secret made his stomach twist into a knot. Lycanthropy was highly stigmatized in the Wizarding World. The only reason he had even been allowed to attend Hogwarts in the first place was because the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, had for some strange reason taken a liking to Remus. He was permitted to stay only with the promise that he never tell anyone his secret. Not that he had ever needed that warning.
If his friends found out he was a werewolf… well, he wouldn't be allowed to call them his friends anymore. Best case scenario, they would demand he switch rooms and never speak to him again. Worst case scenario, he would have to leave the school. Remus wasn't sure which was worse.
He shook his head. Of course he knew which one was worse. Remus needed an education. It was his only hope for any future whatsoever. If he had a formal education, he might be able to scrape some sort of job despite what he was. Remus couldn't afford being kicked out of school.
But the thought of his friends, the first real friends he had ever had, looking at him like the monster he was- Remus didn't think his heart would bear it.
Remus jerked away from the mirror, unable to look at himself any longer. The dormitory was quiet when he trudged back out, not looking at any of them. He got the idea that they had been talking about something and had quieted as soon as the door was open. Remus didn't want to think about what they had been discussing.
He grabbed a fresh uniform and climbed onto his bed, pulling the curtains shut. Remus never changed in the open. His scars would raise too many questions. So he teetered on his mattress, struggling out of his rumpled clothes and pulling the new ones over his head.
When he emerged again he felt fresher, if still ill, and determined to act like nothing was wrong. He smiled at his friends, who were waiting for him by the door, as he joined them. Peter and James grinned back at him, but Sirius turned and stomped out without meeting his eyes. Remus's smile wavered as he followed them.
They were quiet as they walked to the Great Hall. Remus focused on putting one foot in front of the other, his eyes trained on the stones beneath his feet. His head was swimming, and his muscles were already aching from the stress of the impending transformation. He never seemed to be able to catch a break; not only would he transform into a bloodthirsty beast tonight, but he had to spend the entire day before it barely strong enough to walk from Gryffindor Tower to the Great Hall.
"I hope you'll be up for Astronomy tonight, Remus," Peter finally spoke up, unable to bear the silence.
Remus tripped. James reached out and steadied him as he turned to Peter with wide eyes. "What?"
Peter looked taken aback. "Astronomy," he repeated. "We're studying the full moon tonight."
Remus felt bile rising in his throat. Of course; how could he have forgotten? All last year they had been too focused on the planets in astronomy to work on the moon. The first few months of school he had managed to forget that November was the month they started studying the full moon. How could his friends not figure out what he was when he missed every astronomy lesson?
"Remus?" James's voice seemed to come to him from a long way away. Remus blinked several times, trying to focus on his face, but it kept swimming in and out of focus.
Someone was trying to force him to the ground. Remus's knees buckled, and strong arms caught him and lowered him to the cold stones. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his palms flat against the floor, trying to steady himself. This couldn't be happening.
"Remus?" Sirius sounded scared. That, more than anything, helped clear Remus's head.
He opened his eyes. His friends had managed to get him out of the center of the corridor and were crouched all around him, studying him with poorly concealed panic. Remus felt hot tears starting to prick at his eyes. They looked so worried. How long would be until that concern turned to disgust?
"Peter, go fetch Madam Pomfrey," James said, his voice tense.
Peter nodded and jumped to his feet, but Remus said quickly, "No!" Peter stopped at his friend's hoarse voice and looked from him to James, uncertain.
Remus started to push himself to his feet. Sirius and James swooped in, grabbing his arms and helping him up. Remus reluctantly allowed them to help steady him.
"You've got to go to the hospital wing, Remus," Sirius said, looking him over as though he were checking for injuries.
Remus swallowed and slowly nodded. At least he would have an excuse better than 'My mother's sick' this month.
He shook off James and Sirius when they tried to help him walk, but they still hovered close by, looking ready to swoop in if he showed any signs of collapse. They slowed their pace to little more than a snail's crawl to match Remus's shuffling footsteps. He kept his eyes firmly trained on his feet, not needing to think as he followed the familiar path up to the hospital wing.
James pushed open the door when they got there without knocking. Remus wanted to reprimand him, but the words got lost on the way to his throat. His vision was swimming again.
"What on earth?" Remus heard the matron's voice. "How many times have I told you to knock? Mr. Potter, what is the meaning of-"
"Madam, please, it's Remus," James said, stepping aside to let Remus and Sirius through. At the first sign of dizziness Sirius had grabbed Remus's arm, helping him stay standing.
Madam Pomfrey gasped and hurried forward. As she wrapped an arm around Remus he was surrounded by the familiar, comforting smell of honey and antiseptic. A sense of safety washed over him, and he shut his eyes, swaying with a fresh wave of weakness.
"Stay with me for a few more seconds, Remus, we're almost there." She guided him to the nearest bed and lowered him onto it. Remus sank back against the pillows, moaning in pain as his muscles jarred.
Madam Pomfrey got to work, slipping off his shoes and pulling a blanket over him. Remus, who hadn't realized he had been shivering, drew his knees up to his chest, suddenly freezing.
"You've got a fever, dear," Madam Pomfrey said, her voice calm and soothing. "I expect you're very sore as well, of course. I'll go and fetch you your potions right away. Just lay back and- can I help you three with anything else?"
Remus forced his eyes open. Sirius, James, and Peter were hovering by the door, watching Remus with wide eyes. He closed his eyes again. He was afraid he would see a look of realization cross one of their faces.
"Is Remus okay?" Peter squeaked.
"He's perfectly fine, he's just got a nasty cold. Now out, all of you, and let him rest. You might still be able to get some breakfast if you leave now. Go on, shoo!" A moment later the door closed and the hospital wing was silent except for Madam Pomfrey's footsteps.
When she came back over with a tray of potions, she helped Remus work himself into a sitting position. He opened his mouth obligingly as she poured vial after vial into his mouth, but when she lifted a dark potion he recognized as a Dreamless Sleep potion he shut his mouth firmly.
"They have astronomy tonight," he said, needing to tell someone what was bothering him.
Madam Pomfrey's hand stilled. "What?"
"Gryffindors have astronomy tonight," he repeated.
"What of it, dear?"
"They're studying the full moon." Remus's mouth felt full of cotton, and the potions he had just taken were befuddling his mind, making it hard to focus.
"Oh, don't you worry about that, Remus. You'll make it up, you're a smart boy."
"I'm not worried about making it up." Remus squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the world from spinning around him. "I'm worried that they'll-"
Madam Pomfrey took the opportunity to shove the vial in his mouth. Remus reluctantly drank, and as she pulled away he already felt sleep starting to tug at him. He barely registered Madam Pomfrey helping him slide back down and start piling blankets on him.
"Don't you worry about a thing, dear," she said, smoothing the covers over him. "You'll be able to collect the notes from your friends."
"That's not… what I'm worried about…" Remus's voice was thick with sleep, and soon the rest of him followed suit.
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The walk down to the Great Hall was very tense. All three of them were thinking about what they had just witnessed- and heard.
"He's worried about astronomy tonight," Sirius said abruptly.
James nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah. At first I thought the same as Madam Pomfrey- that he was just upset about missing a lesson- you know Remus."
"Do I?" muttered Sirius.
James shot him a look as Peter whimpered. "Come on, Sirius, don't be like that."
"Why not?" Sirius demanded. "You heard him! He wasn't worried about missing astronomy, he was worried about us having it! What the hell is going on?"
After they had been kicked out of the hospital wing, Sirius had insisted they stay and listen at the door to see if they could overhear anything. The brief conversation they had managed to hear between Remus and Madam Pomfrey had only raised more questions for the three of them.
"He looked really sick, didn't he?" said Peter quietly.
Sirius turned away. Remus had looked very sick, and Sirius still felt shaken from the whole experience. Sure, Remus always looked a little ill and frail, but Sirius had never seen him so out of it. The idea of Remus- steady, dependable Remus- too sick to stand made his heart twist uncomfortably. It was unnatural, and Sirius didn't like what it meant.
"What if this happens every month?" James said in a low voice as they walked into the Great Hall. It was starting to empty out, but there was still a good number of students finishing up their breakfasts. The three slid into their usual spots in the middle of Gryffindor table, the vacant seat next to Peter screaming at all of them out of the corner of their eyes. They tried to ignore it.
"What do you mean?" asked Sirius. None of them moved to grab anything to eat.
"What if he gets sick like this every month- maybe that's where he goes, the hospital wing," said James. "Maybe he's just really, really prone to illness."
"Why would he keep that a secret, then?" Peter asked doubtfully.
James shrugged. "I dunno, maybe he's worried we'll judge him or something."
"No," Sirius said, pressing his hands against his eyes. "No, it's something else… and I'm going to figure it out."
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Remus didn't wake up until Madam Pomfrey shook him an hour before the full moon. "It's time to go, dear," she said with a sympathetic smile as he opened his eyes, blinking at the sudden light.
Remus was too out of it to notice his aching limbs and throbbing head as Madam Pomfrey helped him out of bed and into his shoes. She kept one arm firmly wrapped around him as she guided him out of the hospital wing.
The corridors were empty as they walked towards the front doors. The rest of the school was at dinner, and as they crept by the half-closed doors of the Great Hall the smell of dozens of different kinds of food made Remus's head spin.
Madam Pomfrey helped him out into the brisk evening air. Almost automatically, as if on command, Remus turned towards the setting sun, which was sinking quickly beneath the horizon. His shoulders tensed, and Madam Pomfrey squeezed him closer to her side.
She let Remus go to pull out her wand and guide a long stick to the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow. Remus watched without interest as the monstrous branches stopped swinging and Madam Pomfrey took him by the hand, leading him through the maze of limbs to the concealed entrance.
"I can make it on my own," Remus said as he lowered himself down.
Madam Pomfrey glanced behind her at the setting sun, looking worried. "Alright, dear. Try to stay relaxed tonight. I'll be there first thing in the morning."
"Okay," Remus said.
Madam Pomfrey smiled sadly and reached out to touch his cheek. Remus's eyes swelled with tears. He wanted to leap out of the tunnel and run back to the warmth of the castle. He wanted to sleep through the night like a regular human being and not have to spend it ripping himself to shreds because he's not allowed to go after his prey. He wanted to be safe.
Remus turned away before he accidentally blurted any of this out and started walking down the tunnel, drawing his robes tightly around him to fight against the chill of the dank tunnel. He forced himself to move quickly. He could feel the moon starting to rise in his gut now, his internal clock letting him know that his time was coming. He hated that he had such a strong connection to it.
Remus climbed up into the house and shut the trapdoor firmly behind him. He looked around at the familiar living room, disgusted when he felt a strange sense of homecoming. He shook his head, screwing his face up against the thought. Already he could feel his mind starting to slip away from him.
Shaking with an encroaching sense of panic, Remus pulled off his robes and tucked them away in the cupboard, stripping until he stood shivering, completely naked. His parents couldn't afford for him to tear through a pair of robes every month, so he was forced to spend his last few minutes as a human with every bit of dignity stripped away from him.
Remus walked to the center of the room and lowered himself to the scuffed floor. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but he felt his breaths coming faster and faster. The moon was about to rise; he could feel it. Any moment now.
Remus drew his knees to his chest. His friends would be heading up to the dormitory by now to gather their things for astronomy. Soon they would be standing outside, staring up at the full moon as people all around them asked where Remus was. Who would be the first to figure it out? Who would force themselves to confront him first?
Remus let out a dry sob that quickly turned to a gasp of pain as his leg spasmed. He tried to scramble to his feet, his first instinct to run from the moonlight that was starting to make its way through the dirty window, but collapsed in a heap of limbs as tremors overtook him. He whimpered as he felt his bones break. After a few moments his moans turned to snarls, and then a howl of anguish split the air and Remus was gone.
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"I can't believe she wouldn't let us visit him," James said crossly as he marched up the stairs, telescope clutched in his arms. "I mean, we're his best friends! He wouldn't mind us seeing him sick. You know, I'm starting to think that Madam Pomfrey doesn't trust us."
Sirius snorted as they emerged into the cool night air at the top of the Astronomy Tower. "Whatever gives you that idea?"
"I hope Remus is okay," Peter said as they joined the rest of the class, who had already set up their telescopes.
"He'll be fine," James assured him. "Colds aren't deadly."
"If it is a cold."
"Not now, Sirius."
Professor Sinastra, the young witch who had started teaching Astronomy during their first year, swept outside just as they had finished setting themselves up, wrapped in a thick black robe. She immediately launched into the lesson and James and Sirius immediately tuned her out, focusing instead on the stars overhead, which were sparkling to life.
"Where are you, Sirius?" James whispered with a grin.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to point out Canis Major every Astronomy lesson just so you can laugh about the 'uncanny resemblance' between the two of us."
James stuck his tongue out at him.
They came back down to earth when the class started moving around them. They turned to their telescopes and moved them to focus on the full moon, which hung over all of them, casting an unearthly light on the class.
"Adjust your telescopes until the entire moon is in focus," she instructed them. "Now, you'll see a number of craters on the east side that we talked about earlier in…"
"Please tell me she's not going to have us staring at holes in a piece of rock for the entire night," Sirius muttered to James.
"Don't disgrace the fine art of astronomy," James murmured back. "Those are space holes."
Sirius snorted, and Professor Sinastra looked over at them with raised eyebrows. "Something funny over there, boys?" she asked.
"No, Professor," they said together.
Professor Sinastra looked unconvinced. She frowned at the empty space next to them. "And where is Mr. Lupin?"
"He's sick, Professor," piped up Peter.
"Oh, what a shame," Sinastra said. "Make sure you bring him back good notes."
James and Sirius glanced at each other guiltily. They hadn't thought about that.
Just then, what sounded like a howl floated over the tops of the trees in the Forbidden Forest. The entire class jumped, and Peter ducked down behind his telescope, looking terrified.
"Don't be so frightened," Sinastra called, barely repressing an eye roll. "The Forbidden Forest is home to many creatures- none of which can hurt you up here."
"What if there's a werewolf out there, Professor?" a Hufflepuff girl asked. The class started whispering fearfully.
"I can assure you there are no werewolves within ten miles of this place. Nothing is going to hurt you tonight. Now please, let's return to the moon…."
"What if there are werewolves out there?" Peter whimpered, slowly getting to his feet and readjusting his telescope, which he had knocked in his dive for safety.
James scoffed. "Don't be silly, Peter, Dumbledore wouldn't let any werewolves live in the forest. It was probably just a stray dog or something. Say, does the Canis Major howl, Sirius?"
Sirius rolled his eyes and peeked through his telescope, his thoughts on the howl. It had sounded strangely close…
"I suppose it is kind of pretty," James admitted, examining the moon. He sighed. "It figures that Remus would miss the first class on the full moon. It's hard enough staying awake, let alone taking notes. Merlin, is he lucky-"
Sirius's hand slipped on his adjustment knob, turning the moon into nothing but a yellow, blurry ball. He stumbled away from it, mouth open, and stared up at the moon. The pale light made him almost ghostly as he stood there, immobile, a look of shock scrawled across his face.
"Alright there, Sirius?" James asked, looking up from his telescope. When he saw his friend's expression he frowned. "What's wrong?" When Sirius still didn't move, he reached out and grabbed his wrist, tugging him back to the telescope. "Sinastra's staring at you, Sirius- what's wrong?"
Sirius shook his head wordlessly, still staring up at the moon. "I just realized-" his voice was shaky. "I mean, I just had a thought- I mean-" Peter and James were both staring as he fumbled for words. Finally he just shook his head. "I can't tell you here," he muttered. "After the lesson."
"Oh, come on!" whined James. "You can't just do something like that and make us wait. At least give us a hint."
"Not here, James," Sirius hissed at him. James was so startled by his tone that he dropped it and turned back to his telescope.
Sirius was distracted for the rest of the lesson. He spent it staring out across the grounds instead of up at the moon, his eyes narrowed as he scanned the edge of the forest. James heard him muttering to himself several times, but he was never able to make out any clear words. Near the end of the lesson another howl split the air and Sirius flinched so badly he dropped his compass.
"You're freaking me out, Sirius," James muttered as Sirius straightened back up, clutching the instrument in his shaking hands. Sirius didn't respond but looked back up at the full moon, his jaw clenched. James shared a look with Peter, whose wide eyes reflected the light of the moon overhead.
It felt like weeks before Professor Sinastra told them to pack up. Sirius disassembled his telescope faster than he ever had and rocketed inside before anyone else had even touched theirs. James was quick to follow, but was forced to stay behind and help Peter, whose knob was stuck.
When they finally hurried into the warmth of the tower Sirius was gone. "Come on!" James called over his shoulder, breaking out into a run. Peter followed after a moment, already panting when they reached the bottom of the staircase.
James sprinted all the way through the castle, ignoring the stitch in his side and Peter's calls for him to slow down behind him. When he reached the Fat Lady he gasped out "Porcupine Quills" and ducked inside without waiting to see if Peter was following him.
The common room was empty at this late hour. James took the stairs three at a time, his heart thrumming with anticipation. He had spent the past two hours wondering what had made Sirius so upset, and he was overflowing with curiosity.
Sirius was pacing in the dormitory when James burst in, breathing heavily. He stumbled over to his bed and dumped his telescope on the floor, collapsing on his covers. As he struggled to regain his breath the door thudded open again and Peter practically fell inside, his face tomato red. He collapsed on the floor in front of Remus's bed, looking as though he'd never get up again.
"How could I have been so stupid?" Sirius muttered to himself, pacing up and down the length of the room. He didn't seem to have noticed his friends yet. "It's so obvious, all the signs are right there-"
"What signs?" James said, still panting. "Look, we sprinted all the way here, Sirius, just tell us what's going on."
Sirius looked up at him for the first time. His expression was grim. "Shut the door, Peter," he said without looking at him. Peter moaned but pulled himself to his feet, stumbling over and shutting the door as quietly as he could, aware that they had probably just woken the whole tower.
Sirius was still pacing. James sat on his bed, watching with increasing worry as his normally laid back friend fell to pieces in front of him.
"Sirius," he said quietly. Sirius looked at him, his eyes wide with what looked like fright. "What's going on?"
Sirius stopped pacing. He stood quite still in the middle of the room and wrapped his arms around himself, biting his lip. A few seconds earlier, he had looked furious. Now he just looked scared. "I think Remus is sicker than we thought."
"You think that's why Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us see him?" James said, frowning. Peter was still standing by the door, watching with a mixture of curiosity and worry.
"No," said Sirius. He closed his eyes briefly. "Well, yes, I suppose. I think the reason she didn't let us see him was because we couldn't see him."
"Alright, you lost me," James said, sitting up on his knees. "You think he's at St. Mungo's or something?"
"No," said Sirius. He met James's eyes. "But I don't think he was in the hospital wing. Tell me, was the moon up when we stopped by?"
"The moon? I don't know, I suppose so. Why?"
"The full moon was already up," Sirius murmured, turning back to the window. He walked over and peered up at the sky. "Of course he wasn't there."
"Sirius, you're making no sense right now."
"Yes, I am!" said Sirius, spinning on him. "Wake up, James, it's obvious! Remus disappears once a month, every month for a few days. He feels sick before he disappears and comes back with injuries. He missed the first astronomy lesson of the year to fall on a full moon and I'm willing to bet that if we matched up the dates of his other disappearances they would fall on full moons as well. Didn't he miss a few Astronomy lessons last year, too? Weren't they all on the full moon?"
James was shaking his head. "Sirius-"
"James, Remus is a werewolf."
Dead silence rang in the dormitory. James stared at Sirius, his jaw agape. Sirius met his gaze grimly.
"But- that's impossible," James finally said.
"Isn't it? It makes sense," Sirius said bitterly. "That's why Remus couldn't tell us. He wouldn't want anyone to know he's a- you know."
"But werewolves aren't allowed at Hogwarts!" James insisted. "The Ministry would throw a fit!"
"Maybe no one knows about him," Sirius said with a frown.
"Dumbledore knows everything, Sirius," insisted James.
"Alright, then Dumbledore does know! It would be just like him to go behind the Ministry's back and let Remus come, anyways. He's probably got it all worked out, to keep everyone safe…"
"I think you're jumping to conclusions, Sirius."
"I am not!" Sirius snapped at him. "It all adds up! Is there any way it doesn't make sense?"
James opened his mouth and then closed it, lost in thought. A frown line crinkled his forehead. "Remus can't be a werewolf," he said quietly, a note of doubt creeping into his voice.
"Remus has to be a werewolf," Sirius said, his voice just as quiet.
A strangled gasp from the doorway made them realize that Peter was still there. He was clutching at his bedpost, his face still bright red from the run earlier. His eyes shone with fear. "What are we going to do?" he whimpered.
"We're going to talk to him," Sirius said. "Tomorrow morning, we'll sneak up and-"
"I mean about the dormitory!" Peter cried. "I'm not sharing my room with a- with a monster!"
Sirius froze. He slowly turned to look at Peter, his eyes narrowed. "What did you just say?" he asked.
Peter took a step back at the look on Sirius's face, but his fear gave him the courage to speak up. "I said I'm not sharing my room with a monster!" he squeaked.
Sirius was across the room faster than Peter could blink. James shouted in alarm as Sirius pushed Peter against the wall and pinned him there, snarling in his face. "Remus isn't a monster!" he hissed.
Peter whimpered and tried to twist out of Sirius's grip. James leapt to his feet and hurried across the room, grabbing Sirius's arm and dragging him away. Sirius released Peter reluctantly and let James pull him away.
"Sirius, now is not the time to turn on each other," James snapped at him.
"He's turning on Remus!" Sirius exclaimed, glaring at Peter, who shrank away, his back pressed against the wall. "I won't listen to him call him a monster!"
"Peter's just scared, Sirius, we all are! Now calm down!" James shoved Sirius backwards. Sirius fell against his bed and sat down, glaring at his friend.
James took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "We all need to take a step back," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "This is a big accusation. If we're wrong about this, we could really mess up our friendship with Remus."
"And if we're right-" Sirius started to say.
"Then we proceed accordingly," James said. He shot Sirius a warning look. "We all need to calm down. The last thing we want to do is barge into the hospital room tomorrow and start shouting at each other in front of Remus. This is an extremely sensitive situation."
Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. "Remus isn't a monster."
"I didn't say h was," said James, meeting his gaze coolly. "But no matter what happens we're going to stay calm and keep our heads about us. Aren't we, Peter?"
Peter whimpered but didn't say anything.
"Remus has always been there for you, Pettigrew," Sirius snapped at him. "He helps you on every damn homework assignment and stands up for you whenever anyone teases you, so don't you dare even consider turning on him now."
Peter nodded so fast his head was a blur.
"Good," James said, although he knew the situation was far from good. "Now let's try and get some sleep."
It was an empty suggestion. None of them slept much that night.
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The next morning they all got up silently. They made sure that the sun had already been up for a few hours before wordlessly getting dressed. James opened his trunk and pulled out his father's shining invisibility cloak, grimly looking around at his friends.
It was still too early for anyone else to even be awake yet. The three boys crept down the stairs and into the common room, pulling on the cloak before slipping out of the portrait hole. They weren't technically allowed to be out of the common room so early before breakfast, and it would mean detention if they were caught. But they had a far greater cause that day; they needed to get to the hospital wing and past Madam Pomfrey unseen so they could see Remus for themselves.
None of them spoke as they walked through corridor after corridor. When they finally reached the door to the hospital wing they stopped in front of it. No one seemed to want to approach it.
Finally, James stuck his hands out from underneath the cloak and very slowly turned the knob, pushing it open just a crack so he could peek inside. After one tense moment, he nodded and pushed the door open wider, slipping inside. Sirius and Peter followed after him and they shut the door behind them, readjusting the cloak.
The hospital wing was empty except for a bed in the farthest corner. A set of curtains had been drawn around it, hiding it from view. The three boys stood rooted to the spot, staring at it and dreading what they would find if they looked at the bed behind it.
"Well," James muttered, "we can't just stand here all day. Madam Pomfrey can come back any minute."
Sirius nodded mutely and the three of them crept forward, casting fearful glances at Madam Pomfrey's closed office door. When they reached the curtains they stopped again, and Sirius was the one to reach out and slide them aside.
All three of them gasped.
Remus was lying there, looking very small surrounded by all the pillows and blankets. He was sleeping, or at least, Sirius hoped he was sleeping. He could have been dead judging by the state of him. His light hair was matted with what looked like blood, and his cheek sported a rather gruesome looking gash. But that wasn't what frightened his friends the most.
They had never seen Remus without his shirt on. He was paler and bonier than they had imagined, but that wasn't the worst of it. He was covered in scars. Some were thick and knotty- obviously these hadn't been healed properly- while others were no longer than Sirius's thumb. And on his left shoulder, faded and hidden beneath many other scars but somehow more menacing than all of the others put together, was clearly a bite mark.
Peter moaned and James turned away, looking faintly green. Sirius, however, couldn't tear his eyes away. He felt his world crashing down around him. Remus was a werewolf. He had never dreamed that Remus would be able to hide something like this. Calm, quiet Remus, who hadn't even looked Sirius in the eye when they had first met and had surprised them all two months into the school year by finally cracking a joke. Remus, who always did his schoolwork and tutored his friends even though it was their own fault they hadn't paid attention in the first place. Remus, who always knew just how to twist their pranks so they weren't technically breaking the rules. Remus, who tore himself to shreds every month and never uttered a word of complaint about anything.
He stepped out from underneath the cloak, taking a step closer to the bed. James and Peter made no move to stop him. Sirius stopped at Remus's side, looking down at him. He was relieved to see his chest moving up and down as he breathed, although the movement was unsteady, as though every breath labored him. If his outside was this messed up, Sirius didn't want to think about what his insides looked like.
His hand moved as though it had a mind of its own. He brushed Remus's shoulder where the bite mark winked up at him. Remus didn't stir.
A noise made him jump, and he felt James throw the cloak back over his head and drag him away from the bed just in time. Madam Pomfrey came bustling out of her office, carrying a tray of potions. She looked more disheveled than Sirius had ever seen her; her hair was falling out of its up do and her eyes were tired. There were streaks of blood on her uniform and Sirius was afraid to wonder where she had gotten them. The three boys watched with bated breath as she approached the open curtains, but she was either too distracted or too tired to wonder why they weren't closed.
Sirius shuffled forward as she set the tray on Remus's bedside table and the other two were forced to follow him so he stayed hidden. They crept nearer, watching over Madam Pomfrey's shoulder as she leaned down and gently placed a hand on Remus's arm.
"Remus, dear?" her voice was soft. "Remus, I need you to take some potions for me."
Remus shifted, letting out a low moan. Peter started to whimper but James pinched his arm and he fell silent.
Sirius watched as Remus's eyes slowly flickered open. He blinked unsteadily up at the ceiling overhead, seemingly unaware of Madam Pomfrey until she spoke again.
"How do you feel, dear?" she asked.
Remus's lips moved but no sound came out. Madam Pomfrey reached out and helped him sit up a little bit, his movements stiff and cautious. Sirius realized that he had a thick white bandage wrapped around his midsection. He had been so focused on the scars that he hadn't noticed it before. For a moment he wondered what could be beneath those wrappings, but the images that sprang too mind were too horrendous to focus on.
"There you go," Madam Pomfrey said once Remus was sitting up. She pressed a glass of water to his lips and he obediently opened his mouth, gulping down the cool drink. When he had emptied the glass Madam Pomfrey set it aside. Remus tried to shift but gasped in pain, his hand grabbing at the bandages on his stomach. Sirius's heart clenched at the sound.
"I know it hurts, dear," said Madam Pomfrey, her voice sympathetic. "You gave yourself a nasty cut last night. It'll take a few days at least to heal." She started un-stoppering various bottles. "You've sprained your ankle, so that's wrapped up as well. All in all, though, you did quite well this month. Much better than the last, wouldn't you say?" Remus didn't seem to be able to respond, but Madam Pomfrey didn't expect him to. She started pouring potion after potion into his mouth, humming under her breath. James, Sirius, and Peter watched the process with morbid fascination.
Finally Madam Pomfrey held out the last vial. "I know you don't care much for Dreamless Sleep potions," she said, "but you need your rest."
Remus didn't argue. He reached up and grabbed the vial, downing it in one gulp.
Madam Pomfrey smiled slightly as he fell back against the pillows, his eyelids already slipping shut again. She drew the blankets over him and squeezed his arm once before collecting the tray and returning to her office, sliding the curtains shut behind her. The boys jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being hit by them.
They waited with bated breath for about a minute after Madam Pomfrey had disappeared. Then, Sirius made a move towards Remus's bed again, but James snatched his arm and furiously shook his head, motioning towards the door. Sirius glared at him, but conceded, and the three of them managed to slip out without being seen or heard.
Outside, James tugged off the cloak and balled it up, shoving it deep into his pocket. He took off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt, glancing back at the hospital room door. "Well then," he said.
"What are we going to do?" wailed Peter.
Sirius was pacing again, back and forth across the stones. His mind was moving very quickly, thinking back to every single one of Remus's disappearances and seeing them all from a new perspective. How could he have been so blind?
"We've got to talk to him," James said. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, tugging on the ends so they stood up straight. "We can't just ignore it."
"He needs to know that we don't care," Sirius said. He rounded on Peter. "You don't care, do you?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
James stepped in between them, glaring at Sirius. "Of course he doesn't," he said. He shook his head. "But, Sirius, you have to understand- there's a lot of prejudice against… you know."
"Exactly why we need to show him we're different!" Sirius said.
"I know," said James. He looked tired. "Let's just… let's just go get something to eat. We'll talk to Remus when he comes back from the hospital wing. I don't think it's a good idea to try anything while he's under Pomfrey's supervision."
Sirius glanced back at the closed hospital door. What he really wanted to do was barge back in there and confront Remus now, but he was probably totally unconscious by now. James was right; it was better to wait.
"Alright," he said. "Let's get out of here."
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"You're to take this Blood Replenishing potion tonight and every night for the next week," Madam Pomfrey said, handing over a small purple vial. "And here's a pain relieving potion just in case you need it, but if you have any serious pains you come straight back to me, do you understand?"
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," Remus said, taking the two bottles. He slipped them into the pocket of his school robes, itching to get out of the hospital wing. He had been there for two days healing, and although he wasn't fully well yet, he felt much better than he had in a while, and he was sick of the sterile hospital room.
"You're to take it easy," Madam Pomfrey demanded. "I know what you and your friends get up to, and I don't want to hear that you've been- scaling the roof, or-"
"I promise I won't go scaling any roofs, Madam," Remus promised with a grin.
Madam Pomfrey drew him into a quick hug before releasing him. "Have a good evening, dear," she said. "Get lots of rest tonight."
"You, too," Remus said, and with another smile he turned and left.
It was Saturday night. Madam Pomfrey had insisted he eat one final supervised meal before reluctantly letting him go. Remus had been starting to think that she would just hold him there until the next full moon. Remus appreciated all that she did, of course, but he was itching for things to get back to normal again. He missed his friends, and he knew he was terribly far behind on homework.
It was nearly curfew, but Remus couldn't move too quickly. His sprained ankle was much better, but it still gave him a bit of discomfort if he put too much weight on it, and his abdomen was already aching from the walk. Remus sighed. He doubted he would ever be healthy enough for any actual exercise.
"Porcupine Quills," he told the Fat Lady as he approached the common room, hoping the password hadn't been changed in his absence. The portrait swung back and he stepped inside, a feeling of warmth washing over him as he took in the familiar red and gold décor.
He scanned the common room and spotted them immediately sitting in their usual spot by the fire. James and Peter were lying flat on their stomachs playing a game of chess on the floor, and Sirius was reading a book in an armchair.
Remus blinked. Sirius was reading a book?
He walked over and sank into the empty seat across from Sirius. "Hey," he greeted them with a grin.
The response wasn't what he expected. All three of them jumped and stared at him with wide eyes. Peter knocked into the chessboard and the pieces went flying everywhere, screaming obscenities at him.
"Sorry!" Peter squeaked, frantically picking them back up and shoving them back in his bag. James moved to help him, but his eyes kept darting back over to Remus, a strange look on his face.
Remus frowned. "You guys alright?"
"We're fine," said Sirius, shutting his book and lowering it so Remus couldn't see the cover. He looked at Remus for a long moment, looking as though he were debating something. "How do you feel?"
"I'm fine," Remus said. "Turned out I had more of a flu than a cold. Madam Pomfrey had me on lockdown. You know how she gets. Did you take notes while I was gone?"
Peter and James had packed up the chessboard. Now they were sitting there, their eyes fixed on Remus. Remus focused on Sirius, trying to ignore them, although he was starting to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"Yeah," Sirius said. "They're upstairs."
Remus stood. "I'll go get them."
The other three scrambled to their feet. "We'll come too!" James said.
Remus frowned at him. "I can-"
"We were just talking about heading up to bed," Sirius said. "We're all a bit tired."
"Alright," Remus said slowly. He turned to go, and the other three followed, shuffling silently behind him. Remus turned on them. "Did something happen?" he asked.
They looked at each other. "No," Sirius said, turning back to Remus. He had a hard look in his eyes that Remus hadn't seen before. "Nothing happened."
Remus shook his head and walked up the stairs. When he reached the dormitory he headed straight towards Sirius's bed and the bag he had left lying on top.
"I'll do Transfiguration tonight," he said, rifling through it and pulling out the parchment he needed. "Tomorrow I can-"
His hand brushed up against something else. Frowning, Remus pulled it out and looked at it. It was a library book, the second one he had seen in Sirius's possession that night. When he saw what was drawn on the front cover, his blood chilled.
It was a werewolf.
Remus dropped the book as though it had burned him. He could read the title now: How to Identify and Protect Yourself Against Werewolves. Behind him, he heard the door shut.
This wasn't happening.
Remus whirled around. His three friends were standing in front of the door, looking very grim.
"We need to talk," Sirius said. He was still holding the other book, and Remus could read the cover now: The Modern Day Werewolf: What to Watch For.
This wasn't happening.
"About what?" Remus asked, his eyes darting to the door behind them and then over to the window. He wouldn't be able to get out through there; they were too high up. And they were still standing in front of the door…
Remus's knees were shaking. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his robes, trying not to look too guilty.
"Remus, we know," James said, watching Remus with raised eyebrows.
"Know what?" He was stalling now. His mouth was dry, and he was ashamed by how strangled his voice sounded, as though every syllable was a struggle- which it was.
"Don't," Sirius said. He tossed the book down on Remus's bed, narrowing his eyes at him. Remus flinched. "Just don't. We know the truth, we know what you have- stop lying."
How many nightmares had Remus had about this minute? He could see them all clearly in his mind now, and he knew the outcome of this situation. First would come the questions: How long? Where do they lock you up? Why'd they let you in? Then the disgust. And after that… Remus let out an involuntary shiver. It would be the same as it had been with every other child. Most had picked up sticks or something to try to drive him away, but all Sirius, James, and Peter had were their bare fists. Unless they pulled their wands on him… Oh, Merlin, would they pull their wands out?
"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus said, carefully looking at the floor.
"Of course you do," said Sirius. "Remus, we know you're a werewolf."
Silence.
Remus kept his eyes fixed on the floor, unable to look up at his friends, unable to see the revulsion on their faces. The protest died on his tongue. Sirius had obviously been doing research; what good was denial now?
"How?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Peter let out a strangled sort of whimper. Remus lifted his eyes to Sirius, who was still staring at him. Remus couldn't read the expression on his face. Abhorrence?
Sirius's voice was no louder than his had been. "Astronomy," he said. "I was looking up at the full moon, and I… it just kind of clicked."
Remus's lips twitched into a smile, even though there was nothing remotely funny about the situation. "That's what I was afraid of."
"I know. We heard you and Madam Pomfrey talking."
Remus frowned. "You heard-" Then he remembered the brief conversation he had had with the matron before being forced into unconsciousness. It figured they would have eavesdropped. "Ah."
"Yeah," said Sirius. He hesitated. "Listen, Remus, I- what are you doing?"
Remus had walked over to his bed. He avoided looking at the book staring up at him and opened his trunk, starting to collect his things. "I'm packing," he said, his voice calm. He wondered vaguely why he wasn't more upset, but his mind seemed to have gone strangely blank. The entire dormitory had a surreal edge to it, like he really was in one of his dreams and he was about to wake up kicking and screaming in a few minutes. He knew that was just wistful thinking, however. "If you'll give me just a few minutes I'll be on my way."
"Why are you packing?" James asked.
Remus clenched his fist around the sock he was picking up. Were they going to make it harder for him to leave? He would have thought they wanted him gone.
"To leave," he said, dropping it in his trunk. His hands were shaking, but he tried to hide that by picking up the pile of textbooks he had by his bed and dumping them in his trunk. The dreaminess of the room started to drip away, everything coming into sharp focus, and all of the sudden the situation was very real to Remus. Chills spread across the back of his neck. "I swear I'll get out of here. But- but if you could just-"
"Remus, stop." A hand grabbed his wrist and panic broke through what remained of the wall of calm in Remus's mind. He flinched and snatched his arm away, recoiling. Sirius stood there, hand still outstretched, a look of bewilderment on his face.
"Just- just don't tell anyone," Remus said, dread building up in the back of his mind. He took another step back, his spine hitting his bedside table. Sirius was still standing there, blocking his path, and James and Peter were approaching behind him. He was cornered. Merlin, how had he not seen this coming? His hand twitched towards his wand, but he knew that no matter how hard his friends- no, not his friends. His old friends- hit him he would never raise a hand in defense. He couldn't hold their reactions against them, anyways. "Please, I'm sorry you had to live with me and I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but I need an education, I need to stay at Hogwarts- I'll sleep in the hospital wing, or I'll switch dorms, or-"
"Remus, what are you talking about?" Sirius's eyebrows were furrowed.
He took another step forward and Remus pushed himself farther back against the table. The wood dug into his back, and as Remus tried to twist away from their approach a sharp pain split his abdomen. He gasped and his hand flew to his stomach, feeling the bulky bandages underneath. He remembered Madam Pomfrey ordering him not to do anything to strain it, otherwise the stitches might break open again.
Sirius's expression changed. "You're still hurt," he said.
"Please," Remus gasped out, suddenly breathless. He shoved the pain to the back of his mind. "Just- just let me pack and I'll get out of here, I swear."
James stepped closer to Sirius, frowning at Remus's arm, which was still clenched over his stomach. "Remus, you're going to hurt yourself."
"I swear I'll- what?" Remus frowned at James, momentarily thrown for a loop. That wasn't what he had expected him to say.
Sirius took another step forward and Remus shifted closer to the bed, his eyes darting towards the door. If he could jump over the bed and make a run for it, maybe get to the headmaster's office before-
"Don't even think about it," Sirius growled, his eyes following Remus's.
Remus winced and turned his gaze to the floor, shame flooding him. What right did he have to run?
Sirius threw his hands in the air and Remus flinched again, closing his eyes in anticipation. Here it comes. "Will you quit acting like I'm about to hex you at any second?" Sirius demanded.
Remus opened his eyes again to see James step closer to Sirius. "He thinks you're going to hit him," he said in a low voice, placing a hand on his friend's arm and lowering it.
"Hit him?" Sirius asked, glowering at him. "Why the hell would I hit him?"
"Well- think about it, Sirius," James said, shooting an uncomfortable look at Remus, who looked down at his feet again.
"No," Sirius said shortly. He jabbed his finger at Remus, who forced himself to stand his ground. "You. Sit. Now."
Remus dropped to the bed so quickly it sent a jolt of pain through his abdomen. He straightened his posture, refusing to let himself slouch, and stared at his lap. Hold yourself high and no one can bring you down, his mother had always told him. Remus was going to greet the end of his life with as much composure as possible.
"First of all, let's get one thing straight: I'm not going to hit you," Sirius said, crossing his arms and glaring down at him.
Remus looked up, confused. "What?"
"None of us are going to hurt you, Remus," James said. He held up his hands to prove his point. His glasses teetered on the edge of his nose. Remus had to admit he didn't look exactly threatening, but he knew better than to doubt his friends- dorm-mates. Past dorm-mates. "We just want to talk to you."
"But-"
"I'm asking the questions here, Lupin," Sirius said. "One: when?"
"When what?"
"When were you bitten?"
Remus twisted his hands together in his lap and dropped his gaze again. "Four," he muttered.
"Four what?" asked Sirius, impatient. "Four years ago?"
"Four years old."
They were all staring at him. When Remus risked a look he saw that Sirius had gone very pale.
"Four?" he choked out. "But that's-"
"So young," Peter finished in a hushed voice, still standing behind the other two. He had been quiet up until then; Remus suspected he was too terrified to talk. Poor, frightened Peter- Remus hated to be the one that made him so scared.
Remus shrugged, his cheeks hot. He knew it was revolting, but to see it written so plainly across his friend's faces- that hurt.
Sirius cleared his throat, looking more hesitant than before, as though realizing this maybe wasn't that good of an idea. "Where do you go? During the full moons?"
"There's a tunnel," Remus mumbled. What did he have to lose now? "Under the Whomping Willow. It leads to a house. It's safe, I swear."
"I didn't say it wasn't," said Sirius.
"Yeah, you wouldn't stay there unless it wasn't," James said.
Remus looked at him and was startled that his friend was smiling, even if it was rather sad. He moved his eyes to Peter, who was standing a few steps behind him and watching him with a… worried expression?
"I don't… I don't understand," Remus whispered, turning back to Sirius, who was staring at him. "Why aren't you- why are you-"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "For Merlin's sake, Remus, we're not going to ditch you just because you've got a little problem. We'd be rubbish friends if we did that."
Remus's jaw dropped. "Little problem?"
James shrugged. "You get a little furry every month," he said. "It's not a big deal."
"Not a big-" Remus spluttered, lost for words. Didn't they understand? His own worries for self-preservation fell to the back of his mind. They needed to realize what he was, what he could do to them. "I'm a monster, James! I grow teeth! And claws, and fangs, and-"
"Do you like doing it?" Sirius asked shortly.
"No!" Remus cried, horror pulsing through him.
"Can you control it?"
Remus drew back a little. "No," he said, more subdued.
"Have you ever hurt anyone?"
"No."
Sirius grinned at him. "There you go, then, case closed. It's not your fault."
"Sirius-"
"And if I hear you call yourself a monster again, I'm going to dangle you out the window by your big toe until you realize how awesome you are," Sirius said, still smiling.
Remus's blood ran cold. "What?"
"I said-"
"No." Remus got to his feet. He was shaking all over. This wasn't right, this wasn't how this was supposed to go. His life had been falling apart moments ago and now it felt as though it had been turned upside down. Hadn't he spent the last year dreading this moment? Why weren't they making a big deal out of this? "This- this isn't okay! You aren't supposed to brush past this! You're supposed to be scared, you're supposed to be revolted, you're supposed to-"
"Beat you?" James asked quietly.
Remus looked down while Sirius glared at him. "What the hell, man?"
"Look, you may live in a little bubble, Sirius, but I know what it's like in the real world," James snapped at him. "I've seen werewolf prejudice first-hand, and no, it's not right, but it's there. If you would just stop and look at things through Remus's perspective-"
"A little bubble? Me? You're one to talk, Potter! I'm the one who had to sit through a formal family meal every Sunday evening and listen to my own family members blab on and on about how Muggles should have more respect and fear for wizards, and how Mudbloods shouldn't even be allowed wands, and how half-breeds should be put down-" He froze and looked over at Remus, his eyes wide. "Shit- Remus, I-"
"No," said Remus. That strange calmness was back, casting that surreal dream-like quality on the whole situation, like a switch had turned in his mind. The whole situation had stopped making sense, and Remus felt himself retreating back inside his mind to try and make sense of it. What Sirius had just said- that made sense. Not the part about the Muggles and Muggleborns, of course, but the half-breeds- that was more along the lines of what he had expected. Was this crazy night finally trying to right itself? "It's fine."
"It is not fine!" said Sirius fiercely. "I didn't say I agreed with any of that! Of course I don't! My family members are idiots!"
"Is everyone in the Wizarding World an idiot?"
"Yes! I've been saying that for years!" Sirius threw his hands in the air. "You being a werewolf doesn't change who you are a single bit! You're still Remus Lupin, you're just a little sick one day out of thirty! You wouldn't hurt a fly, Remus- I don't think you could hurt a fly even if you wanted to, which you never would, because you're- you're Remus, damn it, and I don't care that you're a werewolf! No one in this room cares a single bit but you!"
Remus stared at Sirius. He still felt numb, but he realized that he was shaking.
James pushed past Sirius, his eyes wide. "Remus, are you alright?"
That was the final straw. Remus buried his face in his hands and started sobbing, the jerking motions pulling at his wound, the pain just making him cry harder. And then there were arms around his shoulders, and they were guiding him to a bed and he was sitting down, his head resting on someone's shoulder, and he could hear three different voices saying, "It's alright, Remus," and "We don't care, honest, Remus!" and try as he might, Remus couldn't stop crying. He buried his face in the shoulder offered to him and felt another hand on his shoulder, offering him what support they could.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed, his voice choked and mangled. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I'm sorry I lied to you."
"Don't be," said Sirius gruffly, and his voice was so close Remus was sure he was the shoulder he was crying on. "You had every reason in the world not to tell us. I would have done the same thing in your shoes."
"I'm glad we found out, though," said James behind him. "You shouldn't have to go through this alone."
"And you won't have to ever again," Sirius said.
Remus drew away from him, rubbing furiously at his eyes and nose with the sleeve of his robe. Sirius and James were sitting on either side of him, surrounding him, but it no longer felt threatening- it felt comforting. Peter was sitting on the ground at his feet, and when Remus looked at him he smiled gently, concern still shining in his eyes.
Remus sniffed. "I don't know what to say," he admitted.
"Don't say anything," Sirius said. He patted his back one last time and got to his feet. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm exhausted. I still have a lot of questions for you, but they can wait for tomorrow. You need sleep. And by you, I mean me."
James and Peter got up as well. Remus rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear the last of the tears away. He felt stuffed up and puffy, but lighter, somehow, as though a thousand pounds had been lifted off of his shoulders.
"Thank you," he said quietly. He may not fully understand what was going on, but he knew that, for now, his friends seemed to be accepting him- and for right now that was enough.
They all smiled at him. "We haven't done anything," James said, waving him off.
Remus shook his head furiously. "You've done a lot. You've-"
"Been decent human beings," Sirius said. He rolled his eyes. "Really, Remus, it's appalling that more people aren't like this, but we haven't done anything special. Now let's drop it for tonight, I've had enough sappiness for one day."
Remus heaved himself to his feet. He was still worn out from the full moon, and the events of the past twenty minutes had left him exhausted. He fished his pajamas out of his half-packed trunk and started climbing up onto his bed, one hand grabbing for the covers.
"You don't have to do that."
Remus turned around. James and Peter were already changing, but Sirius was watching him. His lips quirked into a half-smile. "We sort of already saw you. We snuck into the hospital wing."
Remus swallowed, panic jolting his mind. He pushed it away. Sirius wasn't accusing him of anything. "Of course you did."
"We needed to make sure!" Sirius defended.
"You don't need to hide," James said, pulling his shirt over his head and mussing his hair up. "We don't care, and it's time you stop being scared about changing in your own room."
Remus still would have felt much more comfortable changing in private, but as his friends had already supported him thus far, he didn't want them to feel like he didn't trust them. So he swallowed every bit of pride he had left and tugged his robes over his head, dropping them on the floor and pulling on his shirt and pants as quickly as humanly possible. When he finished he glanced over his shoulder, heart beating, but no one was looking at him. They were all going about their usual nighttime routine. Remus, relieved, picked up his robe again, and had to admit that it had been a lot easier than changing on the bed.
Remus felt something in the pocket of his robes and frowned, reaching in and pulling out two potion vials. He had completely forgotten Madam Pomfrey's instructions. Looking over at his friends, Remus tucked the bottles into his hand and started towards the bathroom to take them in private.
"What's that you got there?" James asked.
Remus flushed and muttered unintelligibly.
"Let's see it, then," Sirius said, walking over and reaching for the vials. He held them up in front of him and frowned. "You have to take these?"
"Just the one. The other's in case I'm in pain."
Sirius handed him the blood replenishing potion. Embarrassed, Remus uncorked it and took a swig, wincing at the foul taste.
Sirius took it back from him and marched over to Remus's bed. He set the two vials on the table in plain view and grinned. "Ta-da! Now you'll remember to take them tomorrow." He hopped back onto his own bed, stretching out.
"Here." Remus turned just in time to catch a Chocolate Frog that James had chucked at him. "To get the potion taste out of your mouth," he said. He wrinkled his nose. "I hate medical potions. They all taste like laundry detergent."
"How do you know what laundry detergent tastes like, James?" Sirius asked.
James grimaced. "I've repressed that childhood memory Sirius, please don't bring it up."
Sirius and Peter both laughed while James stuck his tongue out. Remus stood there, holding the chocolate frog and watching his friends.
"I'm going to bed," James said, stretching. He took off his glasses and tossed them onto his nightstand. "Night, all." He drew the curtains shut. After a few moments, Peter followed suit.
Remus walked over to his bed and sat down, still clutching the chocolate frog in both hands. Sirius, who had picked up his book again, glanced at Remus and grinned.
"We haven't poisoned that chocolate, you know," he said, flipping the page.
Remus frowned. "Why are you reading that?" he asked, his voice quiet out of respect to his two sleeping dorm-mates.
"Huh?" Sirius asked. He glanced at the cover of his book as though he'd forgotten the title. "Oh, I picked it up this morning. Thought I could do a bit of research. You know, find out more about lycanthropy, see if I can help you."
"You can't," Remus said immediately. He flushed at the bluntness of his statement. "My parents… we've already tried everything. There is no cure."
"It just hasn't been found yet," Sirius said matter-of-factly, turning back to the book.
"Sirius…" Remus fiddled with the Chocolate Frog. "You don't need to-"
"I know I don't need to."
Remus stared at his lap. "There's no cure," he said again, his voice soft.
Sirius didn't look up from his book. "There has to be something that will help," he said firmly. He glanced at Remus, his lips turned up in a half-smirk. "Stop complaining about me trying to help you and go to bed, Remus. There'll be plenty of time to be irritated with me in the morning."
"I'm not irritated."
"I know you aren't. Goodnight, Remus."
Remus obligingly slid under his blankets, setting the Chocolate Frog carefully next to his potions for tomorrow morning. He didn't feel much like chocolate right then. Before he drew the curtains shut, he said, "Thank you, Sirius."
Sirius didn't look at him, but he was smiling. "You're welcome."
Remus shut the curtains.
A/N: Up Next: Remus's first full moon with the support of his friends. Please leave a review! Thanks for reading.