Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter. Oh - and the title, general inspiration and the line 'You're not the person that I once knew.' are from Hilary Duff's Stranger.
Everything changes. Seasons change. Fashion changes. People change.
I had never really believed in that – after all, my father's a biologist and he always drilled me with knowledge about human DNA, so how could people change? It seemed impossible to me, but I was proven wrong. And trust me, it hit hard.
We had all been friends at Hogwarts. Of course, Parvati was (and still is) my best friend, and Dean was Seamus' best friend, but the four of us were almost as close as the other Gryffindors in our year were. It was only natural, I think.
How had it ever come to this?
In sixth year, there was Parvati, helping out her sister when she had gotten in the middle of a Ravenclaw feud. There was Dean, too preoccupied with his recent breakup with Ginny Weasley to take notice of anything or anyone else around him. There was me, trying to cope with Ron breaking up with me. And there was Seamus, who ultimately managed to help me. We became closer, but nothing really happened yet. We became good friends, better than before, but that was it. Nothing more. Yet.
Over the summer between our sixth and seventh year, the war became bigger than any of us had imagined the year before. Muggleborns were supposed to turn themselves in; alright, that wasn't the term that was used, but it felt like that. When you registered as a Muggleborn, you were sent to Azkaban. Somehow, I managed to convince my parents to temporarily move abroad, to escape this war.
Hiding had been horrible. There was the constant fear of being found by Death Eaters, and there was the fact that we just couldn't seem to adjust to life outside Britain. It had been Seamus who had come to find us after the war had ended, who had told me that we had won, but that the price paid for the victory was high. He had gotten me and my family back home, had taken me wherever I wanted to go, because I couldn't believe what disasters the war had brought to everyone.
He had already changed by then, I just didn't see it. He was no longer the slightly odd, yet likeable boy I had once known. He had seen, felt, done horrible things this past year and somehow, he seemed much older now. He'd yell at everyone who did something wrong. He'd be moody for days, only to do something impulsive after a while, and then he'd slide back into moodiness. I wish I had known that earlier. Then I wouldn't be in this mess.
I had gone into hiding once more, but I had no doubt that he'd find me just like he had found me before.
"What do you mean, you're leaving?" he asked angrily, looking from me to my bags. "You're not leaving," he added with a snort. "Mark my words, Lavender: before this week is over, you'll come back, begging me to take you back."
I took a deep breath. That was exactly what I was fearing as well. I had counted on him so many times before – was there even any way I could do this on my own? But then again, how could I escape someone if I needed their help accomplishing that? "I meant what I said, Seamus. I'm leaving." With that, I picked up my bags and headed over to the door, passing frames with photos in them as I went. There was so many memories here; bad ones, but good ones as well.
"No you're not," he growled as he followed me, trying to block my way. "You know there's no escaping me."
I looked up at him, determined to show him just how easy it would be to escape him. I could do this – I could easily go to the Ministry and file for divorce. Nothing to worry about.
His eyes had turned to slits as they watched me quietly, flicking from my face to my stomach every once in a while. "You can't escape, Lavender. I won't let you. Not while you're carrying my child." My heart stopped momentarily. How did he know? Upon seeing me so distraught, he smirked slightly, and it sickened me. "You should really hide those pregnancy tests better next time." With that, he grabbed one of my bags from me and walked back into the kitchen, probably expecting me to follow him.
I didn't follow though, I walked out and I've been hiding ever since. Going to the Ministry would be too risky, since that's where he would expect me to go. So I was stuck in quite the predicament. If someone would find me now, they had to report that to Seamus. The only way I could prevent that from happening was getting a divorce, for which I needed to go to the Ministry. There was really no escape for me, it seemed.
He had helped me start over here in Britain. He had just… been there. Before we knew what we were doing, we were together, in love. Or so we thought, at least. Looking back, I don't think it was ever love, for neither of us. I had just been looking for a way to express my gratitude towards him for helping me. He needed someone to lean on, after this war. Both his parents had been killed and he himself had only narrowly escaped the torture that the Carrows had in store for him.
We depended on each other for everything and we got sucked along. Before we knew it, there was no way out of the situation we were in. We had convinced everyone, even ourselves, that we were in love. We desperately needed someone, we wanted to be in love, and by constantly telling ourselves that we loved one another, we started believing that lie. But now, it had become clear to me that that was all it ever was: a lie. I had seen the light. Unfortunately, he had not.
It was the day of the memorial service held for all the people who died in the Final Battle. That it, the people on our side. I had been to a couple of burials, but that day, everyone would be remembered. It was a month after the Final Battle and the victims had all been buried; now was the time to all gather and hope that nothing like this would ever happen again.
I can still picture the state Hogwarts was in quite vividly. I remember gaping at its sight, not believing – not wanting to believe – what I saw. I couldn't believe that this was all that was left of the castle that held so many memories for me. Along with all the burials, the reality of the war and its expenses were made quite evident, just by seeing my old school.
We stood there, side by side, at the service. Parvati was standing with her family, and Dean was somewhere near the front, with Luna Lovegood. Both Seamus and I were alone in some way and thus, we kept each other company. We were already growing closer and for now, I was one of the only people he hadn't shouted at yet, for which I was thankful.
Not long after we started officially dating, the change in him became more apparent to me. Depending on his mood, I was expected to be a girlfriend, a maid, a psychiatrist, and many other things. It was tough, I'd be lying if I'd say it wasn't, but he'd done so much for me that I felt almost obliged to stay with him. Besides, even if I didn't want to stay with him, we were in love, right? I needed him to stay alive, to keep breathing, just like I figured he needed me. In a way, he still needed me, and I wasn't too sure about not needing him anymore. We'd see that soon enough, if I managed to survive this whole hiding thing.
"Seamus! What – " I didn't get any further, because he pulled me in a bone crushing hug, muffling my voice.
"It's over, Lavender! The war has ended! We won!" He looked so unbelievably happy that I couldn't help but smile too.
"We won?" I asked uncertainly. "We really won?"
He hugged me once again, and my parents entered the hallway to see what the commotion was all about. "We won," he repeated. "Harry – he finally defeated him and – " He then seemed at a loss for words, he was so happy. My parents told him to come in, and after he'd told us all about the Final Battle, we were also curious about what had happened before that. So he kept talking and talking, but it soon became obvious that he wasn't telling us everything. When my parents had left, looking for a way for move back to our old home as soon as possible, I inquired Seamus a little more.
"Seamus – what else happened? You're hiding things from us, you know you shouldn't do that. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," he muttered, trying to sound… happier, but he wasn't convincing me.
"Seamus. You know I don't believe you, so just spill."
He sighed, although he could've been taking a deep breath as well, and muttered, in an even lower voice than right before that, "My parents died." I gasped, I could only stare at him, my eyes wide. "They were killed." He shrugged. "The Carrows had it in for me even more after that than before."
Now it was my turn to hug him, although not because of the good news about You-Know-Who being beaten; Seamus was my friend and I had to comfort him, like he had comforted me when Ron had broken up with me.
When I asked him later how he had found us, he told me jokingly that he would always be able to find me, wherever I went. We had laughed about it then, glad to have something to laugh about again. He then said that it was his own little secret, but I had always assumed that someone would've known where we went (I had told Parvati, after all, where we would go, though not very specifically; he could've easily asked her and found us that way). Right now, I was really hoping that that would be the case; that someone had told him where we were and he had managed to track us down. I wasn't supposed to be this scared, I knew it, I was a Gryffindor after all. But we weren't in school anymore, and this wasn't a game. This was nerve-wracking. It was almost worse than hiding from Death Eaters.
I feared that he hadn't actually been lying when he had said that he would always find me. Sure, he hadn't been serious at the time, but he might just have some sort of radar that could track me down. It might just be possible.
Parvati had had it all worked out: we were with four people in our little group, two girls and two boys. So why wouldn't we all go to the Yule Ball together? I thought it was a great plan, but before Parvati had the chance to tell Dean and Seamus about it, Dean announced that he already had a date. Apparently, Seamus didn't want to stay behind now, and within moments, he had a date as well. Namely, me. Parvati was rather peeved about this, since she was now the only one out of the four of us who didn't have a date. Oh well. In the end, she went with Harry, and she came back with some student from Beauxbatons as her boyfriend and she had nothing to complain about anymore.
Seamus and I had a nice time at the Ball, I guess. We had agreed to just go as friends, because honestly, neither of us saw the other as anything more than that. We danced, talked, laughed, had fun in general. All in all, we had a great night. All four of us had.
If only things could've stayed so simple. If only the war hadn't changed everything and everyone, especially Seamus, so much. We were carefree then, happy, without a thought of what we'd have to go through once we'd grown up and become adults. What had become of us? We'd all grown up too early, but Seamus hadn't just matured. He had been through so much that he'd lost himself. As I looked into his eyes lately, they were blank. There were no emotions there whatsoever. He hadn't gotten over his parents' deaths yet, even after all these years. I had hoped – heck, both of us had hoped that I'd be able to help him get through this difficult stage, but it was as if I was fighting a lost battle. Deep inside, he didn't want to leave the past behind, he was stuck there, he wasn't getting out of it.
Everyone knew of this. It wasn't so hard to see with all the shouting and yelling that he did. On the other hand, he had fought in the Final Battle. He had been brave. He had been tortured by the Carrows for months. He had had to endure his parents' deaths. He was some sort of war hero. A tortured soul.
I was a coward. I had gone into hiding, I hadn't fought. I had done nothing to stop You-Know-Who or his followers. My parents were still alive. They saw me as a whiny, superficial girl who was captured by someone else's hero status. What they didn't realise was that I had to put up with his mood swings even more than they did, that our relationship wasn't perfect at all, and that wasn't just my fault. If news of our divorce would get out, I'd be blamed, I'd be glared at and whispered about everywhere I went, I would get numerous Howlers from people accusing me of just taking advantage of Seamus' state and not supporting him enough.
No one would believe me if I'd tell them just how hard it was, living with Seamus for multiple years. They'd all see me as some sort of drama queen.
"I love you," he whispered softly in my ear. It was one of the periods in which he wasn't too moody, but was more like the boy he had been at Hogwarts than he usually was.
I smiled, leaning lazily against his chest, his arm wrapped around me. "I love you too," I answered softly, and he gently stroked my hair. It was the perfect moment, right then and there.
Before long though, the moment was gone. Instead, before I knew what was happening, he kneeled down on one knee, held out a small box and took my hand. A thousand thoughts went through my head as he proposed to me, seeming so calm on the outside, but I could hear in his voice that he was nervous as hell.
We were so young still, and in a way, we still had no idea what life had in store for us. Scarred from a war we might be, but that didn't mean that we knew all about the world now. Young and reckless we were, and without another thought, we dived right in, digging a deeper and deeper hole for ourselves, never looking back, without thinking of what was yet to come, we decided to get married. Because we were in love, and getting married was something people did when they were in love.
Things didn't get better after he proposed. I had hoped that they would. I had hoped that our impending marriage would cheer him up and somehow, take his mind off what had happened during the war.
He proposed only three years ago, we got married within the year after that, and now, I had run away. He wasn't abusive or anything; not physically, anyway. It was just never enough. He was never content with whatever I did. And here I was, pregnant, hiding, scared. What a wonderful life I had.
Not even I had any idea of where I was, but he didn't need to know where exactly I was to find me. I was convinced of that by now, and the thought wasn't comforting.
When the evening came, I was starting to drift off to sleep. When footsteps approached me, I sat up with a start, and as expected, there he was. He was no longer smirking, he just looked at me with his eyes hollow. He grabbed my arm, making it impossible for me to escape, but that was all he did for a minute. He just continued staring at me.
"Lavender," he said after a while.
"Seamus," I said in reply, trying to keep my voice even.
"Whatever happened between us?" he asked, and I was surprised to hear the cluelessness in his voice. I had to keep myself from snorting as I replied.
"Do you really need to ask that question, Seamus? Do you really think I'm happy, the way things are? This… love, or whatever it is between us, it's not real. It never was. It'll never work."
"So you're – leaving? Leaving, and taking the baby away with you? You're not even going to give me another chance? You don't even want to talk about it?" He looked desperate, and if I didn't know him better, I'd think that that was how he felt. However, I had seen his attitude change so many times in the past years that I didn't know if I could believe him.
"I think it's a little late for us to talk, Seamus," I said softly. I didn't answer his question about leaving. I wasn't sure if I could handle that. "There's nothing to say anymore."
"Yes, there is!" He was yelling once more, but he must've seen me recoil, because he looked down at his feet almost immediately after that.
It was a small wedding, with only about fifty people there. Yet I was pretty nervous the whole time, making the best day of my life also the one I hardly remembered at all. I do remember the smiling match between the two of us during the ceremony. We could hardly keep our eyes off of each other.
The part where we got our gifts was also a blur. There were so many people, it seemed, who all wanted to speak with us, not realising that neither of us was really listening to them at all. I do remember the parts where we danced, taking me back to the Yule Ball for a moment, to that great night, full of happiness, when we were still carefree fourteen-year-olds. Of course, our wedding day was an even better day, but the absence of Seamus' parents, and some of the people we had once known, could be easily felt.
After eating the cake, some time that night, we left quietly, ready for the life that awaited us. Although, looking back, I don't think we were ever really ready.
"What happened, Lavender?" he asked again. "How did it ever get so out of hand? We could always work things out before, at Hogwarts…"
"But we're no longer at Hogwarts, Seamus, we've changed so much since then. You're not the person that I once knew. You're like a stranger to me." He sighed and nodded, sensing defeat. I had no idea why, but at that moment, I was sure that we might actually be able to work it out. "But if you want to talk about it, then we'll talk. We're going to talk until we've both said what we wanted to say and we're going to try to make it work. Otherwise, I'll leave again, and now for real." It seemed that, for now, he was right: I couldn't live without him, not now.
He looked very relieved at my words. "Alright then. We'll talk. I'll get your bag. Let's go home." He grabbed my hand and disapparated, although not before whispering, "I do love you." And in that moment, I had the strange feeling that he might have meant that.
A/N: Well, what do you think? I know that some things aren't completely canon, but hopefully you can live with that :) Let me know what you thought of it, please review!