Discliamer: I don't own potter property
AN: Written for sick-atxxheart's Handicap challenge. It could be longer, but it's not. And it won't be, so it's a one-shot. Please excuse my lack of quality. IF you read my other things, I should begin updating Just Rose again, now that its summer break (yay!). Thanks for being patient.
3
What do you want?
3
Lily stared at her hands, trembling with the weight of reality. Cancer. She struggled to swallow. Wasn't that a muggle disease? She clenched her fist, fury welling up in her chest. She was Slytherin. She clenched her jaw. She was a witch, the youngest auror to be inducted into the prestigious Order of the Phoenix. Her head spun. How could she have a muggle disease? She was so much better than that!
She turned and punched the brick wall, sending chips scattering to the ground. A fucking muggle disease. She slumped against the wall and slid to the ground, wrapping her arms around her knees.
What was her father in law going to say? She buried her head deeper into her arms. What was her mother in law going to say? Her hands tightened around the fabric of her loose jeans. What was her brother in law going to say? She struggled to hold back tears. What…what was Scorpius going to say? Her breath hitched in her lungs. How was she going to explain this to Adara?
She started crying. Open, vulnerable, obvious on the curb of Diagon Alley outside of Malfoy's Exemplary Wand Shoppe.
3
"Finnegan," Lily said, throwing her folder in front of him. "I need some leave time from field work."
Seamus looked up at her, his eyes questioning.
"What? Why? We have a big case coming up. How can you ask for leave now? I'm not sure I can give it to you. One what grounds are you asking?"
"Illness."
He looked suspicious as he picked up the folder. Lily crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. He skimmed the page.
"Breast cancer? I didn't think wizards were susceptible…"
"They usually aren't." Lily puckered her lips.
"Then why you? You're perhaps the most competent…"
"Do you remember when I had lycanthropy?"
"And they suppressed your magical proteins?"
Lily nodded. "They never returned the same. There are evidently some gaps in my production, which left me susceptible."
Seamus sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Alright," he said, taking out a quill. "I'll reassign you to your father's…"
"No. I want to be with Williamson."
"You don't want to work with your father?"
"I don't want to be babied. There's a difference."
"Alright. Williamson. I'll tell him personal reasons. That enough for you?"
"Plenty. He doesn't ask questions."
"Good luck, Lily. I know this must be difficult on you and Scorpius. Why don't you take the rest of the day off and get some rest. You look pretty beat."
"Yeah." Lily gave a wry grin and ducked out.
3
Adara played with her blocks on the floor. Lily laid down on the couch and watched her, half-listening to the quidditch game. She glanced down the hallway and Scorpius's door was still locked and shut. He was working. Still. She glaned at the clock. Fifty hours straight. She shook her head and tried not to fall asleep. It was only three. On a Saturday. Her mum should be here soon. Absent-mindedly, she rubbed the white gold band of her wedding ring. She still hadn't gotten a chance to talk to him. She wouldn't for awhile, either. He'd come out, stubbly and grubby, take a shower, and sleep for about twelve hours. She shifted on the couch.
The fire flamed green and her mum stepped off the hearth, dusting herself off.
"Lily, what are you doing asleep? Shouldn't you be doing something productive? Are you ill? You look a little pale?"
"I'm fine mum. I just haven't been sleeping well."
"Granmum!" Adara stood up and rushed over to her, latching onto her leg.
"Why, hello Adara," she said, picking up the girl. "My, you're getting big! Are you ready to go to the zoo with grandpa?"
"Yeah! I see the giraffes!"
"Yes, there will be giraffes! Now, come on before grandpa falls asleep. Lily, you might want to go to the healer, see if everything's ok."
"Alright, mum. Have fun, Adara, and be good, ok?"
Adara giggled and squirmed in her grandma's arms.
"She'll be fine, Lily, don't worry."
"Yeah."
Lily's mum brought Adara into the fireplace and flooed out.
Lily fell back against the couch, her hand over her eyes. Her heart pounded against her chest, her head throbbed against her skull. There was nothing more that she wanted than sleep.
Bang.
"Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!"
Lily groaned. Scorpius's door flung open, hitting the wall with a loud thunk.
"Scorpius?" Lily asked.
"Ugh." He stomped into the living room and started pacing. "The batch went bad. I don't even know how. I think it might have been the amount of time they stewed. They needed longer." He rubbed his face, his blonde stubble grating against his hands. "It might have been the core and the wood. I don't think the essences were fused long enough to get the epitome of cohesiveness." He looked at her, his eyes red. "Usually I just lose one or two…but all ten? Damn it!" He kicked the brick wall. "I need to refocus! Last time, I lost five. This is unacceptable." He lodged his hands in the pockets of his leather apron, the singe marks even more pronounced than usual. "Maybe I should cut back. Maybe I should just try one or two next time, make sure I can still handle it…I don't know what's going on with me, Lily." He stopped pacing and sat down at the end of the couch, taking off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose.
Lily sat up and slid next to him, grabbing his scarred hand in hers.
"I'm sure everything's perfectly fine with you," she said, rubbing his palm gently with her thumb. She leaned into his shoulder. "Maybe you just need a few days rest."
"Yeah. I think I'm just going to sleep now." He stood up and untied his apron. Casting it aside on the couch, he started to walk away. "Are you coming?" He offered his hand, his usual lopsided grin on his face.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lily said, trying to bite back her own grin. She put her hand in his, letting it wrap around her small hand.
"I love you," he said, drawing her so close she could hear his heartbeat.
"I love you, too." She wrapped her arms around his narrow waist. "I missed you."
"You missed me? How long was I out for?" He returned her embrace, wrapping his arms protectively around her slight body.
"Fifty two."
"Shit."
"Yeah."
"Did I miss anything?" He stifled a yawn and gently rocked back and forth.
"I had my monthly exam."
"How did that go?" He fingered her red hair and rested his chin on her head.
"I have cancer."
"Cancer? What's that?" Scorpius kissed her head.
"A disease."
"Is it contagious?" He kissed her cheek.
"No."
"You survived lycanthropy," he said, rubbing her back. "I can't imagine anything would be worse than that. You'll be perfectly fine, Lily."
"You think?"
"I know." He kissed her more forcefully and picked her up. "l need to sleep. And you look pretty tired, too. Don't worry, Lily. Please. That sort of thing can't help you get better." Skillfully, he laid her on the bed and crawled in after her, resting his head on her stomach. In a matter of three seconds, he fell asleep.
Lily grinned at him, struggling not to cry, and played with his soft blonde hair, the same hair Adara had. She was going to have to explain to him exactly what that meant. Cancer. He wouldn't know. He wasn't a muggle.
3
What woke Lily up wasn't Scorpius shifting to get up, his cry when he stubbed his toe, or his audible annoyance over the fact that he needed to do laundry. She didn't get up when her alarm started chirping at her or when Adara started giggling when Scorpius starting tickling her, and it definitely wasn't the hustle out on Diagon Alley. It was a soreness in her left breast.
And the realization that she was supposed to be at St. Mungo's at two. She glanced at the clock. Noon. Groaning, she rolled over and grimaced slightly at the discomfort the movement caused her. Slowly, she stood up, her hand tenderly brushing its surface. Was it supposed to be this tender? She shuddered. No.
She slipped on a pair of loose pajama pants and threw a sweatshirt on over her tanktop. She went out into the living room, Adara and Scorpius both on the floor playing with blocks. She stood in the doorway and grinned. She loved it when she could see Scorpius interact with her. He was so sweet, so gentle, so handsome. She sighed and sat down next to him on the floor.
"Is Jansen covering the shop today?"
"No. She's off."
"Then who's covering?"
"No one. I closed. No one needs a wand on a Sunday, and anyone who does knows my emergency policies." He turned his attention to Adara. "Are you sure you're going to be good for Grandmother Malfoy?"
"Yes! I love grandmam!"
"And you're going to play with Aires and Libra well?"
"Yep! We play quidditch!"
"Alright, alright. I think we should get you ready, don't you?"
"Yeah!" Adara jumped up and ran into her room, shutting the door before Scorpius could go in after her.
He shook his head and let her dress herself.
"She's not going to match," Lily said, standing up.
"Neither is Aires. It doesn't matter." Scorpius scratched his head. "It'll just be me and you today." He snaked his hands around her waist.
"I have to go to St. Mungo's," she said softly, resting her hands on his.
"Oh. Why? The cans?"
"Cancer, Scorpius. It's cancer. A malformation of cells."
"Mmm…is it ok if I go with you?"
"I don't see why not."
3
"This is going to be cold." The mediwizard took a thick blue paste and smeared it on Lily's exposed breasts. She recoiled slightly from the cold, but slowly eased into it. The mediwizard chuckled and smiled at her. "There's nothing to be nervous about. Take a deep breath. Scorpius, get over here and support your woman."
Scorpius scooted his chair over to the table and took Lily's hand, glancing up at her with an amused look on his face. He still didn't get it. He still didn't understand.
"Now, we'll let this sit for a few minutes while I perform some other tests, and then we'll be better able to determine how to beat this, ok?"
Lily nodded. The mediwizard conjured a cup of potion and gave it to her. Lily down it, grimacing against the sickeningly sweet taste. She drew some blood and put it in a cauldron in the corner, cast a few spells over it, and pointed her wand at a piece of parchment. Information streamed onto the page. She began to get nervous as the information continued to accumulate after a minute and even more anxious after two. Eventually, the information was done and she returned to do basic measurements -- heart rate, blood pressure, breathing. By then, the paste had turned into a clear gelatin. The mediwizard peeled off the gelatin and dropped it carefully in the cauldron, cast a few spells, and pointed her wand at the parchment.
It took five minutes to finish.
The healer glanced between Lily and the papers a few times before gathering the sheaves of parchment.
"I'll be right back," she said, forcing a smile and ducking out of the room.
"Shit," Lily muttered, letting go of Scorpius's hand and slipping back into her shirt.
"What's wrong?" Scoprius leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.
"This…this isn't good," Lily said, trying to keep her hands from shaking.
"Why? It's just a muggle disease. They'll probably just give you a potion and you'll be fine."
"No. No, Scorpius. No. It's not…it's not that easy…" Lily closed her eyes and sighed.
"Its just a muggle a disease. I don't know what you're freaking out about."
"It's not just a muggle disease!" She slammed her fist against the table. "More muggles die from cancer than from traffic accidents! What don't you understand about this, Scorpius? This isn't some game!"
"Lily…" Scorpius stood up and put his hands on her shoulders, his fingers tightening comfortingly. "Look at me. Witches don't die from traffic accidents. On average, a quarter of a wizard a year dies from one. Do you understand?" He brushed his hand against her cheek. "They're going to give you a potion and after a few days you'll be back to normal, ok? Everything will be fine."
Lily sighed and looked at him. She nodded and grinned weakly. He kissed her gently before the door opened.
"Err…hey, Lily," Victoire said. "Long time no see."
"I thought you were in the lycanthropy unit," Lily said, scratching her head.
"Evidently this qualifies as a mutation of the magical protein." Victoire shrugged. "This is Luz, she's from Spain. She has degrees in Muggle cancer research and is the only expert in the continent who can work with us."
"Hello," Luz said, brushing her dark hair off her face. "I just want you to know that I will do everything in my power to prevent you from getting sicker and get your life back to normal as soon as possible. That's all that's important, ok? Getting you better." Luz pulled a scroll from her pocket. "Our first priority is making sure the cancer spreads nowhere. The cancer in your left breast is advanced. It's beginning to spread to your lymph nodes. We need to remove it."
"The cancer?" Lily furrowed her brows.
"Your breast."
Lily blinked at her.
"I know it is difficult. Wizards usually do not revert to surgery. There is no need, often, with potions. But in this case, we think it the best option."
"So…you want to…surgically remove my breast…like barbaric muggles?" Her hands tightened into fists.
"Yes," Luz said.
"No," Victoire said quickly, nudging Luz in the ribs. "Not like barbaric muggles. There are no potions which can counteract this sort of cancer. We have to use non-magical solutions. Which is why Luz is here."
"Is she a muggle?" Lily asked.
"No. She isn't. Your healing time will be accompanied by magic, which will make it easier than muggle techniques. Plus, her methods are far more accurate than anything else. It's the most effective way."
"Then, after that," Luz continued. "We will give you a special potion to kill the cells. I am working on specializing it."
"Lily, are you ok?"
Lily looked at Victoire, still trying to wrap her mind around what was happening.
"This is bad, isn't it?" Her voice was small, barely audible.
"Yes," Victoire said softly.
"How…how did it get this bad?" Lily stared at the ground and tried desperately to hold back the overwhelming sinking feeling.
"It wasn't caught. Cancer isn't something we check for in auror examinations. It was a fluke Rex caught it at all."
"I thought this was a muggle disease," Scorpius said sharply.
"It is," VIctoire said.
"Then why is it such a problem? Shouldn't you be able to just magic it or something?"
"Scorpius, stop," Lily said, rubbing her face with her hands. "Just…just stop. I already explained this to you. I have abnormal protein production."
"Which is the second thing we are going to fix," Luz said. "That is Victoire's department, though."
"Why don't we just focus on the mastectomy first?" Victoire said.
"Is it really necessary?" Lily looked up at her, feeling the tears stinging the edge of her eyes.
"Yes."
"Is there…is there another option?"
"Death," Luz said. "One year. Maybe."
Lily struggled to breathe, the image of Adara flashing before her eyes. Her fingernails dug into her palm. She clenched her jaw.
"How…how can she die from a muggle disease?" Scorpius asked, his voice trembling. "How can she die like a muggle?"
"She isn't going to die if she cooperates," Victoire said.
"I don't understand…" Scorpius shifted. "It's just…she's a witch…"
"I know, it's rare," Luz said. "Not unheard of. I believe there is a couple in Cornwall who went through something similar. I will give you contact information. There is an entire network throughout the eurozone. I do not know all the names. But they are there."
"Lily." Victoire put her hand on her shoulder. "Do you have any questions?"
"Am I going to be able to go back to work?"
"Yes. At least four days before you can back to desk work and at least eight weeks before you can return to aurorship. However, we want to try to get your protein levels to normalize. Until they regulate, you shouldn't return to a high-magic position."
"What…how…is this going to affect me…physically?"
"You're going to be flat on the left side, and after you'll probably have some pain in your arm. It depends on how much Luz has to take to ensure your health."
"And if this doesn't work?"
"The bulk of the cancerous material will be gone. There is a little in your other breast, but it should be able to be killed with the potion and maintained with the increased protein production."
Lily bit her lip. She glanced at Scorpius. He looked paler than usual.
"I am going to schedule three appointments -- once a week for three weeks -- so we can go over what needs to be done for the procedure. At the end of the month, we will perform it. Then, we can continue treatment," Luz said.
"Try not to get too stressed out about this, Lily. You're going to be fine," Victoire said.
Lily nodded weakly.
3
Adara fell asleep on the floor, her little arms wrapped around her stuffed animal and her mouth open and drooling. Lily watched her, her arms wrapped around her knees. What would happen if she died? Scorpius couldn't take care of her alone. Her mum would step in, as would his, but…it wouldn't be the same. She had seen Flora grow up without a father, Teddy dead by the time she was five. Would this be the same?
No. No it wouldn't. She wasn't dieing in service. She was dieing of cancer. A muggle disease. Fuck. She closed her eyes, her heart squeezing against the thought. Of all the ways to die, without a breast and her body pumped full of disease was not the way to go. A well-placed cursed, an ancient jinx, a malicious hex. Sure. Those were good ways to die, ways that would make her remembered. But cancer? What rightful witch or wizard got cancer? Squibs got cancers. Low-magical wizards and witches got cancer. Not members of the Order of the Phoenix. Not aurors. Not Slytherins.
Scorpius sunk next to her. He wrapped his arm around her, the thick scent of potion and wood marking him as just finishing a batch.
"You're thinking about it again, aren't you?" Scorpius whispered, pressing her against his body.
"I…I can't not…"
"You're not going to die, Lily." His grip tightened on her shoulder. "I won't let it happen."
"How can you say that? You have no control."
"Do you want to die like this?" His tone was harsh. "Is that what you want?"
"No. It's not. How can you say something like that?"
"The way you're acting is like you've already given up. Why are you acting like this?" He rested his head on hers. "This isn't what you want. What do you want?"
"What are you asking?"
"How do you want…how do you want to die?"
"Not like this!" She could feel the tears start to overwhelm her.
"Then how?" He gently took her hand and rubbed the back of her hand.
She shifted against him, her shoulder brushing across his muscled chest.
"I don't know," she whispered. "I don't know, Scorpius. I don't know!"
"It's ok. What do you want? What do you want from this?"
"I…I guess I want…I want to…to live?" She struggled to swallow the fear rising in her throat.
"You don't sound certain."
"How can you say that?" Tears started flowing.
"Say it again, Lil. This time like you mean it." He wrapped his arms tightly around her, protecting her.
"I want to…to live…"
"Again," he whispered in her ear, his voice low and rough.
"I want to live." Her tone matched his.
"Do you really want it?" His hand brushed across her inner thigh. She felt her body begin to respond.
"Yes." She put her hand on top of his.
"Honestly?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes."
He started to rub her thigh. "You want to really live? No matter how hard it gets? No matter how long it takes?"
"Y-yes…"
"You don't want to give up?"
"No."
"You want to live up to Slytherin?"
"I...yes…"
"You promise?"
"…yes."
"Yes? You don't sound sure." He stopped rubbing her leg.
"I'm just…not sure…I can do it…alone…" She turned to look at him, the tears hanging on the edges of her eyelashes.
"I won't leave you, Lily." He brushed the tears off her cheek with his hand.
"You promise?"
"Absolutely."
"No matter how pissy I get?"
"I'll be here."
"No matter how long it is?"
"I'm not leaving."
"No matter how useless I get?"
"I'm never going to let you be alone, Lily."
"You promise?"
"Yes."
He kissed her, ignoring the wetness on her cheeks and their sleeping girl on the floor, and she returned the gesture.