(Author's Note: This is just another silly crack fic one-shot. Technically it takes place after my other story, but that hardly matters. In case it's confusing, Urz lives on the Normandy as Commander Shepard's pet varren. And of course, Bioware owns everything.)
Miranda sat at her desk, idly scanning the Extranet for black leather boots. She hadn't been able to get all the blood off her last pair. Luckily Miranda had found the link to a great boutique through her favorite magazine subscription, After Dark Fashions. She "oohed" aloud over a pair that went midway up the thighs with 4 ½ inch heels. Those would certainly turn a few heads…
The door to her office opened with a quiet "whoosh" and in walked her polar opposite: Commander Delta Shepard. Miranda hurriedly minimized the shoe site and pretended to be diligently filling out mission reports.
"I got your message. You needed something?" Shepard asked, falling into the leather chair opposite the XO's desk and casually crossing one leg over the other.
Miranda eyed the suspicious stains all over the commander's dark cargo pants and tight white tank-top. "What in the galaxy are you covered in?"
"I was with Garrus."
Miranda's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline, and Shepard blushed scarlet. "Oh space, you have a dirty mind. It's just grease from the Hammerhead. We're trying to upgrade its shields."
"Any success?"
"I think it might survive a direct hit from bird droppings now."
"That's something, at least," Miranda sighed and leaned back in her chair for a moment before pushing a datapad across the desktop in the commander's direction.
"What's this?" Shepard asked, picking it up.
"Memo from Cerberus HR. They've sent out their figures for the last fiscal year."
Shepard eyed the lengthy document. "Can you just give me the highlights? I'd rather not read all of this; that's what I have you for."
Miranda folded her hands. "We are currently the most successful cell operating in Cerberus."
"Because we've had zero casualties instead of 100% casualties?"
Miranda frowned. "Now that's not entirely fair. If you'd read the datapad, you'd know that average casualties are down to 83%, even without taking us into account."
Shepard snorted disdainfully.
"Anyway, due to our success, HR has decided they want to devote some special attention to us. They hope to use us as an example to other cells, so they don't want to see us implode now. They're most concerned over the volatility of some of your squad, and they want us to participate in a teambuilding workshop."
"A what?"
Miranda did not look pleased. "A teambuilding workshop. Next week they're going to send someone over to run us through teambuilding exercises."
Shepard scowled. "Absolutely not. We're saving the galaxy, not running an accounting firm or something. We don't have time for that kind of nonsense."
"It's non-negotiable, I'm afraid."
"This is my ship and I say no."
Miranda leaned over to point at something on the datapad. "They guessed you would have that reaction. If you look, you'll see that they've offered us a very generous stipend for our cooperation."
Shepard read the large number and let out a low whistle. "Wow. With that we could get that damn Hammerhead properly upgraded."
"That sum will greatly help our mission. I know there's a long list of upgrades we need, plus that property damage bill from the last bar you took everyone to," Miranda said, her voice dripping with disapproval.
"Yeah, in hindsight I probably shouldn't have let Grunt do karaoke with so many turians around," Shepard reflected thoughtfully.
"I had no idea there were so many euphemisms for ripping out their fringe piece by piece. Garrus wasn't too pleased, as I recall."
Shepard sighed. "Okay, fine, maybe some teambuilding wouldn't hurt."
"Mordin wasn't too thrilled with his line about baby salarian fritters, either."
"Okay, okay!"
"You have got to be shitting me, Shepard," Jack said loudly.
Shepard stood in the comm room with her motley squad of murderers, vigilantes, and psychopaths. "I'm afraid not, Jack."
"That's bullshit, and I'm not doing it. I didn't sign up for the damn Boy Scouts." The tattooed woman crossed her arms in front of her nearly-bare chest and curled her lip in disgust.
Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose to ward off her swiftly approaching headache. "I don't like it either, Jack, okay? I know it's a waste of time, but they're going to pay us a lot for it. If we just put up with this for a few hours, you'll never have to ride in the Hammerhead while it's actively on fire again."
Jack seemed almost persuaded by that.
"You'll upgrade the Hammerhead? No more spontaneous explosions?" Tali asked hopefully.
Shepard nodded. "If everyone cooperates and we get the money, you have my word."
The squad exchanged glances before coming to a collective decision.
"We'll do it."
Shepard did not like Alec Lowenthal, the Cerberus HR rep. He was an overly cheerful brownnoser… sort of like Kelly, but at least Kelly was sincere. Alec was dressed in pressed pants and a t-shirt that read 'Cerberus Team Day 2185'.
"I brought a bunch, so your whole squad can have one!" He'd said, although Shepard had a feeling that all of the shirts would be mysteriously destroyed before the end of the day.
"Team Day" was being held in the spacious cargo bay. Shepard's squad stood around with expressions ranging from "unenthusiastic" to "murderous". Alec addressed them with a clap of his hands.
"Okay, guys! Who's ready to have some fun today?"
Silence.
Alec cleared his throat, and Shepard could see from the nervous way he wrung his hands that he was out of his element. As a Cerberus employee, he probably hadn't worked so closely with so many aliens before. "Now this is a pretty new experience for me today. Usually we don't do these kinds of programs for our paramilitary branches, so you guys must be something special!"
More silence.
"O-okay. Let's just get started, shall we? I know you guys have been working together for a while now, but let's play some icebreakers so I can get to know you. And maybe you'll learn something about each other in process! Let's all sit in a circle." Alec said, his voice the very picture of forced optimism.
The squad reluctantly shuffled into position. Alec visibly steeled himself and squished in between Thane and Samara. "Let's all go around the circle and say your name, and one thing you would take if you were stranded on a deserted planet. I'll start. My name is Alec, and I would take my favorite book, Sergeant Sam and the Star Stealers."
He turned and started expectantly at Samara, who raised her elegant chin and spoke softly. "My name is Samara, and I would have no need of anything."
"Very good. Who's next?"
"Can we kill things on the planet?" Grunt asked.
"W-what? No, there's no one else there," Alec said uncomfortably.
Grunt looked incredulous. "Nothing? What the hell are we supposed to do all day, then?"
"Grunt," Shepard quietly prompted him.
The krogan made a 'hmph' sound. "Fine. I would bring a bunch of turians to kill."
Garrus closed his eyes, quietly asking the spirits for patience.
"If you bring turians, you wouldn't be able to bring anything to kill them with," Zaeed pointed out helpfully.
"I don't need weapons. I can rip the first one's head off and then beat the others to death with that."
"Of course, mate. Well, I'm Zaeed and I would bring a gun and shoot myself in the head because there's no goddamn way I'm living on some goddamn deserted planet," Zaeed twisted his scarred face into a lopsided and frightening grin.
The rest of the icebreaker went in much the same fashion, with Alec becoming more and more visibly uncomfortable. Shepard noted that even her saner squadmates like Jacob and Garrus were deliberately picking wild and ridiculous answers to rile up the Cerberus rep. (She probably would have noticed by now if Garrus required human virgins for daily sacrificial offerings.) Shepard wasn't sure whether to be amused or exasperated.
It would be a long day.
"So how did you get out of participating in this?"
Shepard looked over her shoulder to see Joker hobbling over from the elevator. The pilot sat down next to her on the crate she occupied.
"Jack tried to drop a box on Miranda's head, and I intervened just in time. Alec agreed that maybe I should sit back and monitor everyone after that. What are you doing down here?"
"Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss this for anything," He said, waving a hand at the scene before them.
Alec's newest game was a blindfolded obstacle course. He had paired everyone up and blindfolded one of them, instructing the other to navigate their partner through weaving mazes of crates and junk. It was going about as well as expected.
"Half-quarter turn to left six steps forward adjust position seventy-five degrees to the right continue eight steps-"
"Mordin! Shut the fuck up! Give me one direction at a time!" Jack stood blindfolded, her hands held out uncertainly.
The salarian took a breath. "Half-quarter turn."
Jack complied. "That's better."
"Now to the left six steps forward then rotate to right take eight steps now sidestep three feet to left—"
Jack stumbled and ripped off her blindfold viciously. "That is it! I am not putting up with this bullshit anymore. Are you on fucking crack?"
"Crack. Free base form of tropane alkaloid cocaine. Impure, contains sodium bicarbonate. In humans, causes vasoconstriction, dilated pupils, increased temperature. Fatal in salarians. Obviously not taking."
Jack advanced on Mordin. "I am going to rip off your stupid little head stalk and give you two matching stubs."
"Jack!" Shepard called warningly.
The angry woman gritted her teeth together loudly, clenching her fists, before going to sit down against the wall and watch the others. Mordin trailed after her, seemingly oblivious to her homicidal mood. The little salarian pecked away at his Omni-Tool. "Forwarding pamphlet on dangers of habitual drug use."
"Shut up, Mordin!"
Joker grinned. "Oh, this is great. I should have brought some popcorn. Do you want me to get Gardner to bring us some?"
Shepard gently slugged him in the shoulder. "Behave, Joker. The last thing I need is someone else to babysit. Shouldn't you be in the cockpit?"
"Eh, EDI has it under control."
"Goddess!" Samara cursed, her voice still calm and soft even as she leaned down to rub her shin where it had hit the corner of a crate.
"Zaeed, please focus on the task at hand," The asari matriarch turned her head in the mercenary's general direction. Zaeed was lounging on top of yet another crate, using a wickedly sharp dagger to pick at his fingernails.
"Sorry, Samara. I guess those goddamn melons you're smuggling around on your chest are too distracting."
Samara set her lips in a thin line. "Zaeed, I would thank you not to make disparaging comments about my body."
"And I'd thank you if you showed me your tits, Granny."
Joker was almost doubled over from laughter, and Shepard was biting the inside of her cheeks to keep from joining him.
Garrus and Legion were making pitifully slow progress as well.
"Given our recordings of Garrus Vakarian's top speeds both in and out of combat, we calculate that the fastest way to reach to the end of this course would be to cross directly over the crates," Legion beeped.
"Yeah, well, I'm not allowed to do that, Legion."
"We do not understand an exercise intentionally designed to be inefficient."
"I don't either. Just give me directions."
"Very well. Remove the blindfold to increase efficiency by 200%."
"Damnit, Legion!"
Meanwhile, Tali had tied a few blindfolds together to make one large enough for Grunt's head. The quarian stood back to give him directions. "Walk forward. Okay, keep going… now stop. No, I said stop. Stop, Grunt!"
Grunt continued to walk forward like the unstoppable force he was, pushing heavy crates out of his way with his legs and barely slowing down. He reached the opposite wall and took off the blindfold triumphantly. "That was easy!" He crowed, while Tali covered her face with one hand.
"Disqualified! Teamwork, people! Teamwork!" Alec practically shrieked in exasperation.
Kasumi and Jacob were being much more conventionally successful, even if Kasumi was ogling Jacob's ass like a schoolgirl. Instead of staying back and shouting directions, she followed closely behind him throughout the entire course. Very closely.
"Kasumi?"
"I'm right here."
"I know. I feel like you're really, really close to me" Jacob said with growing paranoia in his voice, waving his hands around in the air.
Kasumi artfully dodged his fumbling hands. "No, you have plenty of space," She said innocently.
Jacob waved his hands around a bit more as he continued forward. "I just can't shake the feeling that someone is staring at me. What was that? Did something grab me?"
"Don't be ridiculous; you're imagining things," Kasumi said as she idly sifted through Jacob's wallet before putting it back
As soon as Miranda tied on Thane's blindfold, the drell was off before the brunette could utter a word, strolling through the obstacle course at a leisurely walk. He swiftly surpassed Kasumi and Jacob, completing the course without a single misstep.
Alec stared open-mouthed.
"I guess he doesn't know how drell memories work, does he?" Joker asked with a mean-spirited snicker.
"I don't think he knows how any of us work at all," Shepard said thoughtfully.
The HR rep left quickly, obviously frightened and disheartened by his experience. Shepard noticed that before anyone on her squad had the chance to vandalize the "Team Day" t-shirts, Urz had gotten a hold of them and dragged the entire lot back to his bed. Any attempt to remove the shirts was met with a sharp-toothed snap.
The entire squad was cheerful and relieved to see Alec Lowenthal go, Shepard included.
"I just checked our accounts, Commander, and the credits have been deposited," Miranda said.
"Excellent! We can go pick up some parts tomorrow, and the Hammerhead will be a formidable machine by the end of the week," Garrus added.
"We need to celebrate. Who wants to go to Dark Star? Drinks are on me," Shepard suggested.
"Commander…" Miranda said warningly.
"Don't worry. No karaoke this time."
As usual, things got exciting when the squad went out. While they kept to their promise to avoid karaoke, it wasn't long before things went downhill anyway. A drunken human pinched Jack's rear and was biotically thrown through the wall for his trouble. When the man's friends and the bouncer came to apprehend Jack, Mordin came to her aid with a well-aimed shock from his Omni-Tool and an entire bar brawl erupted.
True to form, when things got rough the squad came together.
A burly man came up behind Tali and wrapped an arm around her waist. "Damn quarians, causing trouble wherever you go."
The man let go immediately when Grunt displaced his nose with a large krogan fist. Two turians behind Grunt began to draw out their pistols only to have Garrus smash their heads together. Fortunately, the squad was able to retreat before C-Sec arrived on the scene.
As they walked back to the Normandy, Shepard rubbed her knuckles painfully. "Ow! I think I might have broken a finger."
"You did punch that krogan really hard, no gloves or anything," Garrus said, impressed.
"You'd think I'd learn my lesson and just start wearing my armor when we go out. My life is too dangerous for cute outfits, apparently."
"You don't need them anyway. You're cute enough as it is," Garrus purred.
"Flattery? Someone wants to stay in the captain's cabin tonight."
"Maybe. Maybe I just want you to do the heavy lifting when we get working on the Hammerhead tomorrow."
Shepard grinned at him and watched her squad walking around her. Zaeed was spitting curses as Samara dabbed at a bloody cut along his forearm, while Jacob was excitedly recapping Thane's swift takedown of three krogan. They may be a dangerous and unpredictable group of misfits, but damnit if they weren't her misfits.
Garrus seemed to read her mind. "We'll be fine, won't we?"
"Damn right we will. I don't care if we violate every rule of "teambuilding" in the galaxy. You guys are my group of complete crazies. We could walk into a Reaper's mouth and come back out in one piece."
"Again, you mean."
"Yep. The Reapers can bring it on."