Chapter One

I'd been expecting this day for a while. I knew it was going to come, had prepared myself, but it hadn't been sufficient enough to cope with the reality of the situation I was now facing.

There she lay, cold, and stiff in front of me, and still as beautiful as ever. A small, sad smile appeared on my lips. She was so beautiful, her short dark hair, her beautiful eyes, her pale yet lovely skin. She had died never really knowing how incredible she really was, never accepting that her cancer self could be the gorgeous creature that I saw in my eyes.

Shortly after we came back from Amsterdam she received the bad news. The Phalanxifor had stopped working; the tumours had started to grow again. I went to the hospital with her and her parents when she found out. I had been holding her hand at the time, and as soon as the words were out Dr Maria's mouth, I felt her grip suddenly weaken. I looked at her. Her mouth had fallen open, and she was just staring straight into the nothingness, tears slowly forming in her eyes. They didn't get a chance to fall though, because within a matter of seconds she was sat up straight again, tensed slightly, the glazed over look gone from her eyes.

'So, I guess this is it then? I finally have an expiry date?'

An audible sob came from her father at this point, he'd been crying since we sat down in Dr Marias office. I turned around to see tears streaking noiselessly down her mother's face. I realised my cheeks felt wet too, in fact they were soaked. I didn't know what to think. My ears were ringing; my heart was beating impossibly fast. At one moment, I thought I was going to faint, but I had to stay strong here for Hazel. Hazel. My First. I had wanted her to be my last too, but I had known that could never happen. Hazel, I loved her more that I could possibly explain to her in any amount of words.

I remember the first day I saw her. Sat there across the room, her oxygen canister by her side, a ghostly apparition of Caroline. But not Caroline. Very much not Caroline. She was so different. I knew that I had to see more of her from the very moment she spoke.

She hadn't wanted to be a grenade, but I didn't care. I'd take all the pain in the world for another day with her. It seems that's what I've been given anyway.

After a time limit had been put on the life of Hazel Lancaster, I made it my mission to spend every possible moment with her. I took to sleeping at her house, on the floor next to her bed. Most nights I just watched her sleep until I could physically stay awake no longer. I couldn't, wouldn't let the darkness take her away while I was asleep. At the slightest change in her breathing my heart leapt in terror. The nights shortly before her death were the worst. She was visibly getting worse and there was nothing I could do to help her, to stop the agony she was so clearly in.

I cried most of the time she was asleep, which was an awful lot of time near the end. I didn't want to let her see me succumb to the crushing misery in the day, she wouldn't have liked that. I saw how much it killed her to see her parents cry. Her mother tried to hide it, pretty convincingly faking a smile every now and then, but her father was in pieces. We all felt what he showed.

'I don't want to do this anymore. Why can't I just die! I can't see them crying anymore, this hurts more than all the cancer in the world! The sooner you don't all have to see me like this, the sooner you can forget about me and move on.' As If I was ever going to manage that.

'This is the worst part. The elongation of their, your misery. If this cancers going to kill me, then why is it taking so damn long! I want you to be free, doesn't it realise that? I want you to let go…'

She started crying then. She hadn't done much of that, but after witnessing one of her father's frequent break downs, the emotion had overcome her. Hazel, my Hazel, trying to protect us even in the face of a terminal disease.

'Hazel Grace.' I said, my voice thick with emotion, 'How can you still be thinking of someone else when you're sat here trying to face a fatal illness? And don't for a minute think that any of us could forget you. I love you with everything I have; and I'll never stop that for a minute. I wouldn't trade one second of the time I've had with you for the world, and don't you forget that. You're worth all the pain in the universe, Hazel Grace, and for that I'll never stop loving you.'

She looked at me then; with I swear to god the most heart-breaking smile I had ever seen. It took everything I had not to fall to pieces right there. It was mixture of pain, love, indescribable sadness, and that little quality that only Hazel has, that makes you fall in love just a little more with her every time you see it.

She died two days after that incident. I was watching her sleep, just like every night when she started to make a choking noise. I stood up immediately, screaming for her parents. Panic stricken, her parents ran into the room, their faces set in masks of terror, with just a little bit of sheer agony thrown into the mix. I imagine my face matched theirs, but I didn't really have time to think of this as I scooped Hazel up out of her bed and ran to the front door, her mother and father trailing behind me. I could have been carrying a small bird for all the weight Hazel had. She had been losing it rapidly since she had been told the Phalanxifor had ceased to work, and I couldn't imagine her to be more than five stone at that moment.

We raced to the hospital, Hazel unconscious in the backseat of the car. Two minutes after we finally made it to the emergency room, she was in the ICU, hooked up to all sorts of monitors and machines.

She had never looked weaker than she did at that moment. I collapsed into the chair beside her bed and held her hand. It was ice cold. Her parents stood at the end of the bed, an endless stream of tears rushing down each of their faces, well beyond inconsolable, and certainly unable to speak. They just stared at her, knowing what I refused to accept; that these were going to be her last few minutes.

'Hey'. The words came through as a barely audible whisper, but I looked down to see her eyes partially open, staring straight up at me. The tears started to leave my own eyes then.

'Hey Hazel Grace' I whispered back, my face wet with tears.

'So I guess this is it then? The end. My finale. The start of my journey to infinity and beyond, to paraphrase Toy Story. It's certainly not what I expected. And definitely not as romantic as the movies would like you to believe'.

'Well, film makers would have you believe excretion was romantic if they wanted to. Besides, you have a handsome prince-esque character by your side, surely that's enough?' I flashed my side grin at her, the one I know she loved.

She smiled back, weakly.

'Well, I suppose that will have to do, perhaps a kiss for the road then, fair prince?'

I leaned in and kissed her lightly on the cheek. Why were we doing this? It was the most inappropriate time for jokes and we were still trying to add humour to the situation.

'I love you, Hazel Grace, and I always will. Don't you ever forget that.'

'I love you too Augustus Waters, and don't YOU ever forget that.'

'Okay'. She smiled and said it back to me. I remember telling her that was going to be our always, she hadn't forgotten. She started coughing loudly them, thick, phlegmy coughs reserved for only the tragically ill. I stepped back alarmed, and several doctors came rushing over, one putting some sort of mask over her face that I assumed was to help her breath. When they had stabilised her, they left. One put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a sad look. I knew that our time was almost over. I grabbed her hand again, tighter this time and said with urgency;

'I love you Hazel Grace, you know that right, with all my heart I love you. Okay? Okay.'

I couldn't physically speak anymore; the tears were coming so fast. With one weak arm she removed the mask from her face.

'I love you, Augustus Waters. See you on the other side.'

Her eyes closed softly, and she was gone. I don't think I spoke for about five days after. I stopped crying after two, but only due to dehydration or something I imagine. She'd gone, my Hazel had gone. They say about it getting easier. But I can't imagine it ever will. No, I don't think it ever will.