Chapter 1: Boring Exposition
AN: No real smut in this chapter so if you're a disgusting pervert like I am you may as well skip straight to chapter two, you sicko.
It was a normal day in the Town of Gothem City, New York. Aunt May attending the American Ortodox Cathilic Church she went to every day for Mass. But aunt may was bored, and wanted more excitement in her life than going to church and getting kidnaped by supervillens every week. She wanted to go back to the naughty furry police yiff nights she would have with Uncle Ben, before that bitch Spooderman got him kilt.
Then suddenly, a big blak negro walked into the church in his traditional American oritidox preist robes (American falg patterned) it was…SNOOP DAWG!11 and Eminem was with him dressed in an M&M outfit.
"Like, WTF is going on?" asked someone unimportiant in the crowd.
"Yo, like, your regiular preacher cudnt make it, so he sent us to give the sermon istead." Explained Eminen
"O" sed the background charecter.
Aunt May was horrified. Everyone knowed that only white people could be American ortidox priests.
"This is a freakin outrage!" she screemed angrily. "It is a very affront to our lard and savior George Washington for a black guy to lead a congregation!" she sed racistly in a way that is totally in character.
Eminem turned angrily to face her "I think this bitch needs a leson in STFU!:" he snarled.
But Snoop Dawg put up his hand in quiet wisdom. Truly he was black Jebus.
And then for the 1st tiem evar Snoop took off his sunglasses,and he walked up to Sally Field and handed her a fat joint. He then gave a wise little smile and walked off to give his blessibngs of wisdom to the rest of da congrination.
Snoop tried to give a joint to a guy in the crowd who was the bad guy from spiderman 3, but he just smaked the joint away and sed "theres no way im gonna accept a doobie smoking nigga as a presit."! He yelled rasistly
Eminiem whipped toward the guy "Wat da Fuk di you just say you lil shit!" He yelled so loudly he busted a blood vessel.
"I said Im not gonna accept a nigga in dis church!" he yelled bak
Eminem pulled out his unregistered firearm and pointed it at the bad guys hed. "You cant say that" he frothed at the mouth "Only black ppl are allowed to use dat word!" (don't woray guize, im allowed to use it cuz im blak IRL)
"Well gee" sed the bad guy "It's a good thing Imma blak person too." And then he shapeshitted into a black version of Spooderman exept he had a retarded-ass grin on his stupid face. It was….VENOM!
"Holy Shit!" yelled Eminem. And then he pulled out hs unregistered firearm and startred shooting at the illegal alien.
But the boolets just bounced off harmlessly. And Venom laffed menacingly at the white gansta rapper.
"You cant kill me!" yelled Venom "Im one of the most popular charecters in all of da Marvel universe! Who are you?"
"I'm Eminem, Bitch!" said eminen and then he pointed his unregistered firarm at the American ortidox church's stepple and shooted it.
"WTF R U trying 2 do?" asked Venom.
"This…." Said Eminem. Suddenly the church's bell crashed down from the steeple right towards Venom. It was…The liberty Bell!"
Venom screemed like a bitch and tried to run, but it was too late and he was smashed flatter than Kirsten Dunst's performance as Mary Jane.
"Taste Freedom, Muthafukka!" yelled Eminem.
But Aunt May (who is still the main character) was too excited by all the excitement and was goint into cardiac arrest.
"OMFG" yelled someone. "Someone do something!"
"Oh shit." Sed Emimnenm "If only we had Dr. Dre with us, he'd know wat to do."
"We need to calm her down." Sed the alter boy "I know wat to do!"
And then the brave and sexy alter boy pulled out a lighter, lit the joint and shoved it into Aunt May's hyperventilating mouth.
Aunt May calmed down instantly.
"OMFG" sed Eminem "You just saved that bitch's life."
Aunt May opened her eyes and stared into the sexy alter boy's eyes. They were da most beautifulest things she had ever seen. Her eyes moved down to his chest, he was extremely buff and his arms rippled with his manly testosterone-ridden muscles. And then her eyes moved down to his crotch area, and it was so amazing that she would have gotten a boner if she were a guy, but she wasn't so she didn't.
"Y-y-you saved me." Said Aunt May.
"I know" said the alter boy deeply.
"I feel like I should give you some sort of reward." Said Aunt may as her sexy eyes sized up her rescuer. "But wuldnt you know it. I've left my purse at home."
"I'll go to your house with you, so you can give me my reward." Said the orgasm-inducing alter boy.
"That sounds like a good idea" said Aunt May "OMFG, where da fuk are my fuking manners! I never asked you my name!" she said in character.
"My name is Jeremy, I'm 15 years old, and I'm the guy who requsted this story." Said the alter boy who is now named Jeromy.
"Oh" said aunt may passionetly.
"You probably think I have issues for requesting a smutfic between two 15-yr olds and a 60-something year old comic book character…." Said Jeremy dejectedy.
"Not at all." Said the 60-something commix book character. "I have a lot of kinky fetishes two."
"really?" said Jeremy all sensitively.
"really." Said Sally Field, and then she grabbed Jerome and gave him a big kiss!
Jermemy was speechless. "…" he said.
"There's no need words" said the elderly seductress "Why don't we go to my place and I can show you how much I truly appreciate your rescue."
"K" said Jeremy, showing off his deep and complex character traits.
And then they headed to the shithole apartment that Aunt May and her stupid nephew lived at. But dats 4 da next chapter.