This just came to mind and I really wanted to write how I feel this conversation would go. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the characters.
This better be freaking good, Mustang. Edward grumbled in his mind.
Never in the year in a half of being a State Alchemist, has Mustang ever kept him after receiving the younger alchemist's report. The sooner they departed from each other's presence, the better for everyone. Once those two got arguing, there was no stopping them.
"A little tweedy bird whispered something in my ear today," Mustang rested his back against his large cushion chair. "and it's made my point of view change a bit."
"Did this 'bird' tell say you've got a few screws loose? Cause if you're hearing birds talk I think we need to have a little therapy lesson." Edward scoffed, resting his chin in his gloved palm.
Edward really had no time for this. Alphonse was waiting for him at the library so the two could do a little research before the colonel sent him on their next mission. Actually, the entire team looked at unease when he arrived for his report. Even the stoic Lieutenant Hawkeye glanced from himself to the colonel's door as if expecting something to happen that day.
"My head is screwed on just fine, thank you very much," The Colonel got up and seated himself casually on the opposite couch of Edward's. The alchemist raised a blonde eyebrow, but said nothing. Could have fooled me.
For what logical reason would the colonel ask him to stay behind—without Al? Was it another private lead? Another reckons mission? Oh God—he wasn't being asked to commit mass murder already, was he? The Führer couldn't be asking him to fulfill his duties as a human weapon so soon, could he? As far as he knew, there was only conflict with Drachma in the North, and Aerugo to the South. It hasn't gotten that serious, has it?
"Are you aware of the phrase: The Birds and The Bees?" Mustang halted Edward's thoughts with only a few words. That was…unexpected. It actually had nothing to do with a war at all.
"The birds and the what—?" Edward partially repeated, his head tilting in confusion.
"The Bees."
"I got that," Edward sat up, slightly interested. "What are birds doing with bees?"
"Ah, so no one has given you 'The Talk', then?" Mustang inquired.
"The talk about what?" Edward was still confused. "Why do people need to talk to me about birds and bees?"
"You see Edward, when a man and a woman love each other very much—"
"Oh my god!" Edward exclaimed, standing to his feet. "You are not giving me that talk right now! And why are you referring it as 'The Birds and The Bees'?!"
"I thought you said no one—"
"No one told me anything about birds and bees!" Edward stormed around the room, fuming. "And who on earth told you I never got that talk?!"
"Hughes…," Mustang started, but faltered after Ed's demonic glare. "might have mentioned something…"
"And you thought it would be a good idea to tell me yourself!?" Until now, the redness on Edward's cheeks was discreet. At this very moment, his whole face burned like a flaming tomato.
"It's not like I wanted to have this conversation either!" Mustang retorted, leaning his elbows on his knees. "I drew the short stick here, kid."
"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A TINY LITTLE PIPSQUEAK!" Edward roared.
Mustang ignored his usual ranting. "Are you trying to tell me you already know about sex?"
"Gah!" Edward pulled at his hair. "Don't say that word so casually!" Edward's entire body was on fire. From fury or embarrassment, Roy might never know.
"If you already know, then who told you?" Roy was dead curious.
"People do talk, ya know, in bars and around town. I hear things too, I have ears, moron." Mustang skipped the insult. "Besides, I already heard the talk from Granny Pinako years ago. You're a little late."
Mustang couldn't respond. He didn't know how to. Dammit Hughes! Ten minutes wasted on something completely ridiculous!
"Do you think Edward knows about sex?" Hughes popped the question in the office one morning after talking about going out for drinks that night.
"What kind of question is that?" Roy grumbled. "I don't know."
"Think about it, his father abandoned him before he was two, and his mother passed on when he was five. I don't think he was ever given the "Talk "about sex before, at least not by his parents." Hughes had a point.
"So, what?" Mustang signed a few papers and handed them to the Lieutenant. "You gonna give him the 'Talk' then?"
"Me? Oh no, Roy-Boy. That's your job."
"W-what?" Roy fumbled with his words with a shocked look on his face. Even the Lieutenant looked surprised. "Why me?"
"Because, you may not agree with it, but you're the closest thing those boys have to some kind of father-figure. The only person who should be giving this talk to Edward is you, Roy."
Mustang groaned, his head falling into his hands. "You're dismissed, Fullmetal. I need time to think."
"Whatever," Heavy footsteps sounded from around the room until they paused right before the door.
"What is it now, Fullmetal?"
Edward still hesitated before asking his next question, which had Roy snapping his gloves faster than Edward could clap is hands.
"What's it called when two guys love each other?"
And there ya go.