Cross The Distance.
We are close to touching, but we don't.
As long as there is someone watching, we never do. Not even a single brush, an accidental touch, a lingering look. Nothing.
That is the distance between me and Kyouya-senpai. That is the distance that is too short to be called long, but too long to be short. That is the distance I cannot cross, the invisible wall he'll only let down if we're all alone.
He is so close I can smell the shampoo he uses, so close I can see how a little sweat drop falls over his forehead, so close to see every move in detail.
So close, but so very, very far.
He is so close, but too far away to touch. Too far away to be close. Too far away to be too close.
He looks up, and he's so close that I can see how he bashes his dark eyelashes, how he looks at me and gives me that look that's telling I'm too close even though I'm so far. So I nod so subtle only he sees it and look away, distance myself even more.
As long as there are eyes on us, as long as we're inside the Host Club, as long as there is any chance of people seeing us, he's out of my reach.
Sometimes, I hate him for that.
Sometimes, that makes me want to scream, makes me feel so useless and second place.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't love him, that he would be close or far, but not both of them.
But it's out of my reach and I can't change it. It's impossible to not love him. Even though, he makes me wonder,
Does he really love me too?
I can't stand those metres between us. I can't stand the distance, the coldness, the way he can be so close but way too far.
If he loves me like I love him, how come he is so okay with it? How come he's just fine with being like this? How come he can walk in and out of my life, just like that?
How come he is okay with this screaming distance between us?
I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with any of this. He catches me staring at him once more and once more he gives me that meaningful look, but I can't help it.
I can't help being in love and hating every second of it.
I can't stand being so far away from him. If he doesn't care, then I won't care either. It's not like Kyouya-senpai would be hurt if this was all over.
Maybe it'd all be easier for him too.
I don't know what I'm trying to do, but without a word I stand up. I can feel the eyes of the fangirls glued to my back, because I just left the side of my oh-so-precious twin. But Hikaru is always there, he's close and he's never far. It's not Hikaru I'm thinking about now.
It has never been him, when Kyouya-senpai was so close.
He ignores me, even though I just know he can see me coming, he can see me walking up to him. He thinks I can't cross this distance, maybe he doesn't even want me to cross the distance. Maybe be wants to keep me far away from him, making himself believe I am close. Maybe he doesn't want to love me.
But that's too bad, because all those things he might hate so much are what I want.
My hand touches his shoulder before I know what's happening, and I can hear the girls hold their breath.
"Is there something you want, Kaoru?" he asks, not even reacting.
And his voice sounds so cold, I jerk my hand back, almost as if I burned it. His voice puts me right back to where I started, far, far away, while I'm standing so damn close.
He never lets anyone come close.
"No, it's nothing," I tell him, because it's never anything.
It's always nothing and never everything. It's always far and it's almost close. It's him and it's me, but it's never us.
Will never be us.
I cannot get passed that border. I cannot climb over the wall. I cannot cross the distance after all.
He won't let me.
He'll never let me.
He's the one crossing the distance, he's the one breaking down the wall, he's the one stepping over the border. It's him, always him who has control, who does everything.
So I continue with pretending I'm in love with my twin brother, I continue pretending that I honestly don't care about Kyouya-senpai. I just keep pretending, because there is no one who'll notice anyway.
I can't close the distance, and I can't get close, so I'll have to wait until he does.
We are so close to falling in love, but we never really do.
When the fangirls leave, the noise slowly dies inside the Third Music Room. Of course, there's still Tamaki screaming around, Honey's happy voice, Hikaru and Haruhi's talking and,
The screeching sound of a chair.
I look up and watch how Kyouya packs his things, slowly, as if he isn't even realising he's doing it. With a distant look in his eyes he swings his brief case over his shoulder and walks away, without saying anything at all.
So I stand up, now he's gone anyway and ignore the way Hikaru looks at me as I walk up to the place he was just sitting. It still smells like him.
I know it's kind of stalkerish, but it's the only way to get close, to feel the warmth he leaves. My fingers slowly trace over the wooden chair, as my eyes fall upon something.
His notebook.
It's not like him at all to forget that. I pick it up and stare at it for a few moments. And then, while I quickly shout to Hikaru I'll be giving it back, I run towards the door and slam the door closed.
The notebook in my hand feels strangely familiar, strangely warm and strangely assuring. It's almost as if he left it there for a reason.
Because everything Kyouya-senpai does is thought through and for some kind of reason, right?
"Kyouya-senpai! Kyouya-senpai!" I scream as I finally catch sight of his retreating back.
He stops in his tracks and turns around, a look in his eyes almost as if he expected me to come.
"Kaoru?" he simply states.
"You forgot your notebook," and with that I take a step closer.
The distance shrinks down a little.
"I see," he smiles at me and my heart forgets how the beat, "thank you for giving it back to me."
"Don't worry about it," and I hand him the notebook over.
As he extends his hand and his fingers curl around the black leather, I can't help but brush over his hand, just slowly, softly and completely accidental. His eyes widen for a second, like he's actually surprised, but then he looks like he always does again.
But when he puts the notebook in his briefcase, I can still feel the tingling and warmth in my fingers.
"Did you look in it?" he asks, looking straight at me.
"Of course I did!" I tell him. "You have absolutely no secrets for me anymore."
His eyes soften a little when I said that, as he answers: "I don't think that's true, because if it was," and he leans closer, closer, closer, but still doesn't touch me: "you wouldn't look as sad as you did just a few moments ago."
He presses a soft kiss upon my cheek, gives me a sad smile and turns around.
"See you tomorrow, Kaoru," and with that he walks away.
But I don't want that anymore. I don't want him to walk away. I don't want him to be so far away when we could be so close.
So, for the first time in my life, I cross the distance, destroy the wall and step over the border. Without a second thought, I run after him, grab his wrist and pull him back.
"Kyouya-senpai!" I call his name.
And for the first time in his life he isn't the one in control, because my lips are pressed against his and I can feel how he stiffens, freezes underneath my touch, because I'm not supposed to come so close.
But I'm sick and tired by playing by his rules. I'm sick and tired of being left behind.
For a moment I think I messed things up, that he'll push me away, walk away and never return again. For a moment, my heart stops and I realise what I did, but then I feel how his muscles relax, how the brief case he was carrying falls on the ground and I can feel how he pulls me closer.
Closer.
We are so close to touching, and for the first time in our lives we actually do, without caring if there's anyone there who can see us.
We are so close to falling in love, and for the first time in our lives, we hopelessly do.
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Not much to say about this one. I kinda liked it for some reason. KYOUKAO FTW!
This was done to support the KyouKao Fanclub on S.H.I.N.E, Of Glasses and Syrup. This was written for the Opposite Challenge, issued by myself. The words used were "Far - Close." Please join the forum, it's really awesome! There's a link on my profile page, so give it a try!
Please leave a review, I love to know what people think.
- Jazy,
The Leader of the Red Squad.