Title: Broken Soldier
Author: Forever 1x2
Rating: R
Warnings: yoai, attempted suicide, language
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. If I did do you honestly think I'd be writing fan-fic? Or that there would be only 40 episodes and 1 movie for that matter? Hell no! So don't waste your time and money to sue me for money I don't have. Thank-you, come again.
Author's Note: The idea for this fic came to me as I was eating a bowl of Reese's Puffs cereal. I don't know why but inspiration seems to come to me at the strangest times. I was tired of always seeing Duo as the severely depressed one and Heero as the one who saves him, so I switched it. Hope you like it. I'm planning for this to be a three-part fic. 1st based around Heero, 2nd based around Duo, and then the 3rd, when they meet.
* * * * *
Heero stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. A broken man was all he saw. Nothing of the 'Perfect Soldier' that was so infamous during the war remained, just a broken shell of a human being.
'I am nothing; a waste of oxygen, a sorry excuse of a human being.' Heero berated himself. After the war there was nothing left for him to do, the 5 pilots went their separate ways and he hadn't seen any of them since. Of course he's kept track of their where abouts via his laptop. Quatre had returned home and was currently continuing the work his father had been doing before he died. Wufei had married Sally and they had two children and another on the way. Trowa was living with Quatre and had a small aerobatic school where he taught young children basic gymnastics. Duo co-owned a shipping yard with Hilde Scheibieker*, and they also shared an apartment. Heero wasn't sure if they were dating or not.
Heero looked down at his arms. Faded scars of failed suicide attempts lingered on his skin like silent ghosts mocking him. 'You could kill anyone without a second thought 'Perfect Soldier' yet you can't manage to take your own life. Pitiful.' Heero hated himself. He felt the guilt. The weight of all the lives he took during the war was slowly killing him. He was drowning in his regret and weakness.
Heero walked into his kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He glanced around the room and his eyes fell upon the color violet. In between his refrigerator and counter top was something he hadn't noticed before. He set his mug down and picked it up. It was a purple flower, the name of which he didn't know. It must've been there a long time because the color was a bit faded and it was fragile to the touch. Heero was then caught in a tidal wave of memories.
A long golden brown braid, soft as silk, large violet eyes, a cheerful smile… Heero was lost in nostalgia. 'I never said anything. All those time we shared a room. All the missions we did together. All the times he came to bug me while I was typing my mission reports. I never said a word. Heh, even today I still wish to say those words. To look into his deep eyes and tell him my deepest secret, that I love him and wish to have him forever at my side. I'm such a coward. I couldn't bare it if he rejected me, or worse thought I was some sort of sick freak. How many times have I pictured the look of pure disgust on his beautiful visage…' Heero dropped the flower to the floor and walked out of the kitchen forgetting his mug of coffee. He walked into his living room and sat on his couch.
'Why am I so alone?'
"Because you don't let anyone in." Heero looked to his right startled. To his horror and surprise seated next to him was a translucent replica of himself. Heero rubbed his eyes. 'I must be seeing things.' He thought to himself.
"No. You're not. I'm you. Well… in a sense."
"How can you be me if I'm me?"
"That's not important. What's important is your life right now, or lack there of."
"My life is just fine."
"Really? If your life is so fine then why are you sitting in this depressingly silent apartment by yourself? There is something or rather, someone who should be here."
"No. It's just me. I need no liabilities or distractions. I'm perfectly capable by myself. I pay the bills on time. I'm never late for work. I follow all my boss's instructions. Everything is perfect."
"When will you stop lying to yourself? When will you see what's missing in your life?"
"I'm not lying to myself, and nothing is missing."
"Am I really this stubborn?!" Apparition Heero said to himself sighing. Real life Heero just stared. "Fine. There is nothing else I can do to make you see the error of your ways, goodbye."
Heero blinked a few times and the apparition was gone. 'I think I've snapped.' Heero looked at his watch, 7:30am. 'I should get to work.'
At work Heero did everything he was told mechanically. He programmed, he typed, he filed, all as if he was a machine, or a Gundam on autopilot. He was in the employee lounge eating his lunch, when one of his fellow co- workers, a girl by the name of, Meiling, walked into the room. She sat down on the couch and picked up the phone. Heero couldn't help but overhear her conversation.
"Hello, Bill?"
"Yea, I'm at work. I just wanted to know if you could please pick up some milk after you get off work."
"No. I'm going to have to work late tonight. I should be home by 8 though."
"Thanks a lot. Love you, too. Bye."
Meiling hung up the phone and walked out of the lounge. Heero sat there rooted to the spot completely numb. The realization that if he had to work late and ran out of milk there would be no one to call to get some for him made him feel extremely lonely. Not that that situation ever happened but the main point was that he had no one to depend on. Not like Quatre had Trowa, and how Wufei had Sally and Duo had Hilde. Heero was alone, completely and utterly alone.
//FLASHBACK//
'Why am I so alone?'
"Because you don't let anyone in."
//END FLASHBACK//
Heero threw his food out and left the lounge. He walked back to his desk and finished his work early. He went home; he needed to think.
He arrived home to an empty apartment, void of sound or life. He looked around his apartment. He had never thought of his apartment as his 'home', because it was too empty, too lonely to be called such. A home was a sacred place full of warmth and love, not just a place where you ate, and slept, and that's what Heero's apartment was to him, a convenient place to store his meager belongings, eat, and sleep. Nothing more and nothing less, just convenient. Heero looked around his nearly empty apartment. It didn't contain much, in the living room a TV so he could stay up to date on current events, a couch because it would be too uncomfortable sitting on the floor. In the kitchen, a small table with one chair, a fridge, oven, microwave and coffee machine. His bedroom only contained a full sized bed, a desk and chair. His bathroom held almost nothing. It didn't need a shower curtain because it had a glass door, there was a towel thrown on the floor being used as a mat, soap, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. There was nothing comfortable or "pretty" in his apartment. It was just the essentials. Heero didn't waste money on paintings or prints for the walls. He spent no time buying plants or statues to decorate his apartment. Another reason the small dry flower was such a surprise.
Heero walked into his bedroom undressed and stepped into the bathroom. Again he found himself gazing into the mirror. His eyes seemed dark and empty, and his face looked tired and gaunt. Heero hated himself. 'I hate myself. I wish I were dead. After the war my existence wasn't needed. I should've died the day I was sure true peace had been achieved.' Heero turned away from the mirror and got into the shower. He turned the water to ice cold and just stood there with the water washing over him. He washed himself and his hair and got out of the shower. He avoided looking in the mirror as he got out and as he brushed his teeth. He changed into a pair of boxers and headed towards the kitchen to get some food.
He opened his freezer, and grabbed one of the pre-made microwave- able meals. He popped it into the microwave and went to watch TV while it cooked. He turned to the news and watched the special report. It was about Quatre and one of his newest business ventures. They were in a conference room and the camera scanned along the table. He saw a lot of stiff looking businessmen in suits. Then a hand fiddling with the end of a braid caught his eye. As the camera continued to scan across the table, the owner of the hand was shown. There was no mistaking it. The braid, the unique violet eyes, it was indeed Duo Maxwell. Heero froze for a second as another tidal wave of memories hit him.
A gunshot, stolen gundam parts, a mischievous smile all flashed before his eyes. 'Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep thinking of him?'
"Isn't if obvious?" Heero looked to his right and was once again greeted by a translucent image of his self.
"Isn't what obvious."
"Why you keep thinking of 02."
"His name is Duo."
"I know his name. I was just wondering what you were going to say."
"Why do you keep appearing? What do you want from me?"
"I want nothing from you, that you don't want from yourself."
Heero glared. "Clarify."
"I am you, therefore whatever I want from you, you must, I being you, want from yourself. Do you understand?"
"Yes. But I want nothing from myself but to have the courage to end my sorry excuse for a life."
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
"Absolutely."
"But how can that be, I want to live. I want to experience all there is to experience in life. If I'm you, how can you want to die?"
Heero remained silent.
"Not so sure now, are you?"
Heero looked down at his hands. He said in a quiet voice, "I've killed so many. My hands are stained with their innocent lives. They weight upon my soul, like boulders upon my back."
Now it was the apparition's turn to be silent.
"How can you be me and not understand that?" Heero looked up, but the apparition was gone, and once again he was alone.
Heero got up and went into the kitchen and threw away his micro waved meal, he had suddenly lost his appetite. As he was walking out of the kitchen he stepped on something that crunched a little. It was the little purple flower from that morning. He picked it up and most of the petals fell to the floor. He looked at it, and felt his eyes get warm and water trickle down his cheeks. Memories from all the times he'd yelled at Duo, or hit him, or called him a 'baka' came flooding back to him. And it hurt. It hurt to know that he'd caused so much pain to Duo, the one person who probably most understood him out of anyone in the world. He walked to the bathroom holding the remains of the flower in the hand. He didn't understand why thoughts of the Deathsycthe pilot brought such strong emotions. His eyes seemed to glaze over as he walked to the bathroom. His blue eyes turned to dark empty pools of detached color. He stepped into the bathroom the cold floor felt soothing on his feet. He stood in front of the mirror and smiled. He placed what was left of the flower on the edge of the sink. He continued to smile as he punched the mirror. He was numb so the pain of glass embedding itself into his knuckles didn't faze him. He picked up one of the largest shards, and looked at it.
His reflection stared back at him. 'This is how it ends. I will no longer be a burden to this world.'
"You are making a mistake. If you would've let him in you would've known." The reflection said.
"It's too late now. No one knows where I live, and no one cares. I shall die a lonely man. No one will even know I've died until the landlord comes knocking at my door for rent, and by then all they'll find is my body."
"Listen to yourself! HEERO SNAP OUT OF IT!"
"I'm perfectly fine. I know what I'm doing."
"Do you? Do you know what your death will do to the people who care about you?"
"Who? Who would care if a useless soldier killed himself?"
"Duo. Duo would care."
"SHUTTUP!" Heero shouted throwing the shard of glass against the wall. He began breathing heavily and hastily grabbed another shard of glass. He held out his left wrist and cut from the heel of his hand to the crook of his elbow along the same vein. The then cut horizontally across his first cut. He re-cuts his arm over and over making sure it was deep enough. He then grabbed a random pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet and turned on the faucet. He swallowed every pill and walked into his bedroom trailing blood on the floor from the cuts on the bottom of his feet. He lied down the bed and closed his eyes. His last thought before he passed out was: Why did I hurt the purple flower?
* * * * *
* I forgot the spelling of Hilde's last name ^^;;; If you know please review and tell me for next time.
What do you think? It was extremely depressing I know, and I doubt anyone read it but still. X-Chan, I know you read it. What do you think? Good? Bad? Complete Shit? I need feedback so I can improve my work. Please R/R
~Death-chan
Author: Forever 1x2
Rating: R
Warnings: yoai, attempted suicide, language
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. If I did do you honestly think I'd be writing fan-fic? Or that there would be only 40 episodes and 1 movie for that matter? Hell no! So don't waste your time and money to sue me for money I don't have. Thank-you, come again.
Author's Note: The idea for this fic came to me as I was eating a bowl of Reese's Puffs cereal. I don't know why but inspiration seems to come to me at the strangest times. I was tired of always seeing Duo as the severely depressed one and Heero as the one who saves him, so I switched it. Hope you like it. I'm planning for this to be a three-part fic. 1st based around Heero, 2nd based around Duo, and then the 3rd, when they meet.
* * * * *
Heero stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. A broken man was all he saw. Nothing of the 'Perfect Soldier' that was so infamous during the war remained, just a broken shell of a human being.
'I am nothing; a waste of oxygen, a sorry excuse of a human being.' Heero berated himself. After the war there was nothing left for him to do, the 5 pilots went their separate ways and he hadn't seen any of them since. Of course he's kept track of their where abouts via his laptop. Quatre had returned home and was currently continuing the work his father had been doing before he died. Wufei had married Sally and they had two children and another on the way. Trowa was living with Quatre and had a small aerobatic school where he taught young children basic gymnastics. Duo co-owned a shipping yard with Hilde Scheibieker*, and they also shared an apartment. Heero wasn't sure if they were dating or not.
Heero looked down at his arms. Faded scars of failed suicide attempts lingered on his skin like silent ghosts mocking him. 'You could kill anyone without a second thought 'Perfect Soldier' yet you can't manage to take your own life. Pitiful.' Heero hated himself. He felt the guilt. The weight of all the lives he took during the war was slowly killing him. He was drowning in his regret and weakness.
Heero walked into his kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He glanced around the room and his eyes fell upon the color violet. In between his refrigerator and counter top was something he hadn't noticed before. He set his mug down and picked it up. It was a purple flower, the name of which he didn't know. It must've been there a long time because the color was a bit faded and it was fragile to the touch. Heero was then caught in a tidal wave of memories.
A long golden brown braid, soft as silk, large violet eyes, a cheerful smile… Heero was lost in nostalgia. 'I never said anything. All those time we shared a room. All the missions we did together. All the times he came to bug me while I was typing my mission reports. I never said a word. Heh, even today I still wish to say those words. To look into his deep eyes and tell him my deepest secret, that I love him and wish to have him forever at my side. I'm such a coward. I couldn't bare it if he rejected me, or worse thought I was some sort of sick freak. How many times have I pictured the look of pure disgust on his beautiful visage…' Heero dropped the flower to the floor and walked out of the kitchen forgetting his mug of coffee. He walked into his living room and sat on his couch.
'Why am I so alone?'
"Because you don't let anyone in." Heero looked to his right startled. To his horror and surprise seated next to him was a translucent replica of himself. Heero rubbed his eyes. 'I must be seeing things.' He thought to himself.
"No. You're not. I'm you. Well… in a sense."
"How can you be me if I'm me?"
"That's not important. What's important is your life right now, or lack there of."
"My life is just fine."
"Really? If your life is so fine then why are you sitting in this depressingly silent apartment by yourself? There is something or rather, someone who should be here."
"No. It's just me. I need no liabilities or distractions. I'm perfectly capable by myself. I pay the bills on time. I'm never late for work. I follow all my boss's instructions. Everything is perfect."
"When will you stop lying to yourself? When will you see what's missing in your life?"
"I'm not lying to myself, and nothing is missing."
"Am I really this stubborn?!" Apparition Heero said to himself sighing. Real life Heero just stared. "Fine. There is nothing else I can do to make you see the error of your ways, goodbye."
Heero blinked a few times and the apparition was gone. 'I think I've snapped.' Heero looked at his watch, 7:30am. 'I should get to work.'
At work Heero did everything he was told mechanically. He programmed, he typed, he filed, all as if he was a machine, or a Gundam on autopilot. He was in the employee lounge eating his lunch, when one of his fellow co- workers, a girl by the name of, Meiling, walked into the room. She sat down on the couch and picked up the phone. Heero couldn't help but overhear her conversation.
"Hello, Bill?"
"Yea, I'm at work. I just wanted to know if you could please pick up some milk after you get off work."
"No. I'm going to have to work late tonight. I should be home by 8 though."
"Thanks a lot. Love you, too. Bye."
Meiling hung up the phone and walked out of the lounge. Heero sat there rooted to the spot completely numb. The realization that if he had to work late and ran out of milk there would be no one to call to get some for him made him feel extremely lonely. Not that that situation ever happened but the main point was that he had no one to depend on. Not like Quatre had Trowa, and how Wufei had Sally and Duo had Hilde. Heero was alone, completely and utterly alone.
//FLASHBACK//
'Why am I so alone?'
"Because you don't let anyone in."
//END FLASHBACK//
Heero threw his food out and left the lounge. He walked back to his desk and finished his work early. He went home; he needed to think.
He arrived home to an empty apartment, void of sound or life. He looked around his apartment. He had never thought of his apartment as his 'home', because it was too empty, too lonely to be called such. A home was a sacred place full of warmth and love, not just a place where you ate, and slept, and that's what Heero's apartment was to him, a convenient place to store his meager belongings, eat, and sleep. Nothing more and nothing less, just convenient. Heero looked around his nearly empty apartment. It didn't contain much, in the living room a TV so he could stay up to date on current events, a couch because it would be too uncomfortable sitting on the floor. In the kitchen, a small table with one chair, a fridge, oven, microwave and coffee machine. His bedroom only contained a full sized bed, a desk and chair. His bathroom held almost nothing. It didn't need a shower curtain because it had a glass door, there was a towel thrown on the floor being used as a mat, soap, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. There was nothing comfortable or "pretty" in his apartment. It was just the essentials. Heero didn't waste money on paintings or prints for the walls. He spent no time buying plants or statues to decorate his apartment. Another reason the small dry flower was such a surprise.
Heero walked into his bedroom undressed and stepped into the bathroom. Again he found himself gazing into the mirror. His eyes seemed dark and empty, and his face looked tired and gaunt. Heero hated himself. 'I hate myself. I wish I were dead. After the war my existence wasn't needed. I should've died the day I was sure true peace had been achieved.' Heero turned away from the mirror and got into the shower. He turned the water to ice cold and just stood there with the water washing over him. He washed himself and his hair and got out of the shower. He avoided looking in the mirror as he got out and as he brushed his teeth. He changed into a pair of boxers and headed towards the kitchen to get some food.
He opened his freezer, and grabbed one of the pre-made microwave- able meals. He popped it into the microwave and went to watch TV while it cooked. He turned to the news and watched the special report. It was about Quatre and one of his newest business ventures. They were in a conference room and the camera scanned along the table. He saw a lot of stiff looking businessmen in suits. Then a hand fiddling with the end of a braid caught his eye. As the camera continued to scan across the table, the owner of the hand was shown. There was no mistaking it. The braid, the unique violet eyes, it was indeed Duo Maxwell. Heero froze for a second as another tidal wave of memories hit him.
A gunshot, stolen gundam parts, a mischievous smile all flashed before his eyes. 'Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep thinking of him?'
"Isn't if obvious?" Heero looked to his right and was once again greeted by a translucent image of his self.
"Isn't what obvious."
"Why you keep thinking of 02."
"His name is Duo."
"I know his name. I was just wondering what you were going to say."
"Why do you keep appearing? What do you want from me?"
"I want nothing from you, that you don't want from yourself."
Heero glared. "Clarify."
"I am you, therefore whatever I want from you, you must, I being you, want from yourself. Do you understand?"
"Yes. But I want nothing from myself but to have the courage to end my sorry excuse for a life."
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
"Absolutely."
"But how can that be, I want to live. I want to experience all there is to experience in life. If I'm you, how can you want to die?"
Heero remained silent.
"Not so sure now, are you?"
Heero looked down at his hands. He said in a quiet voice, "I've killed so many. My hands are stained with their innocent lives. They weight upon my soul, like boulders upon my back."
Now it was the apparition's turn to be silent.
"How can you be me and not understand that?" Heero looked up, but the apparition was gone, and once again he was alone.
Heero got up and went into the kitchen and threw away his micro waved meal, he had suddenly lost his appetite. As he was walking out of the kitchen he stepped on something that crunched a little. It was the little purple flower from that morning. He picked it up and most of the petals fell to the floor. He looked at it, and felt his eyes get warm and water trickle down his cheeks. Memories from all the times he'd yelled at Duo, or hit him, or called him a 'baka' came flooding back to him. And it hurt. It hurt to know that he'd caused so much pain to Duo, the one person who probably most understood him out of anyone in the world. He walked to the bathroom holding the remains of the flower in the hand. He didn't understand why thoughts of the Deathsycthe pilot brought such strong emotions. His eyes seemed to glaze over as he walked to the bathroom. His blue eyes turned to dark empty pools of detached color. He stepped into the bathroom the cold floor felt soothing on his feet. He stood in front of the mirror and smiled. He placed what was left of the flower on the edge of the sink. He continued to smile as he punched the mirror. He was numb so the pain of glass embedding itself into his knuckles didn't faze him. He picked up one of the largest shards, and looked at it.
His reflection stared back at him. 'This is how it ends. I will no longer be a burden to this world.'
"You are making a mistake. If you would've let him in you would've known." The reflection said.
"It's too late now. No one knows where I live, and no one cares. I shall die a lonely man. No one will even know I've died until the landlord comes knocking at my door for rent, and by then all they'll find is my body."
"Listen to yourself! HEERO SNAP OUT OF IT!"
"I'm perfectly fine. I know what I'm doing."
"Do you? Do you know what your death will do to the people who care about you?"
"Who? Who would care if a useless soldier killed himself?"
"Duo. Duo would care."
"SHUTTUP!" Heero shouted throwing the shard of glass against the wall. He began breathing heavily and hastily grabbed another shard of glass. He held out his left wrist and cut from the heel of his hand to the crook of his elbow along the same vein. The then cut horizontally across his first cut. He re-cuts his arm over and over making sure it was deep enough. He then grabbed a random pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet and turned on the faucet. He swallowed every pill and walked into his bedroom trailing blood on the floor from the cuts on the bottom of his feet. He lied down the bed and closed his eyes. His last thought before he passed out was: Why did I hurt the purple flower?
* * * * *
* I forgot the spelling of Hilde's last name ^^;;; If you know please review and tell me for next time.
What do you think? It was extremely depressing I know, and I doubt anyone read it but still. X-Chan, I know you read it. What do you think? Good? Bad? Complete Shit? I need feedback so I can improve my work. Please R/R
~Death-chan