The Twisted Memoirs of Quistis Trepe
By: Rachel Lockhart
It troubles me today to think about it. I still can't imagine how it all could've ever happened. I was eighteen or so and beautiful. I remember my fair flawless skin, my two perfect blue ovals of eyes that shinned for the new day. My golden hair and finally my curvy hourglass figure. But, when I was young I couldn't appreciate these things because at the time I suppose all my judgment felt clouded by just one young man. I thought he was everything and at the time he probably was and it seemed like just one look from his eyes, one touch of his cheek sent my world spinning. He was a quiet boy, keeping everything inside of that always thinking head of his and letting no one even to take a peak. And he was my student, but even so a strong young man with dark hair that flopped gently over his beautiful eyes. Maybe, his eyes were a little cold, but they were deep and a true blue like my own. I thought everything about him was enchanting, they way he walked, the gunblade at his side, the quiet indifference about him. He seemed so confident, in control of his life unlike me. I would gaze to the back of my classroom admiring him from afar, hoping and wishing that his gaze might fall even on accident to me, I didn't care. How at night I would lay there, wishing that maybe, just maybe he would say something more than, 'yes instructor.' The days seemed to grow longer and at times I wished I could send all the students away just to be alone with him. I valued our training time together even if he only said the same two words to me the whole time, it was thrilling, wonderful to see the way he trained, blow after blow against a monster and finally it lay still. He was so strong and promising, I would gab to my friends. I knew that they didn't understand, but I had to tell my feelings to someone. Shortly after, he received a scar from the problematic Seifer Almasy, but thankfully for him Squall had returned the mark and the rivals looked more linked to each other than ever. Even then the scar hadn't taken anything away from his face. Instead showing he wasn't the god I made him out to be, he could be scarred and broken unfortunately just like the rest of us. I didn't like it and made me want to protect him more, even if it meant sacrificing my own life.
Then the one night finally arrived, he would no longer be my student and I worried. I had seen that he could be broken and I didn't want him to be hurt, I just wanted to watch him forever. That would keep him safe, I thought. But the night was the SeeD graduation ball, a night that would change my life forever. The girl. She had approached him, had the audaciousness to approach him. Smiled her wicked smile, tempting him with her flesh and stealing what could never be mine. And, he had smiled back. I think that moment did something to me because after it I felt empty, hollowed out and numb like someone had torn off my right arm. She took his arm and ran dragging him out to that awful dance floor, forcing him to dance with her. I couldn't believe it. Oh, had they danced swayed across the dance floor rapped in each other's arms. It was sickening as I stood there from afar like always watching him with her. The motions grew more elegant flowing like they were one, maybe they were. And after she had him what does she do, she leaves him making him feel like I did, making him suffer. So I asked him out to the balcony. Maybe, I thought I would tell him. And he would love me because now he knew how frivolous a girl's affection could be. He came walking out with his usual poker face, looking like nothing affected him as usual. I told him how I loved his dancing, complimenting him and his face remaining militant. The awkward, horrid silence remained between us and my heart beat faster. Thanks, he said. More silence. I couldn't do it and I realized then the emotions I bottled up for so long and practiced telling him for so long couldn't come out. I felt my throat burn and become dry, clenched as words refused to follow. I told him to go to the secret area. Planning to calm myself for one second and there I could do it, there I would do it. He was skeptical about my intentions, but like the good student he was he complied.
I met him at the training center eager to go in. It surprised me how quiet it was even with all the distracting random encounters. I loved it, I loved being in his presence and for once I knew how the 'Trepies' must have felt. The 'Trepies' I thought. The poor misguided 'Trepies,' thinking I was so beautiful, so smart. I knew at the time that if I was so much of these things that a long time ago he would have been mine, but he wasn't. We walked the humid land in till I stopped at that familiar spot. The secret area where nights after nights I had stood alone in the cool midnight air, watching the illuminated Garden and loving the calm while couples mused quietly and enjoyed each others embrace. We stood there together staring out into the god-like country and suddenly I spoke. I told him my license had been lost, it had and that too had broken my heart. He stood their silent. I told him why and continued on waiting for him to say something; anything and I even asked him why the silence. He wouldn't look at me, but answered saying he didn't know how to react to other people's problems. I didn't want an answer I told him, just someone to listen. Why, I asked my self, why couldn't he just listen, why couldn't he just love me. And he said back to me 'go to talk to a wall'. My world had seemed to stop then, time stopped my heart stopped everything stopped for that awful truth. He wouldn't ever be mine. The rest of the night felt like I blur. I don't even remember making it back to bed, but I knew we had fought and rescued a girl that I would later find out was Ellone. But his words had haunted me; I fell to sleep to them in my ear and just wished it all to be an awful nightmare.
I found out in the morning that he been assigned his first mission to help some resistance faction called lamely enough, 'the forest owls.' I guess I could feel relieved, he would never see that girl again and would be busied by one of Gardens mind numbing missions. And I didn't see him again in till I had to chase after Seifer who had broken out of the disciplinary room shouting something about, 'What? They only sent three rookie SeeDs to help Rinoa!' I wondered who Rinoa was at the time, but quickly found out. When I met up with Squall I discovered a new and very familiar women had been added to his party. Rinoa. I tried from the beginning not to hate her, not to curse at her name and not to interfere. But from the beginning I did, maybe because of her childish manner, her carefree spirit and because even then I could feel that she could have Squall. She was free, free like I could never be. For I was trapped behind the iron gates of Garden and I knew already that I would be a SeeD for life. I knew then even now that I did not wish this on Squall, he should have been more. He was destined to be more than any of us, more than a part of the corrupt SeeD, and I didn't want him to die working for that girl or on any other foolish unplanned out mission.
But she stayed with us anyway, through it all. Through all the horrible events of the Sorceress assignation where we met Irvine Kinneas to the death of Sorceress Ultimecia. And during the time it seemed getting her self into trouble every minute and having him rescue her. I watched it like I knew everything would unfold so predictably. How every time she smiled it seemed he loosened up more and he grew attached to her more. She changed him. Then I even saw him care for her. After Trabia had been destroyed we went there and I thought I finally had the answer to everything. I listened as Irvine remembered our forgotten childhood and even Squall's abandonment by Ellone and I wondered if I had just been trying to take her place. I told him that I had loved him as a sister and I knew it was a lie the second it was uttered from my lips. A sister did not long for his embrace, a sister did not want his lips on hers and I wasn't his sister. Then when she lied still and almost dead I knew he was hers. I almost hoped it was a trick, that she had set it all up to capture him. It was crazy I know, but I waited for her to wake up and for them to fall deeply in love and run away leaving me behind the iron gates of Garden. She didn't wake up. We ended up going all the way to space for her as he desperately yearned for her to wake. And again with my own eyes I witnessed him jump out into the endless space to save her and watched as he cradled her in his arms guiding them both to safety. He would sacrifice himself for her the thought hit me. Just as I would for him. I knew then unfortunately that they would be together and there was little too nothing I could do about it. And maybe she did deserve him more than me, opening him up. But what about me, I had been there since the beginning always loving him, always caring for him and saving him though I couldn't save him from himself. It was funny she became a sorceress so she was actually a witch, a witch that had cast her spell on him. A witch he gladly embraced. And she was this stranger that expected him to be hers, it didn't make sense to me. Too bad for me then as I did not know that people can't deserve each other, only love each other. After Ultimecia's defeat we were separated, Squall in the black and the rest of us in the white. And she had found him, brought him to that promised meadow as she had said afterwards. I even remember the party afterwards, the perfect party Selphie arranged. And how she had toted around the video camera the whole time. Irvine, trying to flirt with anything on two legs including me. Then Zell choking eating his beloved hot dogs too fast and how upset he had been when we had tried to help him. Then, I had stopped as all the others did to see the hero and the heroine kiss under the moonlight.
Always and forever, did I say? Always love him, always guide him and always want him. The months flew by and the world had quieted down. SeeD stood still, waiting for another threat to the world and time continued too past. I settled down, relaxed a bit and got my instructor's license back with Commander Squall's influence. At the same time as everything settled down they seemed to grow closer. I remember seeing them walking down the halls with Rinoa, her arm around him and Squall smiling. He smiled for her. It seemed that every day they became more into each other as if the world no longer mattered. And I buried it down further ignoring what I felt, it was wrong I knew that. My feelings would never be understood as long as she was around and it appeared he would never let go of her, willing at least. But then I had a thought, a horrible dream where Rinoa had died. I didn't tell anyone and became further detached from my friends. They didn't seem to notice too much, nobody noticed. I simply smiled like always waved them away claiming I was fine. More work and more training, I was getting everything done, but I hated it. I felt like everything around me was falling apart, my world was falling apart before my eyes and I was helpless. A child locked in her room screaming and screaming all alone and nobody even turned around to notice.
And then that day. Ah yes, I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. So crystal clear there's no other words for it, a memory that seems to follow me haunting me to this day. I remember the morning when I awoke so early the sky was still black and strangely it felt so cold in my room even though I pulled the comforter closer, more for comfort than warmth. Slowly, I fell back asleep, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was there. Crazy, I said to my self-drifting back to sleep. When I awoke I noticed Rinoa at my door and wondered how long she had been standing there. Her eyes seemed strangely piercing like she saw through to all my thoughts…the dream? Her arms reached back for the doorframe and she smiled.
"Thank goddess your alright Quistis, we were all so worried about you it's past ten." Her voice alien and her words seemed filled with fake sympathy. They didn't care, if they did then why couldn't they notice me slowly slip away from them. The way I stayed in my classroom all day and retiring to my bed immediately. No, they didn't notice anything except for Squall and Rinoa. I stared back at her curiously, doubting her words and this made her soft smile turn into a subtle frown and her ivory skin wrinkle.
"I'm…fine," I lied. What time was it? Had I really over slept? And why her, why did it have to be her out of everyone her standing there and questioning me now?
"You sure? I haven't seen you in the last few days…It's almost like you go strait to teach and then strait to bed, I'm we're…concerned." Sure they were, of course they worried of course they had stopped in their self-centered routines to wonder why the empty space was not filled. Yes, I guess it was conceivable but more likely someone had asked. I decided to get up and she left to go wait in the living room. Quickly I adorned my same outfit that I wore day in and day out. Combed my hair like always putting it up tightly and not like always cupped my shaking hand against my face staring at the reflection in the mirror. I washed my face and stared at the eyes that stared back to see the dark circles and the redness and the tears that followed. What had happened to me? Where had I become so lost? The tears flowed effortlessly and streamed down my burning cheeks. I stopped at that moment staring at the empty ghost I had become. I had lost myself, how horrible that was that it could ever be, but I had. And worst of all I knew that I would have to go out there and face her, cover it all up once again.
"Quistis?" She called. I wiped the tears with a gloved hand and taking a deep breath went out there to face my demons.
"Yes?" I answered smiling. I guess it had become easier, I told myself.
"Oh good, thought you got lost or something." She laughed and I laughed with her. It was awkward for me and her I'm sure as well.
"Umm, Rinoa is there anything you would like to ask me?"
"Well the others just wanted me to tell you that you can come to us with anything…anything Quistis." She assured.
But suddenly a thought struck me.
"Thanks. Hey why don't we go to the training center I might be able to tell you something there." I suggested. I don't know why, I still don't why I suggested it. Maybe I was bored or I thought she could help, I don't know, but I curse it to this day.
Her smile reappeared.
"Yeah sure that would be great!" She practically shouted.
When we arrived at the entrance it had followed a long stream of silence. I guessed that this was her feeble attempt to open me up, just like she had opened him up and she thought unlike him that I would welcome it. Instead I felt as if I was digging a deeper hole for myself.
"You know that you're my friend, Quistis?" She said continuing to walk and fiddle with the leaf in her hand. Why was she telling this to me, the person that…hated her?
- "Of course, Rinoa."
- "I mean I saw the way you looked at me from the beginning." She laughed throwing her head back. "But, when I've been though so much with someone, I feel closer to them, like I could tell them anything and they would understand because of all we've been through." She looked at me her dark eye's hopeful and full, those dammed eyes.
- "Is there a point to all of this, Rinoa?" I replied to the eyes.
- "Yeah, I guess there is." She stopped suddenly and gazed out at the compound. "It's about Squall."
- I looked at her questionably.
- "It just that, I'm not so sure about Squall. I, I think he loves me, but I don't know. I think that I don't love him. I like him and everything it's just. Quistis please say something!" She yelled blurting everything frantically and turning to me for the answer and didn't even see it, the T-Rexaur that decided now to attack. I fell back from then force of its tail to see Rinoa get thrown across the land. Her body was too many feet away from mine and laid there still. I could see the blood flow from her head. My hands reached back for support, I couldn't sit there I had to do something. Shakily I got up staggering to my feet and trying to walk, trying to get to her before the T-Rexaur. But it simply turned its back on me and pursued her almost motionless body. I struggled trying, trying so hard and at the same time remembering her words. What did they mean, what was this? She wasn't sure if she loved him? How could someone be unsure about love? I knew I had been in love, I knew it and it had only hurt me. I saw her beginning to stir, her hand rubbing against her head and her eyes opened before it happened.
- "Quistis!" She yelled screaming. I tripped falling to me knees, my face smashing against the cold dirt, but not before I could see it. See the blood, the crimson blood as it attacked. I don't remember it all just the teeth and the screaming. My nails dug deeper into the dirt, helpless once again. I couldn't do anything but watch. Watched as a friend that I never knew I had die and watched as the man that never loved me suddenly appeared. Why, I could only ask. And I witnessed the horror on his face. The way his eyes appeared sunken far beneath there sockets the hollow way his face appeared, his skin turning as pale as hers, the way his whole body clamped up slumping and utterly frozen.
- "Rinoa!" He called to where the T-Rexaur was. He rushed over, ignoring everything, even the fact that the T-Rexaur was still there. Aura was a handy spell and so Lionheart commenced and I saw the fury on the tender boy's face as he delivered blow after blow to that monster. He looked in a sense; wild, crazy and soon the awful beast fell over exposing her body. I still couldn't see well because of the uncomfortable position I had been thrown in, but what I could see was he picking the bloody mess up and carrying her in his arms. Myself I was shocked and horrified as well, I didn't want to move or get up, I wanted to stay there and hope he didn't notice me. Maybe I would bleed to death and they would never see me again. I had killed her, yes sure the T-Rexaur had, but I had thought it, conceived of it, asked her here. It would be my fault, so I begged and pleaded for once that his vision did not fall upon me. Waited as he carried the fallen girl like a porcelain doll and saw the same look as I had had the same ghost and the blood saturate his jacket. He didn't seem to notice me or maybe he did not want to, instead he trudged on broken once again and far too far away for me to try and fix. And that is to say the end for me, I died because no one noticed no one wanted to notice. Oh yes died physically, but in a sense I feel that I am dead because of just one young man. I didn't know what I had back then, I still don't but maybe it was better than this, following him around forever and watching him forever just as I had pleaded for so long ago. I watched him looking out for him and again unable to touch him, just watch.
The End
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me for this awful atrocious work! Everything really belongs to Squaresoft and this was written without their consent! Please tell me what you think reviews are always welcomed!