A/N: This is the rewrite of my other story. This story takes place in the 2000's rather than the original Harry Potter story's timeline. Enjoy!
With a groan I stretched out my limbs as I woke up. My hands and feet almost immediately hit walls, and I frowned. 'Fucking hell, I'm getting too goddamn tall for this shit.' I rolled over and yelped as I fell off my cot-bullshit-bed-thing. Good lord I hate this shitty thing. Sitting up and mumbling curses, I opened my eyes and glared at the wall in front of me. "Stupid fucking closet being so tiny, lucky I'm not fricking claustrophobic..." I mumbled. I was waiting for a response when I remembered that, no, closets are not sentient beings, and no, they cannot talk. Good job Klover.
Why Klover and not Clover? Fuck you, that's why. Not really. It's simply because K is the best letter in the the world. Klover is much cooler than Clover. Call me immature, but I like it this way dammit. And there ain't nothin' you can do to change that bucko. Wait a minute, I got off track didn't I. Goodbye fourth wall, no one will miss your lousy ass!~ Alright focus time.
I stood up and looked around the small area in disdain. 'Dammit, it's getting dirty in here again. I should probably clean.' I thought, wrinkling my nose in disgust. I probably wasn't going to clean if I was being honest with myself, but shhhh, don't tell future me, she'll be pissed. \Especially since there was dust all over the shelves and dirt everywhere. My closet looked like a hobbit's home minus all the food, I swear. I snorted and shook my head at my own lame joke, but scowled as my hair brushed past my face. It was long, black, and curly as fuck, and a bitch to keep nice-looking. And well shit, it was greasy. I wrinkled my nose as I realised I was covered in grime from head to toe. 'Time to sneak into the shower again.' So worth getting my ass beat.
As part of my morning routine, I looked down at my chest, only to find flatness. Again. I fell to my knees in despair and wailed quietly. "Boob Fairy, why have you not blessed me yet? Were my sacrifices meaningless?" I sniffed and pretended to wipe away a tear. I guess I'd have to wait even for my tatas to grow in. And probably make another offering to the Boob Fairy. Figuring it was time to stop dicking around, I opened the door to the closet and stepped out into a hallway type thing, and then realized I was fucking blind. Turning around, I dug around until I produced a pair of glasses and put them on. Much better. I stepped back out of the closet and shut it. The house was pretty plain, but not too bad. I definitely won't design my house like this piece of shit though. I started to climb up the steps looking for signs of the other peopley persons who lived here. I heard snoring from both of their rooms and sighed in relief. Thank Jesus. I needed a shower dammit. Slipping into the bathroom, I grinned and turned towards the mirror for sexy-inspection time.
The girl in the mirror was the most badass person in the world. She was pale, had bright green eyes, and freckles across her face. She was skinny as fuck, and looked a lot like Jade Harley. This is the one reason I enjoyed how I looked. Jade Harley is one of the adorablest (it's a word, I promise) little shits in the entire fucking universe. And I had been graced to look just like her. Thank you universe, you actually managed to do something right with me. I turned to the side and wiggles my slightly curvaceous (I get bonus points for using a big kid word) hips. My amazingly sexy hips were the best. If I was actually allowed to eat, I bet they would be even better. I took another second to admire myself, before turning my back to the mirror. There's only so much shitty me I can tolerate in a day. "Well," I said calmly, "that's enough narcissism for now."
I started stripping out of the trashy clothes I called my own. 'Damn. I look like I live in the ghetto or some shit.' I did a little dance as I felt cool air on my skin. Good lord above, there is nothing better than being naked. I got in and did normal shower things (I'm assuming you're not an idiot and you know how to take a shower). I stepped out and toweled myself off before looking distastefully at the pile of rags on the ground. Mmm, yeah, no. No way was I putting that shit back on. I stared at my hair for a moment before deciding to just let it do it's own thing and dry unbothered. It looked better when I did that anyways.
I wrapped the towel around me and left the bathroom. Now, you might assume that since I lived with my 'lovely' relatives, they would actually have clothes for me, right? The answer is, no, no they did not have any clothes for me. Figuring that since these fuckers were really heavy sleepers, I nicked one of Petu-Bitch's shirts and a pair of underwear, both pretty big on me. What was my plan for not getting caught? "I Don't Care If I'm Caught" was the title of my plan. Being nice and clean was worth a few hits. I took a hair tie from the bathroom and used it to keep the underwear up. I posed in front of the mirror and nodded in approval. Oh yeah. Still sexy. I would definitely hit on myself if I could.
Unfortunately, something interrupted my awesome modeling session. That something being my aunt. Shit. I picked up my disgusting rags up off the floor and headed back downstairs. Dropping them off in the closet, I looked up to see Petunia there in all her horsey glory. Poor bitch had gotten the short end of the genetic stick. I hope my mom didn't look like her. The thought makes me shudder. When she saw me standing there, her jaw dropped open and she looked completely flabbergasted. "Uh.. Hey? What's up?" I said with a wave. I prepared for my doom.
She started screeching loudly and turned red from anger, "GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CLOTHES?! WHY HAVEN'T YOU STARTED BREAKFAST?! AND WHY DID YOU TOUCH THE SHOWER YOU FREAK!"
….Holy shit. Did she break her voice box or something? That shit was loud. How does one respond to this without getting slapped. Hmm…. "Um… Magic?" I mentally patted myself on the back for my smartassery.
In this case though, that was apparently the wrong answer. Her face went white and she looked like she was just told her cat died. "What…." she said in a deadly whisper. "Er- I was sick and puked all over the place and I needed a shower and clothes." Yes lie my child! LIE, KLOVER, LIE! MWUAHAHAHAH!
Ahem. Weirdness, crawl back into your chest you lil shit. Anyways, at this statement she seemed to calm down a bit. She took a deep breath and pointed to the kitchen. "Go make breakfast now Girl." she commanded. "But I'm sick. What if Dudley catches it?" Hah. Now she'll have to send me back to my closet. Her precious douche baby couldn't dare be sick.
She wrinkled her nose as if she had smelled something horrible. "Fine. Go to your closet before you infect my Duddykins with your freakiness!"
"Looks like someone needs to get laid more, Jesus…" I muttered while sulking back into the closet.
I was actually really lucky I didn't get in worse trouble, considering I was just getting over my punishment for Dudley's birthday (totally meant to make that glass disappear on purpose). It had lasted into most of summer sadly. It had been really lonely in my closet, something I feel quite often if I'm being honest. My depression had been acting up again as well, the cherry on fucking top. I sighed and sat down on my fake bed thing. Was this all my life was ever going to be? Taking orders from the Dursleys and feeling like a piece of shit? You know, for some reason, that thought didn't make me the happiest person. Rather, I felt sick and sad. Oh hello depression, welcome back. I was hoping you were dead. Oh you were hoping I was dead too? Join the club fucko. Tears began streaming down my face and I buried my face in my crappy pillow. I was hopeless. Friendless, talking to myself, and no future to look forward to besides being beaten around by those I was supposed to love and trust.
The tears turned to sobs, and for a long time, all I could do was cry and shake into my pillow. After I had no more tears to cry, I sat up and sniffled quietly. I rubbed away my tears and took a shaky breath. "You're okay, we're okay, it's all gonna be okay… Come on babe we're too sexy for crying.." Talking to myself again. Dammit. I need some friends. I laughed at myself a little either way, I was kind of amusing. I pushed my feelings of sadness down until I couldn't feel them anymore and sat up. Who needed feelings anyways. I sure as hell didn't.