This is my first Supernatural fanfic, and my first fic in a long long time. I was particulary touched by this scene in Croatoan, and so I thought I'd write it from Sam's point of view. I hope you all enjoy. Comments are appreciated

The characters are not mine, nor is the actual dialogue used, that comes expressly from the show. No infringement is intended.

Croatoan Monster

"I wish we had a deck of cards or a foosball table or something." He said after locking the both of us in, probably for the last time.

Why did Dean have to say something like this? Why? It's no time for a joke. He knows that I am infected with the demon virus and that in a matter of hours, or minutes, I'd turn and probably rip his head off. Dang it, he's being so stupid. It's suicide to stay with me!

"Dean, don't do this. Just get the hell out of here."

I try to convince him to leave. Can't he see that it is the only way for him to live?

"No way."

I saw the stubbornness in his eyes. He wasn't going to leave me. He would rather die with me than leave me to die all by myself. Dean…

"Give me my gun… and leave." Gritting my teeth, I managed to tell my brother my mind, despite my heart leaping with sudden fear with what I am planning on doing. I tried to tell him with my eyes that I cannot, and will not become what the doctor and sergeant fear. I fear it too. I saw the blood the nurse put into me… I would become like her and the others… I just can't do it. I would rather die by my own hand then take an innocent life as a monster.

"For the last time, Sam –- no."

He said it so straight too. How could he? I was going to be the death of him! I slam my arm on the table, I am so mad at him. Can't he see that I don't want to kill my own brother?! The tears in my eyes are obviously giving it away but he's not getting it. Can't he see I would rather pop myself in the head than to watch myself rip him to shreds and not be able to do anything about it? Why can't he just let me off myself instead of putting me through this torture? I do not want to become the killer demon Yellow Eyes wants me to be.

"This is the dumbest thing you've ever done."

I tell him. I am so mad at him for doing this to me. I do not want to be that monster!

"I don't know about that. Remember that waitress in Tampa?" He shivered the joke right at me. How could he joke at a time like this when any minute I could change and rip his heart out without missing a beat? I have to convince him to leave. Now. Before I kill him.

"Dean, I'm sick." I pull out the chick flick voice. He's always had a weakness when I pull it on him. "It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you."

"No?"

"No," I insist, "you can keep going." You have to.

"Who says I want to?"

"What?"

I looked at him, trying to figure him out. What did he mean by that? How could he possibly not want to keep going? Would he rather be killed by his own brother, and the last thing he sees is the bloodthirsty demonic presence in my eyes? How could he want to see feral bloodlust in my eyes…? How could he want to die like that?

Dean sits down on the counter and pulls out his gun. I still wish that he'd give me mine and leave. I can not believe that he wants to die. This can't be my brother, my Dean…

"I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life. This weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it."

This cannot be. Dean is not a quitter; he has never done something like this in his life. I cannot let him die. I won't let him die because of some depression he's still going through because of Dad dying. I've got to change his mind.

"So, what? So, you're just gonna give up? I wanted to yell, you're going to let me kill you for that? At the top of my lungs, but I didn't. "I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know the stuff with Dad—"

"You're wrong."

What? What did he mean? How could it not be about Dad? It was always about Dad…

"It's not about that. I mean, part of it is, sure, but—"

"Well then what is it about?"

What is worth dying for? Why would you rather die than live? What is it about Dean? What is it that made you lose your will to live? What is the reason you will let me become a monster?

Dean, I don't want to be a monster!