Have a drink, you're going to die anyway.

Two years after the resurrection (and untimely demise) of Earth's biodegrading army, things have been more or less peaceful. But that's no fun, is it? One vampire and his lackeys are finally ready for a grand reappearance that's been a long time coming. Finally having found a way to get over his vampiric disabilities, Tino's on a mission to remind everyone exactly why they should be afraid of things that go bump in the night.

Once again, the old gang is reluctantly reunited, along with a few new additions. It's a rag-tag team for sure, but they're all the world's got. And they're going to need all the help they can get, because these vampires don't sparkle; they fucking shine.

The Cast

Team Heaven:

Arthur

The angel in charge of carrying souls to Heaven. He's been around since before all this new-fangled Iron Age nonsense, so he's quite senior in rank (not that anyone cares). He's been trying to lie low since the whole zombie dilemma and not get into any more trouble, but, well. We'll see how that works out.

Gabriel

Also known as the Archangel of Having A Stick Up His Ass. But somebody has to do the work around here, dammit! The only reason Heaven's running so smoothly is because of Gabriel's military and tactical precision. God knows they wouldn't be able to operate without him. Gabriel does not have time for your worthless Feelings, not even when the biggest Feeling of all has brown eyes and a stupid-looking curl on its head.

God

What it says on the tin, really. He says He can't be bothered with Earthly drama, but don't let that fool you. He's addicted to people-watching the way some people are addicted to daytime soaps.

Alfred

Or Al, for short. Normally he likes to do his own thing, but curious members of the public have reported that he seems to be spending a lot more time with his Dad nowadays. But what do they know? Al's only hanging around to make sure Arthur doesn't get kidnapped again. Right? Right.

Team Hell:

Francis

Ferryman of the river Styx. His job's a bit dead, so he indulges in Earthly pleasures to pass the time. He's been working a lot of overtime to make up for his part in the recent Almostocalypse. He's not really looking for excitement, for once, but things have a funny way of happening when least convenient, don't they?

Gilbert

Belonging to Heaven, by right, but bought off by Hell to do paperwork. After all, there's nothing more aggravating than a dyslexic trying to spell your name. Gilbert doesn't mind much, though. It's better to be an employee of Hell than it is to be one of its customers.

The Devil

The artist formerly known as Prince (of Darkness), and currently known as the CEO of Corpse Corps. He's got billions of souls under His command, but there are always the few that just won't listen.

The Devil's Musicians

A trio of strings. They still don't speak.

Feliciano

Hell's receptionist, although he's pants at dealing with telephones. Like receptionists everywhere, he doesn't really do much. That suits him just fine.

The Others

Death

A pretty girl, if a bit pale. She's actually quite affable and dead polite, although people tend to get a bit anxious around Her. She doesn't understand why, though. Life is the one you have to worry about.

Tino

One of the oldest bloodsuckers of all time, although you wouldn't guess from the way he smiles. He's been living in the shadows for a while now, but once he gets his soul back, rest assured, all the garlic in the world won't be able to save you.

Berwald

Dirt, holy water and a medley of incantations make for a quality golem, although whoever made Berwald might have added a little too much water. Despite his softness, he still leaves a Very Big Impression. He'd follow Tino to the ends of the earth, and maybe a little further.

The Cult

A group of Satanists who met six years ago at a Bjork concert. Right now, they also act as Tino's groupies. They're getting pretty good at incantations, although due to limited funding, they've been forced to set up shop in the basement of a ladies' salon.

Sadiq

A man who works at the ladies' salon. His guitar, dulcet tones and excellent cheekbones have made him a favourite among the patrons, although his comfortable life is about to take a turn for the weird. And where the fuck did all these cats come from?

Herakles

Gentle, handsome and introspective, Herakles is destined to become a celebrated member of the philosophical circle in a few short years, because what is life without deep thought? Life is a beautiful, complex thing, and…hang on, this isn't ancient Greece. How disconcerting. Oh well, at least there aren't any Turks.

Wang Yao

Chinese clairvoyant extraordinaire, and now the owner of a cozy little fortune-telling agency. Most of his clientele consists of little old ladies, but once in a while someone comes along bringing a whirlwind in his wake. Can't say Yao didn't see this coming.

Kiku

An unfortunate young man who has had quite enough adventuring for a lifetime, thank you very much. Still, old man trouble shows mercy to no one. Why do these things always happen on Thursdays?

Im Yong Soo

Ever since Brian (whose real name is really Gilbert) left, things have been a little dull. What better way is there to stave off boredom than to get thrown headfirst into another supernaturally-themed apocalypse?

The Canadian Kid

No, whatever you're selling, he doesn't want it, alright? He's just here to watch this time.

and

The Tourist

It doesn't matter what the question is. The answer is always yes.