Evil Is Orange
Lightning leaned back and gave a long sigh of satisfaction. Her paperwork was finally done. Now, she could sit back and relax. Maybe she could even convince Fang to give her a massage – not that Fang would need much convincing.
However, her dreams of a lazy afternoon spent in bed with Fang came to an abrupt end as she noticed the time. It was almost four o'clock. It was also a weekday, and the kids were already home. But what really made things dangerous was the fact that she'd chosen to do her paperwork in the living room – which was where the television was.
This was bad.
She needed to run. She needed to hide. She needed to fake a temporary bout of blindness –
"Hi, mom!" Diana appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and hurled herself onto the couch next to Lightning. Grinning from ear to ear, she kicked her legs back and forth as she turned on the television and changed it to her favourite channel in the world. "Are you done with all your work?"
Lightning wanted to lie, she really, really did. But how could she lie to Diana and her megawatt smile? Her little girl was looking at her with so much trust and affection. She'd even scooted over to cuddle up to Lightning.
Damn it. Why did she have to be such a pushover?
"Yes, Diana. I'm done for the day."
"Yay!"
Diana climbed into Lightning's lap and pulled Lightning's arms around her. Apparently, she was much more comfortable than the couch. Now, it wasn't that Lightning disliked having Diana in her lap. The girl was much too small and cuddly to be a bother, but it would be almost impossible to escape with Diana there.
"Since you don't have to do any more work, we can watch Gary the Gorgonopsid together!"
Lightning took a deep breath. The things she did for her children… "Yay."
Diana looked up at her and frowned. "You don't sound very happy, mom. Don't you like Gary?"
The last thing Lightning needed was another lecture on why Gary was the greatest thing in the history of the universe, surpassing even the combined glory of pancakes, chocolate, and ice cream, so she made sure to put a little more spirit into her next attempt. "Yay!"
Diana smiled sunnily and settled back into Lightning's lap, satisfied that her mom was also a believer in the awesomeness of Gary. Free from scrutiny – at least for the time being – Lightning scowled. She'd come to understand and accept many of her children's idiosyncrasies over the year. Most of them were harmless, like Averia's mysterious ability to kill most plants just by looking at them, or Diana's ability to somehow start a feud with the neighbourhood's squirrels. But Gary was the opposite of harmless.
Gary was evil.
And speaking of evil…
"Finally!" Diana cheered as an oh-so-familiar song started. "It's time for more Gary!"
It's Gary… Gary… Gary the Gregarious Gorgonopsid!
Lightning fought the urge to throw up. Not only would that seriously dent her reputation as a badass mom, she doubted Diana would be happy about having vomit in her hair. But the saccharine singing was just too much – she was afraid her teeth were going to fall out from all the cuteness and sweetness.
If the song wasn't enough, there were also dozens of brightly coloured animals cavorting across the screen and hugging each other. She might actually be going blind. Or maybe all the colours actually disguised some kind of subliminal mind control program. That would certainly explain the fanatical devotion of the show's fans.
He's the cuddly, friendly gorgonopsid who always has time for his friends!
He's Gary… Gary the Gregarious Gorgonopsid!
The next ninety seconds were ninety of the worst seconds in Lightning's life. Perhaps the only thing that made it bearable was how unbelievably adorable Diana looked singing along with the song. Less adorable, however, was Diana insisting that Lightning sing along too. And although Lightning would never admit it, repeated exposure to Gary had resulted in her actually learning the lyrics of the song.
If Fang found out, she would never – ever – live it down.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fang and Averia tiptoeing past the living room toward the front door. Neither of them wanted to get dragged into the soul-destroying pit of abyssal horror that was Gary. Her eyes narrowed ominously, and both Fang and Averia dropped to their knees and made pleading gestures. Her jaw clenched. Fine, she wouldn't say anything, but they owed her – especially Averia. As Diana's big sister, watching cartoons with Diana was supposed to be her job. Maker knew, Lightning had suffered through hours and hours of boring cartoons with Serah.
Then again, Gary wasn't completely horrible. Diana was a rambunctious child, full of energy and always eager to run (or climb) around. In exchange for Gary privileges, Diana could be put on her best behaviour. The mere thought of missing an episode of her favourite cartoon was far more terrifying than even the sternest talking to.
And it wasn't like Gary and his fluorescent friends hadn't had other positive influences. Diana had first started reading about wildlife and the environment to try to learn more about her favourite characters. She'd even dragged Lightning to the library to borrow books on everything from gorgonopsids to the climate in different mountain ranges.
Diana had also learned how to use the computer to find information online (under supervision, of course) when books hadn't been able to tell her what she wanted to know. Diana had even written her own stories about Gary. They weren't exactly prize-winning material, but they weren't half bad for a six-year-old although Lightning was slightly worried that Diana had, in at least a few of her stories, turned Gary and his friends into vigilantes who smote evildoers and helped run the Guardian Corps.
Lightning would be damned before she took orders from a fluorescent orange gorgonopsid who spent most of his time preaching the power of friendship.
But the worst thing about Gary was that Lightning found the show impossible to ignore. The voices, the colours, the music – everything was carefully designed to catch and hold people's attention. It she ever wanted to design a brainwashing program, she'd probably start by repurposing Gary.
Lightning's inability to ignore the show, combined with her repeated exposure to it and Diana's frequent rants about it, had led to something that both fascinated and horrified Lightning. She had, somehow, developed an encyclopaedic knowledge of all things Gary-related.
Even now, her wonderfully swift mind was cataloguing and filing away the contents of the current episode into the steadily growing corner of her mind labelled simply as 'Gary stuff'. After what seemed like forever, the episode came to an end. Diana gave a happy sigh and snuggled up to Lightning.
"That was the best episode ever."
"You say that after every episode."
Diana nodded. "That's because every episode is the best episode ever."
Lightning was about to point out that it was impossible for every episode to be the best episode ever when an announcement popped up on the television. Diana gasped and leapt off her lap, running right up to the television.
"It's the Spring Super, Mega, Ultimate Quiz!" Diana waved her arms around and then clenched her fists. Had she been a dragon, Lightning was certain she would have been breathing a great deal of fire everywhere. "Oh, I'm going to win it this time, for sure!"
Lightning twitched. The ridiculously named quiz was something that ran four times each year. It involved a gauntlet of questions. Contestants logged in online and then answered as many questions as possible in the span of thirty minutes. The top finishers all got prizes. Diana had come second three times, which had led to an absolutely ridiculous amount of Gary-themed merchandise making its way into their home.
During the last quiz, Diana had only lost by three points. She'd spent a full day sulking before going to Sazh's ranch to explain the whole, horrible situation to Chirpy. The chocobo had listened closely and pointed out that most of the people who did well in the quiz were much older than Diana. In fact, most of the winners were in their teens or twenties. Gary had, over the years, gained a cult following outside of its target demographic. Naturally, that hadn't mattered to Diana. She'd wanted to win, and she didn't care if the people she was competing against were all older than her.
Lightning was more curious as to how Chirpy had known so much about the contest.
"They haven't announced what the prize for winning is yet, but I know I'll win this time." Diana turned to stare at Lightning, her blue eyes shining with determination. "And you have to do the quiz too, mom! If I come first and you come second, then we'll get even more Gary stuff!"
"Uh…"
"Please, mom! You have to!" Diana grabbed her hand. "The contest starts next week, so we'll have plenty of time to study for it!" Diana cackled. "I didn't study enough last time, but this time, I'll study super hard and win!" She paused. "But first… I have to do my homework. Miss Gainsborough said we'd get into lots of trouble if we didn't do it."
"What is your homework, Diana? You're supposed to tell me about it as soon as you get home, just in case we need to go out and get anything."
"We don't need to go out and get anything, I just have to find something." Diana pursed her lips. "I have to find… a snail."
"You need to find a snail?" Lightning was almost afraid to ask what Diana needed a snail for. "Why do you need a snail?"
"We're doing a project about animals that live in the neighbourhood. I wanted to do squirrels, but Yuffie picked that, and then Rikku picked dogs. Snails were the only cools animals left to pick when it was finally my turn to choose something." Diana huffed. "I actually wanted to do gorgonopsids, but Miss Gainsborough said they don't live in a normal neighbourhood."
Lightning wisely refrained from pointing out that Aerith was, as a matter of fact, correct. At least, Diana's attention had moved to something else. Hopefully, she'd already forgotten about making Lightning do that quiz…
Or not.
"Don't worry, mom." Diana flashed her a brilliant smile. "Once I find a snail, we can start studying for the quiz together."
X X X
Before Lightning knew it, it was time for the contest. And she'd only had to suffer through about a dozen Gary-related study sessions with Diana. Perhaps the only thing that made those torture sessions bearable was the fact that Averia and Fang hadn't been able to escape them either. Fang might even have passed out a few times when Diana had started drawing charts explaining the complex web of relationships between the different characters in the show.
The rules of the contest were simple:
To enter, each contestant needed their own Gary Fan ID. Each ID could only enter the competition once. To make sure that people didn't create multiple accounts, Gary Fan IDs could only be created after submitting proper identification (e.g., passport, driver's licence, or birth certificate).
Contestants had 30 minutes to answer as many questions as possible. The quiz used a multiple-choice format, with one point awarded for a correct answer and one point deducted for an incorrect answer.
To make things slightly more accessible, the questions were based solely on the Gary the Gorgonopsid cartoon show and not the books, comics, and other materials.
Diana had spent virtually all of her free time studying Gary. She'd even printed out study sheets and stuck them to the back of the bathroom door in a bid to use her time as productively as possible. Aerith had actually given Lightning a call to express some concern since Diana wasn't running around at all during lunchtime or recess. Instead, she would spend her time hunched over her notes, poring over every last detail of the show.
Fang and Averia were the first ones to give the quiz a try. They performed about as well as Lightning expected – horribly. But their inability to even reach the top ten only spurred Diana on.
"I knew it!" Diana leapt up onto the couch and shook her fist at the ceiling. Whom she was yelling at, Lightning wasn't sure, but she did move closer, just in case Diana slipped off the couch. "Don't worry! I'll do it for all of us! I'll win for our whole family!"
Fang and Averia shared a look.
"Go, Diana!" Averia said, still clearly traumatised by her over-exposure to Gary-related information.
"Uh… yeah." Fang nodded. "Go. Do it for us all."
"I will!" Diana shook her fist at the ceiling with even greater fervour. "And then we'll have like a million times more Gary stuff!"
Fang and Averia both gagged. Averia, in particular, looked horrified. After all, she and Diana shared a room, and Diana kept most of her Gary-related stuff there. She'd once woken up to find a Gary plush toy looming over her. She still had nightmares about that.
"That's nice." Lightning picked Diana up and put her back on the ground before she could fall off the couch. "Are you going to do the quiz now?"
"Not yet." Diana clenched her fists. "I'm still gathering my power."
"Right…"
As Diana went upstairs to continue gathering her power – Lightning assumed that meant studying – Lightning decided to give the quiz a go herself. After all, it wasn't like she could do worse than Fang and Averia, and it would be better to just get it out of the way. She settled down in front of her laptop and started the quiz.
What colour is Gary the Gregarious Gorgonopsid?
Bright pink
Bright blue
Bright orange
Bright green
Lightning rolled her eyes. What a pathetic question. Gary's colour was burned into her retinas. She picked c) and moved onto the next question.
Who is Gary the Gorgonopsid's best friend?
Fran the Fantastic Flan
Meg the Magnificent Megistotherian
Wanda the Wonderful Wyvern
Billy the Boisterous Behemoth King
This was a much trickier question, but it wasn't anything Lightning couldn't handle. The answer was b). One of the only sad things about Gary was that he had grown up an orphan after evil poachers had killed his mother. Luckily, Meg had taken him under her wing, teaching him all he needed to know about hunting, sneaking, and being awesome. Lightning frowned. That sounded vaguely familiar.
Which two characters don't always get along?
Fran the Fantastic Flan and Wanda the Wonderful Wyvern
Gary the Gregarious Gorgonopsid and Adam the Amazing Adamantoise
Meg the Magnificent Megistotherian and Billy the Boisterous Behemoth King
Fran the Fantastic Flan and Adam the Amazing Adamantoise
Well, that was an interesting question. And it was actually kind of sad that she knew exactly what the answer was.
Fran was quirky to the point of being slightly insane. She always had some kind of crazy scheme planned. But Wanda treated her like a little sister, and she was always helping Fran fix whatever messes her newest plan had created. Gary and Adam got along very well. Adam was probably the sanest character in the show, providing an older, more experienced point of view. He always had a few wise words for Gary and the others. He even got along well with Fran although he did sigh a lot whenever she started plotting.
As for Meg and Billy… they didn't get along well. Meg had a little sister than she was very protective of, and Billy was always sneaking off with her to have adventures. In fact, one of the running gags in the show was how Meg always threatened to eat him although everyone knew she was just joking.
Wait. Lightning frowned again. Now, this really did sound familiar. And now that she thought about it, Adam the Amazing Adamantoise even had a pet chocobo named Chad the Cheerful Chocobo. Oh well, she could think about it later. She picked c). It was time to move onto the next question.
Lightning answered question after question, attacking the quiz with ruthless determination. She even lost track of how many question she'd answered until the timer expired and the quiz came to an end. She'd somehow managed to answer 200 questions correctly without a single mistake, giving her a score of 200.
"Maker…" Fang breathed over her shoulder. "Do you know your Gary or what?"
"Oh, be quiet." Lightning relaxed and Fang massaged her shoulders. "You know Diana makes me watch it. Besides, you should be thanking me. If I didn't watch it so much, you'd have to."
"You know." Fang waggled her eyebrows suggestively. "I know a few ways I could thank you."
"Do you, now?" Lightning logged off. She could always check her position on the leader board later. "Why don't you show me?"
Diana waited until the very last day of the quiz to take it. She wanted to give herself as much time to study as possible. With a rare aura of solemnity and seriousness about her, Diana sat down in front of the computer.
"You all have to be super quiet." Diana's eyes narrowed. "I have to win."
For the next 30 minutes there was absolute silence. And then… there was a wail of horror.
"What is it?" Lightning asked. "Did someone beat you again?"
"I was so close." Diana hurled herself at Lightning. Lightning picked the little girl up, and Diana buried her face in her hair. She sounded close to tears, but they were angry tears, and her whole body shook with fury. "I was just one point away from winning, but I came second again! It's not fair!"
"Oh." Lightning rubbed Diana's back soothingly as the girl continued to grumble and complain. "I know you didn't win, but all the other people who do well in the quizzes are much older than you. And you're going to get a nice prize too, aren't you?"
"But I watch Gary everyday! Nobody loves him more than me." Diana pulled back and glared, her blue eyes flashing with rage. "How could anyone get 200 points?"
"Wait… what?" Lightning froze. "What was your score?"
"I got 199 points, but someone beat me and got 200. I don't know who this 'StormLady' is, but I bet she's evil!"
"Diana, I got 200 points, and my Gary Fan ID is StormLady. I… I think I won."
"What?" Diana screeched. "Mom!" She jumped out of Lightning's arms. "Quick, quick, login! You need to check if you really won!"
Lightning logged in. Sure enough, there was a message there from the people behind Gary congratulating her on her victory.
"You beat me…" Diana whispered softly. For once, Lightning couldn't read Diana's expression. Was she that upset?
"Um…"
"That is so awesome!" Diana grabbed her in a tight hug. "I knew you loved Gary! I knew it! That's why you watch him with me as much as you can! And now we don't get just one prize. We get two prizes. Two! Second prize is all this awesome Gary stuff, but the first prize is even better. It's the best prize ever, as in ever, and you won it!"
"What is it?" Lightning was getting a sinking feeling.
"It's awesome!" Diana hugged Lightning again. "It's tickets for our whole family to go to the new Gary theme park they're building in Neo Nautilus! Yay!"
And, right there, part of Lightning's soul died.
Gary.
Theme.
Park.
There was a Gary theme park. Was this really the world she'd fought so hard to save?
Yet watching Diana dance around the living room like she'd just won the lottery – and, really, in her head, she had – Lightning couldn't find it in her to be too upset. Could something that made her daughter this happy really be that bad?
Six weeks later…
"This is all your fault," Fang said. She was covered from heat-to-toe in Gary-related clothing. She was even wearing a Wanda the Wonderful Wyvern hat.
Lightning was little better, except she was wearing a Meg the Magnificent Megistotherian hat. "Well, at least Diana is happy." She paused. "And if it makes it any better, at least we're not the only ones suffering."
Indeed, they weren't. Up ahead of them, Diana was dragging Averia from the Gary-themed Ferris wheel over toward the Gary-themed rollercoaster. The pink-haired girl was fighting to keep a smile on her face and only just succeeding as Diana gleefully explained how they still had another ten Gary-themed rides to go on, not to mention the Gary-themed restaurant to eat at and the Gary-themed bakery to visit.
X X X
Omake #1: Because Every Show Needs A Spin-off…
"What are you watching?" Lightning asked, sitting down on the couch next to Diana. As far as she knew, Gary wasn't supposed to start for another half an hour.
"It's a new show, mom." Diana grinned. "It's Gary, but a little bit different."
And that's when the song started.
Go, go, Gary Rangers!
Go, go, Gary Rangers!
Go, go, Gary Rangers, those mighty, morphing Gary Rangers!
Lightning stared. And then she stared some more. And then she watched half an hour of what was simultaneously the most ridiculous and the most awesome television ever. The new Gary spinoff had animals with super powers, giant, combining robots, and ridiculous bad guys who could, somehow, turn gigantic to fight the aforementioned giant, combining robots that were, of course, piloted by Gary and his friends.
It made next to no sense.
It was brilliant.
It was going to make the creators of Gary more money than they could count.
X X X
Omake #2: Because Sometimes Kids Are The Best
Lightning was tempted to rub her eyes to make sure that this was really happening. After careful consideration, she'd agreed to take Diana to a Gary the Gorgonpsid fan convention. Despite her initial concerns, the convention had so far been a wonderful experience for the little girl.
The staff members were friendly and helpful, and so were all the other fans. Diana had gotten to meet all the voice actors and even the creator of Gary too. She'd gotten an autographed picture with all of them that Lightning knew she would treasure. They'd spent a fair bit of time wandering through all the stalls scattered around the convention centre.
There were all kinds of merchandise there, from Gary-themed clothing to Gary-themed jewellery. Lightning had told Diana that she would buy her one thing – and one thing only – from the stalls, so the little girl had taken her time, looking at each stall before finally making her choice. Lightning thought it was a good one: a hand-made Gary plush toy that had the famous cartoon character wearing a modified Guardian Corps outfit. He even had a little gun blade.
After that, they'd headed toward the corner of the convention centre set aside for competitions. On a whim, Lightning had agreed to let Diana go into one: a quiz that pitted a contestant against an established Gary expert. If someone managed to beat the expert, they got 100 gil. They could then choose to try again for double or nothing.
Diana had been extremely nervous the first time since the quiz was done in front of a crowd. But she'd still managed to eke out a win.
100 gil.
The second time, Diana had won more convincingly, and the expert had been a little put out. It would have been galling to be been beaten by a child.
200 gil.
But then Diana had won again and then again.
400 gil.
800 gil.
After her fourth victory, a much bigger crowd had begun to gather, and the expert had switched places with someone who was, apparently, even more of an expert than him. It made no difference. Diana one three more times.
1600 gil.
3200 gil.
6400 gil.
And now the stakes were really serious. In an effort to defeat Diana, they called in the best expert they had. He was, apparently, the same person who'd beaten Diana by several points in a couple of the previous big quizzes they'd run before. They were certain he'd beat her – not this time.
Diana won three more times.
12,800 gil.
25,600 gil.
51,200 gil.
At this point, Diana was all but breathing fire at anyone who dared challenge her. She loved Gary more than anyone in the world, and nobody was going to beat her! The funniest thing was that Diana didn't even seem to realise how much money was at stake. The only thing that mattered was getting revenge for all those times she'd been beaten in quizzes.
Out of desperation, their final expert challenged Diana one more time. It came down to the wire, but Diana won by a single question.
102,400 gil.
It boggled the mind.
After that, they were forced to call a halt to the completion. They simply couldn't afford to lose any more money to a six-year-old child who seemed to know Gary better than most people knew their multiplication tables.
"I won, mom!" Diana bounded over and hugged Lightning. "Did you see? Did you see?"
"I definitely did." Lightning smiled. "So… what are you going to do with your money?"
"I don't know? Is it a lot of money?" Diana tilted her head to one side. "I'm kind of hungry. Maybe we could buy something to eat."
Lightning chuckled and picked Diana up. "Don't worry, I can pay for our food. We can put that money in your college fund or something."
"Uh… okay." Diana waved at the people running the competition. They were still shell-shocked. "You guys are lucky it was just me because my mom knows even more about Gary than I do! She won the last quiz, you know!"
Lightning took a quick look around, hoping that no one else had heard that. She had no such luck. Everyone else had stopped and stared.
Oh, the things she'd endured for her children.
X X X
Author's Notes
As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.
It's kind of funny, but despite all of the times I've mentioned him, I've never gone into much detail about Gary. And that's a shame since he is Diana's favourite television show. So I thought: why not give all of you guys a glimpse into the awesomeness that is Gary? And while I'm there, why not give Lightning a chance to prove that she actually is awesome at everything? I mean she slices, she dices, she runs the Guardian Corps, she raises kids… and she wins quizzes about cartoons! No wonder Diana looks up to her so much.
But seriously, this was just a bit of light-hearted fun. Lightning, for all of her tough exterior, can't really say no to Diana when it comes to something like watching a few cartoons with her. And Lightning, being Lightning, ends up learning all about the wonders of Gary.
The Gary theme park is based on Disneyworld. During the story, Lightning starts feeling that some of the elements of Gary seem familiar. They should. What Lightning doesn't know is that Gary the Gorgonopsid is loosely based on the former l'Cie. If you're wondering how that's possible, remember that the creator of Gary the gorgonopsid was actually Lightning's neighbour when she was a kid (I mentioned this in Chapter 18 of Lightning and Fang Sitting in a Tree, Destiny is a Plush Toy). So, after Lightning and the others made themselves known during the Fall of Cocoon, he decided to loosely base the characters around them. For reference, here is how it works out (this should make the references in this chapter clearer):
Gary the Gregarious Gorgonopsid = Hope
Fran the Fantastic Flan = Vanille
Wanda the Wonderful Wyvern = Fang
Meg the Magnificent Megistotherian = Lightning
Adam the Amazing Adamantoise = Sazh
Billy the Boisterous Behemotho King = Snow
So, there you have it. If only Diana knew that her family provided the models for her favourite show… she'd probably make all of them dress up.
Finally, I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. I've recently released my newest original story on Amazon. It's called Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf. If you have enjoyed my more light-hearted and humorous stories, you will absolutely love this one. Trust me. It's a fantasy with plenty of humour, warmth, action, and a healthy dose of craziness (the kind you've come to expect from me). You can find links to it (and the rest of my original fiction) in my profile. If you're after something a bit more serious, try The Last Huntress. It has plenty of atmosphere and action.
As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.